Start my day over

There is a kind man in my home group that has over 35 years of sobriety.  He always says, you don't like the way your day is going.......... start it over.  Get a cup of coffee.
Hence my post.  What started off as a normal day, i.e. up at 4am, off to the gym b4 5, work out till 6:30 (am) and home to shower and ready for work.  It's been a routine for about 3 years now. 
Well the man child who is living w/ me was dilly dallying this morning as most mornings.  At the last minute he jumps up to make his lunch.  He already seemed angry and has been for over a week.  I dare as anything about it.  Anyway he ended up dropping an ice tray and got really angry.  threw his lunch cooler down and said....  *&% it!  Really?  WTH.  He left it all and just grabbed his keys and said to hell with lunch.   Well ok then.  Until he slammed the front door as hard as he could.  You know the behavior,  I'm pissed and I am going to let the world know.  And maybe they will take me on and I can drag them down with me!  I was furious.  He had to come back for something he left and I said  DO NOT slam that door again.  And he didn't.  However, the more I thought about it the angrier I became.  So I texted him and told him that I was raised in an alcoholic home where anger and rage were part of our everyday lives.  So much so that I chose the same kind of person to marry and realized that after a few years.  I bolted.  I have not shared my home again w/ that kind of anger except with him.   I will not, can not tolerate it.  And I told him that.  He got angrier and blew up the text of my phone............
I have rights although our big book cleary talks about it.  This isn't to correct his behavior.  It's to gain perspective on me.  But, i will not excuse such an outburst.  And that is where I am right now.
I'm not angry anymore.  I really do not think that was about the ice tray.  I think it was something else.  What,  I don't know.

Currently I am sitting at my desk at work. Quietly.  Peacefully.  I may have let that deter my hour earlier but not my day. 

Cup of coffee........... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Not Mine to Fix

Sliding into trouble.  The man child.  He got fired from the job yesterday.  Gave me a bunch of bs about why, blah blah blah.  Well then he tells me that he went back.  Then I find out that wasn't true.  I am sick.  I knew him being sober was a pipe dream.  God right now I just want to throw up.  It means more trouble then I want him out of my house.  Listen to me rant.  I am beyond consoling.  I just want and need, yes need for him to be ok.  And he isn't.  His life is so damaged that I believe he doesn't see any way out.  Perhaps he brought this on himself (being fired)  I can't read through his lies. 
I can't take another romp through the thievery (if  it comes to that). 

I am sick and want to go stick my head under the covers.  God I know you are in control.  I pray you save him from his demons which include himself. 

I am sorry to post such a pitiful rant.  Right now I am so full of sadness, grief, you name it. 

It's a beautiful Friday afternoon.  The work week is just about over.  My 4 grandkids will spend the night with me and we will swim and hang out tomorrow.  I have to move beyond my fear. 

God I offer all of my life and fears and emotions to you.  Please take away this pain and above all help me to accept the man child is not mine to fix.   Help me to love him as you do.  I pray I can continue offering him love but tough love if needed.

God you brought me through THE most difficult time of my life.  Stood me up on solid ground.  I know and believe you will do that for anyone that reaches out to you in faith.  Thank you for allowing me the gift of sobriety and a life I never dreamed possible.

How will I view life?

It's all in the way we look at things.  And for me, unfortunately it takes extra effort to look for the positive.  EXTRA!  I am currently on a med change.  Or addition as it may.  It doesn't seem to be making any difference as my daily life is so full of depression.  I can only pray and hope that this will begin to level out as the meds begin to do their work.  It's been 2 weeks and starting today I had to increase the dose by 25mg. 
Lots of sadness going on in the lives around me.  A friend in the program has brain cancer.  That just kills me.  He is such a good guy.  A sober guy.  And then Wham!  Really?  I made the comment that I didn't get sober to get sick.  As if I had any control over that.  He is in surgery now.   I pray for his strength and peace for his family which includes his girlfriend of a year or so who is also in this program.

Really trying to focus the maintenance and growth of my spiritual condition.  That alone could eleviate this sadness from within.  Thank God it doesn't stay 24/7 or I'd be nuts.  But I have more hours in the day that are sad, than anything else.

As I read this  morning I tried to absorb what I was reading, not just read.  More than words as the song goes. 

I have to put feelings aside when it comes to how I will act, respond.  But that is extremely hard and a learned behavior.  I will keep asking for help.

Did go to the gym early this morning.  Got in a 40 minute cardio workout and a 30 minute weights.  That always lifts my spirits!

