Helping Hands

A sad day in Who Ville.  Lives take turns, sharp ones at times.  Our "job" if you will, is to find the strength necessary to walk through those turns.  However, like many people I know, I want to try to 'go around' pain.  Act like it doesn't matter, pretend it isn't there.  However, sometimes it comes out a intense anger which simply masks the underlying issue:  FEAR! 
I have someone in my life that is going through this.  I talked with them and can be there but unfortunately I nor anyone else can take away their pain or walk the walk they inevitably must walk.  To say this statement, "it sucks" while sounding childlike, is the truth.  Avoidance at all cost simply puts off the one thing we wished we could steer clear of anyway.  The truth.  Life on Life's terms, not ours.  How many times did I try to force what I wanted, what I thought was best for me and for you.  Ha!  Life stared right back at me, as I'm sure it is for him this morning, and says - uh uh uh.  I'm not going anywhere.  You will have to deal with this. 
It's the stages of grief, to the realization that our choices brought us to this point.  And plainly speaking sometimes it just doesn't work out.  People change, people leave, people have their own agenda as we do.  When we are no longer on the same page, if you will, that drifting becomes more evident in the actions they show.  Or the emotionless attachment they don't show.  We can choose to do lots of escaping........ But in the end............ life wins. 

This is the beginning of his journey..... I pray to that huge, wonderful power that can and will save our souls.  In the meantime I hope he does not mourn himself to death.

One P.S. to note:  I am sober and here to help, HELP this wonderful spirit of a person come to terms with what lies ahead.

Sober and Not Afraid to face life.......  How about you?

From this to Ahhhh



From This to

 Do we have to know the origin of pain to confront it?  Fix it?  Deal with it?    Do we have to get to causes and effect to heal?  Ok, my experience and mine alone.  Yes to a certain degree.  If we don't know why we reacted the way we did (or do), why what someone says brings up old garbage that should have been discarded years ago then do we (or I did).  So, with that settled without going into vast detail, we begin to heal.  Move on if you will.  Then the true work begins.  Stop replaying old tapes that lead to nowhere.  You know the ones:  your no good; if they really knew you; your stupid;  I mean your tapes may differ from mine but you catch the drift, right?  So, here is what happens today.  So I'm at work and the coworkers are chatting it up until I walk in.  WHAT?  Well they must be talking about me.  Really that is how I felt sometime ago.  But today after that fearless searching out my root causes, I can honestly say, "uh no I'm not that important or if they are then have fun".  I no longer have to be the center of everyones universe.  Or this; nice guy asks this nice girl out.  She thinks the date went well.   He never calls again.  Ah!  What did I do?  What's wrong with me?  Am I damaged goods?  Ok, today I can say well that was a fun night.  I must not be his type and let it go.  (ok that is on a good day).  So how did I get from total self centeredness to a somewhat clear head?  12 steps.  The clean up has taken awhile and continues today.  If I get off that invisible beam I probably get uncomfortable faster than I used to.  Which steers me back to a few simple truths.  A) I am who I am meant to be, today.  B) God knew what he was getting when I was begging for relief from that old life  C) Being kind to myself and others is at the top of my list  D) Do no harm. 

I was taught a few years ago that if/when I begin to "feel" apart from then back the ball of yarn up and see where I went off track.  See what is driving the 'feeling" and you know it's all about how you/I feel.
I've had follks speak up after years of sober living and say things like, "I don't care what people think of me" and the most disgusting one of all, "what you think of me is non of my business"  Well for me the first one is not true at all.  I do care.  I work hard to be who I am and I may not jump up and down for your attention but I sure do hope that I don't cause you grief.  Here is the deal.  It's true what your thinking is not for me to be concerned about.  It's like we think that we can change someone's thinking, their perspective.  After all isn't that how I lived for uh,,,,, well too many years.  Perhaps during those years of living in the darkness (as I have come to refer to it) I needed them/you to not see me as I was.  But leading up to that I felt that way too.  so I've come full circle I guess you can say.  Full circle in that I am growing beyond that fear.  But that circle will never end.  I will always have room to grow.  Today I embrace that (most days).  After all if you were picked off of a hard wooden floor in a house that was over 100 years old, dusted off, cleaned up and set on a course that was better than you could have ever imagined......... wouldn't you relish today as well?



