Love should heal, not hurt

When someone we love hurts, we hurt, right?  Isn’t that the human connection?

If we/I didn’t I would worry.  Seriously.   But do we ever cross that imaginary line between care and control.  Trying to ‘fix’ it for someone to ease their pain as well as our own.  Put the big red arrow right here, on me.  I am guilty. 

Ever been bullied by the school yard jerk?  Perhaps a relationship idiot that can’t take ‘no’ as an answer and proceeds to push their will on you?  Ever said to anyone, “I don’t have a voice in this”?  Wish you had someone in your corner?  The newest term, “go to person” comes to mind.   Well do you?  Are you? 

I have a true issue with this very thing.  A need, if you will, to be heard.  So, when appropriate I want to shout out loud.  When squelched I want to jump up and down to be seen AND heard.  Remember the movie Dirty Dancing?  No one puts Baby in the corner.  Well that applies to me too.    Not having a ‘voice’ is the worst of all.

What does that connect to?  Feeling less than?  Like we don’t matter?  Absolutely.

Seems that is a reacurring theme with me.  But!  I’m aware and working to live beyond that.  Slowly.

I fear my precious grandkids have this same issue.  It crushes me to see them hurt but I know they can not be protected all the time. 

Life………… Where would we be without it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

What am I thankful for?  What about you?  When I look around today I see a plethra of folks that don't give a rip about society.  I see the masses devouring lives as if they were nothing.  A non entity.  A homeless man yelled out to the cars in the drive thru where I also sat, waiting for my turn.  Hey, anyone have a dollar?  I turned away.  Not becuase of the money but because I get annoyed.  Hmmm.  As I drove around the building I was saddened by that.  Annoyed at someone that needed something to eat?  Really?
Or did HE really?  Case in point; someone I know lived off of panhandling for months.   Gave me the inside scoup on how they work the system.  He said in a few hours he could accumulate more than if he worked for several days 8 hrs a day.  that is your money and mine.  And that is something I struggle with.  If i hand you MY hard earned money what YOU do with it is non of my business.  What IS MY business is do I give it or not?  Choosing not does not make us/me/you a bad person.  I suppose my gratitude is that I am not homeless.  Far from it.  But I do not look down on those that are.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  my 8th alone.  On the 27th (next week) rj and I would be celebrating 21 years of marriage.  Now, I can dwell on the negative, poor me side or smile and say, thank you God for rewriting the end of that misery.  Now moving on is a whole different story.

Thanksgiving.  When I was a kid I loved the holidays.  As screwed up as my family was I knew that during that time it just seemed everyone was happy, if only for  a minute.  I have mentioned this before but for a few years we would go to my aunt and uncle's house to eat.  Afterwards we would rush to their basement and watch March of the Wooden Soldiers.  A laurel and hardy escapade.  But I loved it.  I loved the atmosphere.  That of which i remember.  My parents had already separated so I'm sure my mother was still reeling from that pain.  My grandparents would come too.  So it was a houseful of kids and adults.  And this may freak my cousin out but I still remember they had a yellow lab named Timmy and a black cat named Cricket.  Funny the stuff we remember, huh. 

So for those few short years those were my favorite times. 

For those without families or those with families that are disconnected, for those folks without a home or money for food, moms without husbands, children without clothes... you get the picture, right?  Treasure what you have, give to those that don't.  A smile goes a long way but won't feed a hungry child. 

Stop and give thanks for what we/me have but look beyond and give of yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving

Jj

what will your mark be?

Will we leave a mark when we are gone?  Does what we do today touch the lives or make a difference in any way?  I hope so.  Not because I want people to grieve any more or less, but to leave a lasting memory to those I cherish.
A friend died suddenly the other morning.  Probably a massive heart attack.  Sad at best.  He leaves behind a host of friends and family to mourn and ask themselves, "will that be me next?"  Why is it that death brings us to a closer reality than anything we experience.  A reality of mortality.  It brings up reflection of who we are (after the reminiscing of who they were), what will happen to my family or just a smidgen of a glance at the impact our lives have made on those that knew us. 
Is that when it should begin?  Is that when we grab hold of who we are and begin to either make a change or increase our benefit to society thing?  God I pray that when I leave this earth that those around me can say, "good life, good person"
I do not think we should give of ourselves to get.  No, that is not the deal.  But giving of myself gives me great joy but knowing that somewhere someone will extend their hands to the next, and the next and so on.  Think of the old Travelers Ins commercial.  We are all truly connected (when we choose to be).
I for one, do not think God picked me out of my ruineous life to be a brick in the wall.   I want to be of service to anyone that I see in need.  ANYONE.  A hug, a smile, a word of encouragement (all free, all free).  Time seems to be an issue.  Giving of my time.  But I'm working on that one.  Money?  Well that is an area that I am just now addressing.  Gift of money in a quiet envelope.  Donations to Red Cross.  Now keep in mind as I do too, that no giving shall be done for benefit of oneself.  He sees and He knows our hearts.  My heart. 
I am beginning to love the people around me.  Beyond family.  Ok, work is still a work in progress.  I ask daily to forgive those that have harmed me and more importantly to be forgiven of hurts done to others, either known or unknown.  No longer playing the victim, I am now accountable for who I am.  How I treat others. 

