And sometimes WE need to ask for help

Serious mess.   Me.  Yes, me.   I was spinning out of control and have been since December.  I had made a decision to let him go and move on.  He wanted that anyway so I stepped up and did it.  I hated it, but I did.
And I was so sad.  This too shall pass.  Oh really?  When?  For me I kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting.  I got worse.  I kept asking sponsorship for help.  I was told to hold on.  That being sober long term will help.  Really?  How long term?   I need help now.   I finally broke.  I was a mess and worse yet I could not find a solution (for me) in the steps.  I was devistated.  
And so I did what I have always done.  I called him.  And he rejected me again.   Now what?   Suicide ran through my mind.  Really?  Is it that bad?  I can't pray through this?  Ok, what step?  What character defect?  What?  What?  What?
And then it happened.  Maybe drinking will help.  I know it won't but feeling bad is killing me.  Literally.
Being told just to stop isn't working either.  My solution shall be my own.  Not what worked for someone else.  I grabbed the big book.   the 12x12.  I was really scared.
Then I saw a woman friend in the program.  Help was all I could cry.   She met w/ me last night for 2 hours.  we cried.  We laughed.  But most of all she shared some of her story and I gave her my details.  And the connection gave me great hope.  I began to laugh.  I felt hope.  I felt connected.  I knew that I was going to be ok.  She gave me tidbits that I could use. 
My relationship with me.  It just isn't there.  But now I will work on that.  Being ok w/ me.  Being ok to BE me.  And in the interim, don't drink and do not call him again.  I deleted his # from my phone.  HUGE!  It's been there since our divorce.   I am slowly ready to stop. 
It continues to amaze me how off the beam I can become.  How scared and lost I get.  now I know why people drink again.  When the relief I seek doesn't come or doesn't come quick enough I will take matters into my own hands.  And we all know how scary that is or can be.
I will say this.  I slept like a baby.  I woke up and asked God to help me and I knew that he would.  I knew that he was.  I knew that I knew that I knew. 
I feel a connection.... again.
Thank you God and the fellowship of this program.