Throwing Crazy Around

I suppose, no I know, that crazy resurfaces no matter what circumstances we use to circumvent it.  Really sounds technical doesn’t it?  I know because I know.  I took ‘me’ into a relationship and boy howdy can it turn on a dime.

So, quick background for my own sanity in this is total fear of abandonment.  The incredible doubt that plagues me still today.  I tried to tell myself that this time the hurt of yesterday will not cloud today.   When the new in a relationship washes all fears away for a minute; it comes back with a vengeance.  I am without defense against this monster that lurks within.

So, I threw crazy around last night.  Totally tormented I insisted on letting him know.  What did I think would happen?  My motives were so wrought with fear that I couldn’t stop what I was doing.  COULD NOT!  How pitiful that sounds.

So, we talked about this; his response was, ‘this is all I have to give right now’.  Wow!  I was speechless for a moment.  When I realized the extent of that silence I quickly said the only thing I knew to say, ‘ok, no problem’.  We hung up with the understanding that we needed to back up, but he told me more than once, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.   Why I couldn’t hear that….. no idea?!

So, I cried myself to sleep allowing the darkness of my quiet room to shield me from the outside world that still seemed to consume me. 

As I woke this morning my initial thought was, ‘oh yuck’  I did not want to face ME today. 

Well I did what I knew to do to bring about that sense of ease and comfort that precedes a drink…. (my old means of coping).  I reached out to God.  As I read my morning meditation I just felt so off the beam.  So wrought with anxiety that I knew I had to drop at His feet.

I am doing a bible study on the story of Gideon.  Gideon was scared little man whom God used for a great purpose; although to Gideon his own fear was keeping him from following what God had already set in motion.  You see, I had totally turned my life over to His care.  This meant He was in control and I needed to back up.   What I heard from Gideon was not to keep asking God but to trust in the knowledge that he has this/me.

So, in pain, fear, anxious for the unknown to stop consuming me… I reached out in prayer.  Lord I know that I have this issue.  I also know that I am in the trusting of your leading today and that is how it will be.  No relationship can be worth all this.  Even if it is self-imposed.   What happened was calm.  What was calmed was my insides of self-doubt… in complete clarity a smile came on my face.   My insecurities are not ever going to be fixed by (  ) fill in the blank.  EVER!    For brevity’s sake let me say this; I talked to ‘S’ and told him what was going on and IF he could walk with me through this even if for a moment then ok, if not… then it can end here.   I felt the pang in my stomach but if it hurts for a moment, that is better than my insides unraveling at a rate quicker than Zeus can throw a lightning bolt.

Today, I accept that my character defects still lurk about.  I accept that I can face them or manipulate the circumstances to fix ‘it’. 

Thank God for his grace.  I can walk forward and still breathe. 

To finish the conversation with ‘S’ he seemed fine.  He is not going anywhere, today.  He is taking me to a nice dinner tonight, maybe a movie.  And once again my heart swells with peace.  Peace that passes all understanding.

I’m love a God so big and merciful and no man can come between that.  Today.

 

Expect the unexpected..

Just when we least expect it…………..

 

I just gave up.  Well not ‘just’ gave up; but literally was exhausted emotionally from years of holding on to something that should have been let go.  A relationship.

You know because I have written so much about ‘it’.  I had dated a few times.  I had been on many first dates.  I was beginning to fear that I had shut down so completely that there was no hope.  Any chance at a lasting relationship was gone.  And, I thought, perhaps I had begged and prayed myself into this place.  Letting ‘R’ go was THE hardest things I have ever walked through.  I sicken when I think of the 10 years I spent wanting, crying and waiting.  He NEVER changed his story; but I kept shifting mine to fit into his.  Today, as I think, reflect and write that it is done…..

