When the peace comes don’t forget that it did

…………..

I can’t say this enough.  Darkness is scary.  Real scary.  But I’m here to share about the light.  Where it comes from and how I got here.

You cannot know good without bad; or hurt/pain without joy… good and bad, happy and sad… all seem to come back around if we look for it/ wait on it…. Ask for it…

I learned things about me during the repair time, during the dark days and long nights.  I’m not sharing what those things are out of self-preservation but suffice to say they were deep lessons….

So I’m afraid to say I’m peaceful/content out of fear that it will be gone and I will go right back to the dark side.  I am out of the dark and want to stay here.

Last night I got home and as I walked inside exhausted I thought to myself I am really happy I’m alone… no one to have to talk to, interact with… the next thought was, really?  When did that happen?

Is this a momentary blip on the screen or have I come up for air and found it desirable enough to remain?  Ok, the truth is I reached a place of ‘I don’t care what it takes I have got to let go of________”.  That and the doc prescribed an antidepressant which has probably helped more than anything.  Thank God!

But, I also know that I dug in deep to find a God connection at the darkest moments and when the peace came (and it did, here and there) I breathed a sigh of relief if only for a moment.  And then the fire light up again.

So over and over again I surrendered and over and over again I returned to fight.. in the end (and I hope this is the end for now) Gods power has draped its kind hands over my mess and given me breathing room. 

There is no way to describe where I have been other than hell.  There is no way to describe where I am today except grace.

I don’t miss “S” any longer nor cry about him.  My relationship with my son has only begun to reassemble.  Other areas are messy and good at the same time but I know, that I know that I have been given relief from the bondage of self that is allowing me to see others in a new light and I give all the spiritual credit to God…. Man I can’t make this stuff up.

Today is the 28^th of July.  5 years sober by His grace not mine.  A friend’s family member is locked up for drug related charges and I used to run with her.  That could be me.  Surrendering my life (good and bad) still makes sense today.  Whew!  Thank God I’m still here.