Sound mind AND body

I spent way too many years under the control of substances that (I thought) made me think better (and in the beginning it did), act better, whatever.  But that same substance took everything from me.  Self esteem, family, respect.... My journey started in the end of 2005. 
It took me until a couple of years ago to even feel like getting up and doing anything beyond daily life chores, job, etc.  No energy to do squat! 
But I hung on and somewhere in January of 2009 I walked into a gym.  First time in many years.  Well fast forward to today.  I'm still committed (even through knee surgery) to going.  It gives me so much pleasure to walk out in the morning way before most folks get up.  You see we begin at 4:30am.  This morning I began the assault on the cycle.  It was hardcore and I was a sweaty mess when we got through.  30 minutes and I wanted to stop several times, but didn't.  then 30 minutes of bands (think of huge rubber bands w/ handles on them).  that was fun.  followed up by hardcore abs and 15 minutes of lifting weights.  2 hours at the gym. 
All of this is possible because a few years ago I asked God to take me or fix me.  I was sick of who I was.
Life isn't always easy.  Nobody has the corner on that.  I love the woman I sponsor (and yes they stayed even though after my knee surgery I took too many pain pills) I so believe in this program.  IF YOU WORK IT. 
Life is life and today it happens to seem right.  All pieces where they belong.   And it is good.

Task Oriented

Someday's I am miserable at my job.  It is a quiet office.  But I am a do'er.  I have to be engaged in something or I feel real  "out of the loop" so to speak.  Well I took a quiz at church.  Shows I am more task oriented than people.  What?  That was a shock because I can work a croweded room and feel comfortable.  However, I realize I am super motivated to completion of a task.  Not talk about it, just do it.  It also showed that I am structure oriented as well.  That did not surprise me.  I want to know in advance what to expect, gather the data and put it to use.  Always have been happiest in that role.  Hence my last job was so suited for that personality.  Not sales.  I have thought of other avenues but keep dragging my feet.  I mean this is comfortable, albeit boring.  Is that bad?  No.  But jumping ship is.  So I will do this correctly. 
I am sober and that is what sober people do.
This past weekend was my 35th HS reunion.  I had a blast.  I must admit that going back can be scary.  But I stayed sober and got to visit w/ old friends and make new ones.  It's funny even after this many years we can and do still look for the friends that we made that long ago.  Comfort.  Totally comfortable. 
Today that is how I view my sober life.  While it throws curves and emotions can run amuck, being sober to deal with those times means everything. 
God really does have a great plan for all of us.....

Whooooo

Ok, it was a sinus infection.  Doc comfirmed and loaded me up w/ the best medicine possible (the free stuff). Anti Inflammatory and a strong antibiotic.  Believe me today is a new day.  I am smiling.  Pain is a bad memory now.  Unbelievable that 24 hrs ago I was about to buckle under.  Fear gripped my every thought.   Today I can think clearly.  I have learned more about me.  I do not do pain (at all).  I become really fear driven when I hurt that bad.  AND given the 2 months I have been somewhat out of comission, I was in the midst of the sickness of  feeling bad forever.
Does this have anything to do w/ living sober?  hell yeah it does.  If i had to go another day with that kind of pain I would have taken matters into my own hands and gone for the high dollar stuff.  Anything to stop that feeling.
Even my emotions are back level.  Whew!  It's been a helluva ride.   Thank you God for keeping me sober through this process.  And for giving me trust in your command. 

Sick of being sick

I am sick.  Sick of being sick.  Sick of hurting.  And none of this has to do with being sober.  Or does it?  Being an addict I have to be vigilant and mindful of my actions.  they take me places I don't want to go if I'm not careful.  My mouth has been very painful for over a week.  Several trips to the dentist,  now today I go to the doc.  Perhaps there is a sinus infection.  I know this:  I am a wimp when it comes to feeling bad.  And I had knee surgery on June the 7th so I feel like the entire summer has been taken up w/ feeling bad. 
They (dentist) wants to pull all my upper teeth.  Not that they are the best shape.  You can't do what I did for so long and not expect problems.  And boy right now, that's what it seems like;  problems. 
If i get a window without the pain I am glad but sit here waiting for it to return.  That is crazy!
I also know that in pain I am not capable of making good decisions.  Matter of fact I don't make many decisions at all.  except how to get beyond this.
If money was no object we wouldn't be having this conversation.  I learned that too.  I would be marching wherever to get the relief I so desire.  But that isn't the case.  So, I'm having to knock one pin down at a time, praying for the right direction (intuitive thought).  So today it's the doc.  Sinus infection can make a mess of your teeth too..............
I don't want to be high, I just want to be out of pain.  I think my dentist may wonder about that......

