It gets better, right?

I have a sponsee that is just starting this way of life after a relapse.  (is it a relapse if you haven't had any real sobriety anyway?)  She called this morning and was in a full blown panic attack, begging me to tell her it will get better.  And for me, it did.  I just have to believe in the steps and this program, otherwise I wouldn't stick around.  Would you?  I mean we come in beat down.  We start working the steps and slowly (for me) things started to change.  But I begged people to tell me "when" and "how long".  I didn't like to wait (on what I do not know) but if I had a time frame, the wait wouldn't seem so difficult.  And no one would.  At times I would scream and cry and want to chuck it all.  What if you were lying to me.  What if this is a trick?  The one thing that I knew for certain was that drinking/using - for me - had become a liability.  A true sickness and I wanted no more of it.  The pain was too great from within.  To hell with those people I had hurt.  The true motivation that stuck was that IIIIIIIIIII was hurting enough to want to stop.  Not you,not them,  ME.
At almost 2 years sober I ran to my sponsor's house crying.  I just  couldn't do this anymore.  REALLY?  Hmmm.  I mean I was not "feeling" those promises that are read.  I was miserable (or so I thought) and had little hope that it would change.  She promptly advised that I was not drinking - today, right?  uh, yes.  that would be yes.  Well then, your getting what you signed up for, right?  uh  I guess so.......   But, I exclaimed, I want/need more!  (there that will show her).  Then get busy.  Start writing.  "what are your truths"?  Get to it!
See sobriety does not happen by accident.  No sir!  It is from a sincere desire to want something else.  something better.  and I do.  I still do.  It has gotten better.  So when I am asked that by whomever, I can share my experience with them.  yes it does.

Please, Tell Me The Truth!

I was coming apart this morning.  Fear, Anxiety, self loathing, judgment, anger....... need I go on?  Where was all this coming from?  I had a sponsor tell me (gently guide me) to living my truths.  It was so freeing.  But that was several years ago.  I realized this morning that I had stopped doing that.  I had managed (imagine that) to attach myself right to the very folks that I did not even want too.  How does that happen?  And on top of that become increasingly angerier being there.  Now doesn't that just fit the bill of an alcoholic?  So, I sat at my kitchen table and started my list.  MY truths.  Not yours.  It began again.  That freedom to list those simple things.  I got excited.  I emailed a friend in the program.  Please, meet me this weekend, I need to discuss w/ someone I trust this stuff.  So, we are and I will disclose to her my list.  This is truly to gain the insight of another woman's perspective.  Someone that will not try to change my mind.  Why is it we want to redirect someone's thinking?  I mean I may get off track at times, but refuse to allow just anyone to push me in any direction. 
Step 11 - Sought through prayer AND meditation  that means spending time with right?  I feel alive again.  Renewed.  Peaceful. 
Thank you God!

By opening my heart my eyes open too!

I lived my life shutting people out IF they could not or would not do what I wanted them to do.  Painfully destroying those that allowed it, licking wounds when they wouldn't.   In working the steps of the AA program I am reminded that after step 9 and the amends process I can not longer act that way.  Hmmm.  I am looking for loopholes here.  Loopholes that I do not need.
It tells us in the literature that we block ourselves from the sunlight of the spirit when I shut myself off from you.  Those walls that held me in for so long (and you out) are no longer necessary.  NOT if I'm living in these principals.  Trusting God for all that I need has given me freedom.    But, that does not mean I'm perfect at this.  Not by far.  But I'm willing to learn and listen and allow those walls to come down "most"of the time. 
Isn't it interesting that the thing that I thought was my protective gear (walls) actually were damaging to my spirit?  But now in knowing that how am I to live?  When I am still very skeptical of the world around me.  And truly uneasy about people getting too close.  Why?  Does that matter?  Not sure on that one.  However, I need to live without borders.  Learning that trust is a two way street helped too. 
Learning to love people where they are is difficult but necessary.  After all, didn't you love me long before I could even look at myself in the mirror?  

Feelings, Nothing more than feelings........

