Throwing Crazy Around

I suppose, no I know, that crazy resurfaces no matter what circumstances we use to circumvent it.  Really sounds technical doesn’t it?  I know because I know.  I took ‘me’ into a relationship and boy howdy can it turn on a dime.

So, quick background for my own sanity in this is total fear of abandonment.  The incredible doubt that plagues me still today.  I tried to tell myself that this time the hurt of yesterday will not cloud today.   When the new in a relationship washes all fears away for a minute; it comes back with a vengeance.  I am without defense against this monster that lurks within.

So, I threw crazy around last night.  Totally tormented I insisted on letting him know.  What did I think would happen?  My motives were so wrought with fear that I couldn’t stop what I was doing.  COULD NOT!  How pitiful that sounds.

So, we talked about this; his response was, ‘this is all I have to give right now’.  Wow!  I was speechless for a moment.  When I realized the extent of that silence I quickly said the only thing I knew to say, ‘ok, no problem’.  We hung up with the understanding that we needed to back up, but he told me more than once, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.   Why I couldn’t hear that….. no idea?!

So, I cried myself to sleep allowing the darkness of my quiet room to shield me from the outside world that still seemed to consume me. 

As I woke this morning my initial thought was, ‘oh yuck’  I did not want to face ME today. 

Well I did what I knew to do to bring about that sense of ease and comfort that precedes a drink…. (my old means of coping).  I reached out to God.  As I read my morning meditation I just felt so off the beam.  So wrought with anxiety that I knew I had to drop at His feet.

I am doing a bible study on the story of Gideon.  Gideon was scared little man whom God used for a great purpose; although to Gideon his own fear was keeping him from following what God had already set in motion.  You see, I had totally turned my life over to His care.  This meant He was in control and I needed to back up.   What I heard from Gideon was not to keep asking God but to trust in the knowledge that he has this/me.

So, in pain, fear, anxious for the unknown to stop consuming me… I reached out in prayer.  Lord I know that I have this issue.  I also know that I am in the trusting of your leading today and that is how it will be.  No relationship can be worth all this.  Even if it is self-imposed.   What happened was calm.  What was calmed was my insides of self-doubt… in complete clarity a smile came on my face.   My insecurities are not ever going to be fixed by (  ) fill in the blank.  EVER!    For brevity’s sake let me say this; I talked to ‘S’ and told him what was going on and IF he could walk with me through this even if for a moment then ok, if not… then it can end here.   I felt the pang in my stomach but if it hurts for a moment, that is better than my insides unraveling at a rate quicker than Zeus can throw a lightning bolt.

Today, I accept that my character defects still lurk about.  I accept that I can face them or manipulate the circumstances to fix ‘it’. 

Thank God for his grace.  I can walk forward and still breathe. 

To finish the conversation with ‘S’ he seemed fine.  He is not going anywhere, today.  He is taking me to a nice dinner tonight, maybe a movie.  And once again my heart swells with peace.  Peace that passes all understanding.

I’m love a God so big and merciful and no man can come between that.  Today.

 

Expect the unexpected..

Just when we least expect it…………..

 

I just gave up.  Well not ‘just’ gave up; but literally was exhausted emotionally from years of holding on to something that should have been let go.  A relationship.

You know because I have written so much about ‘it’.  I had dated a few times.  I had been on many first dates.  I was beginning to fear that I had shut down so completely that there was no hope.  Any chance at a lasting relationship was gone.  And, I thought, perhaps I had begged and prayed myself into this place.  Letting ‘R’ go was THE hardest things I have ever walked through.  I sicken when I think of the 10 years I spent wanting, crying and waiting.  He NEVER changed his story; but I kept shifting mine to fit into his.  Today, as I think, reflect and write that it is done…..

I met someone.  Not just someone, but all the attributes I had left at God’s feet is here, including the timing of it all.  You can’t wipe this smile off.  Even though, it is not about the other person, or a job or money or (fill in the blank) that should make us happy.  That happiness must come from within and for me- connected to a God so big that even my hurt has been lessened. 

Late last year I emotionally disconnected from “R”.  I felt empty inside but better knowing that he no longer held me captive.   I was free to be me.  Be alone.  Be happy.  Just be.

In February I decided to go to a dating site just one more time.  I was so sick of all the creeps out there.  My heart hadn’t been interested in much there anyway, but it did give me something to do.   Anyway after chatting it up with a few men, one just popped up that sorta caught my eye.  I thought, oh heck what do you have to lose.   We met.  It was so easy… we talked till we couldn’t talk anymore.  I left thinking, wow what was that all about?  After several dates and lots of fun, I sat back and took a second look.  Yup, he was handsome (that was an easy one), kind, loving (he had lost his wife last year to cancer).  What really stuck out was just the kind spirit that he had.   But! Was it real?  I had played it cool at first.  Wasn’t really certain I wanted to jump in.  Plus, was he really ready to date? 

Date after date and I was becoming smitten with this gently giant.  That was truly scary and exhilarating together.   Plus he made me smile, laugh…. My heart sings.

