When to tell it all

I recently went through (if you read this you know) a really tough time.  During that time I tried to keep up w/ my sponsee's to the best of my ability.  I felt like what I was going through was not to be discussed w/ them.  You know, they come to me (or us) for direction, help, etc.  Not to hear me whine.  Well a friend in the program with almost 30 years sober, told me that is wrong.  We are human and fallible.  We get sick, some of us drink again.  And I had no business not being honest w/ them.  I realized what she said made sense.  Why would I want anyone to think I'm "fine".  If I'm not. 
So, through this all I have lost a sponsee but my other 2 stayed.  They are so precious to me.  More friendships have come of this whole "will you help me" mode than anything. 
I still have 2 weeks till I can chair meetings again.  Going by our strict code of 90 days sober (yes, the old white chip for a few pain pills still haunts me).  I will feel a part of once again.
Staying sober is not a chore, it's a gift. 
Thank you God for keeping me sober (yes KEEPING me).  I co-operate and look what happens.   Amazing!

It's getting better.... in spite of what I think

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my dental work.  Well 3 from when it began but 2 since the majority of it was done.  And I am so happy to say that the pain is diminishing.  No need for anything stronger than Motrin.  I am able to eat a little more.  I actually got up at 4am to get to the gym.  I haven't been in weeks and boy did it feel wonderful.  For me, I need that physical part of my life.  It gives me a great lift both physically and mentally. 
I went to my normal meeting last night.  It wasn't as packed as normal but it was a good meeting all the same.  We did have a fella come in and cry something we couldn't understand.  He went on and on and really made little sense.  They finally cut him off and he seemed agravated.  My gratitude was so much so just not to be where he was at that moment.  Early sobriety sucks. 
I know I have a God that gives me power to get through any situation.  Taping into it is another story. 
But staying sober is the most important thing in my life, everything else comes second to that.

Trudging...

Oh, I'm trudging alright.  Since having all the dental work done I have lost 14lbs.  I can't eat anything of substance.  Lots of soups though.  Oatmeal and meal replacement drinks.  I feel my iron is really low so I'm ramping up my vitamin intake too.  This will pass I just wish that would come soon.  I feel really detached from life right now.
But, when I think of life before sobriety, I know that where I am today is so much better.  Pain, no love life, children acting up, I mean I could go on, but you get the point.  In spite of... I am in a better place.
Thank you God!

A turn in the right direction

Does not always "feel" good right away.  I have come through the hardest summer of my sober life and now all I want to do is move on.  Pain does incredible stuff to us.  After 4 years I had to pickup a white chip after having knee surgery and failing miserably w/ the meds.  Well right after that (and I mean RIGHT) afterwards, my teeth began acting horrible.  I have blogged about it so rehashing it would be dumb.  Anyway, finally after some weeks they completed all the extractions last Thursday.  I could not return to work until today.  I have lost about 12 pds and counting.  And all I can do is pray for the healing to come quickly.  Knowing my history with pain meds made this really hard.  I refused to do this without any help.  And I shouldn't.  I became accountable to sponsor and a sponsee.  I counted those damn pills daily.  I guess normal folks don't have to do that.  It has been 4 days and I still want to scream w/ the mouth sores.  But you know I have learned more about myself in the past weeks than in the past year.  I had stopped listening in meetings.  I knew it all and what I didn't know you couldn't teach me cause I trusted no one.  I took my issues to the few woman that understood and even then I had a hard time hearing.  Well, what I really was looking for was sympathy.  Well, ok.  That's normal, right?  Sure it is for a day or so.  I am even sick of me. 
So, whether this changes my smile or improves my facial appeal I really cant' tell.  I am still fighting the pain.  So, I am forcing myself to say positive things about the experience.  i.e. I'm on the tail end.   This too will pass.  Look how far I've come.  And the inevitable:  You will be able to use this to help someone one day. 
You see, for me, if I let myself get caught up in the misery, that is where I stay.  Today I choose not too.  I asked God this morning to help me with healing and patience.  It has been a long summer, but who is measuring?  Me?  that is a laugh cause it wasn't that long ago that I wouldn't have remembered crap about the summer.  Just one minute to the next looking for something to change the way I feel. 

Does the ends justify the mean?

The summer.  The entire summer has been so arduous.  So full of fear and surgeries and pain.  I've got one more day in the dental chair and my entire upper part of my mouth will look so much better.  And best of all, the long enduring painful part will be but a memory (I hope) .  I do not want to go into what happened over the weekend as it is much of the same.  But yesterday I had to go in for an emergency visit to the dentist.  Face looked like shrek it was so blown up.  And the pain that accompanied it was more than I could endure.  He ended up shooting me full of novacain and making an incision into my gumline to relieve the pressure and swelling.  It worked.  Thank God.   Painful as it was and it was!  I made a huge difference.  Now I have to go through this process again in two days and believe me I'll doit, but this has got to come to an end.  My employer probably thinks so too.  I have used all my vacation and sick leave just keeping up w/ the knee and the face. 
It could be worse, right?  None of us get out of here alive.  During my brief stay I insist on enjoying the days I can and praying for the bad ones to come to an end.  God has a wonderful purpose for all of us and today I want to live that life. 
Today is all we have, right?  We are not promised a tomorrow.   And I choose to live this day sober, by the grace of God.

Back to Life

Finally after weeks of sheer pain and agony they have found why I have been in such exrutiating pain.  And I mean never ending.  I would have drank a bottle of Jack Daniels if I could have stopped the pain, but I held on.  It was all tooth related and boy what a mess.  It is being addressed now, and I am almost pain free.
The treatment will be costly, the pain will get worse b4 it gets better, but I know now that it's temporary.  Unlike what has been going on.... and on...... and on.
So, feeling better opens up all kinds of doors.   I can think clearly.  Not quite emotionless but certainly with less emotions.  Thank God!  I want to jump up and down and scream, "I'm back"! 
Of course some folks just laugh at my exuberance.  That's ok.  I feel like I've been to hell and back.....
During the weeks of trial and error (doc, hospital, ENT, oral surgeon)  and lots of error - or so it seems, I began to wonder if I was crazy.  I would cry at the pain.  Call the dentist or doctor and asks for help.  I took (around the clock) Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, Motrin, sinus meds.   I was beginning to worry that my stomach could not live through this.  But, I have, it did.  And as the dental work gets done, I will thank God that I am a) sober!!  b) have dental insurance  c)  willing to take care of these things.   Lord knows there was a time that I would drink to forget.  What a life I have now.   Thank you God!

One more time!

Another trip to the Urgent care this weekend.  I can not get rid of this sinus issue.  the did xrays of my head, teeth, cheek area.  Gave me a shot of steroids and a prescript for another round of antibiotics.   I would have done anything this weekend to make the teeth not hurt.  Today I am feeling pretty good.  My temp and my bp were both up so it is no wonder i am feeling bad. 
I got up this morning with no intention of hitting the gym.  I will do 3 days this week though.  I did want to test how I would feel at 4am.  Yup, more sleep please. 
It's a better day.  Have a couple of sponsees taking final exams this morning.  Hurrah for both of them for wanting and doing better.  In spite of.  At my age I have thought of school but that's as far as I got.  I have a job and on days where it's good, I am good. 
I also spent time in prayer and meditation this morning.  Invaluable to this woman and absolutely takes the edge out of running my life.  God knows I make a mess quicker than a kid in a highchair.
So, the journey continues.  Sober and content.   I'll take that any day!