Just when we least expect it…………..
I just gave up. Well
not ‘just’ gave up; but literally was exhausted emotionally from years of
holding on to something that should have been let go. A relationship.
You know because I have written so much about ‘it’. I had dated a few times. I had been on many first dates. I was beginning to fear that I had shut down
so completely that there was no hope.
Any chance at a lasting relationship was gone. And, I thought, perhaps I had begged and
prayed myself into this place. Letting ‘R’
go was THE hardest things I have ever walked through. I sicken when I think of the 10 years I spent
wanting, crying and waiting. He NEVER
changed his story; but I kept shifting mine to fit into his. Today, as I think, reflect and write that it
is done…..
I met someone. Not
just someone, but all the attributes I had left at God’s feet is here, including
the timing of it all. You can’t wipe
this smile off. Even though, it is not
about the other person, or a job or money or (fill in the blank) that should
make us happy. That happiness must come
from within and for me- connected to a God so big that even my hurt has been
lessened.
Late last year I emotionally disconnected from “R”. I felt empty inside but better knowing that
he no longer held me captive. I was
free to be me. Be alone. Be happy.
Just be.
In February I decided to go to a dating site just one more
time. I was so sick of all the creeps
out there. My heart hadn’t been
interested in much there anyway, but it did give me something to do. Anyway
after chatting it up with a few men, one just popped up that sorta caught my
eye. I thought, oh heck what do you have
to lose. We met. It was so easy… we talked till we couldn’t
talk anymore. I left thinking, wow what
was that all about? After several dates
and lots of fun, I sat back and took a second look. Yup, he was handsome (that was an easy one),
kind, loving (he had lost his wife last year to cancer). What really stuck out was just the kind
spirit that he had. But! Was it
real? I had played it cool at
first. Wasn’t really certain I wanted to
jump in. Plus, was he really ready to
date?
Date after date and I was becoming smitten with this gently
giant. That was truly scary and exhilarating
together. Plus he made me smile, laugh….
My heart sings.
I guess, the point of all this is to say, WHEN I finally conceded…. God, I’m good
either way. Alone/single… Here he
comes. I say God knew what both of us
needed. I don’t want to sound like a sap….
But I’m hanging on. I’m enjoying every
second of this. AND if it ended
tomorrow sure I would be sad; but he has shown me that there are men out there
that are kind. Even want woman their age
(mine)….
God never stops amazing me.
Jj
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