Quietness

I looked back at the last few posts.  It's been a few days.  I could feel the anger oozing out of me and on to the page.  YUCK.
Thank God I have had some good days since.  Good as far as work goes.  Somedays I still feel the iritation, but it's better.  I'm better.
I got a call from a sponsee the other day.  She was pitifully upset over a work matter.  I could feel her sense of urgency to be relieved of her hurt and anger.  Wow did that bring me back.  I urged her to get to the next available meeting.  We talked later about what really happened (internally).  We are such emotional creatures.  I believe that gets better but does it ever go away?  I mean am I asking God to change who he made me to be?  I know that sober I am an intelligent woman.  I am caring and love helping people.  But give me a day where it's all uphill and I will swear none of this is worth it.  And then I hit my knees and get re-connected. 
Son had to go again.  Stole computer and father's dulcimer (which to me and my family can not be replaced).  I got the items back after getting the pawn tickets from him.  I have only seen him a few times since then (which is probably 3 weeks now).  I know he is living on the streets.  It breaks my heart.  I pray for him to find peace.  To sober up.  Sometimes I wonder how he keeps going w/ nothing to live for.  I have given him to God, for his peace and mine.
The relationship is still on.  I can not put into words how I feel about it anymore.  It changes.  I know that lately I can feel the pull to stop.  A God thing totally.  But I still yearn for a person to love.  A relationship like what we HAD.  IF I truly had enough faith wouldn't I allow God to direct me in all my affairs (no pun intended). 
God is awesome.  I feel His presence so often.  I am in awe when I allow my spirit to be guided.

Another sober, useful day.

Can I give praise too?

I had a God moment this morning.  After that exhaustive rant yesterday that culmintated with a teary drive home, I was so tired of living the way I was.  this morning I got up fully rested.  I got out my meditation books and started reading.  During my prayer time I had this thought.  I am trying to change my circumstances to fit me.  Please God make coworker act right.  He treats me terribly.  Well here is what happened.  In my God time I heard this; why are you trying so hard to get him to like you?  You don't like him.  Yes, you are the spirited one that enjoys and thrives off of praise.  That of which is never handed out in this house of employment.  I have prayed to be happy.  I have prayed to accept.  you name it.  What hit me like a ton of bricks this morning was that IF I had everyone acting right that my self worth would still be lacking.  That if being good at my job is what fires me up then find a job that I can shine in.  I am not talking about jumping everytime I dont' like my job.  But this place sucks the life out of me.  I am a fish swimming upstream.  Exhausted and miserable.  It won't go on.  My plan will be to find employment elsewhere.  That is the start.  A mini 4th step showed me some interesting things:
1)  Not being noticed or enough is leftover childhood trauma.   I don't matter.
2)  Find my "matter" in helping others.  Not in tearing apart the people that hurt me. 
3)  I am living the problem if I don't look at myself.  HE won't change.  But I can.  I can ask for help w/ me attitude.  My direction.  I may not have complete love inside but I don't have to have hate.  I don't want to hate.  Hate is not God given.  So, today I am ok.  Even a little chiper.  I know I am a work in progress but I don't have to be a mess during my construction phase. 

I am going to see "him" tonight.  I broke down and called him and offered to come stay the weekend.  He is excited and I suppose I am too.  Whatever that means.  Whatever happens.  I will be ok.

God is awesome and I know life will work out. 

Staying sober is the most important part, next to God!

Crazy - ness!

It's been one of "those days".  Hate, hate, hate the coworker so badly I want to run away.  I want to scream at the top of my voice at him,  ASSHOLE! 
I have prayed for relief for me.  Trying to "come to terms with" why I am so out of sorts here. 
here is my list:
*  I am a person that needs a word of encouragement now and then.
*  I am on edge constantly fearing I'll make a mistake.  I am always on guard so that the asshole won't have a reason to talk down to me.
*  No matter how hard I try, I am not liked here and I can feel it to my bones.
*  I keep retreating into my shell and my cubicle.  I need to leave.  I want to leave.   I will.

