Endings

Saying goodbye can be easy, bitter sweet or just plain hard.  Take a ride with me.

2014 was a better year in my life than so many before.  More healing, more challenges that I was willing to face, perhaps more of a spring in my step.  perhaps.

So, goodbye to the year, the holidays.... Memorial day (so many years ago my daughter headed to the hospital for the birth of my precious "S").  July 4th  another great holiday but also sharing that day is the death of my mother in 1995.  Labor day holds the memory of the death of my stepson, a lost soul who, hopefully is in a better place.  Halloween still holds the dubious honor of my favorite of holidays.  BOO!  Thanksgiving is just that.  Thankful for life today.. so much to look forward to.  It also marked the end of my marriage.  A bitter end.  A battle I can still fight internally if I allow it.
Christmas.  The birth of Jesus.  That in itself brings warmth... However this also brought the father of my children to the ER and the faster path to his end.  And here is where we are.

He wanted to fight to live.  That was 1 week ago.  Laying in a hospital bed in my son's house, hooked up to the oxygen that helps him breath.  Our pastor came to visit.  Within a few days he had been baptized therein sealing his place in heaven, which seems terribly close.

My children have watched him... my grandchildren cry.  Other family members come to see and perhaps say goodbye.  Everyone having their own memories to cherish or dismiss; whichever seems appropriate.  Mine, well mine are scattered at best.  I cry at the sight of his small grey body lying in a bed that offers no comfort.  Christmas was shared by all of us, his 2 kids, his 4 grandkids and me.  The one person that caused him way too much pain but welcomed all the same.  THIS is not about how bad I had been.  This is about how this ending found healing and love.....

So, 2014 is nearly gone.  Perhaps next December I will sit at this blog with hope beyond what I have right now.  Perhaps.

One thing I do know.  Life is so precious.  Part of me says 'how sad not to have figured that out earlier' the other side says Thank God  I have.

In this road of life...

Find the light no matter how dark it seems at the moment.

I had someone close to me tell me that she can tell by my blog how I am doing emotionally.  That when I don’t post she feels life must be going well.  In plain terms, she is right.

Today, life is good and I’m posting that.  I’m also going to add that life is scary too.

I took a bold stance this morning with someone in my life.  Bold and truthful; said with confidence and a strength that passed my own understanding.  For a minute it felt good.  However, in doing so it meant the recipient might retaliate and he did… for a moment.  It seemed it caught him off guard and I listened as he quickly regrouped and came back with resolve to acceptance.   As I relive that moment I am in awe of his process and how quickly he snapped back; in doing so I was able to continue with the obvious truth of the situation which had been ongoing.  That was early this morning.

As the morning stretched on, I was entertaining all sorts of possibilities.. where would this lead me (this new journey).  Who would I lean on?  What if……………….

I said to God………… (instead of crying to stop the pain and angst) well here we are, help me walk with grace and truth and strength.  I took several turns at praying that I relax.  Several stops at ‘don’t let me pour my anger and fear on anyone’ as I digest and swallow the cold hard facts.  If this is covered in some sort of secrecy that is intentional.  Surely we all have those feelings, those days, those moments……. Where do we let them take us?

I am holding on to the FACT that He will never leave me………… I can curl up in the knowledge that I am being led in my life in such a sweet way…. Acknowledging that somehow brings me solace.  Somehow.

I sat around last night with 3 of my girlfriends chatting up about men, dating and the whole scene.  How the ‘dance’ is awkward and painfully necessary and both parties (male and female) partake of their piece.  Interview if you will, if it be a first date.  I, for one, am not good at that and come to find out none of them either.  Hmmm.  Feeling connected in any situation to someone that has or is walking through the same scene… somehow wards off any feeling of aloneness.  I suppose that is a gift we all bring to the table.  The table of life…  Agree?

What? What?

It’s beginning to look a lot like……….