If I've heard this 100x's I've heard it 1000.  Our feelings are not reliable.  At first what I "heard" was they didn't matter.  Well they do.  Because I'm feeling driven.  I feel bad due to a cold - I take cold medicine.  I feel bad due to a loss of a loved one - I reach for comfort from those that understand.  and on and on.  However,  feelings change and reacting to how I feel at that moment is usually not a good idea.  I mean I'm happy - react jovial.  ok.  I'm sad - react like it's the end of the world.  no.  Not good.
So, how do I retrain this brain to do the opposite of what it's done for 52 years?  I've been asking that question for quite sometime.  You know the sayings, "time takes time"  "in the meantime it's a mean time".   The passage in the big book that clearly states,  when aggitated or doubtful, we pause.  PAUSE.  Something this alcoholic knew nothing about.  I clearly understood the wreckage brought on my that immediate response.  The lunging at people when angry, fearful, lonely.  Afraid that if I embrassed the feeling I would be enveloped by it.  And sometimes I would.  You people have helped me understand and learn knew coping methods.  Nothing lasts forever (tell that to my soul when it wept out of fear and lonliness).  Dark nights go on forever.  But, alas, they do end.  Now what to do in the interim?
So I take a deliberate action.  One that hopefully will cause no harm.  I pick up a dirty house, I go to the gym, I ask someone how I may help them.  I do anything to get beyond that head noise.  Anything but pick up a drink. 
I understand a little better today the Grace of God.  I was told a long time ago that one day it would come down to me and God.  Plain and simple.  Picking up the phone was good, but hitting my knees is better.  I know cause I do that a lot. 
If in sharing who i am, what I believe, and how I act will help you to somehow stay sober and begin to apply those principals in your life, then this day has been successfull.  Not for a pat on the back, but in doing so I "get to" stay sober one more day.

I "get" to

That's right, I get to.  When I started this journey I was full of rage, self doubt, disillusioned by life and my actions.  I could not get out of bed (due to that other addiction) and waisted lots of nights drinking myself into oblivion.  And I thought I loved my life.  Then everything shattered. 
I crawled into the rooms of AA broken and distrustful of anything and everyone.  And I let you know it.  How could those steps on the wall, that book that I had once used as a coaster on my coffee table, how could they possibly get/keep me sober.  Ah, you say what I was doing wasn't working, right?  Right!  I became teachable through misery.  I was at the jumping off place.  Last house on the block.  I had little fight left in me.  And you loved me till I could lift my head up and then some.
Today I 'get to ' go to work, to the gym, heck I'm free to go just about anywhere.  I no longer view this life as I HAVE TO!  Not any longer.  When I did those admission steps (1&2) and in 3 asked God to direct my life things began to happen.  Over and over.  Incredible.  Undescribeable.  
What began as a ripped up life has grown into a productive, useful existance.  All because I lay on my couch and begged God to take me or fix me and at that time I did not care which.  I was absolutely miserable living the way I HAD to.
That's why living today in the present is a present.   A gift.  One I gladly share w/ you and any others that come in broken, angry and ready to rip the heads off of anyone that looked at them sideways. 

I get too and I get that. 

Staying on my side of the street

That is something this program is teaching me.  And although that sounds like a simple thing, it is not.  I find myself being pulled into drama within the walls of AA.  I pull back.  I think I"m doing good and then BAM!  "did you hear?" come up again.    So, what I'm learning about "me" is that time takes time and nothing changes if nothing changes.  So, when  a sponsee sent me an email trying to tell me about "so and so"  I politely replied, "I do not want to be part of this gossip train"  Today I want to be free from resentments that stem from knowing what "they" are doing.  It makes better sense.  Those character defects that keep cropping up continue to amaze me.   But today I have a solution.  Ask for help and STOP doing that.  I may not always be able to walk away from the nonsense in the rooms and out, but I can certainly do what I can to keep from spreading it. 
I have been given the gift of life and today I do not want to throw that back. 
Thank you God for all that I am - and all that I'm not.......

Getting to practice these principals........

