Trust the process……………………

Progress, not perfection……….

Trust the process……………………

Yadda Yadda Yadda……………….. 

I always write in first person.  I never refer to what “you” should do, I mean honestly, how would I know.  I tell this to woman I sponsor, I share what has worked and you have to find your own way.  That is what this post is about.  Finding my way.

I saw my therapist last night.  We discussed many things.  I went in feeling hopeless and left knowing someone else knew what I was going through.

We talked about trusting the AA program and the people that had gone before us.  And I did/do.  But I have seen my own results now.

We talked about many other things that we have watched others go through and seen them come out the other end.  We knew something worked.

So, where am I today?  I am trying to keep this generic.   Lets start with, if you never knew, you never knew. 

If you can define the problem, commite to a solution,   and then trust the process.

She reminded me that I am staying sober so the ‘program’ must be working.  Ok, I’ll buy that.

So, now we (i) have to relearn some serious behaviors or reactions to things around me.  (generic enough?)   Trust, trust, trust.

As I always say, what do you have to lose?

I’m in cause I have a lot to lose, just in my immediate future.  Job, kids, friends.   The way I have been lately I feel certain they don’t want to see me coming.  (joke, strictly a joke).

So, hang on…………. This may get bumpy!

 

Happy to See some Improvement

This has been a hard week.  Another run through the depression bs.  I found myself on my bedroom floor this morning, sobbing and wondering will this ever end?!

I decided to keep a journal daily about how I feel/what is going on, to see if there is a pattern.  Something tangible I can take to my therapist to see if she sees something I don’t.   I don’t know what is going to happen.  I cannot trust my emotions and frankly, they are beginning to scare me.

As I said, I want to keep a log (if you will) to see how often this happens.  All I know is the ups and downs are wearing me out.  :)

Anyway the point to this rambling is that this morning I looked for a small notebook I began in January 2005.  Not daily, but as often as I could I made an entry.  So, I flip through it and oh the misery inside.  I could feel the pain of the writer and wanted to cry.  Just what I needed on a day where nothing is making sense.  Of course 99% was about RJ and my marriage.  As I scanned page after page I was saddened by the words written by a woman so broken.  So, what started out as an emotional morning, started to change while reading her own words.  I was struck by the reality that I had truly come a long way.    That really gave me a shift in my emotions.  So, perhaps re-reading some of those pages was meant to be.

So, I will end here.  While the smile is on my face……   I’m not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be.

 

 

 

End of Summer

Blink and weeks go by.  Is it age that reminds us how quickly time goes by?  Was it youth that gave us those days when tomorrow never entered our minds?   I’ve experienced both and I must admit, age has crept up on me and slapped me into the reality that life is flying by.  Kids are grown.  Grandkids  also growing faster than I care to admit. 

And then there is my life.  Isn’t that what this blog is truly about. ME!  I am eeking along figuring this thing called life, one day at a time.  No morbid reflection here, but looking back I can see parts of my life were just crazy and running wide open.  Then when life settled down, I knew everything was just the way it was supposed to be (in my eyes).  All the dots lined up.  And then they didn’t.  I admitted to someone (outloud) the other day that I had been single almost 9 years.  Just hearing that took me aback.  But, again, this isn’t about whoa is me……….  Poor baby.   It’s about honest self appraisal.  Taking a GOOD look around and by God accepting who I am, where I am.  Hey, now that sounds inspirational!

The therapy lady has me reading an awfully arduous book.  The kind you hate to pick up, let alone read.  The title doesn’t matter but the subject matter is supposed to open my eyes to some ‘things’.  Jeez  more ‘things’… just what I wanted, but probably what I need.

The days are getting shorter quickly.  I have probably blogged about the dreaded ‘fall’ season.   The season that was my favorite.  Now, here I am coming up again on the pumpkins, falling leaves, smells that I adore but leave me sad.  Maybe this will be the year that I allow all that negativity to fall off me and breath in the sights and sounds of a marvelous time of year.  My precious ‘S’ plays in the marching band at school so there will be lots of football games to watch.  How fun!  Lots of bdays in the last 3 months of the year.  And lets not forget ALABAMA football.  Which totally consumes us during these months too.

Lots to be grateful for.  And I am.  I still chuckle and smile and allow that warmth of contentment swallow me when I look around the condo and know that I truly am blessed. 

 

Jj

Post Divorce era

So, I have been  separated since Nov. 2004, divorced since Feb 2005.  That is too long to be stuck!

