Life after sobering up

As full as my life has become there are still areas that desire some fullfillment.  Love life.  When does that show up?  I know I'm not exactly the epitome of desirable.  Well no wait, yes I am.  And I have dated some.  But fear keeps me from really being able to open up.  Rejection looms and it's probably more in my head than anywhere.  Would it be easier just to be alone than to let my head run rampant after a date?
Perplexed I leave this in God's hands.  Mine are to busy still trying to run the show.  And we all know how that ends up. 

Tools

I was told that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous  would give me the necessary 'tools' to live one day at a time without a drink.  And it has.  But it has given me much more.  I continue to pull out of that tool kit what I can use daily to stay emotionally sober as well.  See it really is not about the drinking today.  But the thinking, well that is another story. 
So, when something comes up (and it does) I fall back on what I've learned in this program.  Fear (?) why.  Anger (?) at whom? 
The other night I was so upset at something that happened.  When the dust settled and I reviewed why I was so affected it was interesting at best.  The feeling of "I dont' matter" was at the forefront.  Also, with that was the feeling of shame.  Totally associated w/ the past cause what happened did not cause those feelings.  They caused them to come back out. 
After reviewing the whole incident, I was able to remain ok, and recognized God's grace in doing so. 
Totally a gift of the program. 

Freedom from Fear

You have told me for as long as I've been coming to the rooms of AA that freedom from fear includes walking through it.  Not running from it as I have always done.  I almost laugh now at the years I spent dodging all that I feared.  The fear of the fear. 
So being divorced for 6 years (almost) I have literally not moved on.  I mean I've dated a few times but learning to let go was something I was not ready to do.  Do you know how lonely it is to lay beside someone that no longer cares about you?  To try to deny the thoughts in my head that were speaking the truth but wouldn't come out my mouth.  The program tells us that we must be free from selfish, self seeking motives.  (If I tell him he will say goodbye for ever, then what will I do?) so I say  nothing.  Well I'm tired of that.  Yes, tired.  So, just like the drink I want to move on.  Leave this to a God that understands my fears and self doubts.  He will take care of me and him and I will let him. 
So I am finally willing to walk forward.  Head held high.  Hopes of a tomorrow (again).  I feel free but sad. 
Lonely but hopeful.  Hopeful that by letting go I will have a future, one day and it will be a God given relationship that will be good. 
Not one that will bring sadness and grief.  

This is all because the program has given me insight into who I am, why I respond like I do.  What is hard is being honest with ME.  That is where I am today.   Freedom.    By the Grace of God.

Letting Go (again and again and again)

Moving Beyone (to RJ)

I sit here this morning with a sad heart

Ready to leave you behind, begin..  a fresh new start.

But I quiver at best when the thought draws near

What will happen to you, will you be ok?  I’m full of fear.

I remember well those sad eyes as you told me goodbye

Leaving me was hard I could tell; all I could do was cry.

But time has healed many wounds so it seems

And I began to conjure up a future…. I was full of dreams.

I’d see you on weekends,  as the hurt began to fade away

I’d lay there at night and wanted badly to say

Do you still feel anything towards me my dear man?

Is there any love left inside if not, I understand.

But silently we continued, afraid to ask the question.

Leaving words unspoken – afraid of rejection.

So I sit here this day a mere six years down the road

Knowing the prayers I’ve spoken are about to unload

A totally new life for me and for you I believe

Better than anything I could possibly conceive.

However, those unspoken words have left a void that longs to be filled

Not a day goes by that I don’t  remember the life we tried to build.

But your choice was made so long ago

And I am scared, at best, but I want you to know.

That deep inside of my heart lies a spot that no one can touch

Not now, not ever…. You mean that much

So now I sit here asking God to show me the way

To let you go… Give me the words to say.

But then I think.. why am I struggling to find

A way to tell you I’m ready to leave this behind.

You see I’m certain the love that still lives

Deep inside me will never be mine to give.

You are incredible and I’ll always wish things had never ended,

But it did and now my heart and life seems somewhat mended.

Taking a break

I finally reached a breaking point.  The program of Alcohilics Anonymous says we are to give freely what was given to us.  However, having 3 people in the same place at the same time ended up being too much.  I felt too stretched.  So I started peeling the layers.  A necessary thing for me to do, for my sobriety.  And I hated it.  But, hating when the phone would ring because I had nothing left to offer, was draining me.