 

Really?  The stores have had Christmas music playing for weeks; they have had decorations up for several months, really?  Give us, the consumers a break!  I, for one, was not out shopping the day after Thanksgiving, nor the night before……  God bless those that did…

Speaking of Thanksgiving, with the sadness of a life slipping away, our dinner had that underlying quietness that comes from the unknown.  And it is, unknown.  We do not know our days on this earth, only that they are numbered.  What we have should be gratitude of having all of us together for that special day.  And we were.  Just looking down the long tables watching everyone eat and laugh and smile warmed my heart.  My grandkids made this so special.  My new daughter in law and of course my sweet daughter… Only one missing was the evil one (ok, that is harsh) that chose to stay away (SIL) and believe me, that was fine.  Take away is being grateful for today.

So, another crazy thing going on………. Granddaughter plays in her hs band and has for several years.  They have done so many fund raisers I can’t even count.   They are so excited about a trip in a few weeks to Tampa Florida to play at the Outback Bowl.  Now, here is the ugly truth.  The band director is an ass.  Seems he has been “helping’ himself to the ‘funds’.  Best speculation is between 6-10,000 dollars missing.  He has resigned and now been arrested for the theft.  That, while is part of it, will not return the $$ for these kids.  The boosters are helping and the school board is kicking in as well so hopefully they will enjoy the trip, the fun stuff (Disney world) and play their hearts out at the game.  They deserve it!  He has lost his job, the community respect and I suppose his own dignity over all this.  Oh and he did admit to having an alcohol problem.  YA THINK!

So, we slide into the last month of the year and the fastest paced one as well.  Everyone rushing here and there.  HMM, HMM… Slow down folks enjoy the moment.  I know I am trying too.

More than Thanksgiving

Today for many will be a day of turkey and all the trimmings.  Pumpkin pie is my favorite.  I miss my mom at this time as her favorite thing was to cook a huge stuffed turkey all night long.  We would wake to the awesome smell of that turkey and her 'thistling' in the kitchen.  Back then, even after we had our own children, we would all converge on her house and it was the best of times.  Well, now, in my 50's I want the same for my kids.  For several years my daughter hosted everyone.  She has the biggest family now and it made sense to flop at her place.  Well, this year, after many years, they will all come here.  Finally well enough to be the host, once again.  So, son will bring the ham, kids dad will bring the turkey and dressing and daughter gets a reprieve and brings a pie.  I will fill in all the other stuff... potatoes, veggies, cranberry sauce.... and of course pumpkin pie.  hmmm hmmm.
There is some sadness knowing that one of us will probably not be here next year.  God has his life in his hands but cancer is stealing his body.. slowly.   So, for all of us thankful for the gathering of those we love.

I looked around and found other family members getting together, extended trying to as well.  Weather up north is wreaking havoc on travelers and here in the south it will be necessary to have a roaring fire.  Thankful for the warmth.

The scuttlebutt of black Friday shopping beginning tonight and those that scream 'let the holiday be just that' and allow all families to have the opportunity to be together.  To hell with retailers and money.  Whaaaat?  Money!  Yeah well that is not going to happen.  That dollar is way to important to stop anything... anything.   Thankful to be off from work today and tomorrow.

So, as the Macy's day parade begins, and I optimistically wait for the day to unfold and all the kids to be here, I say thanks to the God of my understanding... as today is the 10th year of my new life.  Still single... but letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment of what was and knowing if I get out of the way... so many more blessings of internal happiness abounds.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Turkey's and Truth

Just a few days away from Thanksgiving.  What a year this has been.  With cancer closing in on the life of my kids father... time is ticking away.  We have held our breath hoping for him to make it to "M's wedding, now Thanksgiving and next of course Xmas.  They begin radiation on brain leasions tomorrow.  We are all in God's hands whether we know it, believe it or not.  Life only lasts till it is over.  This is awful to watch his decline and certainly to watch my kids too.
So, we will all be together this Thanksgiving at my house.  Bittersweet.

This week has been emotionally draining for many family members.  No need to write about it... just seems everywhere I look within our families there is strife and hurt.  So praying for peace for all of us.... changing of hearts where hurt remain, and love to cover each and everyone of us/them.