Victim of the delusion

Sometimes I can still fall back on that.  Victim.  Victim of the delusion.  Many delusions.   Today I really believe I am.  A victim that is.  I say this in all honesty.  I am trying to come to terms w/ work.  Although I may not always be the sharpest knife in the drawer, I do feel I am worthy and an honest worker.  I have never been trained to do what I do.  Well beyond the "licensing" that is required.  The office seems hostile on days.  And I find myself retreating over and over and over again.  I need and want out.  Here is one of the issues;  I have been given lots of breaks by my boss.  I mean huge.  Financially he has bumped me up the income ladder beyond my wildest dreams.  Additionally, he has done for me what most people wouldn't.  That is dug into his own pocket a few times to help me.  This never was anticipated nor asked for.  But it was done all the same.  He is a good guy.  My co-worker is not.  He does not miss an opportunity to knock me down a notch or two.  Now, I see this and know it is his stuff, his own fears that keep this going on.  But I am locked in the silence of hating it here.  I send out resume's but honestly when you feel knocked down it's hard to get up.  I miss the corporate world where part of your training is being trained as you go or on new stuff.   Here it is dog eat dog.  And I'm not  into that fight.
So, I moan through another day, quietly piercing souls with the darts of resentments.  I pray for relief and of course a light at the end of this tunnel.

Emotional Week...

A very long, emotional week.  I have had a major issue since last week w/ a tooth.  I went to the dentist on Tue to find out I have a bad infection.  After a few prescriptions off I went.  I was miserable by the next day.   Anyway, today is 3 days later and I can at least close my mouth.  It is getting better.   On the same day as all that, a guy hit me in the rear.  It made me sick.  I am close to paying this car off (which is huge for this gal) and now it's banged up.  He doesn't seem to have insurance and the damages to my car is just over my deductible so no reason to file a claim.  
Work has been destructive to my spirit this week too.  So, as you can see, i am more than ready for the weekend.  No comittements, no rushing, no nothing.
Being sober does not mean life stops.  On the contrary.  It is wide open and I get to participate...  

Character Defect or the truth

You ever worry what someone thinks of you?  They tell me it's non of my business, I disagree.  I mean sure, not everyone is going to like us, right?  But if there is something I am responsible for, something I have done, then I need to know.  Work is like that.  But I don't know.  I mean I'm not treated badly.  Just like I dont matter, which brings up insecurity to the hilt.   I have tried working the steps on this, but honestly, some days I just wish I could run away from the feelings i incurr here at work.  Male mentality does not go well with female feelings.  I don't ask for any special treatment, but I don't like to be treated like I don't matter.

On a lighter note.  I stayed sober all day.  Thank you God.!

It can happen to you

So I had knee surgery.   1 week later I picked up my 4 year medallion.  I had hardly touched the pain meds.  They truly made me sick.  One week later I went for a 1st appt. from the surgery and told the doc I could not control the pain w/ the meds he had given me.  a qtr of a pill here and a 1/2 there, just to hold down on the nausea.  He proceeded to write 2 prescriptions.   1 of which i had relapsed on 4 years earlier.  You think i said no?  Of course not.  It would be different this time.   Yeah right.  I did good until they were gone.  Then I was at a friends house and he had a bottle on his table.  You know what I did.  I ended up taking 3 or 4 (i really do not remember) and then a few more later.   Is that a relapse,  you betcha.  I was the man in the big book who slams his fist on the bar wondering how did he get there.  I truly did not have any defense.  I hung my head in shame.  But you know what?  If one person can learn (besides me) from my experience, then so be it.  I have also learned that the 24 hour window we talk about is really more important.  I say that not because I relapsed cause all I lost (besides my mind for about a week) was my sobriety date.  I have not lost but rather have gained some insight.  What is that worth?  Stop counting your "medallions" and start living in the now.  Right here!  It feels good to be alive  and clean and sober.  But for the grace of God.

Judge Not

The other day I asked a friend of mine who is in the program if she was ok.  For weeks she has been nodding off in meetings.  Eyes rolling to the back of her head.  Just looked like she was high on something.  She said no, I'm ok just tired.  I knew something wasn't right but I turned my head the other way.  This continued.  It got worse.  Everyone was asking, "what's going on with her".  Another member and a sponsee of mine finally said,  we have to confront her.   So we did.  She is taking "doctor prescribed pain meds".   Obviously more than she is supposed too.  What does it say in our literature about confronting anyone's sobriety?  Is it our business?
I was reading a blog about another group in my city.  One of it's members was ranting about "sober behavior" and how he refuses to turn his back on bad behavior.  That we came to this program to become better people.  Lord knows he is.  And how anyone can call themselves "sober" and still have the actions of non sober people is beyond him.  His rant was full of fire, obviously anger too.  What does the book tell us about that?  I'm just saying. 
I can stand in judgement of others.  But I sincerely ask for help when I do.  I would not want that same judgement to be passed down on me, for whatever reason.   Being sober does not render us "white as snow" nor do I pretend to be.  But, I sincerly try to live by the principals of "do no harm".  I want to be a sober woman of God and the path may be wide but the gate isn't.