Do we make a difference?

by "we" you know by now I mean the people doing the "deal' in the halls of our fellowship.  I say, YES.  Unfortunately there are many others that feel they are failed by our program.  I laugh at that notion.  As it says, follow us on this journey.  We don't ever have to drink again.  I believe that.  After some time if/when we do it is by choice, albeit a sad one. 
I sponsor a woman that is in constant crisis (within the infamous head of hers).  For the past year I have sat with her, I have listened to her, I have encouraged her, I have taken her through the steps, I have shown her how we are to help others.  She still says this is too hard.  she took a drink several weeks ago and got that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once.  I'm sure that seed will begin to grow. 
I know for me I had to grow into a place that really understood step 1.  GROW.  I mean to just say it was one thing.  To fully believe it is another.  The insidious disease we have will stop at nothing.  That is why we have a DAILY reprieve.  Cause when i let up on my spiritual growth the "old" me starts to creep back in, as it tries to hide underneath hurt, anger, you name it. 
Somedays I do shortcut this thing.  I don't read some material.  I may not make a meeting.  But at the end of the day I am assured one of the woman I sponsor (and love) will call and the program springs to action.  I love it. 

How incredible today seems.  It was 4 years ago on June 14th that I picked up what I pray is my last white chip.  Now, this year I picked up one of those bronze medallions with the #  IV on it.  I did not have those drunk dreams that seem to begin right around a birthday.  I did not feel different.  But I certainly felt blessed.  I almost cry when I reflect (without being morbid) on how I have changed in this short time.  But I try not to be flippent about the whole thing.  This has taken work and a whole lot of co-operation on my part.  See, I give my day to God and then by God! I act like I have.  I ACT like I want to be a sober woman.  And IF I react badly to a situation, I promptly admit it and look for ways to make it right.  I back out of the careless conversations about others.  Somehow, I walk in love now.  That is the miracle of it.  See, just not drinking was good, at first.  But it can't sustain me.  Not my alcoholic brain.  the one that can still go back to crappy thinking which can lead to bad living (and decisions).  I surround myself with people that are the same.  And the ones that aren't, I've learned to love them from afar. 
Last night we talked about early sobriety.  I can not remember how bad it was.  Oh! I remember him leaving.  I remember crying for months (ok years) over a broken life.  That sticks like glue to my memory.  But what do I remember of the early struggle to not take a drink (or other things)?  Not much.  I've tried.  Perhaps my brain refuses to think about it.  Sort of a mental block?!  So when it comes time to share I share MY experience which is, "i can not remember".  I hear (and think) too often we share what others want to hear.  Not me.  I know how futile it is to sit there listening when what is being shared does not come from their own experiences. 
So, to sum it up I've stayed sober by Gods Grace and doing the deal.  When I get that "thing" in my gut that says, uh uh uh.  I heed to it.  That is the conscience I've gotten from  this program.  On the occasions when I don't listen, I feel it.  I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm not comfortable.  And honestly, I do not like being that way. 
So, when my eyes open each morning I think to myself (which I believe reaches the God of my understanding) hurrah for another day.  Upon a wider awakening, I say, "God however I may be of service to you and others, please show me.  
A better deal?  You betcha!

Given time it changes....

I could not get beyond the depression I was in.  Been getting worse and worse.  I finally got to the doctor.  Went on an antidepressent.   Much needed.  I feel better already.   It is so hard to describe to someone the darkness and despair depression can cause.  I kept wondering, "what is wrong with my program"  what am I not addressing.  I did not get an answer.  Crying became a daily affair. 
To say that I have addressed every aspect of my physical well being since December is an understatement.  I have caught up on all doctor appts.  I work out religiously 3 x's a week, try to eat right, get plenty of rest.  So when I still was emotionally a wreck I knew something was wrong. 
So, my experience will change with this new avenue.  Even though the big book tells us that sometimes we have to seek outside help, I told myself I was ok.  Time has taken care of quite a bit of my mess, that and the steps.  But after 6 years in the program 5 of which have been sober, something was seriously chinking away at my armour. 
I began to hate to receive calls from sponsees.  I just believed my head when it said i have nothing to offer.  I began to hate the program, the people and myself.  I tried to confide in some folks I trusted but honestly they had no more idea of what to do than I did. 
There in lies a huge problem.  I have always looked to others for my answers.  Of sober living I think I'm relying of God but still go to others with my problems.  People that have not been through the same things can not know what to do.  Not even on their best days. 
That is why we say we share OUR experience, strength and hope.  OUR's.  I will remember that going forward. 
I am blessed not to have drank over the past few months.  Today I'm happy to say I am happy to be sober.  AND alive.  I could not have said that a month ago.........

