Could it be goodbye?

I began this blog years ago with the intention of keeping it to ‘breathing’ through life’s many ups and downs.  Through the years I have shared many a personal crisis or uplifting moment.  Tears and joy, laughter and sorrow.  What more can I share?  Seems I might be coming to the end of this journey.  I have shared sober living.  Death of several family members and close friends and staying sober.  Surgeries, more surgeries.  Divorce, births, new beginnings and endings that were so painful that I thought breathing was impossible. 

Today, 8 years later I just reflect on how life just makes sense now.  Children may not always have it together, grandkids may still have lots of growing pains going on, relationships that ended are put to bed, sobriety intact, job going well and the greatest gift God has given me is the new home.  I close on Wed and I just am in awe of how this even came about. 

Last year at this time I was painfully walking through an intense breakup that took months to get over, shedding lots of tears and sharing all my fears. 

See life can be hard but it can be good too.  Today I’m really happy to say it’s good.  Inside I’m a really content, happy lady.  Yes, without a partner, when kids are at arm’s length and other things lingering known or otherwise.  I may stop by occasionally but this seems to be a great place to lay it to rest.

 

I just can’t believe I have learned to breathe through so many things.

When the peace comes don’t forget that it did

…………..

I can’t say this enough.  Darkness is scary.  Real scary.  But I’m here to share about the light.  Where it comes from and how I got here.

You cannot know good without bad; or hurt/pain without joy… good and bad, happy and sad… all seem to come back around if we look for it/ wait on it…. Ask for it…

I learned things about me during the repair time, during the dark days and long nights.  I’m not sharing what those things are out of self-preservation but suffice to say they were deep lessons….

So I’m afraid to say I’m peaceful/content out of fear that it will be gone and I will go right back to the dark side.  I am out of the dark and want to stay here.

Last night I got home and as I walked inside exhausted I thought to myself I am really happy I’m alone… no one to have to talk to, interact with… the next thought was, really?  When did that happen?

Is this a momentary blip on the screen or have I come up for air and found it desirable enough to remain?  Ok, the truth is I reached a place of ‘I don’t care what it takes I have got to let go of________”.  That and the doc prescribed an antidepressant which has probably helped more than anything.  Thank God!

But, I also know that I dug in deep to find a God connection at the darkest moments and when the peace came (and it did, here and there) I breathed a sigh of relief if only for a moment.  And then the fire light up again.

So over and over again I surrendered and over and over again I returned to fight.. in the end (and I hope this is the end for now) Gods power has draped its kind hands over my mess and given me breathing room. 

There is no way to describe where I have been other than hell.  There is no way to describe where I am today except grace.

I don’t miss “S” any longer nor cry about him.  My relationship with my son has only begun to reassemble.  Other areas are messy and good at the same time but I know, that I know that I have been given relief from the bondage of self that is allowing me to see others in a new light and I give all the spiritual credit to God…. Man I can’t make this stuff up.

Today is the 28^th of July.  5 years sober by His grace not mine.  A friend’s family member is locked up for drug related charges and I used to run with her.  That could be me.  Surrendering my life (good and bad) still makes sense today.  Whew!  Thank God I’m still here.

House Hunting...

House hunting.  How fun…..sort of.  I mean I’m not in a hurry, I want the best for my buck (doesn’t everyone?).  I have a list of desires:

Close to where I live now

Fenced backyard

Updated kitchen

Treed lot (if possible)

Keep the cost at $........

I love having options and choices.  I think I have looked at our online listings daily for weeks.  New construction seems likely and how cool is that?  Me…. A homeowner.   Wow God I never saw that coming.

So, while things with M have not changed and I have not seen Tripster, I continue to pray for restoration.  My God is an awesome God.  He knows what I need before I do.  He is working in this and I believe in my heart that resolution is coming.  I pray and wait.

