I can not, nor will not stand in judgement

One of my precious sponsee's called me yesterday histerical.  she had drank the night b4.  She was incredibly upset.  After listening to her cry I finally said,  "step one"  "step one".  She has fought such a hard fight.  terrible upbringing and I mean terrible.  suffice to say she has no family (that she associates with).  Young and vulnerable.  Fighting another disease that tells her to starve herself.  She has it coming and going.
So she picked up a 1 yr medallion in Nov.  There is the miracle of the program.  While she is away being treated for her ED I could hear her slipping away.  Taking the focus off of the program.  No talk ever of spriituality.  While I didn't see this coming,  I wasn't surprised.
I have learned this lesson.  I can NOT live without God.  I can try to "be good" on a daily basis and do good deeds and try to love those around me (event he unloveable) and still feel yucky on the inside.  So, inviting God into my life allows me the room to breath.  He is in control  not I.
The wayward son is out of jail.  Going to meetings (yeah) and seems so much happier.  WELL we all do (for a minute) when we quit running on empty.  But there is more work to do.  This program seems simple but learning to let go of who I was is THE hardest thing I can do.  I say can in the present tense... it's today that I'm in.  Today that matters.  I layed yesterday to rest last night about 10:00.  Today began at 6 and it is good. 

Good to be sober.  Good to be content.  Good to be available.  All because of the grace of God.

LET GO damn it!

Yes, let go.  Let go after a relationship ends, let go of the dreams you wanted for people that can not live up to them; let go of the delusion that I can, in anyway, MAKE this stuff happen.  What a lark  AND what a realization.  I CAN'T. 
I have had a bad week.  Son in jail for another drug related offense; man and I are over, and sister is in ICU.  So, today is Friday and I am so glad.  It's been hard sitting at my desk wracked in pain and not being able to let it out.  No tears, no nothing.  And believe me  THAT is hard.
I slept horrible last night.  up and down all night and finally stayed up at 4:30am.  Did not go to the gym.  Just took time to catch up on "things".
Life isn't always fair but sober I can at least be present to participate...

Quiet in my Soul

After the life happenings of the past week,  I have quietness inside right now.  My son, while not where I would want him to be, is safe and fed.  The ex boyfriend (of sorts) heartache is not beating me down, right now.  I had a terrific workout at the gym this morning.  My workout buddies have decided they will do the mini triathlon.  This morning they asked me to begin training with them.  M-W-F 4am to run 3 miles and bike 6.  And that is b4 doing our normal body pump workout.  Then on Saturday mornings we will begin the swimming part.  I will try.   I will give it my best shot.  Hopefully my knee won't get upset.
I read some morning meditation that just filled my soul.  Basically talking about faith.  How to "grow" in faith.  It meant a lot to read what I had been thinking about.  Sometimes getting in the "hallway" is scary when my faith seems to be distant.  However, God always shows up.  ALWAYS.

I may be sad but I am not down

I posted that this morning on a social site.  It is true.  I may have my heart broken but I am not heartbroken.  Life changes.  That is certain.  My son is spending more time in jail than out.  But that is his deal.  Not mine.  However sad I feel over his choices I remind myself many times over that I did not put him there.
I am re-reading the bb.  An action I did not do without a push.  The actions of my son spun me out of control over the past months.  Knowing but not being able to keep myself from "giving in" to him and not allowing him to find his bottom.  So I went to an Alanon meeting.  Actually this is my 5 or 6th.  But not in a row.  Not even in a month.  But over the past 5 or so.
I asked a woman to take me through the steps for relief.  To survive.  So, here i sit, ready to begin. 
I did not trust the process of AA when I stumbled in.  But I do now.  So, that is where I will begin w/ Alanon.  But then distrust is my companion.  I am amazed how close I keep it.  How often I use it.
The man and I are off again.  He wants me to find someone to love, to marry.   Huh, so do I.  While I'm hardly ever lonely, I do not like not sharing my life with someone.  He was the one that knew me the best.  Warts and all.  And if my distrust in the world around me was imminent, the trust of him was powerful. 
So, I ask God to help me daily.  I ask for help for my son and others .  I sometimes beg but mostly I sit in prayer and ask.
So this process I tell you about is just that.  P-R-O-C-E-S-S.  Sound it out, spell it out.  It still means the same.  So it's not the word, it's the meaning behind it...............
I could very easily go back home and take a l-o-n-g nap.  It's raining and thundering.  Dark and dreary.  But that is out of the question.  So, here I sit........ at work...........typing.

I asked God to keep me sober.  Ask God for clarity.  Then I put one foot in front of the other and keep walking.  Hey wait!  Where did I hear that before?

