Blow you old wind, blow away

If I have a problem it's huge.  If you do it's a minor inconvenience.  Right?  Well that is how I seemed to flow for a long time.  Look at me!  Look at my problems.  See how bad I feel.  Wanting to suck you into my misery.  How terribly sad to be that way.  Or worse yet, to be and not to know.

I am in awe of the force of nature.  I speak of the worst storm to hit the east coast in my lifetime and probably most.  This is what is left of the boardwalk in Atlantic City NJ.  10/30/2012.
I just shudder looking at the photo's.  the scenes of lives strewn all over the place.  Of worried people, sad people.  Will it ever be the same?  I say all of this to drop my "self" out of this post.  To focus on all the lives not to far north east of here.  I have relatives from Roanoke Va all the way up to Maine.  I lived in NJ as a child.  I have been to this boardwalk.  Life changes and evolves.  This isn't either.  It's clipped from the atmosphere never to be the same again. 

And I cry over .............. most things but why when I see this I am reminded how really small my problems are.  And they need to be left at that level.   Not blowing it out of proportion.  THIS is bad.   I, well I'm just a woman trying to live like I should.

Jj

sinking.

This may be written with some depression involved.  I am sinking.  School is just too much.   The math just isn't my forte and it shows.  I have to finish so I don't lose my funding but it is beginning to look bleak.
Work is depleting my competence.  Draining my spirit.  By Friday's I am spent.  Emotionally I take a beating at this place.  Such a male dominated environment.  I am glad I can say this without fear of retribution but I absolutely hate it here and I am trying desperatly to get the hell out.
Every avenue of my life right now, at this moment is untying.  Maybe it is supposed to.  Maybe I'm trying to push my way through this stuff.  All I know is something will give and I pray it isn't my sobriety.
BTW I did go to a new group (to me) the other night.  It was awesome to hear something different.  I did walk away with a renewed spirit.  That lasted about 12 hours. 
I can not keep beating myself up.  Every ounce of my being is consumed with fear.  And I know what that means.  I am truly trying to control the outcomes of my decisions.

I tried to focus my morning on positive affirmations, reading some literature and really going deep inside to find that necessary power to remain somewhat sane.

One of my precious sponsee's decided she is not in need of recovery.  She turned 21 during her 9 months in this program and has just decided she is not an alcoholic.  Albeit through massive tears.  Hmmm wonder why?

I will turn my emotional mess over to God to allow Him to set my path right.  What is the fear?  Failure. 
What is my part?  Staying in the problem.   Now pass it on to HIM!

See I feel better already.  Lets hope it sticks.

Mind, Body and Spirit

We only get one body.  Take care of what your given.  You’ll be old one day.  These were all things told to me while I aged.  I had a wonderful boss several years ago that was probably 25 years older than i.  He would get a ‘hitch’ in his git-a-long and he would tell me, ‘you wait.  This will be you one day’.  I can remember saying over and over,  no it won’t.  I feel too good for that to happen.  Well guess what?  Yup it has begun.  Actually began while I was still in the dark.  Medicated beyond what was necessary.  Medicated with those substances that weren’t supposed to be put in our bodies.  Like Rip Van Winkle, when I woke up I saw a whole new world.  What a shock.  And I began to see and feel of a body that I barely recognized, a face as well. 

Different things began to go wrong.  I have written about my knee and today that is a mess again.  I was going to run a 5-k in the morning.  Uh yup.  Wed. night the same knee that was operated on about 18 months ago went haywire.  After a trip to the ortho/surgeon yesterday they confirmed what I already suspected.  Arthritis, and no cushion in my knee.  Makes for an interesting life..

Ok, enough of the complaining.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I should celebrate daily that I am alive.  Remember, I did the best job I could at ending that.  What a mess.

So, my body can heal.  My mind still functions (mostly) and my soul has been restored. 

Breathe in and experience it all.

Six degrees of separation

What get’s passed down from generation to generation?  Good?  Bad?  Lets ponder this awhile.  I could argue that all the bad seeps through the seems.  I could say the good is there but not as prevelant.  And then I could be all wrong.  In my own family I can only see the negative side.  Alcoholism is a disease.  And my family heritage is rich with it.  A few got sober and stayed sober, a few eeked by with a drink now and again and the the rest….  Oh boy.

My dad, brothers and my son all have the exact body type.  Tall, lean (well at least they used to be), wide shoulders.  My dad was the epitomy of good looking.  And all the woman flocked to him.  My aunt told me the other day that my dad couldn’t help himself…… he had to marry all those woman. 

What about character?  Does our family shape it?  Does our past define it?  Or does our present (whatever that is) make it all fit? 

Emotions?  Why are some born with the ability to keep it in ‘check’ and some not.  (as in me).

Some are tall, some can sing.  Smart?  Good looking? (and I didn’t mean to sound like Dr Seuss.  (I don’t like green eggs and ham).

