Character Defects

So I thought I had done steps 6 & 7.  However, I was reading a book that talks about those 2 steps and how exactly they can change our lives.  that when people say I need to do another 4th step that perhaps what they need to do is look at their character defects.  So I read on.  The part in the bb only has a few short lines referring to these crucial steps.  That amazes me.  But, as I read it says that God reveals more as we grow spiritually.  Thank God for that cause I am easily overwhelmed. 
How we allow that to happen is still a work in progress for me.  But, I pray for willingness......... daily

Speaking up.

Speaking at meetings has always come easily for me.  Why wouldn't it?  I'm a egotistical recovering person.  Well at times that comes across louder than others.  Is all that I share ego driven?  I hope not.  I hope that I am not speaking to hear myself, but rather to help another. 
Being the 'speaker" at a meeting is something entirely different.  It's hard and uncomfortable if for only a few minutes.  I experienced that this weekend.  Speaking at a small group where I had never been before.  And no one seemed to even be paying attention.  That made me feel like what I was saying wasn't important to anyone there.  I kept focusing on "the primary purpose" during the talk.  No head nods, no smiles.  What was going on there?  Was anyone happy to be sober AND at a meeting?  Just didn't seem so.  Afterwards a few members came up and thanked me for being there.  But what I realized is the only ones that did were long term sobriety.  I have no idea about the rest.  I took it to heart at first and then found the answer inside of me.  I was there to carry a message.  How they receive it is none of my busines..   Who knows maybe someone woke up Sunday morning happy to be alive and sober and remembered something I shared?! 
If not I can say that I stayed sober and had a good time doing so.

Working at being ok

Is that what we are supposed to do?  WORK at it?  Well let's break it down like this:  I may not be working at being ok, but I certainly do "work" at not creating more damage which ultimately keeps me in that "ok" place. 
I so want God working in my life that I am willing on a daily basis to do a few things.  Pray.  The 3rd step prayer gives me the exact direction I need.  I try to read out of our BB everyday.  I work with others, attend meetings.  And keep that contact all throughout the day. 
Thank you God for all that I am and all that I'm not..

Taking Action and then what?

I was perplexed.  No wait.  No I wasn't.  I was lost in self and self seeking motives.  I tried to venture out in this new life to date.  I couldn't.  It was disasterous.  Have I been alone too long.  Has sobriety changed me so much that I can not put up with anyones dumb behavior?  Not sure.  But I prayed without ceasing (isn't that what our literature says to do?) to find the answer to life's problems.  See he is still in my heart.  And very much in my life.  That man.  The one I've loved since 1991.  So, knowing I could move on and should, I asked God to help me do the right thing.  Which is stop seeing him.  So I told him, again.  We both cried but he does not want the old me.  REALLY?  Heck neither do I.  So, it ended again.  I'm free.  Or am I?  There is a part of me that just feels like all that he'n and she'n just messes w/ my mind.  So I took the action (telling him goodbye) and now?  Now what?  How do I wait to see what will happen?  Who am I kidding.  There is no waiting.  It's living silly.  Living while my God opens doors for me.  Doors that I couldn't have imagined.  He has done it several times since June 2007.  And my mind thinks that I can see or know my future.  Don't count on it.  I can't see around corners. 
Somedays I'm content just being.  Being me, single.  Other days I may panic about the future but feel certain I'm in good hands....
Where else should I be?   It feels right.  It feels good.  Today.

Life after sobering up

As full as my life has become there are still areas that desire some fullfillment.  Love life.  When does that show up?  I know I'm not exactly the epitome of desirable.  Well no wait, yes I am.  And I have dated some.  But fear keeps me from really being able to open up.  Rejection looms and it's probably more in my head than anywhere.  Would it be easier just to be alone than to let my head run rampant after a date?
Perplexed I leave this in God's hands.  Mine are to busy still trying to run the show.  And we all know how that ends up. 

Tools

I was told that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous  would give me the necessary 'tools' to live one day at a time without a drink.  And it has.  But it has given me much more.  I continue to pull out of that tool kit what I can use daily to stay emotionally sober as well.  See it really is not about the drinking today.  But the thinking, well that is another story. 
So, when something comes up (and it does) I fall back on what I've learned in this program.  Fear (?) why.  Anger (?) at whom? 
The other night I was so upset at something that happened.  When the dust settled and I reviewed why I was so affected it was interesting at best.  The feeling of "I dont' matter" was at the forefront.  Also, with that was the feeling of shame.  Totally associated w/ the past cause what happened did not cause those feelings.  They caused them to come back out. 
After reviewing the whole incident, I was able to remain ok, and recognized God's grace in doing so. 
Totally a gift of the program. 

Freedom from Fear

You have told me for as long as I've been coming to the rooms of AA that freedom from fear includes walking through it.  Not running from it as I have always done.  I almost laugh now at the years I spent dodging all that I feared.  The fear of the fear. 
So being divorced for 6 years (almost) I have literally not moved on.  I mean I've dated a few times but learning to let go was something I was not ready to do.  Do you know how lonely it is to lay beside someone that no longer cares about you?  To try to deny the thoughts in my head that were speaking the truth but wouldn't come out my mouth.  The program tells us that we must be free from selfish, self seeking motives.  (If I tell him he will say goodbye for ever, then what will I do?) so I say  nothing.  Well I'm tired of that.  Yes, tired.  So, just like the drink I want to move on.  Leave this to a God that understands my fears and self doubts.  He will take care of me and him and I will let him. 
So I am finally willing to walk forward.  Head held high.  Hopes of a tomorrow (again).  I feel free but sad. 
Lonely but hopeful.  Hopeful that by letting go I will have a future, one day and it will be a God given relationship that will be good. 
Not one that will bring sadness and grief.  

This is all because the program has given me insight into who I am, why I respond like I do.  What is hard is being honest with ME.  That is where I am today.   Freedom.    By the Grace of God.