When will I learn

Ok, let me preface this (albeit humorously) that I am a self driven, motivated woman.  With most areas of my life.  Ok, the ones that either make me happy or the ones that cause me pain.  That netherland inbetween is usually left alone.  So, I am always on guard of my weight.  I was skinny as a rail as a child but as my late teenage years came to a close i was overweight.  And I continued to either ramp up how to combat that (yes, usually there were drugs involved) or blissfully filling the
void with more carbs.  With me still?
So about the time my birthday was saying "your how old?" i got serious and pulled off a 50 lbs weight loss along with lots of gym time.  I was blissfully happy at that accomplishment.  And I swore that would never happen again.
Well it did.  Within 3 years or so I was back up those and then some.  Add another 4 or 5 and I was heavy!  I decided to take the gastric bypass route. 
Today 7 years later I have held off all the weight and now I am in love with working out...  I may have a few pounds I could lose but honestly that excess skin is already and issue so  enough is enough.
so back to the gym.  I work out 3 sometimes 4 days a week.  cardio and weight lifting.  YU-MY.

So all is well and then these crazy body parts started acting up.  Knees !  and we NEED our KNEES.
I won't go into detail but after surgery 2 years ago and ignoring the doctor telling me i would not run again,  i found that i could and i did.  never more than 3 miles at a time and at that i would have to break for a minute here and there.   And they last Oct i hit (figurativly) a stopping point.  Pain in the right knee was too much to ignore.  back to the doc and some meds and off i go.  ok, enough.  I am in a world of hurt.  my right one gave out about a week ago and the left aches like it is on fire. 

Steroid shot yesterday and a brace.  of which i will post.  I am a 54 year old grandmother of 4 when am i going to act like it.

Jj

Now you see it, now you don't

I have decided that the blogs I have posted about the childhood rhetoric I was in, was to let the air out of the balloon.  I am tired of looking around the corner for the ‘monster’ under the bed to pop out, because that is what this feels like.  You never know when a memory will start the avalanche.

I do want to clarify that she got sober and never drank again.  So by me only including the bad is not a complete picture.  He never did.

So, the really painful stuff helped mold who I am.  How I chose to see it is up to me.  So, yes, it wasn’t a good life and where do I make peace with that?  How do I deal with and let go of?

Don’t know.  But I do know that hiding from anything and trying to ‘go around’ the pain may work for a minute but that doesn’t last. 

I am closing this blog  post.  No evidence of being positive or helpful. 

Run, Run, Run

See, I told you this would probably be piece meal as too much at once will push me into a tailspin.

I want to clarify something; it wasn’t just “her”.  The HE in our lives (if you can call it that) just walked out one day and if ‘she’ hadn’t forced his hand he probably would have disappeared for good.

So, not to bash but the secrets I kept involved him too.  I never told anyone they were divorced – until forced too.  In the late 60’s I just don’t think the big ‘D” word was spoken.  At least that was my perception.  He too had a drinking problem, but that part of our lives was good and bad.

Since this is about LIE’s and other bs we tell ourselves, I will try to keep it at that.  This isn’t all about them, this is, I suppose, a small way to let the darkness out and light in.

I struggle with the truth.  The truth about growing up.  Because for some reason I believe the “lie” has become the ‘truth’.  How scary is that. 

I hid the embarrassment of her behavior from all that I could.  The night the disgusting idiot that was to later become her husband for a few years, got drunk (ok, they both were) and in a drunken stupor, she kicked him out.  He lay on the hood of his car crying out, “please let me in”  PLEASE!  My poor brother was so young and probably attention starved for a true male figure in his life opened his bedroom window and let him in.   She was furious!  I was scared.  I was always scared.  I came home from school one day and walked in to her bleeding profusely from her nose.  Her eye was swelled up almost shut.  It was horrible.  I did not know what to do so I did what I did best; I shut down.  This is that big of a deal.  Oh come on,  she will be ok…………… won’t she?

She was drunk one afternoon and drove to my dad’s house like that.  When we got there D (oldest sibling) got her keys and wouldn’t let her drive home.  Oh my gosh!  She went ballistic.   A fight ensued, as it always would and I can’t remember the outcome.  I think D drove us home……. Think being the operative word.  Another memory lost and probably for good.

Fights in the middle of the night, seeing her stumble around, eyes glazed over………………… How pushed down this was but how scary it is to know it is there.