The answer is “I don’t know”  Do you?  I have thought about criminals and how they got to that point.  Upbringing?  Plight in life?  Drugs/Alcohol?  I don’t believe anyone, as a child says, “hey when I grow up I’m gonna……………” and include being a thug. 

And what about perceptions and how everyone has their own (although mine is skewed at best).  I have a natural curiosity that had to have come from somewhere.  My friends have dubbed me the ‘interviewer’ as I am prone to ask too many questions.  But I have a genuine interest in people.  Unless they are mean……..  Then I run the other way.

Oh and what about health?  Family history is really important in that one. 

So here is where I’m going with this.  What if we can change how our future generations act.  Not sure about looks though.  My dad died in 1992.  My son was 11 at the time.  I was shocked one day when I glanced at him and he was (my son) holding a cigarette just like dad.  He laughs like him.  He loves the woman… like him.  He drank like him.  He got sober, like he tried too.  Generational or not? 

Then there is my daughter who in high school her coach told her she looked just like me.  I was really proud of that.  Not sure if she was or not.  As the years rocked on I found less and less of myself in her and more and more she began to look and act like “that other side of the family” Which isn’t a bad thing, but it reminds me that choosing a mate and the father/mother of your children goes beyond the darkness of the night. 

Personalities.  Hmmm.  I do not have any traits of either of my parents, that I can see.  Although I didn’t really get to know either one very well.  They were both gone too early.  Too young. 

My (ex) son-in-law did not look like his dad or mom.  That troubled his dad for many, many years.  “is he mine” plagued his thoughts at times.  Well years later we were sifting through old family photos and wham!  We find a picture of an uncle.  Seems it was his mother’s brother or uncle.  I can’t remember.  But there was the ‘proof’.  There was that ‘gene’ that tied him (S-I-L) to the pack.  Seems it skipped a generation and showed up in the form of an uncle. 

So, do you look like?  Act like?  Walk like, …………… someone close or do you wonder?

So whether your lineage looks like this

Or this..........................  We're all connected...... Wouldn't you agree?

Whew!  I’m sweating at such a long post.  Forgive me……………….

Meet the purrfect roommates

8 years ago next month my whole world came crashing down.  Not to re-hash it but I was asked to leave my family.  I moved as quickly as he wanted me to.  I left behind my precious cat, Sassy that we had owned for as long as our marriage.  The next summer he found her laying in her favorite place in the sun on our kitchen floor..... she had passed away.  When "he" told me I couldn't breath.  I was beside myself.  I had not only ruined my life with "him" but I left her alone.  My reason for not taking her seemed so valid.  She was 13 years old.  She was growing old and I felt her home was where she needed to be. 
I tear up just remembering that.  He buried her before he told me about it.  He buried her in the soil that was bare from where the pool I had loved for those years had been.  He had given it to his friends who had children.  I hated him for all of those things.
I began healing VERY slowly.  Anger would ebb and flow.  He hated me for such a long time too.  But, let me get back to my precious babies.
A year after he asked me to leave I was so lonely.  Yes, I had my grandchildren, which was such a blessing, I had my kids, my siblings.  But no one was there when I opened the door at night. 
So, I began to search for a fur ball to comfort me, keep me company, something to love.  Again.
I started looking and had my heart set on another "sassy"  a small long haired grey tabby. As fiesty as could be all her life.  Eventually I came across a lady that rescues cats/kittens.   I went up there one evening looking for "sassy II".  When I walked into her living room there were about 5 or 6 kittens running around.  All different colors.  But there she was, another sassy.  A small, meowing tiger kitten.  I was drawn to her immediately.  She, on the other hand was not remotely interested or so it seemed.  But wait, what is this?  An ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten wouldn't leave me alone.  I would push him away and back he would run.  I was not interested in him at all.  Now, where is the little grey baby?  Hum.  Not even interested at all.  I sat on the floor petting the ones that would come scurrying towards me, all but her.  Oh and who was leading the pack, the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten.  See, I had never owned an orange cat.  I couldn't get passed that color.  But this little guy with all his mite had captured my heart.  So, I told the lady, I take him and where is that tiger kitten?  I'll take her too.  And so my new adventure with them began.  Once home and settled the grey baby that I eventually named Tiger Lily since my grandchildren had insisted she have a last name.  (they were 3 and 5 at the  time).  And the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten was christened, Sebastian.  He was a mess.  He was sickly.  Nasty sickly.  And here I was not even attached to him (yet) and having to spend $ that I didn't have to get him well.  By about the 3rd or 4th week I began to bond with both.  Sebastian was still the one that insisted on climbing all over me at bedtime.  Tiger Lily was a little detached but did crawl up at night with us.  Well if I skipped all the growing they did and all the love they have given me it's simply because it would take page after page.  So, I will include a picture and you will see how absolutely gorgeous both of them have turned out to be.  We are not supposed to have favorites, and I don't but the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced  kitten has grown up to be a beautiful main coon that weighs 20 lbs.  He is the king of our forest.  Tiger Lily grew to a pleasant size of 8 lbs but is a fiery female.  Sebastian is so laid back.  I had him declawed as a kitten and wanted to have her done but I didn't have the funds.  So now he has mittens instead of claws which he sorely misses.  But, when she catches him off guard and bites his swishing huge long haired tail, he screams and jumps at her and swats her with the strongest paws around.  He may not be a fighter, but he will only put up with so much from her.  Now, she is my baby too.  She follows me from room to room no matter how long I will be in it.  She loves to come into the bathroom in the moring when i am getting ready for work and sit on the toilet and watch.  Occasionally letting out a small meow to let me know how much she approves of my look for the day.(wink, wink) .  Sebastian slinks around like a huge buffalo and insists on being brushed and combed anytime I am home and sitting still.  I, am the true winner in the whole deal.  I am complete with those two fur balls.  I no longer cry when I come home (and I suppose time has healed a lot of that) but i also encourage YOU to look for the uglies orange scraggly looking round faced kitten and love him like he is the best thing that ever happened to you.  I know he is that for me.  And Sassy II, well she never could be replaced but what I found was as precious!  x's 2.