Hearing the truth can  be so hurtful.  Hearing it from a close family member could suck and possibly leave a dent so deep the repair won't come soon.
Hence trying to remove the veil of bs from someone's eyes.  She has been hoo doo'd for so long by her daughter that it just sickens me.  To listen to all the lies and how bad she treats her mom enrages me, but staying on the fringe is what I have done; until today.  If someone sleeps round the clock for days and then is up for days..... sounds familiar.  However in her world she calls it bipolar.  yup bipolar.  and she is being treated... ok, then.

So, thanksgiving (truly being thankful) and truths even my own.

Decisions/Decisive/Determined.....

Decisions/Decisive/Determined

It seems we never stop making decisions.  When to get up, where to eat, what to eat, where to work, where to live, what to drive……………… 

I mean this could go on forever……………. What I find, for me, is some are as simple as a check mark on a school paper.  Done!  There are the ones that I know need to be made; but which way to turn, or go?  That would set the decisive mark a tad lower for me.  Honestly, laughing as I write this….I have pulled up to a drive up to order fast food and have one thing in mind and when the speaker squaks I say something entirely different!  And then laugh as if to confirm my decisive or un as the case may be.

As those decisions are made/need to be made I remain determined to stay true to me.  And the story should end with that.  Resolution……  And it isn’t even January 1^st.  Oh well, I stink at resolutions anyway.

At one time in my life there were very few choices or decisions that I failed to make.  Sometimes they were bad ones, but I did make them.  I own that.  Sometimes those decisions, while a good intention was in the midst, the choice totally bombed and most of the time I was left holding the bag, if you will.

I think for me, I have conceded far more with a ‘sorry’ than I needed too.  Years saying that I’m sorry when if fact many of those sorry’s had absolutely nothing to do with any ability I had.. I just felt compelled to cover any misery for anyone with that statement.  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’.  Yeah, ok,  totally ridiculous……………

So, I try to decided to make a decision and darn determined to stick with that plan.

Fall(ing)

The fall of the year and of life

 

I love the change in seasons; well I say that but want to add I hate to see the end of summer.  However, here we are in the fall of the year, Halloween has passed and Thanksgiving will soon be here.  The leaves are a beautiful mix of orange and yellow and browns.  It is amazing to watch the change and then the fall.  Falling leaves; an end to yet another year… about 8 weeks from ringing in the New Year but let’s not hasten that.

Fall brings so much to us.  Color, cooler temps, wonderful celebrations almost renewing us after a long hot summer, almost… ok, it does for me and I’m sure to others as well.  My favorite pie is pumpkin and my love for pumpkin spills in to other recipes.  Last year I made pumpkin spread and gave it out.  I plan on doing the same for some friends of mine.  I love pumpkin bread and still have the recipe my mother so loved.  We have birthdays in the fall and on into winter for family members.  Football… let’s not forget football.  My precious granddaughter plays in the high school band so every Friday is spent at the field.  She is awesome and I am extremely proud of her.  Of all of them.. The best thing to my life….

We have our time change ‘fall’ back.  Falling prices just in time for the hustle and bustle of those holiday shopping excursions.    So, this is about falling… seasons, temps and health…

This is the beginning of the end of someone’s life.  He is so sick and nothing will change that.   His decline began several years ago but the diagnosis was not made until Sept 2013.  In this past year he has been through so much.  Chemo, more chemo and more…..  Now he is at the experimental drug stage.  Which, in reading the side effects could kill him.  From his own words, I’m gonna die; either the cancer or this drug… the outcome will be the same.  How heartbreaking that must be to know for the person; how heartbreaking it is for his children to know and watch.  I choke up thinking about it.  I have written about this in previous entries and the fact remains the same…

So as Thanksgiving approaches there is a sadness about.  I guess everyone knows and no one is saying.  Will he make it?  Will he make it to Christmas?  How his life has diminished.   I get so sad and can’t change any of it and certainly can’t alleviate the inevitable for those around him.

So, as sure as summer turns to Fall, so Life turns to Death.  We all have numbered days.  I think of how those days are spent for him and want to scream at my own.  Start living as if this were your last days.  Do all that you wanted, love all those you can and most of all form a relationship with the God of your understanding  so as not to be alone after the darkness closes your/our time on earth..