Breathing through it..

Breathing Room.  I and my family need it.  Lots of it.  So much going on.  So many without hope, or suffering from loss, incredible sadness.... it goes and goes.

I have not really given much thought (ok, not much) to how the current events have affected me.  The other day it hit me as I cried that I am grieving and need to move through it not stuff it.  I do not think I have mourned someone like I have this.  Someone.  Something.  Really unsettling.  Watching my children/grand kids go through their loss has kept most of my feelings at bay.  They pop out and I cry but then I go back to them.  HOw can I help them?  Or can I?

I have blogged that this death has pushed me back into the past and how I lived with out much concern of others.  It forced me to rethink so many years; so many hurts... including mine.  Where to start can't even be a start.  It is too overwhelming. 

The other night I was driving and crying.  Really crying.  And I knew that a drink would relieve that immediate need, the need to not feel.  But, I also knew that it would bring on many more problems.  Thank God that was a larger thought.!!!

Then I am driving (and doing too much thinking) and I began to think that I missed my old drug... The worst of the worst, one of which held me captive for 4 years, maybe 5.  long horrible disasterous years.  At a cost I hope I never have to pay again.  But, here I was thinking how that drug gave me drive and desire and creativity; all of which have been all but gone in the past 9 years.  Now, I am not going backwards or gonna do anything stupid, but the thoughts.  the thoughts.  the thoughts.

That was days ago and here I am, blogging sober and sane.  And somewhat content.  How interesting life is.  More that that.... How awesome God is.....

Right now one of my precious grand daughter is sleeping in and I am happy that we spent the weekend together.  Girly stuff.  Laughing, sharing, movie, dinner....

I have prayed, asked and cried to God to bring someone in my life that I would be in love again.... I already am in love....

It may not be the 'boyfriend' life but it is so full...  My children and grandchildren are that void that God bops my upside the head and reminds me... This is the life....

:)

Watch and Wait-ing

While I want to be honest in this blog about things, sometimes just writing makes it too real.  Lately, maybe too sad.  But, life is just that… sad and real.   I always say… it just keep coming at ya. 

So in a few days my kids will have a ‘celebration of life’ for their dad.  I started to say ‘goodbye’ to their dad, but they did that before he died.  So, celebration seems so jovial.  Well maybe it is meant to be.

Not funny, but perhaps uplifting in that he certainly left his footprint on this earth.  Good or bad, he was part of the human race.  And they love(d) him.  Their days, nights will be drenched with every emotion I can only imagine.  But they will get through this.  We all will.

To try and ascertain they whys and why not’s of this passing would not make any difference, so here we sit.  I have cried with them, laughed with them, sat with them, listened to them………………….. and most of all loved them during this time (and any other for that matter).  But grief takes all forms and we can not lessen the pain, nor shorten the time it takes to stop it; but I am on standby. 

 

On a different note; I saw the movie, ‘Wild’ with Reese Witherspoon.. really an interesting movie.  I mean it was based on a book written by a woman that trekked 1,000 miles on the pacific coast trail alone.  Backpack and boots.  Took 3 months and the journey was healing in itself.  The loss of her mother, her marriage and the letting go of a life that was so broken.  So, her healing began with that first step…

But that got me wondering.  How awesome it would be (I think) to just go.  To just pack up and head out on a fantastic journey of healing and self-discovery.   Wow!  I just want that opportunity.  Maybe not a wilderness trek, but a freeing experience that says, ‘I am not going to answer to anyone’ that I am free to go and do without restraints.   I just wondered, perhaps not a 3 month journey but maybe a couple of weeks.  Maybe.  Just alone with me, the air that I need and the sound of wind, water and peace.  Ahhhh.

The end of this post says little of the world around me and work.  It continues to beat me down and each time I rise and hope that will keep me abreast for a while.  That movie hit me in the gut and perhaps Tom’s passing that what in the hell am I/we waiting on………. Make that change… today.  Step out on faith.  Find your/my passion and by God live it!

God…………… yes………….. let me run that past Him……….. He may have a different plan for me…… J

 

New Beginnings... 2015

New Beginnings…………….. Heartaches and Happiness  (I think)

January 2, 2015 Blink and the year is gone.  And so it was.  Not the best of holidays for the family.  Tom (kid’s dad) passed away on Dec 31^st at 2pm.  Incredibly painful to watch my children.  I have not seen my grandkids yet but will tonight.  D said they are trying to process albeit lots of tears.  And we just can’t take that away.  I have thought many times since then of how to talk to kids (small) about death.  I know there are books out there; but how does a family talk to their family?  This time I believe they did it right.  Mom, dad and uncle sat down with all of them and told them with love.  Gave them all the breathing room they needed, lots of tears, hugs and more……………..  I’m sure it was hard on all of them.

It just dawned on me … that was only 2 days ago.  God what a fog.  Thankfully yesterday was a holiday for most.  I believe those that knew him walked around in a daze.  Kids went to his house and packed up some personal items…. I pulled up and began to cry.  It was December 21^st when he asked ‘D’ to take him to the hsp.  It was the next day they sent him home with hospice.  He knew, we all knew the end was near, yet…… do we ever really ‘know’?   I have thought of so many things.  How do you process that you are near death?  How?  What goes on inside?  He had been fighting cancer for about a year.  Since the end of summer everyone held their breath praying for one more week.  Make it to “m’ wedding  - thank you Jesus!  Make it to Halloween, Thanksgiving…. Xmas… Syd’s trip….  All those dates came and went… and then he was gone.  This has truly sent shock waves internally for me.  Wow, we are mortal.  Where did he go?  Was he afraid?  Is he with Jesus?  Was he aware of the activity surrounding him in those last hours?  That “M” never left his side.  This man could be a royal pain but he loved his kids and adored those grandbabies. 

So, there will be the year of…… without him.  Every holiday, event will pass with silence knowing he won’t be there.  His estate (if you will) may be a mess without a will…. And all of this has fallen on the man child’s shoulders.  What a turn of events.  Thank you God that “m” was clean and sober.  That his dad got to see how truly precious his kids are and that ‘m’ was going to have a better life.. Tom always made sure the grandkids had what they needed and most of what they wanted.  That will cease as we cannot carry that load financially.  One of the first things he told ‘m’ when they said this is the end was, ‘make sure they always have a good xmas’…. How truly heartbreaking is that?

So………….. sad ending to 2014 but other happiness was found.  The marriage of ‘M&A’… Miracle of miracles.  Syd’s wonderful trip to Disneyworld and the Outback bowl.  Not many kids get to do that…

The end of life will happen for all of us……….. but I pray that none of us has to feel that loss anytime soon.