So as I stay sober I learn so much more about me.  As I help others I continue to grow in effectivness and understanding.  But for now it will be with less folks. 

I am so grateful that today I can see my limitations and I am willing to say no.  Without fear of recrimination from others that probably don't sponsor themselves.  AND this isn't the end.  It's a break and I'll continue when and if I am so prompted. 

Later.

Learning to Live One Day at a Time

Whew.  That takes practice.  I was always running hither and yon, never sitting still long enough to look at my life.  It was too painful.
You taught me how.  You gave me tools to live.  Steps by which I could finally stop running.  And I have (sort of).  Step 10 has given me a daily report which should be used to help define me.  polish me, if you will.
IF I ALLOW this to work in my life.  IF.
And most days I gladly give my life over to the care of the omnipotent one.  But then there is that one thing that I still hold on too.
That relationship.  Him.  My foot is still in the past.  Well sort of.  Seeing him ties me to just that.  See I am casually involved in a relationship w/ someone who kicked me to the curb years ago. 
Today I may have to come to terms with why.  There is the loop.  Right back to that inventory that hopefully will set me free (and him too). 
If I allow myself to feel the pain, experience the loss and move on.

Hmmm.

To my friend

Sometimes saying what I want or need to comes easier in a poem:

I’ve watched you suffer albeit from afar

I tried to help but nothing seems to change you, so far.

We have sat in meetings day after day

And most of the time you have little to say.

Your contempt for the necessary power to remain

Sober today and somewhat sane-

Eludes you at best, your resistance is great,

We have shared our stories yet you continue the debate.

When your life is such a mess and self reliance has failed you

Yet you stand before me screaming “tell me what to do”!

As if you haven’t heard this enough from me

Get busy in the steps, trust God…… let the rest be.

I believe in God’s grace but there is work for you to do

To get ‘those promises’ that are there for you

That has enriched our lives so much more than we ever dreamed.

Reduced the sadness, given us peace, helps us to live effortlessly or so it seems.

You, my bright young friend, can have all of this and more

And it begins with willingness to give up the war.

We all have those demons that haunt us at times

But we never stop trying and keep on the climb

as each step we take gives us something we can use

A power to live by, we have nothing to lose.

Reality Check

It begins daily with my desire to stay sober.  Asking for help, meditation, prayer.  Someone told me once to stay as clean as possible in the steps.  Wow that can be a chore at times.  But when I see how awful lives can be (and yet again) I do not want that pain.  No more, no how.  That is why my resolve may wain but I still do what I have been taught daily, to stay sober.
Now, staying free from pain aint' gonna happen.  So living this new life with sorrow, fear, comes along with joy, peace, contenment.  Can I have one and not the other.  No. 
So, in the past 3 months there has been more tears shed for the dying.  More fears revealed.  It took me by surprise to say the least.  At times I clung to another recovering woman just to keep my sanity in check. 
And then I've had moments of clarity it talks about in the bb.  Moments.  But they have come and will continue as long as I do not put anything in my body.  And allow God to fill my soul. 
A better deal?  You betcha!

And another.............

The calls seem to keep coming.  And we will bury another one.  Is it just me or when someone dies we seem to reflect back to the last conversation with that person.  He confided he was a mess.  Bi-Polar mess.  unsuccesful attempt to take his life a few months ago.  Well either he was successful this time or something interveined.  He was found dead by the neighbor after not answering his phone for a few days. 
So I cry (as will many others) as losing anyone is sad, hard.  Families are left shattered.  His will be no different.  I asked God why?  Who next?  How many more?  I am left afraid and vulnerable.  If the great and powerful force takes people either randomly or not so, then will he take one of my precious grandchildren?  My children?  Have I faith that no matter what I will be ok?  Yes.  But what about all the other people?  We all have the same opportunity but do we take it?
All I am sure of is this;  to take a drink will wipe away any life I may have.  Maybe slowly but it will.  As I prayed this morning I asked the God that I am certain I don't understand, to please be with us - ALL of us. 
And to you MM rest in peace, finally.

Believe in HOPE

Believe in HOPE

If you believe in anything, anything at all,

Believe in hope – without it we will all fall.

Fall for anything.  All will be lost,

Without hope – what will be the cost?

I know this, because I’ve been there.

I know…. I was filled with despair.