Isn't that what you have taught me?  Ugh to that sometimes.  I 'get to' practice.  Yes sir.  Even when I do not want to.  See today, I want to be free of resentments.  Free from self centeredness.  So I have to do my part, which isn't always easy.  I belong to a pretty open minded AA group.  That lends itself to all kinds of interesting folks.  Hence the title of this post.
I came in to these rooms broken.  A puddle of mess.  You guys tolerated my sobs, my anger, my outbursts.  My endless babling.  And I need to show you the same courtesy.  Right?
However, in doing so that DOES not mean it excuses bad behavior.  There in lies my lesson.  I have tried really hard to adhere to the spiritual principals I have been shown by the program.  And when someone else gets to stay sober but still live in deceit and poor choices, I get resentful.  I kept wondering why do they get to do "half measures" and I can't?  Why?
WHY can't I?  Because I want ALl of the promises to come true.  Not just a portion.  Not just a tad.  All.  But I can not have them if I do not live for them.  
Those others that can - get what they get.  Right? 
Another lesson - another character defect reveled.  Another growth opportunity.  I don't always readily accept, but when I come around.......... I really come around. 
It is by the Grace of God that I "get to see' who I really am.  It's the Grace of God that lets me live another day sober.  Physically and mentally.  Which gives my spirit the lift it needs. 

Not Having a Clue

Sober.  Sober living.  Sober everything.   It’s real and somedays’ it’s real good.  I’ve discovered a few (well more than a few) things about myself.  The biggest thing is that I know very little about sober living.  But I’m willing to keep walking NO MATTER WHAT.  I’ve experienced heartbreak, job change(s), move(s), and death.  ALL SOBER.
So I will begin to share this with you, the world.  Do I think you will care?  Some will?  Will it matter to me if you don’t?  Not on your life.  I walk this earth today a free woman.  free from alcohol which in in itself lends so much to my life.  I owe it all to living one day at a time.
I love the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I didn’t at first.  I thought I had done irreprible damage and could not understand much of what I read and little of what I heard.  I was scared and told you so.  A few listened.  Some turned their heads in disgust.  But you (fellow members) sat with me.  Cried with me.  Laughed with me.  But never, never let me think I was alone.  I am grateful for all that I have been through (today).  For it took all of it to get me to bend my knees in prayer, scream in agony and hate the entire world for having the answers and me not having a clue.

Re-Covering

Yes, recovering.  Not recovered.  Although our book does tell us that we have recovered from a seeminly helpless state of mind and body.  Body yes.  Mind is in the process of recoverying.  And recovering from what?
I believe in the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.  I have read the big book, applied those principals in my life (to the best of my ability) and my life is much better.  I continue to be amazed.
when I sponsor woman I try to relay to them (by the book) my experience with getting sober and LIVING sober.  Working the steps.  Staying as clean as possible on  a daily basis through the steps.  That isn’t always easy.
I am reminded often to check my motives.  check my daily experiences.  Am I living free from resentments?  Fear?  Anxiety comes and goes as does fear and resentments.  but today I have an answer to life’s qualms.  God.  Steps and my fellows within those wall.
IF this life wasn’t a better life I wouldn’t have stuck around.  For the first 3 years in this program I cried all the time.  I came  in w/ the loss of a marriage.  One that I truly cherished.  A man that I thought I couldnt’ live without.  He left anyway.
I’ve come to terms with that.  As well as a less than great upbringing.  Children that disappoint and how I’ve let others down.  Siblings that don’t want this way of life but certainly could use it(i’ve been watching).   But even though we are told our problem is we think too much of ourselves, i am certainly selfish when it comes to recovery and how much i put into it.   RECOVERY!  without it I have no life.  
And today happens to be a pretty good one.

The beginning

that is what I call it.  Breathing lessons.  Learning to breathe through life.  I never realized until I got sober that i dodged everything.  Ran away.  Hid.  Call it what you want.  But I was good at it.  But the more I dodge the more I drank and vise versa.  Really a sad way to live.  But I did not know any other way.  Heck I didn’t even know what I was doing wasn’t working.  Self preservation.
However, today I have a solution.  They hang on every wall in every hall of AA’s rooms.   They allow me to let you live without my unsolicited advice or input.  They allow me to breathe through those ‘things’ that used to send me to the bottom of the bottle (or other things).
I am a happy, sober woman.