Moving Slow

Grief does funny things to us.  Recognizing the grief itself and then ascertaining what I am truly feeling can be challenging, especially in the middle of it.  Days can still be sad but that only lasts for a few minutes or until I change the thought process.  And boy what a process.

The anger I displayed 2 weeks ago (really?  It seems longer ago than that) has diminished greatly leaving the sadness behind.  The one truth that I still stand on is I did the right thing breaking it off with him and booting him out the night of my birthday.  I won’t relive all of that but it is still pretty raw.

I’m gaining back my singleness these days.   Several trips planned one of which is this weekend.  Camping has always been a feel good for my family with so many good memories that it makes perfect sense to go now.  The fall temps will be cool at night (in the 50’s) and the daytime air about mid 70’s.  I plan on kayaking around the lake; my traveling companion is my sweet sister who has listened, talked to me and most of all kept an understanding presence for me.  Her and my best friend have made a huge difference during the last few months.  I may be moving slow but I am moving.

Who's Journey

Who’s Journey?

That is the question.  Can we truly know what another is thinking or feeling without asking?  In the asking does it settle the question?  No, of course not.  It may be an answer but I have learned that we do not ‘truly’ understand until we have experienced the same life experiences.

Another equally important point is we all process differently.  Acceptance to some may come with many blows to the heart/head, while the same outcome may be produced quickly in others without any suffering, so the question should be, ‘why’?

I am of the life lesson/learned from experience, mindset that loving someone while they are going through a rough ‘patch’ may be all that is needed.  We don’t always get the choice of our directions taking from us before turning left or right.   Hindsight?

What also comes to mind is the judgment given or felt during a dark time.  I suppose others will spread joy or judge whichever they care too.  On the receiving end the later can be hurtful and again, I try not to harm…… try……

So, my journey needs no condemnation; no journey does.  In the quiet desperation of wandering and wondering it came to me that life can’t always be explained and understood.   I had a friend tell me, ‘you can’t explain crazy’.  I am reminded over and over when the question pops up, why?  Knowing the why does not change the outcome.

Along life’s journey we will meet many people and all of us have a story.  Be kind…….You never know what’s being written in yours.

Hello Life..

Hello life.  It’s good to have you back again.  J  Happy days are here again.  J  Let the sunshine… Let the sun shine in the sun shine in…J

I’m breathing today.  Perhaps a tad hopeful, perhaps.  Lord that is a miracle in itself.

I am actually excited to be going on a road trip all by MYSELF!  I have never done that.  My trips have always been with girlfriends or men. (ugh).  I am leaving next week and driving to Gatlinburg TN to stay a few days with an old friend.    I need a break from here.  Not that I’m not ok, because I am… just a change of scenery.  A few laughs maybe a hike to Clingmans Dome.  All of this makes me smile.  After my divorce in 2004 I went there with my sister for a few days.  It snowed; we laughed, romped around and just had a great time.  The leaves won’t be changing yet but the green will be just as nice.  I have actually thought about camping (not this trip) but going alone somewhere.  I have talked about this before but I have never put any serious plan in place.  That is on my bucket list, silly as that may sound.  You see, for me, I am comfortable being alone but enjoy company if it is the right kind.  (wink, wink).  But there is something so calming to me to sit around a campfire, enjoying coffee and then rolling into a sleeping bag… drifting off as the night sounds encompass sweet dreams.  I can do this…. And will … soon.

I sound better.  I am smiling.  The outsides feel better, not all slumped over and teary.  Halleluja !  Do I miss him?  Not the him I saw over the past 4 months.  NOT AT ALL.  Just out of curiosity I went back over some ponderings during the past 6 months.  Certainly telling of where I was, where he wasn’t and how that all changed so quickly.  Never, never, never give your spirit away… NEVER!

A person blasted me the other day about how I was not true to myself and that I had portrayed myself differently and they were disappointed in what I had not been able to accomplish during those miserable months.  Mainly, I suppose, was getting my act together and letting that go.  Well, that is partially true.  But I held on for hope that things would work out.   I see nothing superficial in that.  Nothing pushing against the grain of wisdom they thought I had shared with them.  Only a wonderful woman, who in spite of what they thought, was happy, for a moment…. In Camelot….

So, I heard something the other day that talked about not looking for Mr Right, but allowing God to make us who our authentic selves are supposed to be (what HE made us to be) That is the quest.  So, instead of a love story, make it a life story.  See God never leaves us.  That can’t be said for humans. 

The flow of life continues.

Dirty Well...

How many times can you drink from the same dirty well expecting it to taste better? 

When someone presents themselves one way but acts another… when the true side is exposed

are we surprised or relieved?  Is it a tragedy no to have known?  Do we just turn our heads over

and over hoping what we are experiencing is not happening?  Recently I have had the painful

experience of running right in to the arms of a narcissistic ass.  I do not say that with any

apologies.  It took months to finally say GET OUT OF HERE.    And in the meantime he

has devalued much about me; me floundering trying to right myself but never truly being

able too.   All the while thinking, ‘what  is wrong with me’  like I was imagining all that

destruction.  On the outside they look awesome.  Sweet, intelligent, good looking, smooth talker,

pulling unsuspecting people in and squeezing the life out of them/me.  Incredibly self-serving,

looking back over months of this painful  journey I see all to clearly how tormented I had

become.  How much joy he must have been getting out of this whole ride. 

This entire time suppressing how I felt after being told he is not and may never be in love… with

me.  Denying my feelings out of self-preservation but knowing deep down inside it was there. 

Wishing so many times to hear those words from him… that never came.

Listen closely to how this presented itself.  People that get caught in their web truly are

surprised to find out how deceiving they can be, all the while wondering what is wrong with

themselves. 

This sounds totally bashing to ‘those people’ but it isn’t.  What this is, is a story, nonfiction, all

the events happened… only the names (haha) have been changed.

Why Question..

Why question what has already been?

Why cry when promises have all been a dream?

Why stop the dam of bad and good?

Why wonder; when it is as it should.

Speak out loud those joys and sorrows!

Let go of the whys of tomorrow.

Open your soul to accept and love,

All healing and more from above.

Breathe in the light, exhale the dark!

Extinguish the bad, but light a spark!

Smile at the knowledge of what could be,

Create the life so that others can see.

Bright as the sun, loud as thunder,

Full of excitement; let them all wonder!

Share a secret, whisper it now..

Allowing it to flow somewhere, somehow.

Creating the world as you need it to be

Leaving a footprint for all to see.