Thanksgiving.... every day.

Thank goodness that is over!  Thanksgiving…day…….

Ok, so the festivities were I cooked turkey and Miss Sydney did the cornbread dressing like her pawpaw made… M&A did a big ham and other fillers, D did pies and her parents did some casseroles.  All of the food groups were met.  Unfortunately some feelings got hurt.  But, we will not go there.  Funny how a few hours/days between then and now can ease the anger or angst of the day.  I believe that just the getting things made brings on anxiety and I also believe it gets worse when you bring 4 families together.  Whew!  Wipe your brow.

So, our sweet baby “t” was not feeling real well.  But, doctor is addressing what ails him.  I did get to watch sweetness on Friday while mom and dad did a run to the store.  It’s funny.  He has not been out of their site and certainly not left at anyone’s house… But, they did and he was fine.  I held him while he slept and it was so special.  After about 45 minutes my son called.  Mom how is everything.  I just laughed.  He is fine.  They walked in the door about 30 minutes later.  Too sweet.

So, the Xmas decorations are up.  It hit me as I was opening the box for the artificial tree and I thought as I have many years before…. When the tree gets put away after the holidays as I’m boxing it up I ALWAYS think… I wonder where I will be when I open this box next year.  And I always wish I will be in love again.  As I was putting the tree together I chose not to get sad over being alone again.  I’m never alone.  I have great kids and grandkids that will always be there to keep me company.  But the biggest thing is my God.  He will never leave me and I believe that… with all that I am…

So, the shopping has begun in all its fury.  What to by and for whom…. I really try to get this done early so that I can just enjoy the season.  This year will be the same.

I am excited about something I am making for my Bunco gals.  All homemade and I will cheerfully give out next Friday night.  I love finding or making that certain gift that no one would have expected.  For me, it really is about giving.   And I love to give.

When did this happen?

When did this happen?  When did I become the “grandmother’ instead of the cool MiMi?

I am saddened at the course of events over however long it has taken.  My precious grandkids who used to snuggle, love on and squeeze so tight have now taken to hugging me and picking me up off the floor (all the while laughing).  Songs on the radio I no longer know the words to?  What used to be our ritualistic car rides and singing PP&M, Puff the Magic Dragon or This Land is Your Land or a few others we would sing out loud has now become a quiet ride most of the time.  Well quiet in that the music they like (and btw know all the words) I get a headache from and don’t know the words; which can make the event even funnier.  When did this happen?  I’m sad… what will happen next?  No longer spending the night with their MiMi?  I shudder at that thought.  Shopping for clothes for them has lost its fun in that we either can’t find what they like or what they like is not available in their size.  I was informed by my youngest that this year, for Xmas to please give her $$ so she can go shop for her own fun clothes.  What?  Last year I went, list clenched in my hand, to some crazy store for what she wanted and felt I did a good job.  Well it seems I have now been banished to the lower level of ‘that’s ok Mimi” meaning…… I have lost my touch. 

Let’s take a trip down memory lane (oops that may be a short one).  Let’s go back to 2005… living alone they would come to spend the night.  The daytime was filled with laughter and lots of fun activities.   Night time would go well until bedtime.  My poor precious Caleb would get upset, begin to cry and want to go home.  It would break m y heart…. But he would cuddle up and eventually fall asleep.  Let’s take a ride to the mountain; swing on the swings, take a hike, collect pine cones and nuts (since they were sure there was a squirrel somewhere else that might need them)…. Hide-n-seek, swimming… oh lots of swimming.  So many memories with pictures that tell the same story.  My sweet precious babies.  Who are now 13, 15 and 16… I’m old.  I see that now.  They have left me behind and now I’m the fun one but not on the same level.  We still swim (but don’t go as deep), play board games as well as dominoes and cards.  Tucked away are plastic totes of any toy I have managed to keep of theirs and the books we read nightly.  Which, if you have never watched the reaction of a child as you read a book to them and they look at the illustrations.  Priceless.  Hikes are few and far between although they still like going to the mountain… But I am seeing all too clear….. I know I will always be loved by them (plus my newest baby, Trip) but the new memories will include other activities set by their age and mine too.

There have been days since 2004 where I just did not want to get out of bed but they would come stay with me and for a minute my world was back in tact… for a moment.

The soothing sounds of singing and laughing and telling fun stories…. Well those times are still here….. I just hope I remember that… tomorrow.  Did I say I love these kids… ok, well you get the picture then…. Always is a long time but not long enough.

