When the peace comes don’t forget that it did

…………..

I can’t say this enough.  Darkness is scary.  Real scary.  But I’m here to share about the light.  Where it comes from and how I got here.

You cannot know good without bad; or hurt/pain without joy… good and bad, happy and sad… all seem to come back around if we look for it/ wait on it…. Ask for it…

I learned things about me during the repair time, during the dark days and long nights.  I’m not sharing what those things are out of self-preservation but suffice to say they were deep lessons….

So I’m afraid to say I’m peaceful/content out of fear that it will be gone and I will go right back to the dark side.  I am out of the dark and want to stay here.

Last night I got home and as I walked inside exhausted I thought to myself I am really happy I’m alone… no one to have to talk to, interact with… the next thought was, really?  When did that happen?

Is this a momentary blip on the screen or have I come up for air and found it desirable enough to remain?  Ok, the truth is I reached a place of ‘I don’t care what it takes I have got to let go of________”.  That and the doc prescribed an antidepressant which has probably helped more than anything.  Thank God!

But, I also know that I dug in deep to find a God connection at the darkest moments and when the peace came (and it did, here and there) I breathed a sigh of relief if only for a moment.  And then the fire light up again.

So over and over again I surrendered and over and over again I returned to fight.. in the end (and I hope this is the end for now) Gods power has draped its kind hands over my mess and given me breathing room. 

There is no way to describe where I have been other than hell.  There is no way to describe where I am today except grace.

I don’t miss “S” any longer nor cry about him.  My relationship with my son has only begun to reassemble.  Other areas are messy and good at the same time but I know, that I know that I have been given relief from the bondage of self that is allowing me to see others in a new light and I give all the spiritual credit to God…. Man I can’t make this stuff up.

Today is the 28^th of July.  5 years sober by His grace not mine.  A friend’s family member is locked up for drug related charges and I used to run with her.  That could be me.  Surrendering my life (good and bad) still makes sense today.  Whew!  Thank God I’m still here.

House Hunting...

House hunting.  How fun…..sort of.  I mean I’m not in a hurry, I want the best for my buck (doesn’t everyone?).  I have a list of desires:

Close to where I live now

Fenced backyard

Updated kitchen

Treed lot (if possible)

Keep the cost at $........

I love having options and choices.  I think I have looked at our online listings daily for weeks.  New construction seems likely and how cool is that?  Me…. A homeowner.   Wow God I never saw that coming.

So, while things with M have not changed and I have not seen Tripster, I continue to pray for restoration.  My God is an awesome God.  He knows what I need before I do.  He is working in this and I believe in my heart that resolution is coming.  I pray and wait.

It’s the middle of the summer and already kids are thinking about school.  YUCK!  I want more time with the kids.  I am planning on something next weekend and hopefully it works out.  There is an amusement park that I’d like to take them to for the day.  It is a few hours away and we went 4 or so years ago.  I enjoyed it and if they want to go then we will go.  I hate for summer vacation to end and there not be one thing to report to the other kids as to ‘what did you do this summer’… saying nothing hurts my heart for them.  I wanted to rent another boat for the afternoon but looks like  my daughter is not interested. 

Dare I share this….. I’m happy.  At least happier than the past 8 months.  God knows I struggled daily and things got bad, better, worse, better, awful, better…. Up and down. Up and down.  I do suffer from bi-polar and without meds I go south quickly. 

I really never thought much of that diagnosis until this go around.  It did not help that I ‘thought’ I did not need any meds anymore (that was in March).  By the time the flare up with M happened I was already on my way to a full crash….. Did I mention God?  Did I tell you that I am a miracle?  See I almost left this world.  Something pulled at me so tight that it scared me.  I would not hurt anyone that I love… not intentionally.  Mental illness doesn’t share that same mentality.  Just like the disease of Alcoholism, is just does not care who it takes out….

But, today I’m good.  I’m living one day at a time and laughter has returned to my spirit.  Thank you God!