I have worked steps on this.  I see my part but that does not give me the relief I need.  Today is really bad.  Not having another worker to bounce this off of makes it 100x's worse.  It all gets stored internally.  Reinforcing those bad thoughts about myself:  your no good.  you are stupid.  you are a woman and do not have the sense to do this job.  I could continue........

Now, living w/ the truth is easier.   But today I was immersed in the problem.
Truthfully:  the coworker is an ass.  But I can not change him.   I must release this anger to God and move on.  Problem is everyday I am met w/ this kind of bullshit. 
Truthfully:  Some days I enjoy being here, but lately they are few and far between. 
Truthfully:  If there were more coworkers around and not just the 3 of us, i wouldn't give him the time of day.  But I need him for direction, which only comes when I make mistakes.
Truthfully:  They are both piss poor teachers.  They both act like they are God and I am not.
Truthfully:  That I ask God for relief.  And then I wait.  I turn my thoughts to something else.  OR it will consume my entire being.  Oh wait....... Too late.

I want to stay sober today.  Emotionally, Physically and most of all Spiritually.  Tomorrow will be different.  I pray daily for the desire and ability to handle the emotions of this place.  

Today they won.  Well no they haven't.  I am sober and I haven't killed anyone.  I am a good person and I can be a good worker.. given enough training.. AND treated like I matter.........

We can't save anyone from their pain

At my regular 6pm meeting last night there was a young girl that came in.  Hurting from addiction withdrawl which I know all too well.  She had been in a halfway house for 6 months and relapsed as soon as she got out.  What goes wrong?  Spriritual Malady.   We let go of what we know to be doing daily.  That head noise gets too loud and we either pick up the spiritual part of our program or we drink (or other things).
She left the meeting and hit it again.  I heard this morning she may try another round of rehab.
We can't take away pain.  We can't keep anyone sober.  But I can lend my experience when asked.  I am so grateful not to be in her pain today. 
The relationship issue is still ongoing.  He called this morning and I just can't bring myself to say stop.  What if I change my mind.  I am trying to let this die a natural death.  Make sense?
I was reminded again this morning of how letting God direct our paths (and theirs too) is not always easy but once we make a start we keep going.  No matter what.
My insides get weak and I ask for help.  This is no different than my other addictions.  I can't do this alone.

Spiritual Malady

I have not been so "spiritual" lately.  I know this because I am angry, frightened, self absorbed need I go on?  I will post what was sent to me about this spiritual malady we suffer from:  Worth reading again.

=======================================================

  What is this "spiritual malady" we alcoholics suffer from and how can "untreated alcoholism" cause an alcoholic to return to drinking--EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO? What is the remedy for it?

Imagine three layers. The first layer is our bodily reaction to alcohol when we ingest the drink--the physical craving. Under that is the second layer: the insanity of the mind just before the first drink--the mental obsession. Under that is the third layer - the "spiritual malady": the inward condition of untreated alcoholism. Symptoms of this "third layer" as described in the Big Book include:

1. being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),

2. having trouble with personal relationships,

3. not being able to control our emotional natures,

4. being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,

5. not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),

6. having feelings of uselessness,

7. being full of fear,

8. unhappiness,

9. inability to be of real help to other people (page 52 - #2 thru #9),

10. being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),

11. being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),

12. self-will run riot (page 62),

13. leading a double life (page 73),

14. living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and

15. exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These name just a few of the symptoms of the spiritual malady" that’s described throughout our text. But still in all, these are just symptoms of the "spiritual malady."

What is it really? What is the driving force of the symptoms described above?

On page 62 the text explains that "Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." This "SELFISHNESS-self-centeredness" (or the "ego", as some people refer to it) drives us to respond to life situations with the above "symptoms" as well as disorders and addictions other than alcoholism.