Greatest Joy

There is no greater joy than to see your children happy and fully adjusted to this thing called life.  But, when they bring their children into this life things grow considerably.  While I have the greatest joy in my daughters children, all 4 of them, I am elated at the birth of my son’s baby boy.  I spent so many years crumbled up in fear over his choices most of which were awful and hurtful (to him and others).  But when he reached out to God 4 years ago and said I’m done and I need you… his life changed rapidly.  Sober, wonderful girlfriend, marriage and truly blessed life and then baby “T” came.  He will be 2 weeks old tomorrow.  What a miracle.  I got to spend a few hours with them last night.  In watching “M” hold him, love him and adore him my heart just melted.  I do believe he has that much of his dad in him, who adored his children and grandchildren.  That is another blessing (if you will).  Their dad passed away at the end of last year.  “T” arrive will (hopefully) take the focus off of ‘that’ and perhaps ease that emptiness just a little.  Not saying someone can replace another; however, where one life ended another began.  And he is loved.

Thanksgiving is next week.  We will all be at my son’s house for a great meal.  Yes it will be less one important person but we will all be together along with his in-laws.  I have asked ‘R’ (ex) to join us as he is alone.  He has not committed but the invite has been extended…

Another point with “R” is his son.  I wonder if the song Cats in the Cradle applies here.  “T” left home at 17 and has never returned; well except for a quick visit here and there.  After we were married he seemed to accept me and his dad’s remarriage and came a couple times a year.  We attended his weddings (quick one many years ago), and he seemed to like coming (at least while we were married) and staying with us.  As a matter of fact he would go see his mother for a day but always came back to our house.  Well all that has changed.  He no longer comes with his wife.  They do not invite him to their house due to having 4 dogs that get upset.  Who does that?  Anyway back to Cats in the Cradle, I have to wonder….

 

Re-Framing

I read something today that struck close to home.  It’s called ‘reframing’.  Taking something that is painful and changing the way we view it.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Try it.   I have been doing something similar but did not call it ‘reframing’ but rewriting a story.  Pick any story you have experienced.  Probably should be a sad/emotional one.  Otherwise why would we ‘rewrite’ it?  The writer of this article spoke about not dodging the pain, in fact acknowledge it… you cannot go around or it will come back.  We have to breathe it, live it, sleep with it, and take it to work, to dinner….. you got the jest, right?

There is no right or wrong way to get through a painful season…. It just is… But the idea of ‘reframing’ intrigued me.  How?  What steps do we take?   And the biggest question… how long will it take?  All answers are ambiguous.  It is a personal journey.

This is what it looks like for me, today.

Beginning with acknowledging what ‘it’ is; which can be painful in itself.

Looking at it from a different perspective will take time, but not to sit waiting.  No, action is the necessary key.  So she suggests to make a list daily of what we ARE thankful for.  Even if it is silly… write it.  As this daily action takes place slowly we begin to feel it… and the feelings are what we want to avoid, prolong or escape from (when it comes to this).  She said, act as if.. which in my circles we have been passing on for years.  Does it work?  Well if we sat around moping and crying that is what we will feel.  But somehow in putting some positive outlook on where we are at that very moment can change the process….

So:  if my list were made today it would look like this:

1.  God
2. My family
3. My grandkids
4. My sobriety
5. Certain relationships have been mended
6. A job that gives me the means to pay my bills
7. My kitties
8. My comfortable bed
9. A clear(er) head
10. Friends that stay forever
     
    Taking our mind off of ‘it’ is a process and I suppose a long one at best… but ‘it’ is not serving any purpose but causing me harm… emotionally.
     
    Totally not rhetorical.  No one else has to agree…. In the weeks ahead I may find this totally useless.  But I’m willing to try.  Word for the day:  ReFraming..

ooh baby baby!

Sweet, Sweet baby!

On Friday we welcomed our newest addition to our family.  A perfect little boy.  Absolutely adorable.  I was swelling with love.  Several things to note here.  One… this is my wild child’s child.  Well wild no more child.  Miracle child.  Well no longer a child, child.  I guess you get the point.  My sweet baby boy now has a sweet baby boy.

I have a confession of sorts.  I mean can you love one child more than another?  One grandchild more than the rest?  I do not have an answer to that.  What I do know is, and this is complete honesty, is when my children were born I was too young and immature to fully grasp what was happening.  Terribly sad!  When my first grandchild came along I was elated….. add 3 more to that mix.  They are and always will be my precious babies.  Always! So, this makes baby #5 for grandchildren.  I can not believe that.  5.  I only have 2 children.  I believe this baby will be smothered with love; from his parents and certainly grandparents.  How can a baby not be loved. 

So, there are no favorites.  No one gets a bigger portion of the ‘pie’ to say, but I love them all the same… even the youngest who absolutely stole my heart.  And I needed him too since it is broken.

So, as I rocked him that first night, as I held him tight I said a prayer to our God to please keep him safe and thank you for allowing this family to grow.

There are no greater blessings than to welcome a child into the world.

 

 

 

Baby!!!!

Baby almost here.  What a blessing.  We have not had a little one in 13 years....baby boy......for my baby boy,.....the one that I did not think would make it to his 21st bday.  What a miracle..