When I was 10 or 11 I was molested by the maintenance worker where we lived.  Here is how my “lies” manifested themselves.  When I walked back into the apartment all I could say was, “I hate that man”.  Not scream and holler what a bad thing had happened.  Upon recalling that I am certain my entire world was shut down and this was just one more thing to sweep under the rug.  Another adult had ripped more of my security away from me.  And I thought it was my fault. 

See, of recalling and writing as this comes up, perhaps I can begin to let those walls down.

I am going to a church thing this weekend.  A spiritual weekend.  And you know what I am afraid of?  “as it is all about me”, are they going to try to break my walls?  Cause that just isn’t going to happen. 

Lie # 5;  I have walls? 

The BIG Lie

The big lie

 

I have spent my whole life hiding a secret.  A secret all of us knew (family) but I hid behind a wall of shame.  The wall began so early that I wasn’t even aware that it was there.  I knew we (our family) was not like other families I had seen.  No, most of them had 2 parents living in the same house.  And I suspected they had something we didn’t.  Security. 

This may become painful to write and convoluted if I allow it, so it may come piecemeal. 

The reason this is even being put on paper (now) is something that happened at work, today. 

You see being raised in an alcoholic home really does create many, many lies.  What began as “shshshshsh” don’t tell the neighbors somehow transferred into “she is sick” to full blown anger and fear of ‘what if someone finds out’.  I have spent YEARS saying to siblings that she didn’t mean to hurt us, just to hear it myself.  But deep inside I harbored a fear that just kept rising up and I kept pushing down. 

What I believed as a 10year old followed by many years after that was a total lie.  I become angry sitting here pulling this up again.  Dinners burned beyond eatable.  Milk to drink if we were lucky.  No breakfasts, no snacks, hell, no one home at night.  As a kid I just thought everyone lived like that.  Now I know they don’t.  She was always mad, always angry  if she wasn’t drunk.  Seeing her sway down the hall so out of it that all I could do was pretend that wasn’t true.  Ice clinking in a glass at 2am, knowing that is a refill, probably to get her till dawn.  To this day I shudder if I hear that sound. 

A woman told me a few years ago that I was covered in shame.  I, of course, stood proudly in denial.  Why would something that happened years ago, something I had no control over… leave me shameful?

Hmmm.  Lie # 1……

I continued to defend her after all what difference could it make?  She has been gone for many years.  But it does.  I am seeing a little clearer now.  A part of me never will be ok.  The sins of our “mothers” lives long after they do.

And  I followed in her footsteps.  Alcoholic through and through.  I sought solice in the group that got her sober.  I fought sobriety for years till it kicked me into submission.  I would live a miserable life and die a lonely drunk if things didn’t change. 

So, she got sober in 1976, the year I graduated from H.S.  I tried to forget all those years of twisted living.  I thought I had.  Lie # 2.

Like I said, piecemeal.  This wears me out.  Again, stuff what is uncomfortable.  Lie #3.

This began as a piece to the shuttled puzzle and got sent way back in time.  The reason I began, today, was because in my work place I heard myself saying “OUTLOUD”  I was raised in an alcoholic home.  Whoa!  And the sky didn’t fall.

Hurry up and get well............. NOW!

Day 11.

I got really sick last weekend.  I mean awful.  After a trip to the ER + meds; a few days in bed (literally) and then a follow-up with my doc including a shot and different meds  AND by last Fri a 3rd series of meds culminating in Sat spent at home resting......  I am still fighting off this cough and all that stuff that comes with it. 

This morning I could literally crawl back in bed.  I do not know why but when I am this sick I tend to push too hard to be better.  Feel better.  You know if 2 pills work then double it.  If rest helps then sleep all day.  But when you are half better then by golly your not pushing hard enough!

Given permission to relax and take it easy just isn't in my makeup.  However, feeling bad after this long is wearing me out.  I have tried to do the gym thing but i end up coughing and feeling worse. 

So, today I will trudge.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day I will be able to say   Hurrah I AM better.

How I view today............. Sunny or Rainy..........

The news this week of the 3 woman and 1 child held captive for 10 years just breaks my heart.  Crushes the idea that people can not be that cruel.  And the question that will never really be given is how?

I don't know.  I can't read anymore of the headlines without getting sick-er.

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On the homefront the new digs are awesome!  I just can't write enough of how just adding additional space has made me feel so free.  Additional footage coupled with a nice neighborhood, and lots of windows for natural light.  A cute front yard......  I know, I know.  Enough already.

