Confusion All Around?

 

I am having such a roller coaster ride here it’s almost miserable.  Let’s face it; don’t we all want to be riding high?  I know I do, but what goes up must come down…. Right?   So…. The new man in my life…. I keep saying he is a good guy and he is.  But there are some small points to ponder.  Nothing huge but certainly brings up some old wounds.  We are working through some of it and hopefully we both will continue to be willing…

I, on the other hand, have gone from swooning to sobbing a few times.  Learning a new person is uncomfortable at times.  We went from 1^st date, to, today without stopping….. Seems there could be some signs we both are overlooking.   {could be}

He has shot it straight from the beginning and I am amazed at how quickly we jelled.    While I keep believing we entered each other’s life at the right time…… there is still that getting to know someone that is trying at times all the while being full of excitement.   So, what could possibly be the problem?  Well to begin with… I am high strung and emotion driven.  He is laid back and facts oriented.  So emotion-less that at times I wish he would show something….. but he remains the same…. 

So I’m learning what he likes, what he doesn’t like.  That what he says, he means.  What he wants he gets and that he can be as kind as the day is long….. A few times I have gotten my feelings hurt over some jab but its never mean spirited… just me…. Wearing my feelings on my shirt..

So, there are some confusing signals from his end but I wait it out or talk it out.  So far….. so good……

The confusion beyond this is “R”.  he keeps trying.   I see so plain how he has managed to keep me around for the past 10 years and I am sure someone would think the same too.   Today as I was telling him bye in his car… oh wait… I forgot to mention he asked me to go to lunch…. He was coming by anyway but lunch made sense… to him.  I was fearful but went anyway… of course he was kind and good conversation about family…. Thinking about it now almost makes me sad.  That somehow, I still need that connection…. I know life is so about the experiences we have and how we choose to let them mold us and 22 years with the same partner truly makes one hell ova ride.  Up, down, happy, sad……. I’ve reached a place of acceptance with just a little sadness…. I told him today that I pray for him to find a nice person to love.  He shocked me by telling me that he is thinking about going on one of ‘those dating sites’…. How cute… 

So …. No mass confusion but certainly could be confused by all the rumblings in my head…

In the end….. ‘s’ takes me home…

Hitting the beach

It has been a long, cold winter even here in the south.  I so dislike the months between xmas and spring.  I guess everyone does; dreary and cold…. But!  We are now into spring and the weather is getting better, flowers are blooming, grass is growing…. Summer will be here before we know it!

What better way to kick off the warmer weather than a trip to the beach!  Gulf coast has the prettiest beaches and the greenest waters.  I love it….Although the forecast was not promising, we went with little expectations but hoping for the best.  We had an afternoon of brilliant sunshine and temps reaching the low 80’s.  The beach was glistening and folks were out and about! 

This trip was extra special in that I was invited to join the man I’m dating.  How wonderful that was; he WANTED to take me.  Wanted!  No one has wanted to take me anywhere is years.    We enjoy each other’s company so much, laughed more than I have in such a long time.  Long walk on the beach, paddle boarding, body surfing and wonderful food!  I don’t believe the trip could have been any better unless the sun had been shining!  We didn’t let anything stop us from having the time of our lives (well mine anyway).   We have such a great connection that anything is up for discussion.  Well except the loss of his spouse last year.  I don’t bring her or that time up… I did fear that he was experiencing the beach for the second time since she passed and how would he be affected?  Unless he hides his emotions well he seemed truly ok.  Truly..

So, with the laughter and trotting all over the area; I was able to forget about my past and his as well.  No work, no phones ringing… just fun.   Thank you God for putting this man in my life.

Now, about God….. “S” and I have talked about our relationship and putting God first, and that is what I am trying to do.  In the morning when I read my meditation he came out and asked if I would read what the daily meditation said.  Afterwards we sat discussing what it said and how it could be used in our lives.  What?  Really?  Where did all this come from?  Except for me getting in the emotional way…. This still seems so guided….

I’m praying daily to stay on track! 

So, pictures are of a meal we had on the beach and of course… the beach!

 

 

If we learn from them…………..