Some months ago, perhaps it was a day or two,

I clung to something they said to do.

Belief is something that comes with time,

Holding on to a thought or a feeling inside.

That leaves us knowing that all will be right,

There is a power much greater than all of that fright.

It’s in that belief somewhere deep inside,

The fear started shifting, leaving little to hide.

Like a child with their blanket, I held on so tight,

And the miracle began to stand me upright.

I peered around, loosening my grip,

And  all that shame, fear and anger began to slip,

Away to a place I could no longer afford,

To visit.   I was now with my Lord.

Their promise became mine somewhere along the way,

To keep it close to me is what I do pray.

So if hope escapes you, and fear shows it’s face,

Come visit me in my own secret place.

I will assure you of this and you will see,

That hope resounds inside of me.

Some of us don't ever get "this"

A sponsee of mine chose to go out and do what we do when we hurt and don't see the benefit of this program.  It took her to a place so scary that she is now in ICU.  Frail, shaking, like a wild child with eyes so scary that it saddens me.  And I have not the power necessary to get her sober.   That is my lesson in this.
Oh but I want too.  Don't we want everyone to find the solution?  To walk in the sunlight of the spirit.  We have had many discussions about God and spirituality that I began to think was just too much for her.  And it was.  Because she made it that way. 
So as she is laying there probably trying to remember all that happened, I sit here trying to find the words to say to her, you can do this, but not without help.   We are all helpless.  Isn't that what step 1 tells me?
So, I'll reserve the anger towards this disease  today.  I'll give this to a God that I don't understand but He is ok with that.  I'll leave this where it is and hopefully she will get better and pickup these simple spiritual tools.  A design for living that has NOT let me down, not once. 

Family Dis-ease

Initially I thought I was horrible and I was - at that time

Leading that double life took all that was left behind.

People fled.  Pets were dead.  Spouses hated, children waited.

Those that had not a clue.  Those who I hoped never knew.

The secret life had finally managed to eradicate and totally ravage

Those sweet souls who loved without respite, young and old – nary a night

Slipped by without the worry and woe – keeping them at bay hopping they wouldn’t know.

Time and God cleaned up that mess.  Only for me - not the rest.

It seems a folly for me to think, that they are helped without me and a drink.

But hurt and anger always will be, closer to them near to thee

So help them is not what I can do, it’s out of my hands I wish they knew

The love of God, his mercy and grace.  Helping me to live without disgrace.

At times I cry and feel so apart from - All those who know where I came from.

I continue to pray for peace in their lives, perhaps they will see and drop their disguise

It’s not always easy but certainly a better today, I’m a free ‘er man in most every way.

if doubt still mires you and your head full of pride-

Self pity and anger won’t leave your side.

Then listen to my words – It’s never too late.  I wish for you the same in all that I do

It’s you that I pray for and cry all the same.  I adore each of you and love you too.

Early Sobriety SUCKS

I am reminded often while working w/ woman newcomers how hard early sobriety is.  I mean it does get easier BUT the beginning is hard.  It was extremely hard for me due to lots of consequences.   He left.  Probably the hardest thing besides getting sober that I had to deal with.  Creditors, family crisis.  It was all there.  So, just sobering up obviously was not enough.  And those early days were horrendous.    But I digress. 
so I get a call from a sponsee last night, frantic!  Help my husband is going to get high and wants me to go with him.  He wants all our $$.  I won't be able to go home.  Uh yup.  I get it.  That's what we do when we aren't getting sober.  Through sobs she determined she needed a place to crash for the night which she found in a caring soul in our group.  i talked to her this morning and she actually had slept well, stayed sober and was feeling stronger than ever about sobriety.  HERS!  Bingo   that's what it takes, right?
So, as she muddles through these trying days of dont' drink, go to meetings, clean house, trust God and work w/ others we shall see how this program unfolds in her life.  It won't be easy.  No home, no car, no family close.   That is what we are get with early sobriety.  But I always say the good news is you get to stay sober.  For without that all your choices go out the window.
Thank God for all that I am and all that I'm not.  And today it teeters more to the all that I am side of the sober scale. 
She will get there, just like the rest of us, one day at a time. 

And we bury another one......