To This.....  Ahhhh

 Life will always be life.  Good, bad, sad, happy you name it.  So live it.  Trust in that power to take you where you/I were meant to be.  Breath in.  Savor the moment.  It's so good to be able to say that.

jJ

Personal Honesty

Being "cash register" honesty is easy.  I would not take anything that did not belong to me.  But this is about being 'honest' w/ myself.  Ok, I can 'fool' the masses by just saying, "I'm fine" or whatever.  When inside there could be a fire raging.  A storm stealing my own thunder.  I am discovering that I have well hid from you and me what I'm really feeling.  Ok, try this on; why would it matter if I told someone the truth about how I feel if, inside, those words are a lie.  Here is that inner conflict AGAIN.
I almost feel compelled to keep all that in.  Whatever "that" is.
So, what does personal honesty mean to me?  Or rather what do I need it to BE for me?  Well to begin with relationships I will sacrifice how I feel or what I need to keep the other person happy.  All to my detriment.  Push my feelings aside or down.  Pretend they don't exist.  Well we all know what happens to a bottle of coke that gets shook up.   Eventually it comes to the surface.  Sometimes in the most inopertune time or with the wrong people, i.e. I may blow up at a cashier instead of recognizing hurt, anger or fear that has been brought on by life.  And that, my friend, has happened.
So how do I begin?  And more importantly where will this take me?  I have a friend that tells me all the time that I'm a deep thinker.  It drives him nuts as he is a take it as it is meant kinda guy.  I am always trying to find a hidden meaning or agenda. 
I begin with small things.  Take for instance if someone is treating me poorly, walk away.  Don't stay for the entire show.  We treat people how to treat us.  And now, I know that all too well.
Have you heard the saying, people come into our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime.  In discovering and practicing being honest with me, I have had to leave some relationships.  I have left friends behind too.  Funny thing is they normally don't even realize it.  And I certainly don't broadcast, "hey your not welcome here anymore"!
Life is way too short for excess baggage.  So I have left some of it at the train station.  SOME being the oprative word.  Ok, I'm a work in progress and perhaps that journey will not end till the sun sets on my life.

So being 'happy' sometimes means I may have to be 'unhappy' or 'uncomfortable' in letting things or people go.
Can you relate?

Here in the south we are still trying to dampen our corn crops that are so parched.  Heat rises as the humidity does too.  However, we are not mourning the deaths of loved ones that went to a movie premier and never came home.  Or those that made it out of this senseless shooting rampage within seconds of loosing their own lives.  My prayers and thoughts are with them today.

Cherish life as it is a gift.  Why do you think they call it "the present"

:)  Jj

Circle of Life

Circle, Full as it can be.

If what goes around, comes around then today, I'm good.
I want to share (and JAW hope you don't mind) that I have a very distended family.  Aunts and Uncles I haven't seen in years.  Well one aunt and one uncle.  Growning up they were my VERY favority adults (outside of my grandparents) in the world.  They seemed kind, loving and even interested in kids.  At least that is what it seemed.  If it were otherwise, please don't tell me.  Some memories are worth keeping.  Our families had Thanksgiving together in their big house.  They had money (i guess) we did not.  I'll never forget my aunt came to our scary run down house and found that my bed was kept off the floor by a cynder block.  She said little but after that my bed got fixed.  Hmmm.  These people were torn out of our lives by a tragic event.  in April of 1968 our house burned down.   My poor mother.  Can you imagine?  Everything she owned was gone.  We were packed up (all our belongings fit in the smallest uhaul you could rent) and moved to Alabama.  That was a lifetime ago.  Oh sure, memories can go either way, right?  These will always be enblazened in my mind.  What will happen to us?
Well fast forward to uh maybe last year sometime.  Somehow we connected to that family on FB or email or something.  It was awesome.  You see in that family there was the same amount of kids, same amount of sexes (3 girls 1 boy).  And all the ages matched.  It was really neat.  What I want to write about is not the loss (ok that is sad in an of itself) but the found.  And I don't ever want to lose it.  If I could jump on a plane I would.  However, what I see when I think of all of them are the 8, 10, 12, 14 year olds.  We have all grown up, had families of our own.  Jobs, losses, spouses, divorces you name it.
And here we are...........44 years later.  Oh my gosh.  That makes me 53 and I have changed so much.  Would they recognize me or any of my siblings?  Do they really ever think of us?  I know I think of all of them often.  I wish them all the love and happiness this life has to offer. 

Will they take it?  I hope so.  JAW you are my connection.  I love you from afar....... And all the rest of your family too.