Cleaning up the wreckage

I brought into my sober life a junk load of bad debt.  Some of which have been taken care of.  I bought a car 6 years ago.  I wasn't always the best of payor but I have managed to get that straight and was looking forward to the last payment, which I thought would be early summer.  I found out yesterday that the loan was 4 months longer than I realized and that it will be 11 more months.  I was sick.  I held that inside which allowed it to fester to "your worthless".   It's that old thinking that must be overcome by my new truths.  The fact is I have paid on this car for 6 years.  Yeah!  Other debts still linger including some new ones.  I do the best I can at taking care of them as I can.  If it hadn't been for MC posting that it took her 10 years of financial amend making to get it done, I probably would feel like giving up.  Which is crazy.   I mean this doesn't own me.  My credit rating is symbolic of a life I left behind.  So, taking it a piece at a time is what I can do.  I ask God for the strength to continue to do the right thing which is paying them. 
So, I relax.  Take it easy.  I am no longer running the show.  I won't allow my feelings to tell me how I am doing.  They have never been reliable so why start now?
Being sober means I am walking through this "life" stuff one day at a time. 

I am a sober woman of God.  I pray daily, read meditation books, recommit my life to Him daily.  Some days things are as they should be and all seems well, others....... well not so much.
I have been in the rooms of AA since Dec 30, 2006.  With a couple of 1 year medallions.  a 2,3 &4 yr medallions and then wham I am back working on that 1 year AGAIN.  Does that make me less of a person?  Of course not.  And that is what I have to tell myself. 
Feeling connected to a power not just any power but God I feel alive. 
I am praying for some changes in my life.  Work, personal.  I want to take a leap of faith and go to school.  yes at 53.  How crazy is that?  But somewhere inside of me is that yearning of acomplishment.  Something that is mine.  Sounds good in theory.  So how do I begin?  Baby steps.  Lots of prayer.  And just do it.
Financially this will be a strain.  It scares me to be indebted for somethign I can't hold on to.  So I will make an appt. with an advisor and go from there. 
I am curious but timid.  But I will not stop praying for an intuitive thought or action.  I'm ready to take that leap.

Thank you God.........

I made the comment a little over a week ago that I was tired of raising my hand in meetings in regards to willing to sponsor.  That I wanted to spend time on me and really just be stuck in self centerdness.   Half jokingly of course.
Last week, BAM!  2 new sponsees.  New ones.  One coming back after a bad relapse and the other is 18 years old and relapsed out of a short stint in rehab followed by a halfway house. 
What's wrong with them?  Why can't they stay sober?  Well our literature tells us that in order to get their we must get into the solution. 
A) I have a problem
B) I can not change that problem (alone)
C) If I can't?  Then I better find a power great enough to do so.
How am I to find that power?  Through clearing out the mess in our heads and our lives.  Steps 4-9 are the best tools any of us have found.  But we have to begin.  We can't wish away our disease.  We can not sleep away, drink away, cry away...............  But there is one who has all power.  That one is God.  May you find him now!  That sounds so simple, right?  Well if the noise in our heads is so loud we can't hear, then it is.
When I take an honest self appraisal I find many things about ME that I didn't know.  Is this why I can't stay sober?  Keep going.  I complete that inventory, share it with another and begin the arduos task of repairing the damage caused others. 
If any of these steps are skipped then our sobriety will be miserable.  And I have had enough misery.  And I pray these two wonderful gifts from God have too.
I heard myself saying to a family member this weekend, "I have fun no matter what I'm doing".  All thanks to this program.   Getting rid of self, doing no further harm,  and when fear, resentment, self absorbtion creep back in, tell someone.  Break the bubble of silence!
I say this ALL the time, If sobriety wasn't a better deal none of us would be here.  But it is.  We are reasonably happy and comfortably sober.  And people don't lock up their valuables when I'm around. 
So, God saw fit to place these two sweet ladies in my path.  Praying they stay until the miracle happens. 

:)

Troubles, he has seen troubles.........

The man child that I call my son is missing (again).  This is getting really bad.  Jails (already), institutions (yes) and finality of death.  I pray to a God that got me sober to please help him find his way.  He did a short stint during the summer and seemed to be content.  But after checking out he went right back (of course he did).  He is worse now than ever. 
I try not to think about him.  Where he is, what is he doing.  Of course having his face plastered on the 6oclock news several weeks ago (calling him by name followed by  "a homeless man") made me want to throw up.  When will enough be enough.  I have a program that helps me to get through this.  The family does not.
Another family member is doing the "controlled drinking" again.  Has decided to only drink on the weekends.  Good luck.  Read "more about Alcoholism".  But if they aren't ready.... they can't hear.
I have a fear that I will be the only sane person left in my family.  Sounds self centered, I know.  But the truth is everyone is running around screaming, "what's wrong with me?"  when it's as evident as the words in our book.
Sometimes I wonder how we look to the outside world.   One of the members of my group that sponsored another family member for a short time said to me one day, "geez this disease runs rampant in your family"  or something close.  What I HEARD was,  geez your entire family is a screw up with such disdain I wanted to run and hide.  Cause we all know that when the "secrets" get out and they know who we are they won't let us around. 
More childhood trauma.  Shshshshshshsh.

New Year, New...............

In the month of resolutions by many, you won't hear me say a thing.  I think when resolutions are set and then broken it may leave some feeling like a failure.  Me, I choose to continue on the path I'm on.  Perhaps changing how I eat, but certainly staying in the gym at least 4 days a week.
Most importantly staying sober.  Working with other woman that are chosing to do the same. 
Giving thanks daily for the Creator!!!