It is sad.  They say jails institutions or death.  I'll take recovery.  Last night the meeting was rather dark.  I mean everyone wanted to make it about how they are affected by this person's death.  After some sobriety (unclear how long, maybe a few years?) he goes in and out, in and out.   Until out is a slab at the morgue.  Of course we are affected.  He was a friend, a brother, a son, a father.   He was one of "us".  The ripple affect can be felt in may directions.  My anger dissipated early today after shedding tears and sharing fears w/ a fellow recovery AA'r. 
Today I don't want to die.   I mean we get busy living or get busy dying.  It's that simple.  But it wasn't that way, that long ago.  I did want to die.  I mean I begged God to take me or fix me and I didn't care which.  the pain was too great for me.   And I sit here today with 3.5 years of sobriety.  It has not always been easy.  But looking back it was always better than that last drunk.  Better than the slow death I was living. 
Now when I sponsor woman and they say I hate being sober I think well then go out and try some more.  When you really get tired of being tired of that way of living, doesn't it make sense to listen to what is said in those rooms.  Get busy working the steps.  Relief comes.  Real relief.  Relief from the bondage of all that held me down.  I bite my lip thinking about all that I lived through.  I could cry but why?  I mean it took what it took and it took a lot! 
When I think of living in the dregs of the universe I shudder w/ dismay and disgust.  My lowest was stealing from anyone that I could so that I could get what I needed just to survive.  Lying to anyone and everyone so that I could keep doing what I was doing.  A manipulative, coniving, lying thief of a shell of a woman that at one time had the love  of a terrific husband.  The admiration of co-workers, and the life that I thought would give me the peace and happiness that had alluded me my entire life.  We all know that won't and doesn't happen.  And the really sad part is that I didn't know that.  Ignorance is bliss?  Uh ignorance is sad.......
So, happily I write this with some semblance of peace of mind, lots of good things going on in my life and the best part is I can actually say I can feel the presence of a power that leads me in the right direction.  Wow  incredible. 
Now on to the funeral for  a man not yet 40 who just couldn't get this program....

To say I HATE this disease is an understatement

Or should I?  If I reflect on  my own path it lead me to a God so full of grace he gave me the strength to go on when no one else cared if I lived or died.  But it takes so many of us too.  This morning I got "that" call.  One of my group members was found dead of probably an overdose.   I am sitting here grieving for all that he was and could have been.  He was 40 years old.  His sister, dad, wife and step mother all are part of our group.  His mother is beside herself.  We bury ourselves everytime one of "us" dies this way. 
To never have known relief before dying of this disease is sad enough.  But he had been in our rooms.  He had been sober.  I asked about him the other day.  It was not good news.  But we ALWAYS reserve hope, don't we?  It is in this realm that I say  I HATE this disease.   I HATE what happens if we don't seek a solution.  But if we never knew then we never knew. 
But what about those of us that knew and still chose to return to that darkness?  Is that worse?  Who knows? 
I said a pray for the handful of us that will mourn the loss of someone too young to die but older than most for having lived the life he had.  
I am grateful for the opportunity to stay sober one more day and be of use to his family that is left to pick up the shattered pieces of a life cut short too soon.
For you WP  may you finally have the peace you so craved........

Am I right?

That is not a question for you to answer but a point to ponder. 
I had a sponsee slip.  so did her hubby.  HIS sponsor wanted me to come over and sit w/ the 3 of them and help them come up w/ a relapse prevention plan.  Really?  what plan could possibly be better than our steps and the power of a God much greater than I?  I explained that I was taught by the woman that have shared my path, that what's beyond the end of my nose is none of my business.  That I am here to help MY sponsee.  Her hubby is not my concern.  He chatted about what the book says.  That we are to leave our jobs, go out when we don't feel like it, to lend our help where it is needed.  Oh great.  I had no comeback for that one except anger.  But after talking to MY sponsor I got out the bb.  Under the chapter "working with others".  Chocked full of information.  The least of which talked about how we go about helping others. 
Doesn't it also say we do not make this our occupation? 
I talked w/ my sponsee last night.  I explained I'm willing to help her through the steps but the rest of this has got to be thought out. 
Now, on to why he bothers me.  That, my friend, is about not liking to be told what to do.  I know that about myself from working those steps.  I also know that to be open minded I am living as a wide eyed wonder kid and eager to learn.  That  you taught me within those rooms. 
God puts people in our path.  How awesome that, today, I 'get to' share my time with them.