I guess, the point of all this is to say,  WHEN I finally conceded…. God, I’m good either way.  Alone/single… Here he comes.  I say God knew what both of us needed.  I don’t want to sound like a sap…. But I’m hanging on.  I’m enjoying every second of this.   AND if it ended tomorrow sure I would be sad; but he has shown me that there are men out there that are kind.  Even want woman their age (mine)….   

God never stops amazing me.

 

Jj

Blessings...........

I have spent too many years crying over my life.  Too many wasted days.  A few years ago I began a trek of unwinding my entanglement of a relationship.  It hurt; I was afraid, really afraid.  Being without him crippled my life.  Crippled my growth beyond that life. 

So, we slowly detached.  Occasional dinner.  I will always love him.  The best years of ‘that’ life are over.  The best is yet to come is my motto.  Now!  Let it!

So, for years I have begged God to bring someone in my life that wanted to be there.  Someone that put God first, knew his blessings and would love, love, love me.  And!  Never leave me.  Hmmm.

So, the dating was sporadic.  Emotional.  Trying.  Defeated at times.  Running away at others.  Looking back I chuckle at all of it.  Yeah, but in the throes of all that stuff, I wasn’t always at ease…

So, over the past year I prayed continually, ‘God, please send someone my way’.  Yet nothing.  No one.

I finally said, ‘ok, help me to be ok single.  Help me to love those around me and make this life, my life’. After all it truly is complete.   Isn’t it in the way WE view it anyway?

Last month I gave it one last shot.. I met a guy for coffee.  That was it.  COFFEE and I’m going home.   1 hour, nothing more.  I mean it!  And so it goes.

I walked in.  Tall good looking guy.  I melted.  His first words were, ‘well that’s a good sign, you didn’t turn and run’…  We spent a few hours drinking coffee and getting acquainted.  I listened intently.  I totally forgot my 1 hour timeline.  I finally asked, ‘you ready to go?’  he said no.  So we headed out to dinner.  More conversation.  After which I asked again, ‘you ready to go”?  No.  So we walked around in the freezing night air and just couldn’t stop laughing and talking and well, smiling.  I was really enjoying him.  It got funny from there since he again said NO when I asked if he was ready to go home.  So, more coffee and ….. I was worn out.  Blissfully worn out. 

We have been inseparable ever since.  Not in a clingy kind of way.  Just in a sincere, polite way, enjoying each other. 

My post is not about ‘yeah me’.  My post is to myself saying, letting go was the beginning of something different. 

Now, maybe this is just a moment in time for me (and him).  Maybe.  I have no expectations of anything beyond right here, right now. 

But, I will shout out to God,  THANK YOU for never giving up on me even when I had given up on myself. 

 

Signs, Signs Everywhere

Oh the signs of the times.  Good times, bad and the in-between.

I pondered the fate of others recently and concluded we play THE role WE pick once we know we have that choice.  That isn’t terribly contrite, but an honest appraisal of us humans.

So when the good times roll (sing along now) and we flow freely through those days when everything seems as it should and our souls are open for all to see.  The freedom of a fearless life, a life less daunting, looms so close we feel the warmth.  I swell with joy.  Or contentment; which brings on the joy.

The bad lurks around the corner.  Not as ‘the other shoe dropping’; but the unknown begins to settle in and make itself comfortable, the fear and in trepidation take center stage.  What if?  What if? What?  If? What choice is it to be then?  Run?  Give in to the feeling?  Or calculate a surrender that is befitting of the situation.  For me, it can come quickly (the solution) or I can roll around aching for that one thing that will fix whatever that is……. Hoping it will jump on me and heal what woes.

How completely silly is that?  How can the day be turned around from fear and darkness to joy and light?  I have come to rely on honest self-appraisals.  What is really going on?  What is driving the good or bad?  What needs to be addressed and how will I achieve that?  I have had several mentors in my life to which I am so appreciative of.  I called one ‘the wise ole owl’..  lately I am just calling them my voice of reason.  And it’s just that……. Reason. 

I just stopped and re-read this.  How, how does it begin with positive and quickly turn the other way.  Why is it the good doesn’t make the paper as much?  Kinda like the song, Sure could use some good news today.   In perspective, it’s all good; it just doesn’t always ‘feel’ that way. 

Now by good I do not mean that divorce is good, or death is good or loss of job… etc.  No, I’m learning that we can have bad and still know the good is there, we just have to look for it.  I’m not always willing to do that, sometimes it just feels good (yeah right) to stew in it for a while.

So, enjoy the good, embrace the bad as it won’t be that way forever and breathe in between.

Ca-razy

Craziness!

I have fought for too many years to remain somewhat sane.  How sad that seems, but it’s the truth.  Problematic is that I never thought myself ‘in’sane…. Well until I looked up the definition; insanity-not of sound mind, abnormal behavioral patterns………. Yup……….. I’m insane.  How sane is that acceptance?

Now I suppose the recognition is a fast start, right?  Ewee.  Certainly not.  It clouds my judgment, I feel impaired.  Unequipped.   Where has all this come from?  The insanity of my thought process.  What an abnormal one at that.

If I walk in a room of people and they all grown silent at the same time, there talking about me.