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When I began this blog I originally thought my daily or weekly entries would all be housed around awareness, growth, individual truth(s)......

But how many times can i say... hey look how this turned out or hey this is so much better than.....

I am not ungrateful.  Oh contrare'.  If anything I may be more inclined to pose the question, 'do I deserve all this?'   In trying to learn to change my negative outlook and thinking around to a positive spin on things, it is a constant fight to keep it that way.  Oh how I love to tell you all the 'ins and outs' of my life starting with the bad.  It is so deeply engrained in me that somedays I just think.... you will never really and fully change.

Ok, so lets assume the latter.  So, I don't.  Well how does that play out in my daily life?  Something like this:
work sucks
home sucks
house sucks
kids suck
no relationship (sucks)
relationship  sucks
money/no money sucks

get my drift?  I mean honestly there is no one anywhere (well except the 3 woman and 1 child) that can honestly say their entire day has not one iota of positive.  LOOK CLOSE!  This includes me.

So, last night I am with my GOD (group of drunks, albeit sober ones) and a man with 20 years sober says my name is ....... and my last drink was an hour ago.  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
How does that happen?  Ok, you have my attention.  Without any forthought on his part (that is his story) he picks up a bottle of almost finished wine his friend had left and politely sipped the rest.  Just like that!

Ok, Ok   I'm on my toes.  Meetings!  BB reading!  Working with other suffering souls!  Damn it! 
In the mean time one of my young woman(ees) texts me yesterday.  Seems she is closing off her world once again.  Time will bring the drink back to her IF she doesn't get her head out of her A*@ which is what I told her. 

Which leaves me one last thought:  At that same meeting last night which is full of long term sobriety, the conversation prior to starting was about how years ago newcomers were "taught" about AA.  They were made keenly aware that sharing in meetings was futile, they were only spreading disease.  Tough as nails but necessary.  In just 25 years I have seen this change too.  We are too afraid of hurting the suffering alcoholic (imagine that) and that they may drink again.  Oh come on!  Really?  There is nothing I can say or do to a fellow sufferer that will get him drunk or keep him sober.  uh uh.  Not my job or responsibility.  That is somehow getting really deluted these days. 

Now.......... my sobriety date of 7/7/11 will bring me to another 2 years milestone in a few months.  I will not celebrate another bday until I pass 4.  That was the # of years I had before the 'summer of suffering' I endured.  Complete with a blunder on pain meds.  I keep it simple and honest.  But damn it I want my 6 year chip I could have been picking up next year.!

Call me a whammm bulance.  I'm whinning!

Good weekend to all

Jj

Break the generational di-ease

Break the generational di-ease!

I have written here many, many times about my man-child.  Mr. M.  He came into the program a little over a year ago and today he picks up his 1 year medallion.  Not just picks up but has asked me to give it to him.  In our circle that is a) huge milestone and b) an honor to give.  I hope I can do it without blubbering.

I am so loving my dew digs.  I walk in and just smile.  I am realizing each day how much I felt that all the places I have occupied since 2005 have not once seemed like home.  Maybe not my home, but my home all the same.  Until now.  Is it the roominess of it all?  The space enough to allow myself and Mr. M room for quiet?  Uh………… I am so fortunate. 

Oh gosh I hate to repeat anything here.  But sometimes I forget what I have written about.  Since getting sober and truly asking God for help I see that all my needs have been met.  That each move has given me something I needed at that time.  The biggest proof was the apartment I occupied for most of my divorced life.  See, I love trees.  Being around the cool of the shade in the hot summer, listening to the rustle of leaves as they gently glide to the ground in fall, the birds, the squirrels,  you got the picture, right?  Well I had all of that, there.  Yet moving there was pretty tough to accept back then.  Oh and lets not forget the pool, which is one of the biggest draws for me.

Now, living in this new space albeit without the trees or a pool, I am completely happy.  So, I guess this go around was for space…… Including a garage.  I promise you that in all the “married” years I had houses, garages and even pools.  But something was missing.  Oh yeah  ME.  I was lost in ‘why, why me’.  Misery became my closest companion.

Still can be, but right here, right now…………  it’s good. 

And tonight I will stand next to my man child and beam with such pride.  Pride in the program, pride in him staying around.  And pride in knowing that God could and would if he were sought!

Remember when we thought ‘proof’ was only a measurement?