CHANGE(S)

I came here to learn how to live without drinking.  Without hurting anyone else.  What I heard scared the hell out of me.  I had to change one thing... and that was EVERYTHING!  How do you do that?  EVERYTHING?  Really?  It took quite awhile to even believe that I needed an overhauling.  A complete change in how I think, which changes how I react and feel.  How do I do that?  Really, I only want the bad stuff to stop happening.  That's it.
Well I jumped into this program everytime something got really bad.  When life straightened out, bam! Right back out I'd go.  And each time it got worse.  And each time I would tell myself, "it can't get worse than this".  And sure enough I would manage to make it that way.. and then some.
Then I heard, "we have ceased fighting anything or anyone".  And slowly that is happening.  Not a bandaid fix which once the scab heals I go back to redamage it.  But a true psycich change.  One necessary to bring about recovery.  I am of the educational variety it talks about in the apendix.  I believe most of us are.  Tell me then let me do it on my own and find out the hard way.  (does this sound familiar?).
Thus my life began again.  June 14, 2007.  Although I also had  sometime in Oct 2004 and then Dec 30, 2005.  But this time, yes this time, I wanted to change.  Not just so the hurt would stop, but so that I could live daily without alcohol. 
And that is what you promised "if" I worked those steps, lived the principals. 
Wow!  Who would have thought this?

Let me not forget that this disease wants me dead!

I was reminded of this again last night when  another group member told me about a young girl that came to our group for a short few weeks and one night went home and hung herself.  She died but was brought back to life.  Yes, she was found hanging fromt he second story balcony in her complex.   Brought back to life!  She stayed in the hospital for a few weeks.  She is a miracle.  And hearing of this brought tears to my eyes.  Especially after spending time the night before, on the phone, w/ a sponsee that just can't accept the God thing. 
Understanding w/ my heart that we die from this dis-ease is hard at times.   I mean my head tells me that is the truth.  But until you see it straight on.... the doubt is always looming. 
I went to one of our inpatient facilities last night.  they allow us to bring our experience, strength and hope to the woman on Monday nights.  Doing this is part of giving back but it allows me to see how some people still don't see how grave the whole "addictive lifestyle" truly is.  I saw one woman giggling and having a good time and I could not stop thinking about the lifeless body of the woman as she hung from the balcony. 
Why do so many of us die?  Our book tells us some of us do.  I am so grateful that I was willing to hang on and do a few things to insure sobriety.  EVEN when it seemed futile.  Even when most of what I am feeling is trying to steer me into that lie once again. 
This is a better deal.  I am incredibly comfortable and reasonably happy.  All by the grace of God.

Dare I mention GOD>?

I have a sponsee that is unable/unwilling to accept the idea of a power greater than her.  We talked for quite awhile last night about how you grow in that idea.  I pointed out the spiritual experience in the appendix of the bb.  I shared my experience.  We talked about the entire God idea and I found myself wincing at the thought of not believing in something, anything that could lead me in a direction of sober living, sober thinking, sober acting. 
I had to think back (although not that long ago) at my journey to this understanding.   I shared that it has changed as I have grown.  It has evolved as I have stayed sober. 
But later that night as I reflected on our conversation, I was saddened to think that what I was trying to do was convince her that this is the way to sobriety.  Convince, really? 
Why didn't I labor long of how many times she tried to stop and couldn't.  Why didn't we languish in the truths of her path up to this point?  It all seemed totally worthless to me as I lay there in the dark thanking God for keeping me sober and knowing she was at the jumping off point.  She asked if I believe in heaven and hell.  I told her yes to the heaven.  She told me that if she didn't believe in hell she would have checked out of this world already but she was too afraid that would certainly condemn her to whatever that concept is for her.  Which sounded scary. 
I quickly jumped on that idea.  Well if your too afraid to die why don't you get busy living?  they say that willingness is the key.  THE key.   It has to begin somehwere.  We ended the tear filled conversation with a promise from her to me that she would at least try the 3rd step prayer daily for awhile.  Just see where it leads you. 
Then I get a call today at lunch.   From her.  She was ecstatic.  A former ballet dancer and a member of an elite dance troope that years ago was filled with hard fisted believers... yup Christians.  AND she admited to me that back then she wanted what they had.  they all were happy.  loving life.  And she was not.
Well out of the blue she received a call from the director today.  They will be in town tonight and invited her to come to see them.  What?  Really?   I could not resist,.    A GOD thing.  REALLY?   I trust that is exactly what that is.........  She seemed giddy and, at the most, accepting that it was an odd call at best.  After all the last time she had anything to do with them she was proudly denouncing the entire outfit as Jesus Freaks and she wanted no part of them anymore.  She was happily going on her way w/ pockets of Xanex and any other pills she could fit in those size 0 jeans.   That lasted 7 years. 
7 years and NOW the call comes in.  7 years.  REALLY?  
God is amazing.  He is all around and I got to experience that sense of joy that was spilling out of her today.  
Unbelievable. and less than 24 hrs ago she was ready to leave this life.   REALLY?  REALLY?   hmmmmm