 

So important to preface this with…. IF

Learning curves can be scary, right?  Heck learning anything new can be daunting to say the least…I went back to school several years ago thinking, well I’m older… how hard can it be?  Yup!  It was that and then some.  I have learned more from the consequences of my actions than anything.  Job, divorce, children…a book… written like a book.  A bad novel….  Ok, I digress.

It’s when we don’t learn from life lessons that it becomes an issue.  Heck, I would like at times, to stick my head in the sand.  Of course we would.  It is scary! 

So, my life lessons as of late are truly relational.  How do I?............................. fill in the blank….

I have not a clue.  So, I am being shown through my actions how the reactions of others can be life changing.  I thought I was an honest person… and I am,,,, but when I am in doubt or fear I still find being completely honest very difficult.  After all, what would he think?    Anyone know how silly that is right now?

So, in this season of my life I am learning so much…

How do I treat someone without any expectations of return?

How do I talk to someone about a touchy subject?

How do I tell someone my truth without fear of their reaction?

How, how, how?

Trust, trust, trust!   I have piously pursued a connection to God that I could not miss.  What I have found is a desire to keep going in spite of how I feel.  Is that trust?  Hmmm. Maybe…

So in my relationship with ‘S’ I have been on top of the world and at the bottom of the pit…. Ying and yang.  And not without the side effects from both.

The end result always seems to be trust.  Trust in the kindness of this person.  Trust in his honesty.  Trust being led sightless to a new beginning.  The deal is trust!

So, the lessons learned over the past few months bring knowledge but not always joy.  But, we find God in the darkness….

Friends, Music, Laughter and Him

What an awesome weekend.  So full of great things.   Friday night I played Bunco with a group of woman from my high school days…. We laugh so much that honestly when I leave I’m so worn out; which is not a bad thing.  We all have known each other since grade school or there about…  That is a long time!

Saturday we had a car show at church.  Sounds funny but it was a fund raiser and we had an awesome turnout.  I volunteered for the morning but afterwards I went home, changed and went back with my boyfriend (still sounds funny) where we met 2 of his children and grandkids.  We had such a great afternoon.  Afterwards we went to a crawfish boil.  Oh my gosh there was Cajun music, dancing and lots and lots of crawfish!  My thoughts…….. too much work for the miniscule payoff…  But we spent more time with his kids and getting to know them and vice versa.  I guess I passed the test to the point that he knew it was time to begin introducing me to them.

So, the day was really full and blessed beyond words.  Sunday after church the afternoon was so beautiful that I could not resist cooking out.  Chicken on the grill!  Yum!  I invited Steve over since I’m pretty sure he doesn’t get many home cooked meals. 

Last night we had an interesting talk.  I asked him about God.  How he feels about his relationship… where he is headed (not with me).  Since he lost his wife I can’t shake the thoughts of several things… none of which are ready for paper.  He thought intently on this.  Finally he said, “I told you from the beginning I was looking for someone that wanted the same things I did, God!” Someone to walk along this journey and to encourage spiritual growth from both sides.  When I looked up at him he had tears in his eyes.  He blinked for a minute and wiped the tears away.  I don’t think I’ll ever know what that was about, but I just reached over and held him.  He is a blessing to me and my life and I hope I am to his.

One thing I made clear; no matter where he stands, no matter what direction he wants to go in, IF it does not align with my direction with God then we will part company.  No one can predict the future but I am certain that if I were to take my life back into my own plans and designs, it will implode and I will become irritable and discontent.  Go figure.

So, we are good, life is good.  I did have a heart aching call though.  I missed a call from “R”.  When I called him back on Sunday he seemed cold or distant.  He said I’m sure you were busy last night on a date at the movies or something.  His voice seemed almost sad.   I didn’t respond.  I am none of his business.   The conversation ended pretty quickly.  I was sad for a minute but living my life as he has told me to do for the past 10 years. 

And, I AM HAPPY.

My place

Where is my place and do I belong?

I began dating.  Dating a fabulous man.  Just a few years older, kind, extremely good looking, sexy, financially stable, grown kids…. What is there not to like?  Oh, and he recently lost his wife.  Not just his wife… but the love of his life.  They had found each other after his first wife left him…. Within a year he was in love and marrying.  She loved him and he loved her.  Then she got sick.  I was not in the picture at that time, but I can only imagine the heartache of it all.  She lost her fight with cancer last summer.