I have been out on a few dates, but honestly dating at my age (??) is hard.  Especially when you feel so unwanted by “him”.   Anyway  I got on one of those dating sites and found, out of hundreds of locals a couple that caught my eye.  Oh, I have talked to several but usually I find them to be jerks.  So, I took a chance and met “R” one night.  Just coffee and then we went walked around a local outdoor market.  I tell you this; I had a great time.  I enjoyed every conversation we had prior to this meeting.  We talked about going to the movies another night.   He hugged me and off we went in different directions.  Now the kicker is I found out he knows a friend of my sons.  Long story- after asking what “he” thought of “R” I was told to run.  Run away.  He is a womanizer.  Uh! OH!  But, the fact is I was skeptical anyway.  But, he has not called since then.  Now, another fella  called.  Sorta interesting but we were going to go out last week.  With “R1 and R2” still on my mind (R2 is a long story) I just thought oh what the heck.  Ok, speeding it up I had to cancel.  Totally legit, but cancel.  We decided to go bowling and he was going to call me and tell me when.  I haven’t heard from him either. 

I give up.  I am just not up to the whole “dating” scene.  Now, that does not mean that if I knew someone well enough and then they asked me out I wouldn’t go…  But that has only happened a few times. 

Life is good though.  The lows are getting better.  Thank you God for meds.  I can think clearer and that is a good thing.  So, the above information is just that.  And totally unworthy of the time I have given it – to write this blog. 

So, my ad would read like this:  SWF  - Terrific age, fantastic personality, superb conversationalist, attractive, attentive, spontaneous, outgoing, fun loving, and open … just a little.   J

 

Weekends are made for...........................ME!

 

The weekend and what it means..

Oh it has been a long week.  Oh wait, aren’t they all?  I long for the day that I enjoy coming to work.  Don’t laugh!  Someone that I am very close to said he enjoyed everyday of his job.. until the company began to tear the system apart.  But I,,,, just want to want to be here.

So, it is the last month of summer.  That makes me sad in itself.  But wasting just one weekend day is unheard of.  I suppose that is why I pour so much into those 2 precious days.  Doesn’t everyone?

One of my absolute favorite things to do is swim.  Be at the pool.  Grandkids or not.  That is where I want to be.  If not that, then camping next to the river. 

But!  The other things of summer that seem to come to an end are:   cookouts…, yard work…., outdoor concerts….., water parks……, camping…………………  I could go on.

So, I have done a few of these.  However, the summer is closing in and there are some left to do.  Water park!! High on the list.   Camping will wait for cooler weather.  Sleeping in a tent in 75 temps (and that is at 4am) is too much.  So scratch that one.  So, we will see about the water park.  Yum!

So, the weekends also mean (to me) that it is my time.  No boss, no place to hurry to.  No people to please.  No early mornings.  Well forget that……. My mornings are always early.   

Weekends truly are made for ME!

Short and Sweet.........

Short and Sweet and To the Point………

Some days I skip wanting to write, other days I just run out of time.  When I don’t want to write it is usually because of the mundane crap that may have eaten my lunch.  Too much negativity kills the soul.

Therapist has me reading a new book.  “I thought it was me, but it Isn’t”  Making my journey from “what will people think” to “I am enough”.  By Brene Brown.    Yes, more self-awareness.  I guess if I live to be 80 I may always be investing in “me”.   Another really neat thing is a website called, “Ted Talks”.  Check it out.  Awesome. 

I know self-analysis can me arduous at best.  I also know that if I didn’t know, I don’t know.   I also have a friend that warns me, “stop taking your temperature”.  I hear that loud and clear.  Facts remain the same.  I can exist (and do) as a functioning person and still have my insides a fricking mess and smile at you and tell you I’m ok.  Until the scale tips too far in one direction and it seems for the past 2 years I have had some really hard emotional days. 

When I got sober the last time in 2007 those initial years were the best I have had in a while.  I may have struggled still with “him” but I knew that the pieces were falling into place.  After the summer of 2011 the peace that I sooo desire waned.  The more I looked the less I had.  I could not understand what was going on.  I still don’t but therapy and medication seems to help.  My brain still swims around in self misery. 

So, I will read the newest book, I will try to blog as frequent as I can and my life will go on.  I am neither unhappy nor sad.  I just am.  I wonder, is that a great place to be?

Oh Bother!