It gets better, right?

I have a sponsee that is just starting this way of life after a relapse.  (is it a relapse if you haven't had any real sobriety anyway?)  She called this morning and was in a full blown panic attack, begging me to tell her it will get better.  And for me, it did.  I just have to believe in the steps and this program, otherwise I wouldn't stick around.  Would you?  I mean we come in beat down.  We start working the steps and slowly (for me) things started to change.  But I begged people to tell me "when" and "how long".  I didn't like to wait (on what I do not know) but if I had a time frame, the wait wouldn't seem so difficult.  And no one would.  At times I would scream and cry and want to chuck it all.  What if you were lying to me.  What if this is a trick?  The one thing that I knew for certain was that drinking/using - for me - had become a liability.  A true sickness and I wanted no more of it.  The pain was too great from within.  To hell with those people I had hurt.  The true motivation that stuck was that IIIIIIIIIII was hurting enough to want to stop.  Not you,not them,  ME.
At almost 2 years sober I ran to my sponsor's house crying.  I just  couldn't do this anymore.  REALLY?  Hmmm.  I mean I was not "feeling" those promises that are read.  I was miserable (or so I thought) and had little hope that it would change.  She promptly advised that I was not drinking - today, right?  uh, yes.  that would be yes.  Well then, your getting what you signed up for, right?  uh  I guess so.......   But, I exclaimed, I want/need more!  (there that will show her).  Then get busy.  Start writing.  "what are your truths"?  Get to it!
See sobriety does not happen by accident.  No sir!  It is from a sincere desire to want something else.  something better.  and I do.  I still do.  It has gotten better.  So when I am asked that by whomever, I can share my experience with them.  yes it does.

Please, Tell Me The Truth!

I was coming apart this morning.  Fear, Anxiety, self loathing, judgment, anger....... need I go on?  Where was all this coming from?  I had a sponsor tell me (gently guide me) to living my truths.  It was so freeing.  But that was several years ago.  I realized this morning that I had stopped doing that.  I had managed (imagine that) to attach myself right to the very folks that I did not even want too.  How does that happen?  And on top of that become increasingly angerier being there.  Now doesn't that just fit the bill of an alcoholic?  So, I sat at my kitchen table and started my list.  MY truths.  Not yours.  It began again.  That freedom to list those simple things.  I got excited.  I emailed a friend in the program.  Please, meet me this weekend, I need to discuss w/ someone I trust this stuff.  So, we are and I will disclose to her my list.  This is truly to gain the insight of another woman's perspective.  Someone that will not try to change my mind.  Why is it we want to redirect someone's thinking?  I mean I may get off track at times, but refuse to allow just anyone to push me in any direction. 
Step 11 - Sought through prayer AND meditation  that means spending time with right?  I feel alive again.  Renewed.  Peaceful. 
Thank you God!

By opening my heart my eyes open too!

I lived my life shutting people out IF they could not or would not do what I wanted them to do.  Painfully destroying those that allowed it, licking wounds when they wouldn't.   In working the steps of the AA program I am reminded that after step 9 and the amends process I can not longer act that way.  Hmmm.  I am looking for loopholes here.  Loopholes that I do not need.
It tells us in the literature that we block ourselves from the sunlight of the spirit when I shut myself off from you.  Those walls that held me in for so long (and you out) are no longer necessary.  NOT if I'm living in these principals.  Trusting God for all that I need has given me freedom.    But, that does not mean I'm perfect at this.  Not by far.  But I'm willing to learn and listen and allow those walls to come down "most"of the time. 
Isn't it interesting that the thing that I thought was my protective gear (walls) actually were damaging to my spirit?  But now in knowing that how am I to live?  When I am still very skeptical of the world around me.  And truly uneasy about people getting too close.  Why?  Does that matter?  Not sure on that one.  However, I need to live without borders.  Learning that trust is a two way street helped too. 
Learning to love people where they are is difficult but necessary.  After all, didn't you love me long before I could even look at myself in the mirror?  