It’s the middle of the summer and already kids are thinking about school.  YUCK!  I want more time with the kids.  I am planning on something next weekend and hopefully it works out.  There is an amusement park that I’d like to take them to for the day.  It is a few hours away and we went 4 or so years ago.  I enjoyed it and if they want to go then we will go.  I hate for summer vacation to end and there not be one thing to report to the other kids as to ‘what did you do this summer’… saying nothing hurts my heart for them.  I wanted to rent another boat for the afternoon but looks like  my daughter is not interested. 

Dare I share this….. I’m happy.  At least happier than the past 8 months.  God knows I struggled daily and things got bad, better, worse, better, awful, better…. Up and down. Up and down.  I do suffer from bi-polar and without meds I go south quickly. 

I really never thought much of that diagnosis until this go around.  It did not help that I ‘thought’ I did not need any meds anymore (that was in March).  By the time the flare up with M happened I was already on my way to a full crash….. Did I mention God?  Did I tell you that I am a miracle?  See I almost left this world.  Something pulled at me so tight that it scared me.  I would not hurt anyone that I love… not intentionally.  Mental illness doesn’t share that same mentality.  Just like the disease of Alcoholism, is just does not care who it takes out….

But, today I’m good.  I’m living one day at a time and laughter has returned to my spirit.  Thank you God!

It"s Summertime and...........

It’s summertime and the living is easy…… I love that song.  Really brings me back to a gentler time in youth.  The living is easy now but not without emotional upset.  But I’m learning to walk forward in spite of.

The cool of spring left quickly and the outside air temps are reaching nearly 100 with the heat index.  Hot folks, hot!

We went camping just before it got exceptionally hot.  I love the water and camping but when all you can do is stay in the water… well night time becomes a problem.  J

So, a couple of things…..

It’s time to enjoy this weather!  Camping… Kayaking …

Yes!  Kayaking.  Headed in a few weeks for a day trip.  Now, last year we loaded up in August and along the way we always stop, jump in to cool off and splash and play.  Well, until the Water Moccasin came after us.  Literally…. As a matter of fact after one of the kids.  Scared us all to death!  So, that was so much fun we are doing it again.  We have enjoyed these trips for 4 or 5 years now.  The water is cold and in places moving swift but not scary.  Mostly this is a paddle trip…. But what about the snakes?   Mmm. Still gonna get wet but may not get in the grassy areas… ewe!

Probably taking the g-kids to our local wave pool this weekend.  Wave Pool, slides, Olympic pool.  Beach… just fun!  I so enjoy hanging out with them so unless it rains….

Now, one thing I haven’t done before this summer is visit my brother down south.  He lives about 6 hours from us.  Just happens to be on the way to the beach (sort of).  So, road trip with my traveling companion and sister..  Lucy to my Ethel or vice versa.  Just a short 3 days but I just think it will be fun.  I love spending time with him and going to the beach for the day is something that excites me as well.  When S and I were dating we took a short trip to the beach.  It rained the whole time but being together was so much fun (sniff, sniff).  That was then…. This is now and I’m getting back to whole….. yeah me!

Well that along with day trips to the lake and hanging out at 4^th of July… will pretty much sum up the summer… sounds so final and its only June 23^rd.  Planning way beyond today but enjoying the distraction.

Life isn’t great or is it?  A few days ago I was so incredibly down that well…. Thank God I’m not there (right now)..

You know that saying that every day is a chance to learn something about ourselves.  Well I’ve gotten a huge does lately and maybe it will change how I moved forward and maybe it will be tossed aside as it should be…. For now.

God grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change…. One of the hardest things I know… cause Lord knows I am a fixer… oh and I break things too.

 

Time frames everything

12 months ago I was pretty happy and excited in a relationship that seemed so right and I never thought I would feel that way again.

8 months ago we broke up..

9 years ago I left a great job after almost 8 years; one I thought I would never leave.

6 years ago I began this new one….

12 years ago I thought my life was over; I never thought I would heal.

9 years ago I got sober and I never thought I would want to.

