whine !!!

I’m gonna whine for a minute.   I have tried several times over the past years to get out and start dating again.  I hate, hate, hate the whole ‘dating’ idea/scene.   I have talked to men (friends) that have told me how bad they hate it too.  Especially at our age…  And here I sit…. I have been on several dates this past month and none of them were more than once.  Here is the totally crazy thing… I didn’t care for any of them.  I mean… more than like.  Although I did try to sugar coat the whole thing and make it better but even that didn’t work.  So, why am I acting all pitiful about not being asked out again?  I mean didn’t I just say, I did not want another date with any of these guys yet when it is threir decision it seems harder.  I mean rejection sucks and I have had my fill.  It doesn’t help that in the middle of the rejection of one of these dates, I hear/feel those words/feelings from “him” many moons ago.  And it still hurts.  It still makes me angry.   I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.  But I am.    So, let the anger go……………….

Why does it feel so lonely these days?  I can be totally fine one minute and then bam!  It hits me like a ton of bricks…. You’re  alone.   I think I have talked to enough woman to say that sometimes it truly isn’t about long term, but rather to have a somebody to go places with. 

 

So, I keep trudging, praying, believing and painfully living (at times) alone.  I broke it off with a long term relation-ship that shouldn’t have been anyway but that hasn’t changed me still wanting more. 

Done whining. 

 

On another note we lost a gem today,  Maya Angelou died at the age of 86.  What a pioneer.  What a terrific woman of God! 

Memorial Weekend~

Memorial weekend.  A 3 day weekend to us, but so much more.  My dad, my son, brother…. All veterans.  Thank you for your service!

This weekend as a kid meant heading to the lake.  Camping, boating, just having a ball with family… Some of the best memories.

As we have grown older those shifted more to swimming pools and cookouts.  We have always had a pool at one of our houses.  This weekend will be no different.  So, hamburgers/hot dogs, lots of laughter, lots of grandkids (for all of us), and plenty of sunshine and cold water!  I can’t wait.

I have tried (again) to date.  UGH!  I get excited and then let down.  I went out with 2 different men over the past several weeks and neither would be again.  Tonight I will once again and whether it is a hit or not, I am what I am and this is it.   I am tired of the long nights of questions, fake laughter and uncomfortableness of it all.

I am so thankful today.  Thankful that I am healthy,   I know some of my family is not.  I have reflected on my past life quite a bit this week.  Sometimes I cried, sometimes I sat in fear and mostly in awe of where I am today.  I can not say this enough.  God is so good…!!!!!!!!!

So, as this memorial day comes and goes I hope everyone stays safe and has a terrific weekend.

Tomorrow I will go to watch 60 hot air balloons take off at 6:30am.  They do this every year and I have yet to watch.  So, tomorrow will be a first!

 

 

Then What?

I can/do live thinking beyond or behind my circumstances.  Taking away from the here and now.  I believe all of us do to some extent.  Well the other day in thinking about my future, my relationships, my wants, desires, dreams- it hit me.... then what?  So you are blessed to receive the 'things' you want.  Then what?  When actually I have what i need and then some.  In prayers I have asked God for many things, some more than once or twice.  In reflection it is real clear I have gotten exactly what I needed and a lot of what I wanted.  Matter of fact anything I wanted and didn't get have been erased by the acknowledgement of seeing what I have instead.  Amazng Grace.

We lost another on Monday.  The disease of untreated alcoholism is deadly.  Does not care who it takes out.  And it took a precious soul who could not get her footing back after having over 7 years without that poison.  Dead.  Alone.  Family found her.  How awful.  My heart breaks for her kids.  Her parents, her grandchildren (whom she adored).  Damn this disease. 

I listened last night to a topic in a meeting.  A part in the big book of alcoholics anonymous, 'and we have ceased fighting everything and everyone'.  CEASED.  And how many really do?  If I feel cross at anyone for how they believe, I am fighting.  Lots of times during the day or week I am met head on by my defiance and my unwillingness to not have to 'be right' especially when I conceed, conceed and still am being beat up by anothers actions or words.  Ugh!

So in reading my meditation it clearly states over and over (daily) to keep my focus on God.  To stay connected ALL through the day.  Perfect peace can overtake the darkness of the situation when i 'stop fighting' that includes myself. 

Sounds powerful or it can be a curse.  Honestly every thing we go through can be turned into something positive and useful in God's world.  Turn my thoughts to someone I can help and get out of my head.  What about me, what about me, what about me?  Self centered to the core but asking God to direct my actions..

I am still stuck in my head about the relationship I have with 'him'.  I become angry just thinking about 'it'.  So God here is another part of my life that I can not change without help...........

Living Marginally

Living Marginally!

I am currently doing a study on just that.  At first I thought, I am, living marginally.  But, after last night I was shown differently.  The key areas:

Emotionally

Financially

Spiritually

 

For when/if we do live within and leaving margins, we are a)happier thus emotionally better; b)living within my means, therefore alleviating the stress of financial woes; and lastly c) living a faith based life which must include that trust in a supreme being.

 

Again, I stress, I thought I was.   I mean everyone has ‘those days’ when any one of the above can be off kilter a tad.  Yes, we do.  That does not mean it should tilt our apple cart.  That is the purpose of this study.  Oh boy, we are in for a ride.  I am excited.