Feelings, Nothing more than feelings........

If I've heard this 100x's I've heard it 1000.  Our feelings are not reliable.  At first what I "heard" was they didn't matter.  Well they do.  Because I'm feeling driven.  I feel bad due to a cold - I take cold medicine.  I feel bad due to a loss of a loved one - I reach for comfort from those that understand.  and on and on.  However,  feelings change and reacting to how I feel at that moment is usually not a good idea.  I mean I'm happy - react jovial.  ok.  I'm sad - react like it's the end of the world.  no.  Not good.
So, how do I retrain this brain to do the opposite of what it's done for 52 years?  I've been asking that question for quite sometime.  You know the sayings, "time takes time"  "in the meantime it's a mean time".   The passage in the big book that clearly states,  when aggitated or doubtful, we pause.  PAUSE.  Something this alcoholic knew nothing about.  I clearly understood the wreckage brought on my that immediate response.  The lunging at people when angry, fearful, lonely.  Afraid that if I embrassed the feeling I would be enveloped by it.  And sometimes I would.  You people have helped me understand and learn knew coping methods.  Nothing lasts forever (tell that to my soul when it wept out of fear and lonliness).  Dark nights go on forever.  But, alas, they do end.  Now what to do in the interim?
So I take a deliberate action.  One that hopefully will cause no harm.  I pick up a dirty house, I go to the gym, I ask someone how I may help them.  I do anything to get beyond that head noise.  Anything but pick up a drink. 
I understand a little better today the Grace of God.  I was told a long time ago that one day it would come down to me and God.  Plain and simple.  Picking up the phone was good, but hitting my knees is better.  I know cause I do that a lot. 
If in sharing who i am, what I believe, and how I act will help you to somehow stay sober and begin to apply those principals in your life, then this day has been successfull.  Not for a pat on the back, but in doing so I "get to" stay sober one more day.

I "get" to

That's right, I get to.  When I started this journey I was full of rage, self doubt, disillusioned by life and my actions.  I could not get out of bed (due to that other addiction) and waisted lots of nights drinking myself into oblivion.  And I thought I loved my life.  Then everything shattered. 
I crawled into the rooms of AA broken and distrustful of anything and everyone.  And I let you know it.  How could those steps on the wall, that book that I had once used as a coaster on my coffee table, how could they possibly get/keep me sober.  Ah, you say what I was doing wasn't working, right?  Right!  I became teachable through misery.  I was at the jumping off place.  Last house on the block.  I had little fight left in me.  And you loved me till I could lift my head up and then some.
Today I 'get to ' go to work, to the gym, heck I'm free to go just about anywhere.  I no longer view this life as I HAVE TO!  Not any longer.  When I did those admission steps (1&2) and in 3 asked God to direct my life things began to happen.  Over and over.  Incredible.  Undescribeable.  
What began as a ripped up life has grown into a productive, useful existance.  All because I lay on my couch and begged God to take me or fix me and at that time I did not care which.  I was absolutely miserable living the way I HAD to.
That's why living today in the present is a present.   A gift.  One I gladly share w/ you and any others that come in broken, angry and ready to rip the heads off of anyone that looked at them sideways. 

I get too and I get that. 

Staying on my side of the street

That is something this program is teaching me.  And although that sounds like a simple thing, it is not.  I find myself being pulled into drama within the walls of AA.  I pull back.  I think I"m doing good and then BAM!  "did you hear?" come up again.    So, what I'm learning about "me" is that time takes time and nothing changes if nothing changes.  So, when  a sponsee sent me an email trying to tell me about "so and so"  I politely replied, "I do not want to be part of this gossip train"  Today I want to be free from resentments that stem from knowing what "they" are doing.  It makes better sense.  Those character defects that keep cropping up continue to amaze me.   But today I have a solution.  Ask for help and STOP doing that.  I may not always be able to walk away from the nonsense in the rooms and out, but I can certainly do what I can to keep from spreading it. 
I have been given the gift of life and today I do not want to throw that back. 
Thank you God for all that I am - and all that I'm not.......

Getting to practice these principals........

