My place

Where is my place and do I belong?

I began dating.  Dating a fabulous man.  Just a few years older, kind, extremely good looking, sexy, financially stable, grown kids…. What is there not to like?  Oh, and he recently lost his wife.  Not just his wife… but the love of his life.  They had found each other after his first wife left him…. Within a year he was in love and marrying.  She loved him and he loved her.  Then she got sick.  I was not in the picture at that time, but I can only imagine the heartache of it all.  She lost her fight with cancer last summer.

When I met him, he seemed so nice.  We talked for hours and he did tell me he was a widow.  That sounded so antiquated, but I get it.  I told him he had some healing to go and he agreed.  We began to date and we both enjoyed each other’s company.  Shortly after that first date I began to get smitten with the attention he gave me, the kindness he showed me… I have been divorced for 10 years and only been involved a few times in the interim, mostly to the man that left me.  That is a dead horse.  I have been lonely, afraid, angry, sad, happy, joyous, rageful, distrustful, anxious, demanding, destroyed, blessed…. Got it?  But now, with him, I feel a renewed spirit.  Yet, what about him?

We are together a lot.  I miss him when he goes home.  I adore him when he is there.  I comfort, confide, enjoy and absolutely have a blast with him.  There is nothing we can’t or don’t talk about.  Except…… their relationship.  He will bring it up at will, and I just listen.  He loves her.    I suppose in some small sense of the word, we both are at the same place.  We both lost our loves.  The  big difference with me is mine left a long time ago.  Since then I have run amuck trying to get him to love me again.  What a waste of time.

But he loves her.  He told me a few weeks ago that after a while he made the decision that he had too much life left to live and he was going to live it.  That it didn’t diminish his love or their relationship.  I totally understand and respect that.  Truly respect.  But!  Is it too soon?  Then I ask, too soon for what?  We aren’t in love.  But I adore him.  We aren’t in love but I can see this long term.  We may not be in love but I feel certain, we both are blown away by how this all came to be.  Totally natural.  Totally enjoyable.

There are pangs from me if I feel a disconnect from him.  Of course it makes sense to worry that you won’t add up to what he lost.  Well, maybe not sense… but understandable.  I said from the beginning I won’t or can’t compete with what he lost.  Well I don’t have too.  He made the decision and he has a clear head about all of this.  I am concerned but trying to trust him through what these early stages bring to me. 

The other night something happened and I felt really bad/sad.  He realized it and said many times, ‘I’m sorry.  He did not mean to seem uncaring or that I would feel rejection (which I did).  Gosh it is so hard for me to trust.  So hard! 

I pray, each day, I lay this at the feet of Jesus!  He knows what I need, what ‘S’ needs.  There are children and grandchildren to consider.   Who knows….I’m not jealous.  I just want in his head to find out what he is thinking…. I told him earlier that, by his own admission, he is a visual… I, on the other hand, am a words person.  TELL me what you want or need…