Jj

Freedom

I sit at my desk this afternoon and listen to the pounding of the thunder and the wash of the rain.  Much needed might I add.   I thought of this analogy.  My life (yours too?) has been washed too.  I mean of all the yuck that once encompassed it.  It takes someone elses misery for me to stop and remember how horrible living in that hell was.
That was then............... 
I have choices today.  I pay my bills today.  I live in a fairly nice apartment (for now).  I have  a job that pays better than any job I've ever had.  A career that I never picked but got put in front of me.  Respect.  I have respect of my peers, my family.  I don't demand it but I sure as heck walk away from you if you don't respect me as a person.  I just paid for a car that I got right after getting sober in 2006.  It's mine, all mine.  I have nevr been responsible for anything in my life.  Never wanted to.  I had 'him' to do that.  And 'him' turned into "them" 3x's over.  I suppose the first 2 were just training ground, but shshshshs don't tell them.
I married the first guy I met that would buy me liquer at 17.  Can you imagine?  He never even questioned it.  Hmmm.  We stayed together 5 years.  But in those years I had 2 great kids.  That is the only good thing that came of that union.  "him" #2 was a good looking cowboy I met in a bar (do you see the pattern here?)
I fell for him so quick.  I have since learned that all I really did was jumped into a relationship that would steer me away from ME.  That "him" ended after a brief 2 years. Thank GOD!
Him # 3 was it.  I have blogged about him many times.  But honestly I would melt every time I was near him.  That never stopped in the 14 years we were together. 
Unfortunately time goes on and people don't always stay.  We change and sometimes that doesn't mean for the good.  And down my spiral went.  Again, Thank God I found a way out.
I don't even think of drinking most weeks.  Unless something truly stressful happens and then it crosses my mind but never to the extent that I take that first drink.  I know where that leads and it ain't pretty!
Breathing Lessons............  That's what all this is about.  Learning to take that precious breath (inhale) we need, and not allow life to knock me around (exhale) ahhh.

Keep on trying...........

What if YOU didn't believe in GOD?  That is the question.  An old sponsee called today.  The ravages of this disease were tormenting her.  She has bounced in and out, in and out.  Well, today she was going on and on......... I can't stay sober.  I don't know why.  She is currently sporting a broken hand, swollen foot, was raped turning tricks for $$ to get high, living in a crack house w/ several others AND her child.  Got fired from her job (really).  I mean it's a mess.  Well yeah.   That is what happens in our addiction.  It's bad.  Well I listened to her excuses, her blaming, her tales of woe.  I prayed, God please help me to be kind.  Help me to give her a solution.  Well nothing came.  Finally I said, "what is it you called me for?"  that i know how to stay sober but what exactly did she want from me?!  I figured it was cash.  But after beating around the bush I got tired and said, Hey, do yourself and your kid a favor.  Get sober or you WILL die.  It's simple.   But the hardest thing I have ever done (well except, you know,  the d-i-v-o-r-c-e.
Well she said how can I get sober when I do not believe there is a God?  I wanted to throw up.  Hmm if our program is designed to bring you into a relationship w/ Him then get busy working the steps.  Finally, after 15 or 20 minutes, I told her to get to a meeting.  Then I hung up.
She feels like hell, I'm sure she looks like it too.  All before she is 30.  Tragic!
So, I began my journey with little understanding  or belief that He would help me.  Slowly I tested the water.  Slowly I began to make a daily stop over to talk to Him, read things that will help.  Pray even when I "felt" it was doing no good.  Stay the course even when I felt distracted, distraught and disalusioned.  What's the saying, When your in Hell keep walking.  The wise ole owl told me that years ago and I use it to this day.  Listen sober living is worth it.  Otherwise we wouldn't stay.  Getting sober sucks.  And relapse after relapse and it gets harder to get sober.  I know. 
So please, no matter your age, your circumstances  IF you want to get sober.................... get to a meeting everyday.  More if necessary.  Get a sponsor, read and I mean READ the big book.  work the steps.  And the most important  DON'T DRINK.  No matter what.

Self Discovery (more)

I suppose this never ends.  After 5 years of sober living I found that I was getting increasingly depressed.  Just could not put my finger on "it".  I Started seeking professional help.  She pegged me right away.  It's called ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics.  Wow. 
I had bounced in and out of Alanon gripping the whole time.  I hated it and could not see the benefit.  Besides, don't we have a program of self discovery?  So, here I am, again.  ACOA.  I had heard about it some years ago.  But frankly, I did not want to associate who I am today with how I was raised.  What could that have to do w/ my personality, my ability to handle things like relationships.  Personal and work related.  HUH?
It is being addressed a small parts that I am not to blame (up to this point) of the choices  & mistakes made with life.  Relationships.  Marriage(s). 
I had not been shown healthy relationships.  I "learned" how to react instead of how to cope.  Survival skills.  Nothing more.
How sad is that?  AND another discovery long after the age of 50.  Waaah I want my mama.  No wait that is how this thing started.  And not a blame game.  A path that will teach me new coping skills.  So this should certainly open new wounds.  But I am ready for more.  More healing.  Perhaps showing me and certainly teaching me why and how I have forged to this point.
I will continue to blog my successes and discoveries.  I do this for me and hopefully if you have found this blog perhaps you too will find peace in your life.