Think happy today

Control over my thoughts?  Are you kidding?  How?  I was listening to a speaker earlier.  She said we can and should watch our thoughts because they become our actions.  Ok, I get that.  But how do you fight the subliminal crappy thought life?  So she shared that she had to (notice the past tense) train herself.  Over and over and over and over..........  Bad thought replaced with truth (from God's word).  But we have to know what the truth is.  Perhaps it 's our own truth.  I.E.  I'm uncomfortable with people who challenge my decision making.  It makes me feel bad about myself.  So, truth is it does not need to take me down the path of "i'm so stupid".  Thats MY thinking.  Ok, God take over.  mmmmmmmmmmmmm (that's me hunkered down waiting on God).  Well HE created me.  He knew me before I was formed in the womb, He knew what he was getting when he brought me to the program of AA.  HE, HE, HE.  tee hee.  Calm you silly self down.  Your enough in His eyes.  Do the other people matter?  Well, somedays yes.  It's been a tough week. 
My thinking has raced all over the place.  good, bad, why live, who cares, he hates me, its my fault...  Yup go ahead.  Put yourself down. 
And then tell God he made a mistake.  Really?  You want to do that?  

Ok head.  Calm down.  REad passages that reaffirm what is deep inside of you.   Your enough. 

HE loves me, He really does.   And I get to stay sober all day.   And somewhat calm.

Outside Help

Sometimes we require outside help.  Our book says so.  We don't have all the answers.  My emotions had gotten so out of wack that even if I knew the right thing to do or say the only thing that seemed to stay constant was tears and sadness.  I began to worry myself.  So, I finally made the call.   I had an assessment done.  Sounds like your depressed.  Really?  No shit!  Anyway I have so many childhood issues that the steps just couldn't erase.  So I have begun the dreaded "therapy" word.   First step was to see a doc.  She changed or added to my meds.  May take a few weeks to know if that is helping.  But when you scare you, you know it's bad. 
Other than that lets see;  met a guy and agreed to go to coffee w/ him.  however after talking to him on the phone for 40 minutes and listening to him beat on his chest I was disgusted.   I let him know today that I am no longer interested.  Coffee or otherwise.  Of course he called me earlier and asked if we could talk.   Uh, no.

Going to the Jr college again after work.  I have my classes picked out  for fall but my registration isn't complete.  It says there are things missing.  So, once again I will head out there to see what I need to do. 

Son had court today.  Got a 30 day suspended sentence and 1 yr probabtion.  oh and a fine.  Always a fine.  But this isn't the biggee.  He has a bad one that is still looming.  Good news is he is sober 30 days.  And actually he is fun to be around.  Good thing since he is my housemate for the time being.
Those steps really do change our lives, our thinking.  But being willing is the key.  Willing to try, to quit fighting, to be openminded.  To believe in a power much more powerful than any drug or drink.  That in itself is a huge deal.

I stay sober, one day at a time with Gods grace and mercy.  Grace being His power, not mine.

Running in too many directions

Go back to school in the fall?  Change jobs?  Move?  All of these are truly life changing events and I am looking at all 3 within the same time frame.  Am I excited?  Hmmm.  Afraid?  Yes.   Afraid that I am not making good decisions.  I can't stand the thought of moving again.  I think I have addressed that here b4.  Since my divorce I have moved 5 times.  That is within 7.5 years.  I want to get somewhere and stay put but buying a house is not going to happen this year. 
School?  Now this is a scary proposition.  I want so badly to have marketable skills beyond what I have now.  I want back in the private sector where I would be given more opportunities and training to better myself.  But where to begin.  If school were free (grant) this would not be a big deal.  But it's not.  It's 100% on me.  That terrifies me.
That ties into the job thing.   So............ what to do?
Asking for guidance from God is where I begin.  But when the noise gets too loud I get scared I won't do the right thing.  I had a sponsor tell me many times (several years ago)  so what if you make the wrong choice.  Nothing is etched in stone.  My fear is it will set me back into financial worry (more so than now). 
So........  Pondering my life choices will wear me out. 
You ask why move?  Well my lease is up in Oct (end of Sept).  after 5 years here (2 of which have been in the 2 bedroom I'm in now) I want a house or rather a condo (they have pools).  that is do able.  I pay my car off soon and that is another motivator.  I long for a place of my own that I can paint if I want, plant flowers, decorate to my hearts (and purse) content. 
Today none of this has to be decided.  So I will walk with confidence that God is guiding me.  I will hold my head up without fear the job will suck me dry.  I will ask for help w/ the relationship I can't walk away from. 
Can God change all this?  Yes.  Will I let Him?  Jeez I'll try.