Throwing Crazy Around

I suppose, no I know, that crazy resurfaces no matter what circumstances we use to circumvent it.  Really sounds technical doesn’t it?  I know because I know.  I took ‘me’ into a relationship and boy howdy can it turn on a dime.

So, quick background for my own sanity in this is total fear of abandonment.  The incredible doubt that plagues me still today.  I tried to tell myself that this time the hurt of yesterday will not cloud today.   When the new in a relationship washes all fears away for a minute; it comes back with a vengeance.  I am without defense against this monster that lurks within.

So, I threw crazy around last night.  Totally tormented I insisted on letting him know.  What did I think would happen?  My motives were so wrought with fear that I couldn’t stop what I was doing.  COULD NOT!  How pitiful that sounds.

So, we talked about this; his response was, ‘this is all I have to give right now’.  Wow!  I was speechless for a moment.  When I realized the extent of that silence I quickly said the only thing I knew to say, ‘ok, no problem’.  We hung up with the understanding that we needed to back up, but he told me more than once, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.   Why I couldn’t hear that….. no idea?!

So, I cried myself to sleep allowing the darkness of my quiet room to shield me from the outside world that still seemed to consume me. 

As I woke this morning my initial thought was, ‘oh yuck’  I did not want to face ME today. 

Well I did what I knew to do to bring about that sense of ease and comfort that precedes a drink…. (my old means of coping).  I reached out to God.  As I read my morning meditation I just felt so off the beam.  So wrought with anxiety that I knew I had to drop at His feet.

I am doing a bible study on the story of Gideon.  Gideon was scared little man whom God used for a great purpose; although to Gideon his own fear was keeping him from following what God had already set in motion.  You see, I had totally turned my life over to His care.  This meant He was in control and I needed to back up.   What I heard from Gideon was not to keep asking God but to trust in the knowledge that he has this/me.

So, in pain, fear, anxious for the unknown to stop consuming me… I reached out in prayer.  Lord I know that I have this issue.  I also know that I am in the trusting of your leading today and that is how it will be.  No relationship can be worth all this.  Even if it is self-imposed.   What happened was calm.  What was calmed was my insides of self-doubt… in complete clarity a smile came on my face.   My insecurities are not ever going to be fixed by (  ) fill in the blank.  EVER!    For brevity’s sake let me say this; I talked to ‘S’ and told him what was going on and IF he could walk with me through this even if for a moment then ok, if not… then it can end here.   I felt the pang in my stomach but if it hurts for a moment, that is better than my insides unraveling at a rate quicker than Zeus can throw a lightning bolt.

Today, I accept that my character defects still lurk about.  I accept that I can face them or manipulate the circumstances to fix ‘it’. 

Thank God for his grace.  I can walk forward and still breathe. 

To finish the conversation with ‘S’ he seemed fine.  He is not going anywhere, today.  He is taking me to a nice dinner tonight, maybe a movie.  And once again my heart swells with peace.  Peace that passes all understanding.

I’m love a God so big and merciful and no man can come between that.  Today.