Life AND Death

I can choose to live a free woman.  Free from alcohol.  And I do.  Because I have found a solution to what ails me.  A solution to that deep grinding angst that seemed to be present from early childhood.  That is why I now understand when people say they are grateful recovering people.  Grateful to now have a way to live that allows others to co-exist with us with less behavior modification on their part. 

And sometimes WE need to ask for help

Serious mess.   Me.  Yes, me.   I was spinning out of control and have been since December.  I had made a decision to let him go and move on.  He wanted that anyway so I stepped up and did it.  I hated it, but I did.
And I was so sad.  This too shall pass.  Oh really?  When?  For me I kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting.  I got worse.  I kept asking sponsorship for help.  I was told to hold on.  That being sober long term will help.  Really?  How long term?   I need help now.   I finally broke.  I was a mess and worse yet I could not find a solution (for me) in the steps.  I was devistated.  
And so I did what I have always done.  I called him.  And he rejected me again.   Now what?   Suicide ran through my mind.  Really?  Is it that bad?  I can't pray through this?  Ok, what step?  What character defect?  What?  What?  What?
And then it happened.  Maybe drinking will help.  I know it won't but feeling bad is killing me.  Literally.
Being told just to stop isn't working either.  My solution shall be my own.  Not what worked for someone else.  I grabbed the big book.   the 12x12.  I was really scared.
Then I saw a woman friend in the program.  Help was all I could cry.   She met w/ me last night for 2 hours.  we cried.  We laughed.  But most of all she shared some of her story and I gave her my details.  And the connection gave me great hope.  I began to laugh.  I felt hope.  I felt connected.  I knew that I was going to be ok.  She gave me tidbits that I could use. 
My relationship with me.  It just isn't there.  But now I will work on that.  Being ok w/ me.  Being ok to BE me.  And in the interim, don't drink and do not call him again.  I deleted his # from my phone.  HUGE!  It's been there since our divorce.   I am slowly ready to stop. 
It continues to amaze me how off the beam I can become.  How scared and lost I get.  now I know why people drink again.  When the relief I seek doesn't come or doesn't come quick enough I will take matters into my own hands.  And we all know how scary that is or can be.
I will say this.  I slept like a baby.  I woke up and asked God to help me and I knew that he would.  I knew that he was.  I knew that I knew that I knew. 
I feel a connection.... again.
Thank you God and the fellowship of this program.

Sometimes you just have to let them go.....

So I have a sponsee that just can't or won't get onboard with the program.  Calls when life is too tough and cries because God isn't listening.  Oh really?  Keep trying is what I told her. 
So last night I get a call just before midnight.  She just can't go on.  It's too hard.  I don't understand.   This isn't working.   Here we go again. 
I said a quick silent prayer not to lose my patience with her.  And then I just told her,  "I am not the source!  God is"  I've given her all the information I have, maybe it's time to do something else.  I can not keep spoon feeding her. 
She hung up crying.  I'm sure she feels abandoned.  But no matter how many times we talk (over a year now) she just keeps doing the same thing over and over.  I'm at a loss as to how to help and really,  it's out of my hands.  At least that is what I have to tell myself. 

We can go on to the bitter end blocking out...............................

Character Defects

So I thought I had done steps 6 & 7.  However, I was reading a book that talks about those 2 steps and how exactly they can change our lives.  that when people say I need to do another 4th step that perhaps what they need to do is look at their character defects.  So I read on.  The part in the bb only has a few short lines referring to these crucial steps.  That amazes me.  But, as I read it says that God reveals more as we grow spiritually.  Thank God for that cause I am easily overwhelmed. 
How we allow that to happen is still a work in progress for me.  But, I pray for willingness......... daily

Speaking up.

Speaking at meetings has always come easily for me.  Why wouldn't it?  I'm a egotistical recovering person.  Well at times that comes across louder than others.  Is all that I share ego driven?  I hope not.  I hope that I am not speaking to hear myself, but rather to help another. 
Being the 'speaker" at a meeting is something entirely different.  It's hard and uncomfortable if for only a few minutes.  I experienced that this weekend.  Speaking at a small group where I had never been before.  And no one seemed to even be paying attention.  That made me feel like what I was saying wasn't important to anyone there.  I kept focusing on "the primary purpose" during the talk.  No head nods, no smiles.  What was going on there?  Was anyone happy to be sober AND at a meeting?  Just didn't seem so.  Afterwards a few members came up and thanked me for being there.  But what I realized is the only ones that did were long term sobriety.  I have no idea about the rest.  I took it to heart at first and then found the answer inside of me.  I was there to carry a message.  How they receive it is none of my busines..   Who knows maybe someone woke up Sunday morning happy to be alive and sober and remembered something I shared?! 
If not I can say that I stayed sober and had a good time doing so.

Working at being ok

Is that what we are supposed to do?  WORK at it?  Well let's break it down like this:  I may not be working at being ok, but I certainly do "work" at not creating more damage which ultimately keeps me in that "ok" place. 
I so want God working in my life that I am willing on a daily basis to do a few things.  Pray.  The 3rd step prayer gives me the exact direction I need.  I try to read out of our BB everyday.  I work with others, attend meetings.  And keep that contact all throughout the day. 
Thank you God for all that I am and all that I'm not..

Taking Action and then what?

I was perplexed.  No wait.  No I wasn't.  I was lost in self and self seeking motives.  I tried to venture out in this new life to date.  I couldn't.  It was disasterous.  Have I been alone too long.  Has sobriety changed me so much that I can not put up with anyones dumb behavior?  Not sure.  But I prayed without ceasing (isn't that what our literature says to do?) to find the answer to life's problems.  See he is still in my heart.  And very much in my life.  That man.  The one I've loved since 1991.  So, knowing I could move on and should, I asked God to help me do the right thing.  Which is stop seeing him.  So I told him, again.  We both cried but he does not want the old me.  REALLY?  Heck neither do I.  So, it ended again.  I'm free.  Or am I?  There is a part of me that just feels like all that he'n and she'n just messes w/ my mind.  So I took the action (telling him goodbye) and now?  Now what?  How do I wait to see what will happen?  Who am I kidding.  There is no waiting.  It's living silly.  Living while my God opens doors for me.  Doors that I couldn't have imagined.  He has done it several times since June 2007.  And my mind thinks that I can see or know my future.  Don't count on it.  I can't see around corners. 
Somedays I'm content just being.  Being me, single.  Other days I may panic about the future but feel certain I'm in good hands....
Where else should I be?   It feels right.  It feels good.  Today.