The news this week of the 3 woman and 1 child held captive for 10 years just breaks my heart. Crushes the idea that people can not be that cruel. And the question that will never really be given is how?
I don't know. I can't read anymore of the headlines without getting sick-er.
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On the homefront the new digs are awesome! I just can't write enough of how just adding additional space has made me feel so free. Additional footage coupled with a nice neighborhood, and lots of windows for natural light. A cute front yard...... I know, I know. Enough already.
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When I began this blog I originally thought my daily or weekly entries would all be housed around awareness, growth, individual truth(s)......
But how many times can i say... hey look how this turned out or hey this is so much better than.....
I am not ungrateful. Oh contrare'. If anything I may be more inclined to pose the question, 'do I deserve all this?' In trying to learn to change my negative outlook and thinking around to a positive spin on things, it is a constant fight to keep it that way. Oh how I love to tell you all the 'ins and outs' of my life starting with the bad. It is so deeply engrained in me that somedays I just think.... you will never really and fully change.
Ok, so lets assume the latter. So, I don't. Well how does that play out in my daily life? Something like this:
work sucks
home sucks
house sucks
kids suck
no relationship (sucks)
relationship sucks
money/no money sucks
get my drift? I mean honestly there is no one anywhere (well except the 3 woman and 1 child) that can honestly say their entire day has not one iota of positive. LOOK CLOSE! This includes me.
So, last night I am with my GOD (group of drunks, albeit sober ones) and a man with 20 years sober says my name is ....... and my last drink was an hour ago. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
How does that happen? Ok, you have my attention. Without any forthought on his part (that is his story) he picks up a bottle of almost finished wine his friend had left and politely sipped the rest. Just like that!
Ok, Ok I'm on my toes. Meetings! BB reading! Working with other suffering souls! Damn it!
In the mean time one of my young woman(ees) texts me yesterday. Seems she is closing off her world once again. Time will bring the drink back to her IF she doesn't get her head out of her A*@ which is what I told her.
Which leaves me one last thought: At that same meeting last night which is full of long term sobriety, the conversation prior to starting was about how years ago newcomers were "taught" about AA. They were made keenly aware that sharing in meetings was futile, they were only spreading disease. Tough as nails but necessary. In just 25 years I have seen this change too. We are too afraid of hurting the suffering alcoholic (imagine that) and that they may drink again. Oh come on! Really? There is nothing I can say or do to a fellow sufferer that will get him drunk or keep him sober. uh uh. Not my job or responsibility. That is somehow getting really deluted these days.
Now.......... my sobriety date of 7/7/11 will bring me to another 2 years milestone in a few months. I will not celebrate another bday until I pass 4. That was the # of years I had before the 'summer of suffering' I endured. Complete with a blunder on pain meds. I keep it simple and honest. But damn it I want my 6 year chip I could have been picking up next year.!
Call me a whammm bulance. I'm whinning!
Good weekend to all
Jj
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