I posted that this morning on a social site. It is true. I may have my heart broken but I am not heartbroken. Life changes. That is certain. My son is spending more time in jail than out. But that is his deal. Not mine. However sad I feel over his choices I remind myself many times over that I did not put him there.
I am re-reading the bb. An action I did not do without a push. The actions of my son spun me out of control over the past months. Knowing but not being able to keep myself from "giving in" to him and not allowing him to find his bottom. So I went to an Alanon meeting. Actually this is my 5 or 6th. But not in a row. Not even in a month. But over the past 5 or so.
I asked a woman to take me through the steps for relief. To survive. So, here i sit, ready to begin.
I did not trust the process of AA when I stumbled in. But I do now. So, that is where I will begin w/ Alanon. But then distrust is my companion. I am amazed how close I keep it. How often I use it.
The man and I are off again. He wants me to find someone to love, to marry. Huh, so do I. While I'm hardly ever lonely, I do not like not sharing my life with someone. He was the one that knew me the best. Warts and all. And if my distrust in the world around me was imminent, the trust of him was powerful.
So, I ask God to help me daily. I ask for help for my son and others . I sometimes beg but mostly I sit in prayer and ask.
So this process I tell you about is just that. P-R-O-C-E-S-S. Sound it out, spell it out. It still means the same. So it's not the word, it's the meaning behind it...............
I could very easily go back home and take a l-o-n-g nap. It's raining and thundering. Dark and dreary. But that is out of the question. So, here I sit........ at work...........typing.
I asked God to keep me sober. Ask God for clarity. Then I put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. Hey wait! Where did I hear that before?
No comments:
Post a Comment