When I met him, he seemed so nice.  We talked for hours and he did tell me he was a widow.  That sounded so antiquated, but I get it.  I told him he had some healing to go and he agreed.  We began to date and we both enjoyed each other’s company.  Shortly after that first date I began to get smitten with the attention he gave me, the kindness he showed me… I have been divorced for 10 years and only been involved a few times in the interim, mostly to the man that left me.  That is a dead horse.  I have been lonely, afraid, angry, sad, happy, joyous, rageful, distrustful, anxious, demanding, destroyed, blessed…. Got it?  But now, with him, I feel a renewed spirit.  Yet, what about him?

We are together a lot.  I miss him when he goes home.  I adore him when he is there.  I comfort, confide, enjoy and absolutely have a blast with him.  There is nothing we can’t or don’t talk about.  Except…… their relationship.  He will bring it up at will, and I just listen.  He loves her.    I suppose in some small sense of the word, we both are at the same place.  We both lost our loves.  The  big difference with me is mine left a long time ago.  Since then I have run amuck trying to get him to love me again.  What a waste of time.

But he loves her.  He told me a few weeks ago that after a while he made the decision that he had too much life left to live and he was going to live it.  That it didn’t diminish his love or their relationship.  I totally understand and respect that.  Truly respect.  But!  Is it too soon?  Then I ask, too soon for what?  We aren’t in love.  But I adore him.  We aren’t in love but I can see this long term.  We may not be in love but I feel certain, we both are blown away by how this all came to be.  Totally natural.  Totally enjoyable.

There are pangs from me if I feel a disconnect from him.  Of course it makes sense to worry that you won’t add up to what he lost.  Well, maybe not sense… but understandable.  I said from the beginning I won’t or can’t compete with what he lost.  Well I don’t have too.  He made the decision and he has a clear head about all of this.  I am concerned but trying to trust him through what these early stages bring to me. 

The other night something happened and I felt really bad/sad.  He realized it and said many times, ‘I’m sorry.  He did not mean to seem uncaring or that I would feel rejection (which I did).  Gosh it is so hard for me to trust.  So hard! 

I pray, each day, I lay this at the feet of Jesus!  He knows what I need, what ‘S’ needs.  There are children and grandchildren to consider.   Who knows….I’m not jealous.  I just want in his head to find out what he is thinking…. I told him earlier that, by his own admission, he is a visual… I, on the other hand, am a words person.  TELL me what you want or need… 

You ever just know?

 

Can you trust your gut instinct?  I believe the older I get, which parlays into the wiser I am and the slower I am to act; I usually can heed to that ‘feeling’.  Usually.

I’ve heard it called waiting on the other shoe to drop….. Yes, that definitely was me..  After all I knew that I did not deserve the good and had used up all my ‘get out of jail free’ cards so the remainder was bound to be wrought with what if and what now.  All negative…

As my sobriety matures, as I rely  more and more on a power greater than myself; I am freer to release the ties that bind, which, are my own.  Ahhh.

So, if that trust is there then it makes sense that the ‘I just know’ would accompany it, right?  Well for me, not exactly.  I can go through something pretty heavy, come out the other side and still contemplate the existence of some higher purpose…..  over and over and………..

So, the just knowing; is that real or not?  Some people are easy reads and when their expression does not match their words, a knot may begin in my stomach….

But, what of the others that have poker faces.  Not to pick on car salesman or any salesperson for that matter, but the genuine concern of that person can change my whole perspective.    I can’t always see through the smoke but when I do, I do.

Hence the title…. Just knowing…………..

To jump to the other side of the fence I’ll add that I was that person.  I WAS and I am blessed not to walk in those shoes today.  Not perfect, but certainly not taking from anyone, not hurting anyone..

So that is someone ‘knows’ and it concerns me.  They truly will know.  Know that I am sincere and truthful..

past, present and future

Past, Present and Future

I am blessed to have loved someone so deeply, hurt so terribly, and forgiven immeasurably.  Really a gift from above.  Who knew?  Who knew!  