If life is defined by what we own, then mine is lacking.  If life is defined by what we give, then mine is growing.  If life is defined by how our heart breaks for so many, then mine cries for mercy.  It is truly a gift we are given, now go share and let God direct our day.

Jj

Stand up, stand tall. YOU are worth it!

How painful is it;  to remain the same (stuck like glue) or take the action and walk through fear inspite of pain. 
Today I took a painful, fearful action.  Work.  Hate it.  Hate the jerk I work with.  Male dominated fricking jerks.  I can't say that enough.  Today was just like most of the others.  The "big D" pushing me into that dark corner again.  I can't fight this any longer.  Deep breathe.  Keep my mouth shut... and shut... and shut... Oh the hell with it.
Here is the deal.  MY deal.  I am important.  If not there then inside me.  I am important to my children, grandchildren, and family.  I realized after this episode today that I have been so blocked in that my whole personality was shut down.  I am so sad for me. 
Here is the deal (again).  so how do we learn in anything?  being taught?  taking chances?  well I've done the latter.  I have also begged to be taught in my job.  To NO avail.  What is wrong with someone that wants you to stay all bound up.  YOU DO NOT MATTER he screams without words. 
After many many bumps and bruises I told him no more.  That I was not going to do this anymore.  At first i was shaky.  I was fearful.  See I do not do conflict.  Not unless I am pushed to the edge.  And I am day after day.  What will he think if i stand up for myself?  Which I did.  It ended with me with huge crocidile tears voice as shakey as I have ever been there.  I couldn't get much out except  I was done.
He got quiet.  He said................. Don't get upset.   Dont' get upset.  Nothing is worth that.  He was kind.  I saw it in his eyes.  Human?  Nah.  
But I,  I    I stood up and said this is unacceptable.  HUH?  Me?  Wow.  God help me, God save me.  God  you know better than all my heart. 
It will never be a safe place to work.  It is not my place to rest.  It pays my bills but my self esteem is greatly compromised.  My spirit damaged. 
Does work have to be synonymous with hate?  Or any word close to that?  NO.  It will not be much longer.  I can not tell you the prayers, tears and compromise to be able to walk through that door daily.  This isn't living.  This is pain to the max. 
If I come out the other side it will not be unscarred but it will be a learning experience for me. 
I am worth so much to the ones that are my life.  And work is not part of that.

I just pray to the God that loves me more than I love my life........... 

Keep me safe until you move me.

Jj

Holidays and such

One week before Thanksgiving.  Am I truly thankful?  I believe I am.  Although I have a habit of focusing on the negative side.  I am working on that and know that I am better than I was.
Daughter cooks and what a spread.  I only have to contribute a few pies and bring myself.  AND they don't let me help clean up.  How much simpler and enjoyable can it be?  And this year for the first time in awhile the man child will be there.  Clean, sober and a part of.  My world seems complete.

Out of school all next week and when we come back we have 3 weeks and then finals.  I will get about a 3 week break.  I am already online checking out my spring semester classes.  See I do have renewed energy for this.  The negative side of me wants to say, 'yeah it won't last'.

Brother is living alone after his quickie divorce this summer.  I asked him to come eat with us.  He declined.  I hope he finds something to do.  I can't imagine being alone.  And really he has as big of a family as all of us do and if he chooses to be alone/stay alone then it is his choice.

I have in the past fixed a big plate of stuff for RJ.  He has a sister here but they do not see each other for Thanksgiving.  As a matter of fact, he will be alone.  His son lives in NC and they are not interested in connecting for the holidays.  How pitifully sad is that?