I met someone.  Not just someone, but all the attributes I had left at God’s feet is here, including the timing of it all.  You can’t wipe this smile off.  Even though, it is not about the other person, or a job or money or (fill in the blank) that should make us happy.  That happiness must come from within and for me- connected to a God so big that even my hurt has been lessened. 

Late last year I emotionally disconnected from “R”.  I felt empty inside but better knowing that he no longer held me captive.   I was free to be me.  Be alone.  Be happy.  Just be.

In February I decided to go to a dating site just one more time.  I was so sick of all the creeps out there.  My heart hadn’t been interested in much there anyway, but it did give me something to do.   Anyway after chatting it up with a few men, one just popped up that sorta caught my eye.  I thought, oh heck what do you have to lose.   We met.  It was so easy… we talked till we couldn’t talk anymore.  I left thinking, wow what was that all about?  After several dates and lots of fun, I sat back and took a second look.  Yup, he was handsome (that was an easy one), kind, loving (he had lost his wife last year to cancer).  What really stuck out was just the kind spirit that he had.   But! Was it real?  I had played it cool at first.  Wasn’t really certain I wanted to jump in.  Plus, was he really ready to date? 

Date after date and I was becoming smitten with this gently giant.  That was truly scary and exhilarating together.   Plus he made me smile, laugh…. My heart sings.

I guess, the point of all this is to say,  WHEN I finally conceded…. God, I’m good either way.  Alone/single… Here he comes.  I say God knew what both of us needed.  I don’t want to sound like a sap…. But I’m hanging on.  I’m enjoying every second of this.   AND if it ended tomorrow sure I would be sad; but he has shown me that there are men out there that are kind.  Even want woman their age (mine)….   

God never stops amazing me.

 

Jj

Blessings...........

I have spent too many years crying over my life.  Too many wasted days.  A few years ago I began a trek of unwinding my entanglement of a relationship.  It hurt; I was afraid, really afraid.  Being without him crippled my life.  Crippled my growth beyond that life. 

So, we slowly detached.  Occasional dinner.  I will always love him.  The best years of ‘that’ life are over.  The best is yet to come is my motto.  Now!  Let it!

So, for years I have begged God to bring someone in my life that wanted to be there.  Someone that put God first, knew his blessings and would love, love, love me.  And!  Never leave me.  Hmmm.

So, the dating was sporadic.  Emotional.  Trying.  Defeated at times.  Running away at others.  Looking back I chuckle at all of it.  Yeah, but in the throes of all that stuff, I wasn’t always at ease…

So, over the past year I prayed continually, ‘God, please send someone my way’.  Yet nothing.  No one.

I finally said, ‘ok, help me to be ok single.  Help me to love those around me and make this life, my life’. After all it truly is complete.   Isn’t it in the way WE view it anyway?

Last month I gave it one last shot.. I met a guy for coffee.  That was it.  COFFEE and I’m going home.   1 hour, nothing more.  I mean it!  And so it goes.

I walked in.  Tall good looking guy.  I melted.  His first words were, ‘well that’s a good sign, you didn’t turn and run’…  We spent a few hours drinking coffee and getting acquainted.  I listened intently.  I totally forgot my 1 hour timeline.  I finally asked, ‘you ready to go?’  he said no.  So we headed out to dinner.  More conversation.  After which I asked again, ‘you ready to go”?  No.  So we walked around in the freezing night air and just couldn’t stop laughing and talking and well, smiling.  I was really enjoying him.  It got funny from there since he again said NO when I asked if he was ready to go home.  So, more coffee and ….. I was worn out.  Blissfully worn out. 

We have been inseparable ever since.  Not in a clingy kind of way.  Just in a sincere, polite way, enjoying each other. 

My post is not about ‘yeah me’.  My post is to myself saying, letting go was the beginning of something different. 

Now, maybe this is just a moment in time for me (and him).  Maybe.  I have no expectations of anything beyond right here, right now. 

But, I will shout out to God,  THANK YOU for never giving up on me even when I had given up on myself.