Anger at whom?

When we give of our time, of ourselves exactly why do we and what do we want from that act?  I'm talking sponsorship.  I have sponsored woman that drop out of sight and others that stick around for all the promises to come true.  I have one that just doesn't get it.   She has asked someone to help her.  Really?  My first thought and knee jerk reaction was.... well  F her.   However, when she called me after that my heart jumped to be able to offer her some solution based living.  It's up to her if she uses these suggestions or not.   I hung up thinking how miraculous it was that I did not tell her to get lost.  To use the school yard tactics of a 5 year old to make my point.  HUH!  You don't want me then FINE!   We all know what I'm talking about.   Not doing that told me there is a power greater than all of us that steps in and IF we allow that power to flow, life is better.  
She is a wonderful woman.  Struggling w/ early sobriety.  What if i had been pushed aside early on?  What if whomever was sponsoring me (at that time, as I have had a few) told me to find someone else?! 
The emotionally immature side of me (then) would have been devistated.  Cause I would make it all about me!  She doesn't like me!  Whaaa!  
Now, full circle, I just listened w/ love and understanding while she stated her position.  
No anger, no retaliation.  Just love.
Wow.  God you are awesome and I am so excited to be a vessel for YOUR message. 

Life AND Death

I can choose to live a free woman.  Free from alcohol.  And I do.  Because I have found a solution to what ails me.  A solution to that deep grinding angst that seemed to be present from early childhood.  That is why I now understand when people say they are grateful recovering people.  Grateful to now have a way to live that allows others to co-exist with us with less behavior modification on their part. 

And sometimes WE need to ask for help

Serious mess.   Me.  Yes, me.   I was spinning out of control and have been since December.  I had made a decision to let him go and move on.  He wanted that anyway so I stepped up and did it.  I hated it, but I did.
And I was so sad.  This too shall pass.  Oh really?  When?  For me I kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting.  I got worse.  I kept asking sponsorship for help.  I was told to hold on.  That being sober long term will help.  Really?  How long term?   I need help now.   I finally broke.  I was a mess and worse yet I could not find a solution (for me) in the steps.  I was devistated.  
And so I did what I have always done.  I called him.  And he rejected me again.   Now what?   Suicide ran through my mind.  Really?  Is it that bad?  I can't pray through this?  Ok, what step?  What character defect?  What?  What?  What?
And then it happened.  Maybe drinking will help.  I know it won't but feeling bad is killing me.  Literally.
Being told just to stop isn't working either.  My solution shall be my own.  Not what worked for someone else.  I grabbed the big book.   the 12x12.  I was really scared.
Then I saw a woman friend in the program.  Help was all I could cry.   She met w/ me last night for 2 hours.  we cried.  We laughed.  But most of all she shared some of her story and I gave her my details.  And the connection gave me great hope.  I began to laugh.  I felt hope.  I felt connected.  I knew that I was going to be ok.  She gave me tidbits that I could use. 
My relationship with me.  It just isn't there.  But now I will work on that.  Being ok w/ me.  Being ok to BE me.  And in the interim, don't drink and do not call him again.  I deleted his # from my phone.  HUGE!  It's been there since our divorce.   I am slowly ready to stop. 
It continues to amaze me how off the beam I can become.  How scared and lost I get.  now I know why people drink again.  When the relief I seek doesn't come or doesn't come quick enough I will take matters into my own hands.  And we all know how scary that is or can be.
I will say this.  I slept like a baby.  I woke up and asked God to help me and I knew that he would.  I knew that he was.  I knew that I knew that I knew. 
I feel a connection.... again.
Thank you God and the fellowship of this program.

Sometimes you just have to let them go.....

So I have a sponsee that just can't or won't get onboard with the program.  Calls when life is too tough and cries because God isn't listening.  Oh really?  Keep trying is what I told her. 
So last night I get a call just before midnight.  She just can't go on.  It's too hard.  I don't understand.   This isn't working.   Here we go again. 
I said a quick silent prayer not to lose my patience with her.  And then I just told her,  "I am not the source!  God is"  I've given her all the information I have, maybe it's time to do something else.  I can not keep spoon feeding her. 
She hung up crying.  I'm sure she feels abandoned.  But no matter how many times we talk (over a year now) she just keeps doing the same thing over and over.  I'm at a loss as to how to help and really,  it's out of my hands.  At least that is what I have to tell myself. 

We can go on to the bitter end blocking out...............................