Speaking of 'him'.  We are going to Nashville in December for a few days.  My idea, his companionship and a great city to hang out in.  Should be (operative word being should) fun.  No expectations on my part.

Work is not good.  Still feeling very attacked.  Very put down.  I am searching hard and fast for employment else where.  Prayfully I hope that happens soon.  It is really hard for me to stand up to all this mean ness.  I lick my wounds like a dog cast aside and retreat into a cubed space that isn't a safe place at all.  I have to remind myself that others are sick too.  And unfortunately it is really taking a toll on me, work wise.

Sister in ICU again after a surgery yesterday.  Totally detached from her and her family.  Sadly enough that is her choice.  We sit back and watch or hear of her pieces falling apart.  From what I've been told she has lost an extreme amount of weight.  When asked why she responded with a lie.  So, life hasn't changed for her and the rest of us just sit by helpless.

  Enjoy this fall day.  Our leaves are falling fast!!!

Don't blink

Life can come at ya quick.  Then we blink and years have come and gone.  I was thinking about that yesterday.  Someone asked me how old my twin grandkids are.  When I answered 10 my mind took me back to that day.  Then of course it circled all around the years that followed.  Encompassing all the years I have been blessed with grandkids.  And how many changes have occurred.  Not just in my life but theirs as well.  At times I feel sad watching them change right before my eyes.  Those precious innocent babies that are loosing some of that.  Life for them will never be what it was for me growing up.  The world is just not a good place anymore.  Now, I'm not being an 'eyore' but that is the truth.  Kids disapear all the time.  Bad things happen to them and their families.  Scary as hell.

How do you protect them?  How can you say, 'please turn off those electronic devices and let's talk'?  They will never know the fun it was to ride a stick pony.  Play kick the can till after dark.  Roll down the hill inside a tractor tire.  Pick apples right off a tree and eat them without washing them!  You catch my drift, right?

All of our childhoods are different.  But really they are all the same as far as growing up goes.  But as generations change things become cloudy to the elders.  Kind of like when my grandfather would sit at his kitchen table and scratch his bald head and yell at the radio.  "the worlds gone to hell" and he meant it.  Well I don't know if I would go that far........... or should I. 

Life  like it or not................. it's here and gone.

Naked before all

She lifts her head up but only for a moment

Life has ravaged her sanity, her dignity

He walks away with the certainty that life will go on

She stands alone waiting for the screaming to end

Before she realizes there is no sound.

She wonders silently does time age us or does life

Or does it matter?  To anyone as they bustle by her

She is naked to the world but they can’t see

Their own lives are too filled with their own insecurities

Her thoughts race and then they disappear

Into a sea of hostility, hardly able to breathe

Even from a distance he watches, afraid

Afraid to turn away, she might go away…… forever

She wants too. She thinks perhaps then the pain will be over

Pain for whom?  They’ll be sadness all around

Just not from those that knew her at the end

Those that hurt and abused the quietness of her soul

The very people that deemed her unworthy of their time

The air that they breathe. 

So this is the call to them, to those that see and still do

Cover their shame with a cloak as dark as her spirit.

She is gone and tomorrow they will forget all they had done.

November 5th. Election day.

Why vote?  Why not?  What for?  Will it make a difference? 

Ever asked yourself these questions?  I have.   I was always the one that proudly stated, “I don’t care who wins” and I honestly meant it.  After all won’t your vote cancel out mine?  Why bother was my mentality.  Riding on the coat tails of a family that didn’t go to church or vote.  Huh.  Ok.  I get it.

Does my voice really matter?  Today it does, to me.  In my English class we have been forced (ok, jokingly, asked) to write several papers on this election.  I loved doing the research.  Never, never vote based on what you read or hear.  Do your own research.  I found it to be fascinating.  Someone that wouldn’t vote will now be at the polls bright and early.

Now, I have a split family.  Some Demo’s others not.  I was surprised to see the division.  What I found was that (ok, you probably already know this) blue collar votes Democratic; white collar goes the opposite direction.  So, I made a choice 4 years ago that I wanted to see change.  So, I voted Democratic.  Shshshshshsh.  I was proud to do so too.  Fast forward 4 years.  I am dismayed at all the politicals musings.  He said, He did.  Shut up! 

So, after that election I saw things I did not like.  So, I decided that the liberal demos just were not where I was headed.   I worked for Republicans for many years and began to believe what they “said”.  I had no moral high ground for myself so this seemed to make perfect sense.  I could see the shift going on right before my eyes.  Ha!  Again, following behind someone elses beliefs.  And still ignorant of that fact. 