7 months ago a precious baby came into this world; the product of the love

Of 2 recovering people (one of which is my wayward son).

1 month ago they blocked me from their lives and their precious baby…

I never saw that coming.

 

So, as time slips by or spins at warp speed, we embrace it or fight it… but it wins.  Always.

 

Time takes Time.  In the Meantime it’s a mean time.  Pretty prolific, right?

Life offers good and dishes out hard.  We either absorb, accept or fight.

 

I have been consumed by each of these things from point of contact at that time.  Of course as time passes, the injury or joy passes and dissipates. 

 

Someone said to me last night that people see the glass half full or half empty which either is correct.  That had never occurred to me.  Of course they are.  So, we always have a choice to have it either way.  For me, sometimes I don’t have the ability to see above the misery and sadness to choose the positive. 

 

I am working through this newest hurt and maybe by trying to understand him rather than harboring anger which builds to resentments.  Again, processing as the “time” passes.  Am I certain of a good outcome?  No.  Am I resolved to that chance?  No.  But I’m hoping and without hope I might as well check out….

Regrouping..

Regrouping.  Refreshing.  Reclaiming.  Mind, body and spirit.

It is necessary at times to take a step back.  Look around and re-access.  Is there something that needs to be discarded?  Reclaimed?  Physically?  Emotionally?  The answer for me is yes.

Seems most of what I write about over the past 8 months or so has not exactly been positive.  Matter of fact things have been difficult and sad but also exciting and renewing.

Steve left.  Trip came.  Babies trump everything.  I love that baby with all I am or ever will be.  I wonder if he will ever know how much?..  You see, I have 5 wonderful grands.  4 of them were born in a time when my emotional disorder was not under wraps.  In other words I was a mess.. Meander forward 9 years and here I sit.  Not a new person but such a better one that I know, that my love for these little ones is so great and could not have been had life not changed for me.

So a few observations:  One a lot can happen in 9 years.  Sober acting, thinking, living.  That in and of itself is huge… and is the start, the middle and hopefully the ending of my re-written life..

I had a traumatic episode last week that has left me so shaken.  More family drama than needs to be spoken of.  However, I have been cut off from this baby that I can only describe as a gift from God for everyone.  But, for now, I am not allowed to see him.  The why (and it isn’t mine) doesn’t matter as much as the hurt.  Yes, hurt.  You see, in cutting me off from baby 5 (T), it was real apparent that the total rage being spewed at me had less to do with me than the person saying the hurtful words.  But honestly, nothing can hurt like hearing, my family (him and his mom and dad) do not want me to be a part of…. And then my number was blocked and just like that….. I am cut off from………

Timing… impeccable?  I don’t know but this past weekend I went on a 3 day roundup at a state park close to here.  It was gorgeous.  I stayed connected to the ‘reason’ for being there, I spent time with friends laughing and cementing, once again this whole sobriety living.  However there was an underlying sadness that just kept getting pushed away and prayed about.  But it was there…

Nothing has changed.  I have been advised to let this go.  That it may take a long time but I may be able to see Trip but not right now.  I could throw up just thinking about this.

But I remain sober…. There is a miracle.  You see, I am still surprised at my ‘go to’ response upon complete devastation (Steve, now this) is f-it.  Go ahead and drink.  Who cares?  I just want relief and I truly needed it right then.

Now I’m not sure how I made it through those days after the breakup, nor do I know how I am breathing through all this, but I just keep walking in spite of…. God?  Hmmmm.

 

I have very little wisdom anymore.  I thought I was full of grace and mercy but that remains questionable….  But I keep walking…. (When in Hell)

 

On a better note, “d” got a job.   Hurrah and thank you God!  They need the financial peace and not a moment too soon.  I suppose I do too; worry, worry go away!

 

Summer is almost here.  Camping trip in about 2 weeks…. I pray that my spiritual side will completely cover this insanity and all of us will breathe…

 

Maybe this will help