This post is about where I was and where I am now and how I got there.  I do not want to repeat the same stuff previously blogged about but it might come out that way.  You see, I am forever indebted to my past, to my love for him (RJ), and the God that loved me in spite of all I had done. 

I had let my past dictate who I was for so long that it over ran my present, which eventually becomes the past again.  I beat my head against the wall of regret so often and for so long that even I had lost all hope. 

In our fellowship it states, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  I could not get that in to my heart to save my life.  The hurt was just too much.  What I know now is that I stood in the way of my own recovery far too long without knowing it.  I hid behind a wall of shame that probably started way before the series of events I am writing about.  What‘s the old adage, if ya never knew, ya never knew…. Lastly, once I knew, it made it worse… See the solution to all my problems was a spiritual one and let me say this that is a hard pill to swallow (no pun intended).

So, in order for my future to be ok, my past and present had to be shaken and readdressed.  What a concept.  What a huge undertaking.  Thankfully I believe in a God so big that none of who I was, what I did, surprised him.  He loved me anyway!  See, I am still not good at the unconditional love thing.  But!  I’m trying.

So, years of tears have given way to the acceptance of it all.  Yes I did all that.  Yes I hurt him.  Yes he hurt me…………………… enough, don’t you think?

I knew, deep inside that letting go and letting God take control was the answer…. I just fought so hard to do it my way to get my results.  What a shock to find that His way has given me MORE than what I wanted.  Just in his time, not mine.  Well, actually perhaps my time, just had to hurt enough, fear enough, and give up… enough!

So, my present can still be marred by self-doubt/self-pity/fear……  But I’m learning to trust an infinite God.  I smile thinking of that.  Perhaps that is because someone came into my life that has taken my breath away… perhaps.

So, unhooking my present from my past doesn’t mean I forget.  Uh uh.  Doesn’t happen that way.  But it doing so I am free to live a life that adds joy to the present, 0pening up the joy of the future.  What a concept. 

The men in my life have all been the exact need at the right time.  Doesn’t mean they were supposed to stay, although they did, for a season.  But what it does say is I loved as best I could, as deep as I was capable, and as long as I was able. 

Enter the newest man in my life.  Total unorthodox but for now its working.  We are a tight fit and surprisingly enough… it truly is the right time… for us both.

Addition and Subtraction

Subtraction/Addition

Our family unit has continued to change over the past year.  Son’s wedding in September added a special girl to our fold.  The sad passing of his dad at the end of the year brought considerable grief to everyone, especially M & D.  Unfortunately that first year is the worst.  If you have gone through it you understand.   Although I have only heard of a few outbursts, I’m sure there have been many.

Well last week we got the call.  THE call.  They are having a baby!  I was dumbfounded when he told me.  Not because of anything other than I thought they would wait.  But, anytime is a good time as far as grandparents are concerned.  I am elated.  They are ecstatic.  “D” is yelling ‘I’m going to be an aunt’.  Something she has waiting so long for.  Let’s face it, her children range in age from 15 – 12.  So it’s been a few years since we had a little one…. Plus ‘M’ is 34….  So he feels like it’s time.  I agree!

Now, here is the kicker…. I was asked, ‘mom wouldn’t it be wild if the baby was born on the 31^st of December?’  That is the day his dad died..  That truly would be the circle of life.

 

So many changes.  Mine included.   I am blissfully happy with ‘S’   I do not use names when I can help it.  Just know it’s good and he is a great man.  But, he himself is dealing with the loss of his wife of 22 years.  I still choke up when I watch his eyes when something comes up.  This is hard for him and rightfully so…. I try not to add any more grief to him.   This morning he was reflecting on her about something and I could see the sadness come over him.  I leaned over and whispered…… I’m sorry.  I really want him to stay.  I really like him.  But perhaps this is too soon.   I asked, you ok?   He smiled at me and answered, ‘I am in a good place, a really good place’.  My heart melted.

 

So as we begin a new month, continue the stages of grief, and welcome the news of our newest addition; I reflect on what is truly important.   You got it.  Life, how we live it, how we leave it, how we love it…  It matters;  and we only get one shot at it..