Alright speeding time up; I eventually landed in the land of misfit toys.  I have decided (for myself) that after 3.5 years of bantering between political lines it got deeper and deeper.  And I did not like what “they” were saying.  Ugly, rude, untruthful statements.  

Finally about a few weeks ago I decided based on life facts;  I am a democrat.  YOU are MY people.  I am from that side of the tracks.  I did grow up with a modest home but still poorer than the kids around us.  But I now know that for me that makes the most sense.  I am not less than but equal and I’ll be damned if the Republican tribe would like to see us hurded up and put out to pasture.  That we are to stupid to make good decisions.  Well BS to you.  Cause I know what I am and believe.  YOU?  All people deserve to live harmoniously on this earth.  I know now that living in this environment (work) has pushed me to a place of acceptance.  And boy does it feel good

Is it real or in my head?

Some days things just suck.  Suck just the way they are.  But do they have too?  Now I'm not talking about the lives of all those affected by Hurricane Sandy.  No, things are horrible for them.  And who knows for how long.  the pictures just keep coming in.  Unbelievably painful to watch; I can't imagine living it.

No, I'm talking about having so much head noise that I can't see beyond it.  just yet.   Somedays it seems so right.  It seems to align with those forces that be.  But lately I fear more and more to be unsettled, more and more.  Too busy?  Too much associated with the angst of school?  When one area is out of wack it seems to permiate the air. 

I am grateful to be sober.  That always is priority.  I have begun to search out other options for meetings which is good. 

Over the past week or so work has gotten really sick (ening).  I just can't force myself past the male mentality here.  What I told myself this morning is the only thing I like about this job is the paycheck.  When did that happen?  How?  What now?

Action to take?  Maybe.  Inaction probably more appropriate.  Do  no harm.  Even to myself.  But right now, right this minute I am oozing meaness out.  I want to scream at the son of a bitches that I am worth something.  And that is what I talked to God about this morning.  My worth.  True worth is not, can not be measured by the friction here.  Nor anywhere. 

How to get to that point?  Acceptance?  Maybe.  Fighting against this or trying to stand up for myself is really hard.  I have tried here.  Several times and get smacked back down.  So, pavlov's dog, how many times are you going back? 

I am a great worker.  I am good with people.  I want to work.  I have something to offer.  But it is becoming increasingly apparant it isn't needed or wanted here.  I want to spit at both of them and walk the hell out.
Yeah that aint' happening.  I look online at jobs all the time.  I will get a professional to update my resume to show how awesome I am (tee hee).

This isn't the only show on earth and it certainly is not the greatest.  So, for today, I will keep my mouth shut but my eyes wide open.  Looking up, knowing He is shaping me daily, minute by minute.  You know how I know that?  Because if He wasn't I would have told that &^%^& to go fu$# himself.  That is who I am without God at the helm.  But damn how good that would feel to stand up and say,  I am too good to work here.  Just once.  And then walk to my car with a smile that no one can take away.

Yawn........ am i waking from a bad dream or daydreaming? 

Points to ponder can be useful or wasteful.  you decide.

For me...........  I will usher in thoughts of pride (right sized), incredible strength and assuredness that comes from one place.  HIM.

Aging is inevitable

I rear alot and love it.  That wasn't so for many years.  However, the other night in class we had to read this poem and write about it.  I was so moved by her words and the feelings it evoked as well as what if pulled out of me that I wanted to share it.  I hope I am not doing something unethical by posting it.
Certainly gave me many thoughts to ponder, what about you?

·         "Ethics" by Linda Pastan

 

In ethics class so many years ago 

our teacher asked this question every fall

if there were a fire in a museum
which would you save, a Rembrandt painting
or an old woman who hadn't many
years left anyhow? Restless on hard chairs
caring little for pictures or old age
we'd opt one year for life, the next for art 
and always half-heartedly. Sometimes
the woman borrowed my grandmother's face
leaving her usual kitchen to wander
some drafty, half-imagined museum. 
One year, feeling clever, I replied
why not let the woman decide herself?
Linda, the teacher would report, eschews 

the burden of responsibility. 
This fall in a real museum I stand
before a real Rembrandt, old woman,
or nearly so, myself. The colors
within this frame are darker than autumn,  

darker even than winter - the browns of earth,
though earth's most radiant elements burn 
through the canvas. I know now that woman 

and painting and season are almost one
and all beyond saving by children.