Dare I............

Dare I write one more time on death?  On where we go?  On what happens?  Should this be about spirituality?  I’m grasping at straws.

He is about to leave us.  His poor worn out body; ½ the size it was; his hair is gone, skin is grey and hasn’t spoken since yesterday morning.  Loss of most functions.  Well, except his heart… it’s still beating.  How, I do not know.

All of this has forced me to find answers to those obvious questions, where do we go?  What does he know right at this moment?  Can he hear us as we make those final plans?  The last tears?  Goodbyes?

In reading,  most say, yes.. He can hear.  Only God knows the hour, this I truly believe.

Whoa!  I can not do this today.  We are all sad.  He is leaving us.  He already has in spirit.  Count blessings, yes… count..1,2,3

 

That he was happy the day “M” married.  The smile just would not go away.  I am certain he knew the end was near but by God his child was good.  His child, the wild child, the n’er do good, child.  Yes, that one.  Walked down the isle and his proud dad watched and was truly glowing.  Did he know then?

That his precious grandkids had the best of relationships with “pawpaw”.  They love him unconditionally, as it should be.  He more than loved, he adored them.  Gave them most of what they wanted.. they will never know that again.  Never.  I just pray they can rise above his passing and see how truly wonderful that time with him was.

Kids……. They will be  heartbroken.  Who wouldn’t be at the loss of a parent.  In time both of them will be glad of the time with him, albeit short.  Even with his demeanor, which at times could be less than kind,  they could see the good; something I left behind long ago.

 

So………. Here God… he is yours (as if you didn’t already know that)! 

 

I won’t have my answers till I stand before God, and by then it won’t matter.  Thank you God for the 65 years you let this man walk on your earth…

Endings

Saying goodbye can be easy, bitter sweet or just plain hard.  Take a ride with me.

2014 was a better year in my life than so many before.  More healing, more challenges that I was willing to face, perhaps more of a spring in my step.  perhaps.

So, goodbye to the year, the holidays.... Memorial day (so many years ago my daughter headed to the hospital for the birth of my precious "S").  July 4th  another great holiday but also sharing that day is the death of my mother in 1995.  Labor day holds the memory of the death of my stepson, a lost soul who, hopefully is in a better place.  Halloween still holds the dubious honor of my favorite of holidays.  BOO!  Thanksgiving is just that.  Thankful for life today.. so much to look forward to.  It also marked the end of my marriage.  A bitter end.  A battle I can still fight internally if I allow it.
Christmas.  The birth of Jesus.  That in itself brings warmth... However this also brought the father of my children to the ER and the faster path to his end.  And here is where we are.

He wanted to fight to live.  That was 1 week ago.  Laying in a hospital bed in my son's house, hooked up to the oxygen that helps him breath.  Our pastor came to visit.  Within a few days he had been baptized therein sealing his place in heaven, which seems terribly close.

My children have watched him... my grandchildren cry.  Other family members come to see and perhaps say goodbye.  Everyone having their own memories to cherish or dismiss; whichever seems appropriate.  Mine, well mine are scattered at best.  I cry at the sight of his small grey body lying in a bed that offers no comfort.  Christmas was shared by all of us, his 2 kids, his 4 grandkids and me.  The one person that caused him way too much pain but welcomed all the same.  THIS is not about how bad I had been.  This is about how this ending found healing and love.....

So, 2014 is nearly gone.  Perhaps next December I will sit at this blog with hope beyond what I have right now.  Perhaps.

One thing I do know.  Life is so precious.  Part of me says 'how sad not to have figured that out earlier' the other side says Thank God  I have.

In this road of life...

Find the light no matter how dark it seems at the moment.

I had someone close to me tell me that she can tell by my blog how I am doing emotionally.  That when I don’t post she feels life must be going well.  In plain terms, she is right.

Today, life is good and I’m posting that.  I’m also going to add that life is scary too.

I took a bold stance this morning with someone in my life.  Bold and truthful; said with confidence and a strength that passed my own understanding.  For a minute it felt good.  However, in doing so it meant the recipient might retaliate and he did… for a moment.  It seemed it caught him off guard and I listened as he quickly regrouped and came back with resolve to acceptance.   As I relive that moment I am in awe of his process and how quickly he snapped back; in doing so I was able to continue with the obvious truth of the situation which had been ongoing.  That was early this morning.

As the morning stretched on, I was entertaining all sorts of possibilities.. where would this lead me (this new journey).  Who would I lean on?  What if……………….

I said to God………… (instead of crying to stop the pain and angst) well here we are, help me walk with grace and truth and strength.  I took several turns at praying that I relax.  Several stops at ‘don’t let me pour my anger and fear on anyone’ as I digest and swallow the cold hard facts.  If this is covered in some sort of secrecy that is intentional.  Surely we all have those feelings, those days, those moments……. Where do we let them take us?

I am holding on to the FACT that He will never leave me………… I can curl up in the knowledge that I am being led in my life in such a sweet way…. Acknowledging that somehow brings me solace.  Somehow.

I sat around last night with 3 of my girlfriends chatting up about men, dating and the whole scene.  How the ‘dance’ is awkward and painfully necessary and both parties (male and female) partake of their piece.  Interview if you will, if it be a first date.  I, for one, am not good at that and come to find out none of them either.  Hmmm.  Feeling connected in any situation to someone that has or is walking through the same scene… somehow wards off any feeling of aloneness.  I suppose that is a gift we all bring to the table.  The table of life…  Agree?

What? What?

It’s beginning to look a lot like……….

 

Really?  The stores have had Christmas music playing for weeks; they have had decorations up for several months, really?  Give us, the consumers a break!  I, for one, was not out shopping the day after Thanksgiving, nor the night before……  God bless those that did…

Speaking of Thanksgiving, with the sadness of a life slipping away, our dinner had that underlying quietness that comes from the unknown.  And it is, unknown.  We do not know our days on this earth, only that they are numbered.  What we have should be gratitude of having all of us together for that special day.  And we were.  Just looking down the long tables watching everyone eat and laugh and smile warmed my heart.  My grandkids made this so special.  My new daughter in law and of course my sweet daughter… Only one missing was the evil one (ok, that is harsh) that chose to stay away (SIL) and believe me, that was fine.  Take away is being grateful for today.

So, another crazy thing going on………. Granddaughter plays in her hs band and has for several years.  They have done so many fund raisers I can’t even count.   They are so excited about a trip in a few weeks to Tampa Florida to play at the Outback Bowl.  Now, here is the ugly truth.  The band director is an ass.  Seems he has been “helping’ himself to the ‘funds’.  Best speculation is between 6-10,000 dollars missing.  He has resigned and now been arrested for the theft.  That, while is part of it, will not return the $$ for these kids.  The boosters are helping and the school board is kicking in as well so hopefully they will enjoy the trip, the fun stuff (Disney world) and play their hearts out at the game.  They deserve it!  He has lost his job, the community respect and I suppose his own dignity over all this.  Oh and he did admit to having an alcohol problem.  YA THINK!

So, we slide into the last month of the year and the fastest paced one as well.  Everyone rushing here and there.  HMM, HMM… Slow down folks enjoy the moment.  I know I am trying too.