Isn't that what you have taught me?  Ugh to that sometimes.  I 'get to' practice.  Yes sir.  Even when I do not want to.  See today, I want to be free of resentments.  Free from self centeredness.  So I have to do my part, which isn't always easy.  I belong to a pretty open minded AA group.  That lends itself to all kinds of interesting folks.  Hence the title of this post.
I came in to these rooms broken.  A puddle of mess.  You guys tolerated my sobs, my anger, my outbursts.  My endless babling.  And I need to show you the same courtesy.  Right?
However, in doing so that DOES not mean it excuses bad behavior.  There in lies my lesson.  I have tried really hard to adhere to the spiritual principals I have been shown by the program.  And when someone else gets to stay sober but still live in deceit and poor choices, I get resentful.  I kept wondering why do they get to do "half measures" and I can't?  Why?
WHY can't I?  Because I want ALl of the promises to come true.  Not just a portion.  Not just a tad.  All.  But I can not have them if I do not live for them.  
Those others that can - get what they get.  Right? 
Another lesson - another character defect reveled.  Another growth opportunity.  I don't always readily accept, but when I come around.......... I really come around. 
It is by the Grace of God that I "get to see' who I really am.  It's the Grace of God that lets me live another day sober.  Physically and mentally.  Which gives my spirit the lift it needs. 

Not Having a Clue

Sober.  Sober living.  Sober everything.   It’s real and somedays’ it’s real good.  I’ve discovered a few (well more than a few) things about myself.  The biggest thing is that I know very little about sober living.  But I’m willing to keep walking NO MATTER WHAT.  I’ve experienced heartbreak, job change(s), move(s), and death.  ALL SOBER.
So I will begin to share this with you, the world.  Do I think you will care?  Some will?  Will it matter to me if you don’t?  Not on your life.  I walk this earth today a free woman.  free from alcohol which in in itself lends so much to my life.  I owe it all to living one day at a time.
I love the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I didn’t at first.  I thought I had done irreprible damage and could not understand much of what I read and little of what I heard.  I was scared and told you so.  A few listened.  Some turned their heads in disgust.  But you (fellow members) sat with me.  Cried with me.  Laughed with me.  But never, never let me think I was alone.  I am grateful for all that I have been through (today).  For it took all of it to get me to bend my knees in prayer, scream in agony and hate the entire world for having the answers and me not having a clue.

Re-Covering

Yes, recovering.  Not recovered.  Although our book does tell us that we have recovered from a seeminly helpless state of mind and body.  Body yes.  Mind is in the process of recoverying.  And recovering from what?
I believe in the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.  I have read the big book, applied those principals in my life (to the best of my ability) and my life is much better.  I continue to be amazed.
when I sponsor woman I try to relay to them (by the book) my experience with getting sober and LIVING sober.  Working the steps.  Staying as clean as possible on  a daily basis through the steps.  That isn’t always easy.
I am reminded often to check my motives.  check my daily experiences.  Am I living free from resentments?  Fear?  Anxiety comes and goes as does fear and resentments.  but today I have an answer to life’s qualms.  God.  Steps and my fellows within those wall.
IF this life wasn’t a better life I wouldn’t have stuck around.  For the first 3 years in this program I cried all the time.  I came  in w/ the loss of a marriage.  One that I truly cherished.  A man that I thought I couldnt’ live without.  He left anyway.
I’ve come to terms with that.  As well as a less than great upbringing.  Children that disappoint and how I’ve let others down.  Siblings that don’t want this way of life but certainly could use it(i’ve been watching).   But even though we are told our problem is we think too much of ourselves, i am certainly selfish when it comes to recovery and how much i put into it.   RECOVERY!  without it I have no life.  
And today happens to be a pretty good one.

The beginning

that is what I call it.  Breathing lessons.  Learning to breathe through life.  I never realized until I got sober that i dodged everything.  Ran away.  Hid.  Call it what you want.  But I was good at it.  But the more I dodge the more I drank and vise versa.  Really a sad way to live.  But I did not know any other way.  Heck I didn’t even know what I was doing wasn’t working.  Self preservation.
However, today I have a solution.  They hang on every wall in every hall of AA’s rooms.   They allow me to let you live without my unsolicited advice or input.  They allow me to breathe through those ‘things’ that used to send me to the bottom of the bottle (or other things).
I am a happy, sober woman.