See what did I tell ya!  Meet Sebastian (who needs no introduction) and precious Tiger Lily.  Purrfect roommates!

love to all who listen

Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.  At least I'm not running in circles.  I had to take a deep breath yesterday.  Just seemed too many people issues that I was trying to manage.  WTH?  But, I confess, I still (hell I never stopped) want to 'fix' people.... most of all my family.  (children).  I literally could not breathe.  I just had to stop, ask for help and move through it.  I did it.  He did it.  Now to the next "thing".  Honestly I hear so often (and speak it sometimes) is this it?  Is this what sobriety is all about?  No bells, no whistles, no fireworks.  Yup, most of the time, no.  Since we are such adrenaline junkies when life is quiet we look for something 'else' to fix that.  Peace we seek but when it comes we freak.  Incredible. 
Last night I heard (again) that one of our youngest members (19 I think) is out there again.  Seems he also ended up in jail.  Which is probably saving his life right now.  Remember the song, "oh when will they ever learn?"  Well?   Me too.  I'm not excluding myself from that list.
I realized this morning as I was talking to a sponsee that I was saying the things to her that I NEEDED to do.  Seems i have gotten so damn busy that I am praying less, meditating less, and staying right on the verge of that jumping off place.  Jump to where I do not know.  I won't whine about the school thing, but it's still  consuming most nights.  And if i'm not at school and I'm not doing homework I'm absorbed in "i need to be".  Fewer and fewer meetings.  Less visits to the gym.  It is gonna either take it's toll on me or I will allow the dust to settle and let things lie as they do/will.  The control is just an illusion.  I have little.

Work becons for the afternoon and school will be the nightcap. 

Love to all who listen.

Jj

"GRAND children"

Today is the birthday of my oldest granddaughter.  A beautiful young girl that has seen more than her share of adult emotional bs.  She was abandoned by her birth mother several years ago.  Just passed her on to her dad (my s-i-l) here, you take her I don't want her.  Really?  How do you not want your child.
But I digress.  She is awesome.  And I, for one, am so blessed to have her in my life.  Mac here is to you.  Happy birthday!  Next week my twin grandchildren have their birthday.  So, all of my babies will be in double digits by then.  THEN the week after that my daughter has her bday.  She is 20 years younger than I.  So, I am getting older and so are they.
I think back on my own childhood and recall with love spending time with my grandmother.  A sweet lady that passed away when I was 13.  She would come get me/us from our less than good environment.  And for a few days we were important....... to someone.  She took me to the dentist for the first time.  She taught us a prayer at bedtime.  She seemed to care about who we were.  How we were. 
My grandmother on my father's side was the most incredible woman I have ever known.  I do not believe she ever spoke of anyone or to anyone with disdain.  She read her bible daily.  I remember her coming to stay with us a few times.  My mom and dad had divorced but she was still interested in us.  US.  Wow!
This is how I want my grandchildren to grow up.  Knowing how much they are loved by the grownups around them.  The ones that have nothing to worry about while they are around but them.  I truly understand how parents get overwhelmed and let the joy of watching them grow up slip by.  Grandparents don't.  They come to my house and for years we have "had our adventures".  They loved guessing what this weekend would bring.  It didn't matter if it was going to the science museum or hiking on the mountain.  They loved it all and so did/do I.  So, as they mature, grow up, I grasp all they have to offer.  And I in return give all I have.  Somehow I end up on the better end of the stick.