Who will save your soul

Had a shock yesterday.  The man child met me at church with a bag of clothes.  When prompted he replied, I'm getting baptized today.  I almost fell out.  this child/adult has been through more crap in the past 5 years but really the last 2 to last a lifetime for him and the family.  Whatching him give his heart and life to God made me swell with pride.  He is so handsome.  I'd love to post a pic but I do not put family on here.

It's been a wonderful 4th of July.  Lots of family, lots of time off, lots of food, I could go on.  And do not forget all done sober.  And I picked up my 1 year medallion.  Please remember that it was 1 year ago that I had that damn knee surgery and ended up getting nuts with pain meds.  It was the honest thing to do in picking that chip up.  But, picking up that 1 year again (lets see I believe I have 4 now) was really humbling to this gal.  I started choking up and tearing up as I accepted it.  My current sponsor and my former sponsor were both there.  It felt safe having them close.

Life goes on, I just want to make sure I'm living and loving all I can. 

Therapy session this Wed.  Whew!  Began reading a book about Adult Children of Alcoholics.  Holy you know what, it's me.  Lets pray for some healing and some new coping skills that AA just couldn't give me.

So, the hot summer marches on.  It's almost the middle of July and I get sad when it gets closer to the end.  I love the summer.  Lots of swimming.  Camping soon.  Maybe jet ski rentals too.  I love it all. 

I won't look ahead to far and I won't glare at my past.  I am alive today because my God (and yours) picked me off that floor 5 years ago.  Wow.  What a miracle.

Sad face into HAPPY!

Disappointment.  Resentment.  Expectations.  What?  Expectations.  They tell us not to have them.  Really?  When someone tells me they are going to do something, I "expect" them to follow through, right?  Is that unreasonable?  Probably not.  It's what I do when or if they don't that is the issue.  This morning.  The man friend and I were going to have a quiet night together.  No work tomorrow so it meant I could relax and truly enjoy the night.  Well I pack this morning and leave for work.  I call on my way and he informs me that he has to take a raincheck.  Really?  Is that how you refer to "change of plans"?  What I learned in the time that followed is a) I react quicker than I can think.  b) anger oozes quickly.  I had time to breath and think.  I contacted him and apologized for the way I responded (no need to post that).  I realized the truth was I was disappointed.  So, that being said I did take a deep breath and walked into work ok.  When a disappointment or rejection or (fill in the blank) leads to a resentment .......... then I have  a problem.  I can shut down really quick.  Protection mode.  How silly.  Protection from him?  No . it's not that simple.  Protection for me from me so that I'm not hounded by feelings of "see, your not good enought", or "I told you he would do this to you".  I could go on and on. 
It's ok.  I made the "amends" to him.  I am going to have a good day.  Even though I found a $120.00 mistake in my checkbook.  Talk about ouch.  Now I hope I don't panic till payday.
Economic insecurity.  I still have it.  I manage my $$ pretty well these days which is huge compared to where I was even a year ago.  I got sick of worrying right after payday.  I mean I pay my bills and live on what I have left.  Sounds easy and it is most weeks.  But a mistake that big is gonna cost me some peace. 
On another note my 6 year old car is finally paid off.  JOY!! JOY!! JOY!!.  I am so thrilled I want to do the happy dance.  I will be able to pay off a few more things even quicker with that extra money.  That makes me happy.  I should be debt free by December or there about.  With the exception of household expenses. 
Wow. 

I made another change to my renewal of my lease.  I have to make up my mind by the end of this month.  I want to renew so I can a) pay off the rest of those lingering bills and b) save enough to pay necessary costs associated w/ moving.  I should know I have moved 4 times in 7 years.  My desire was to buy a house soon.  Well that may not happen soon but staying in an apartment can.  I may renew for 7 months (they allow that without the additonal month to month expense).  That way I can look a little while saving the necessary amount to do what I need too.  THAT excites me.

How will you "spend" your day?  Filled with worry or remorse?  Making bad decisions?  I have lived that way and I will tell you this; the joy I get today as I am responsible for ME makes me happy. 

Sober living, thinking, acting.  I love it!   The sad face has turned happy!