If i call someone repeatedly and they don’t answer or don’t return my call, they are angry with me.

If… if…. If……

Here is some crazy; friends decision to leave the program of AA since she is not an alcoholic.  Really?  She obviously has forgotten about the last 2 bouts she used to find that out.  Not pretty, but to her this decision makes perfect sense.  And I can see why.   See we begin to act crazy and the insanity returns AND we drink again.  If falls before the first drink.  Insanity.

So, other areas that can bring up my insanity…. Relationships.  Personal, Business, family.    But, upon further examination what it looks like is this:

I don’t like how someone is acting or treating me…. I try harder to define the problem and move in to the fix of it all.

I still want to fix situations to ‘help’ others but at times, in a carefully reviewed motives…. I can find if they are happy, then I can be.  INSANITY.

I could write more examples but they truly are not necessary.  I can become crazy at anything. 

So is today a good day to say, ‘well at least I didn’t drink’?  Hopefully not, but it may.  See if drinking were my only problem, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

 

All gibberish at this point…….. but somehow I hope it makes sense….

Breathing through it..

Breathing Room.  I and my family need it.  Lots of it.  So much going on.  So many without hope, or suffering from loss, incredible sadness.... it goes and goes.

I have not really given much thought (ok, not much) to how the current events have affected me.  The other day it hit me as I cried that I am grieving and need to move through it not stuff it.  I do not think I have mourned someone like I have this.  Someone.  Something.  Really unsettling.  Watching my children/grand kids go through their loss has kept most of my feelings at bay.  They pop out and I cry but then I go back to them.  HOw can I help them?  Or can I?

I have blogged that this death has pushed me back into the past and how I lived with out much concern of others.  It forced me to rethink so many years; so many hurts... including mine.  Where to start can't even be a start.  It is too overwhelming. 

The other night I was driving and crying.  Really crying.  And I knew that a drink would relieve that immediate need, the need to not feel.  But, I also knew that it would bring on many more problems.  Thank God that was a larger thought.!!!

Then I am driving (and doing too much thinking) and I began to think that I missed my old drug... The worst of the worst, one of which held me captive for 4 years, maybe 5.  long horrible disasterous years.  At a cost I hope I never have to pay again.  But, here I was thinking how that drug gave me drive and desire and creativity; all of which have been all but gone in the past 9 years.  Now, I am not going backwards or gonna do anything stupid, but the thoughts.  the thoughts.  the thoughts.

That was days ago and here I am, blogging sober and sane.  And somewhat content.  How interesting life is.  More that that.... How awesome God is.....

Right now one of my precious grand daughter is sleeping in and I am happy that we spent the weekend together.  Girly stuff.  Laughing, sharing, movie, dinner....

I have prayed, asked and cried to God to bring someone in my life that I would be in love again.... I already am in love....

It may not be the 'boyfriend' life but it is so full...  My children and grandchildren are that void that God bops my upside the head and reminds me... This is the life....

:)

Watch and Wait-ing

While I want to be honest in this blog about things, sometimes just writing makes it too real.  Lately, maybe too sad.  But, life is just that… sad and real.   I always say… it just keep coming at ya. 

So in a few days my kids will have a ‘celebration of life’ for their dad.  I started to say ‘goodbye’ to their dad, but they did that before he died.  So, celebration seems so jovial.  Well maybe it is meant to be.

Not funny, but perhaps uplifting in that he certainly left his footprint on this earth.  Good or bad, he was part of the human race.  And they love(d) him.  Their days, nights will be drenched with every emotion I can only imagine.  But they will get through this.  We all will.

To try and ascertain they whys and why not’s of this passing would not make any difference, so here we sit.  I have cried with them, laughed with them, sat with them, listened to them………………….. and most of all loved them during this time (and any other for that matter).  But grief takes all forms and we can not lessen the pain, nor shorten the time it takes to stop it; but I am on standby. 

 

On a different note; I saw the movie, ‘Wild’ with Reese Witherspoon.. really an interesting movie.  I mean it was based on a book written by a woman that trekked 1,000 miles on the pacific coast trail alone.  Backpack and boots.  Took 3 months and the journey was healing in itself.  The loss of her mother, her marriage and the letting go of a life that was so broken.  So, her healing began with that first step…

But that got me wondering.  How awesome it would be (I think) to just go.  To just pack up and head out on a fantastic journey of healing and self-discovery.   Wow!  I just want that opportunity.  Maybe not a wilderness trek, but a freeing experience that says, ‘I am not going to answer to anyone’ that I am free to go and do without restraints.   I just wondered, perhaps not a 3 month journey but maybe a couple of weeks.  Maybe.  Just alone with me, the air that I need and the sound of wind, water and peace.  Ahhhh.

The end of this post says little of the world around me and work.  It continues to beat me down and each time I rise and hope that will keep me abreast for a while.  That movie hit me in the gut and perhaps Tom’s passing that what in the hell am I/we waiting on………. Make that change… today.  Step out on faith.  Find your/my passion and by God live it!

God…………… yes………….. let me run that past Him……….. He may have a different plan for me…… J