From this to Ahhhh



From This to

 Do we have to know the origin of pain to confront it?  Fix it?  Deal with it?    Do we have to get to causes and effect to heal?  Ok, my experience and mine alone.  Yes to a certain degree.  If we don't know why we reacted the way we did (or do), why what someone says brings up old garbage that should have been discarded years ago then do we (or I did).  So, with that settled without going into vast detail, we begin to heal.  Move on if you will.  Then the true work begins.  Stop replaying old tapes that lead to nowhere.  You know the ones:  your no good; if they really knew you; your stupid;  I mean your tapes may differ from mine but you catch the drift, right?  So, here is what happens today.  So I'm at work and the coworkers are chatting it up until I walk in.  WHAT?  Well they must be talking about me.  Really that is how I felt sometime ago.  But today after that fearless searching out my root causes, I can honestly say, "uh no I'm not that important or if they are then have fun".  I no longer have to be the center of everyones universe.  Or this; nice guy asks this nice girl out.  She thinks the date went well.   He never calls again.  Ah!  What did I do?  What's wrong with me?  Am I damaged goods?  Ok, today I can say well that was a fun night.  I must not be his type and let it go.  (ok that is on a good day).  So how did I get from total self centeredness to a somewhat clear head?  12 steps.  The clean up has taken awhile and continues today.  If I get off that invisible beam I probably get uncomfortable faster than I used to.  Which steers me back to a few simple truths.  A) I am who I am meant to be, today.  B) God knew what he was getting when I was begging for relief from that old life  C) Being kind to myself and others is at the top of my list  D) Do no harm. 

I was taught a few years ago that if/when I begin to "feel" apart from then back the ball of yarn up and see where I went off track.  See what is driving the 'feeling" and you know it's all about how you/I feel.
I've had follks speak up after years of sober living and say things like, "I don't care what people think of me" and the most disgusting one of all, "what you think of me is non of my business"  Well for me the first one is not true at all.  I do care.  I work hard to be who I am and I may not jump up and down for your attention but I sure do hope that I don't cause you grief.  Here is the deal.  It's true what your thinking is not for me to be concerned about.  It's like we think that we can change someone's thinking, their perspective.  After all isn't that how I lived for uh,,,,, well too many years.  Perhaps during those years of living in the darkness (as I have come to refer to it) I needed them/you to not see me as I was.  But leading up to that I felt that way too.  so I've come full circle I guess you can say.  Full circle in that I am growing beyond that fear.  But that circle will never end.  I will always have room to grow.  Today I embrace that (most days).  After all if you were picked off of a hard wooden floor in a house that was over 100 years old, dusted off, cleaned up and set on a course that was better than you could have ever imagined......... wouldn't you relish today as well?



To This.....  Ahhhh

 Life will always be life.  Good, bad, sad, happy you name it.  So live it.  Trust in that power to take you where you/I were meant to be.  Breath in.  Savor the moment.  It's so good to be able to say that.

jJ