 

All of these are truly connected.  Connected by that trust/faith in what can not be seen.  Errrr! (slam on brakes sound)  fear is the steering wheel.  FEAR!  FEAR!  FEAR!

 

Living beyond fear, doing ‘it’ afraid…. I have lots of growing to do. 

 

 

Sunday marked my 5 year anniversary with my current job.  Who would have seen that coming. 

To think just over that time frame ago I was about to jump ship on the job I had taken after leaving a job I had held for almost 8 years.  See I do not leave many jobs and when I do it has always been for a better position.  This was no exception.  I may struggle with personalities at times, but I can honestly say I am truly blessed.

 

Son has a pretty hefty surgery today.  He has been in so much pain for so long and finally he is willing to take care of it.  Of course the underlying fear (for him, his fiancé and me…) is the pain meds issue.  He knows that 3 years ago I was up against the same scenario and was taken back to that place of abuse.  Thank God, for me, I was back on the sobriety track within a few days of realizing where I was headed. 

 

So, air conditioning is out at the house and it will be almost 90 today.  Hoping that can be fixed today…..

 

Marginally….. think about it…….

Words of Wisdom? Not!

I have no words of wisdom.  What I have is experience.  That should always be our best wisdom, in my opinion.  I heard someone say the other day that our life experiences when shared can reach another like nothing else can.  I am surrounded by two groups of people outside my family that I have chosen to keep separate from the other.  One gave me a chance at a sober life.  Forever grateful to that group.  More importantly was coming into a relationship with God.   And then into a body of people that scared the heck out of me in the beginning.  Church.   So, am I ready to marry the two together?  The answer is no.  See in that first group, we are truly like dying men; we grab each other to find a common solution to live and move beyond alcoholism and drug addiction.  The latter is a continuation of my desire to find and fulfill my soul with something beyond that.  Hence, I keep showing up weekly and absorbing more, establishing more relationships and somehow trying to make sense of the life I lived and the life I am living.  None of this is wasted.  When I see the brokenness in someone and I can relate, I do.  Where I can help, I try.  If I hold back it is out of egoism and there is certainly room for change there.  Ego is where I disconnect from God, thinking (or fearing) I know better.  What a huge mistake.  But, learning is part of the journey.

There is no ‘arrival’ in this journey.  Well unless you factor in a place beyond here, then ok.  But in the interim there needs to be peace.  And I have days of that.  Not because of me, in spite of.   Relinquishing my grip on what I am certain I cannot live without; allows the journey to be God centered, not self-centered.   And may I say again, I am just crawling at this point. 

Ok, off track a tad.  The second set of folks I am talking about are a little scarier.  I have fought an internal battle over and over just to keep showing up.  Studying with these women each week was hard.  One night several months ago I just said, ok this is it.  I sit alone, feel alone…. I am alone.  Was this by choice?  Maybe some of it.  Finding my ‘place’ within was and is difficult.  How will they view me IF they knew?  Would they include me, if they found out?  Maybe they already know or suspect and they are keeping their distance.  Do not divulge any secrets here; they will only be used against you.   As time moves on, things began to change.  The relationships are growing and may move into that friendship stage.  Remember this could be dangerous waters.  After all I still carry shame inside of me.  But, as my life sections grow closer together, I begin to see how we are really all full of the same doubts, fears etc. 

Ok, I am ending this for now.  Just too long and really it is beginning to sound too negative.  It shouldn’t.  As I grow, some of the darkness disappears and light is beginning to filter in. 

Perhaps the 'light' will extinguish this...

 

Sunshine Lollypops and................

Sunshine and Lollypops.

Finally today we should see temps in the high 70’s.  It has been a L-O-N-G winter.  Not just here in the South, but everywhere.  I hope this is the beginning of warmer weather that will stay…

So, warmer temps and a beautiful blue sky.  Fantastic weather really does makes us feel better doesn’t it? 

A mention of a heavy subject last night at bible study.  Does God send suffering to make a point?  Is there a reason for all bad?  A very lively group that interjected lots of their own beliefs.  I sat and listened.  I guess I still have the concept that he will allow bad and does bestow good to those who seek him.  But it isn’t a ‘tit for tat’ matter.  He is not a score keeper (Thank you!)  However, the lingering thought this morning is what if we are all wrong?  We should never question why things happen?  NEVER?  I was born a questioner.  I don’t challenge all things, but I certainly look for answers rather than speculate. 

So, April fools day and I have no one to fool.  Dang!

 

I hope the day finds everyone enjoying something….

 

JJ

My Part, HIS part

MY PART

 

I have taken a blow to the gut today.  I couldn’t breathe.  It absolutely hit me hard.  It hurt.

When prayers change your course sometimes we leave people behind.  I know.  That doesn’t make it easy, it is just the facts.  However,  holding on just tight enough to keep what you are afraid to lose, isn’t the way to go.  And here I sit.

Now, I have had the chance to think this over.  And over.  And over.  Yup,  can’t let it go…yet. 

So, someone speaks their truth and if it hurts we are equipped to say, ‘well your entitled’.  Even if it hurts.  That is where I am. 

So, walking through the (a) hurt; (b) pain; (c) fear may just test my God waters.  I know that I know He will/ uh has done for me what I could not do for myself many times.  So, He will do this too.  In the meantime sitting in this may be uncomfortable. 

And like a big baby, I do not do uncomfortable well.  Or, for very long.

 

Day 1

HERE GOD!