Contentment

I get up, I ask God for help staying sober that day.  I heard something interesting at a meeting the other night.  I know that meditation is something I do after prayer.  Well this person said anytime you think on something over and over your meditating on it.  Hmmm.  Must think about that one.  tee hee.
Somedays are smooth as glass.  I sail effortlessly through the day.   ahhhhh.  Then there are those "other" days when it's all I can do to suit up and show up.  Do no harm.  That kind of day.  They don't come as often but they can still be as debilitating as ever.  Case in point........ Tuesday.  
 Sometimes I don't feel God as close as I want.  I try not to be in fear those days.  HE never leaves.  He has promised us that and I believe that. 
Boy this thing called LIFE can be joyous or it can be well........ life.  I can sail or I can fight.  It's up to me.  I have not mastered how to remain joyful through deaths, divorce, sick children, etc.   But I know that taking a drink will only worsen how I feel and deal with all of this.  Even though, at times, the thought does come to me.... Hey why not.   Followed closely by;  Because of what happens after that 1st drink or other substance.  It gets ugly, scary, lonely, ugly!  And I don't want UGLY anymore.

I need a breathing lesson this morning

Deep breathe.  I am sick today.  My wayward sober seeking son came over last night needing a place to stay.  I told him ok but for a few days ONLY!  He got upset but that isn't my concern.  He was different from the days leading up to.  I do not think he was clean.  It broke my heart.  for him.  He was angry and quiet and furious and disjointed.  All someone elses problem.  He could see no part in it himself.
I quit talking to my Alanon sponsor.  I hate to say it but I really could not see how that program (unlike the AA program) could make me better.  This morning I am rethinking that.  See if "he" is ok then I am.   Totally wrong thinking.  He may or may not stay the course of sobriety.  His sobriety or life may rock one way or the other.  Am I to take on this nauseating feeling each time?  I am working to stop my part.   But it is hard.  And well I just slack off and then try to run and "catch up"  make sense. 

God does such glorious things IF we allow him into our lives.  Today I needed extra time with him and a sponsee called first thing this morning giving me some of her God shots from yesterday renewing my faith.

Taking my hand off of it!

In my morning meditation I was reading today about that obsession to drink.  It occured to me that I can and will work the steps on this damn relationship problem i'm having (and have been having for years).
so I quickly went through 1-3.  Yeah!  I will proceed with 4 -7 and if there are amends take care of that as well.  Seems the only person harmed here is me.  He has repeatedly told me he is not able to give me more and to move on.  Marry.  Be happy.  I will thank you.
Thank you AA for giving me a way of living that excludes the desire to drink or use.  HUGE!  Thank you to this program for uncovering my desire for God....

I am enough.  God takes care of all of us.  Today I will let him.

Never underestimate the power of God and this program

The precious child of God and mine picked up his 30 day chip last night.  Who says miracles can't happen.
I am in awe~!

Gettin' out of "HIS" way

So the son?  He has almost 30 days sober.  WTH?  All without my help.  Imagine that.  Or maybe I did have a part.  I got out of God's way.  He called me this morning.  He did his 5th step last night.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to yell out  Thank YOU God! 
In a few short weeks since leaving jail he has paid bills that he never did before, he has showed up for 3 different court dates.  he has attended many many meetings.  I am in awe of what can happen when we are willing.  Perhaps he is done.  
I picked up a new sponsee the other day.  Sweet girl.  About the time I grow sick of taking on new people (imagine that) someone new bounces into my relm.  Thank you God.  Hear that?  God.  This has nothing to do with me.  I suit up and show up. 
I met w/ my "other" sponsor Sunday.  I love her kindness.  she is taking me through the steps via the Alanon route.  I'm still unsure of what i'm doing but I need the relief of that program.  whatever "that" means.
Ah there have been so many things going on.  Sister is out of the hospital.  Still sick and weak but at home.  And hasn't had a cigarette in almost 4 weeks.  Doesn't want to either.  Wow!

I have stayed away from the guy too.  We talk on the phone some.  And this morning I miss him so much.  But I am doing what I should.  Which isn't always the comfortable thing.  Staying sober and content in doing so.

Amen!

I can not, nor will not stand in judgement

One of my precious sponsee's called me yesterday histerical.  she had drank the night b4.  She was incredibly upset.  After listening to her cry I finally said,  "step one"  "step one".  She has fought such a hard fight.  terrible upbringing and I mean terrible.  suffice to say she has no family (that she associates with).  Young and vulnerable.  Fighting another disease that tells her to starve herself.  She has it coming and going.
So she picked up a 1 yr medallion in Nov.  There is the miracle of the program.  While she is away being treated for her ED I could hear her slipping away.  Taking the focus off of the program.  No talk ever of spriituality.  While I didn't see this coming,  I wasn't surprised.
I have learned this lesson.  I can NOT live without God.  I can try to "be good" on a daily basis and do good deeds and try to love those around me (event he unloveable) and still feel yucky on the inside.  So, inviting God into my life allows me the room to breath.  He is in control  not I.
The wayward son is out of jail.  Going to meetings (yeah) and seems so much happier.  WELL we all do (for a minute) when we quit running on empty.  But there is more work to do.  This program seems simple but learning to let go of who I was is THE hardest thing I can do.  I say can in the present tense... it's today that I'm in.  Today that matters.  I layed yesterday to rest last night about 10:00.  Today began at 6 and it is good. 

Good to be sober.  Good to be content.  Good to be available.  All because of the grace of God.

LET GO damn it!

Yes, let go.  Let go after a relationship ends, let go of the dreams you wanted for people that can not live up to them; let go of the delusion that I can, in anyway, MAKE this stuff happen.  What a lark  AND what a realization.  I CAN'T. 
I have had a bad week.  Son in jail for another drug related offense; man and I are over, and sister is in ICU.  So, today is Friday and I am so glad.  It's been hard sitting at my desk wracked in pain and not being able to let it out.  No tears, no nothing.  And believe me  THAT is hard.
I slept horrible last night.  up and down all night and finally stayed up at 4:30am.  Did not go to the gym.  Just took time to catch up on "things".
Life isn't always fair but sober I can at least be present to participate...