If this selfishness-self-centeredness continues to manifest in an alcoholic’s life--EVEN IN SOMEONE WHO IS NOT DRINKING AND CONTINUES TO ATTEND MEETINGS--and the ego is not smashed and re-smashed by continuous application of all twelve steps, the sober (or "just not drinking") alcoholic is sure to drink again eventually ... or even worse, continue to live miserably being "undrunk" (better known as a "dry drunk"). This is why we see people with 10 years in A.A. wind up in mental institutions--AND THEY HAVEN’T HAD A DROP TO DRINK!

You see, if I continue to act out with selfish--self-centered--ego-driven behaviors I will continue to experience the symptoms of the "spiritual malady." If I continue to experience this inward unmanageability, eventually my mind will seek out the "sense of ease and comfort" it thinks it can receive from taking a drink. Or, my ego can deceive me into thinking I’m doing perfectly fine. (i.e.: Fred’s story in Chapter 3... Fred drank when there wasn’t "a cloud on the horizon".)

Typically, we’ll tell ourselves and others, "Well, at least I’m not drinking." All of a sudden, I can experience a "strange mental blank-spot"--otherwise known as a "sober blackout"--and before it even hits me I’m pounding on the bar asking myself "How’d this happened?"

So, ask yourself if you’re suffering from the "spiritual malady"--particularly if you haven’t had a drink for a while. What condition is your "inner life" in, currently? Are you experiencing any of the symptoms listed previously?

* Has it been a while since you’ve taken another alcoholic through the Steps?

* Has it been a while since you have gone through the steps?

* Have you ever taken all of A.A.’s Twelve Steps?

* Have you done more than one 4th Step inventory?

* Have you completed all your 9th Step amends wherever possible?

* Is there something wrong in your life that you will not face and make right?

* Is there a habit or indulgence you will not give up?

* Is there a person you will not forgive?

* Is there a wrong relationship in your life you will not give up?

* Is there a restitution you will not make?

* Is there something God has already told you to do that you will not obey?

**Are you working with the disciplines and practices of steps Ten and Eleven (self-examination, meditation and prayer)...consistently... EVERY DAY?*

Happy Halloween

This day is for kids to run around happily collecting all the candy that they can.  I remember those days well and enjoyed them so much.  
You know if you have read my blog that I love talking about being sober.  Sober living and thinking.  Some days are rough and some are fantastic.  Today I want to blog about standing up to someone for wrong behavior.  Now, if this didn't affect me I would say this is not my concern.  It does. 
Small office setting and commission work should say it all.  I have noticed for sometime that my "quotes" have been redone by the co-worker and policies written that now have no sign of my name on them.  Well I kept shaking my head in disbelief,  even talked to him about it a time or two. Each time he ignored me and pretty much just shut me down.  I started making notes in files.  Where you could not ignore me.   Well it happened again and Friday I spoke up.  Now, that took an act of courage that I can not even tell you about.  I talked to our boss first and formost and he was shocked.  He advised me to talk to the co-worker.  Now also let me preface this by the fact that he is good at what we do.  Well he has over 10 years of experience to my 3.   That should be expected.  Their is a certain amount of arrogance that permiates the air here too.  And as my "ick" takes over it tells me I don't matter.  That of course he does this, he is better at it.  I need not go further.
So, 4:45pm on Friday I ask him about it.  I was not prepared for an arguement.  I was not prepared to defend anything about myself.  But that is what happened.  He jumped into me w/ both feet and refused to listen to anything I had to say.  I felt so defeted.  so wronged.  Why had I said anything anyway.
Fast forward to today.   I am not sorry I spoke up.  I'm sorry I didn't stand up taller.  When I was backed into the corner I stood my ground but felt like I was scrambling to defend every day I have been here ...
You could cut the air w/ a knife.  
Being sober and staying sober things just happen.  People offend us, we offend others.  We have a program that allows us to stay sober by keeping our side of the street clean.  And I tried.  I won't let this get so out of hand again.  Letting resentments build is like poison to us.  It did not good to me or the office.
So we live and learn.  We grow and digress.  We dont' drink and hopefully we get new days and other chances to be productive. 
God you know what's best for everyone.  I try to remember that.

Sober by grace!

Gratitude

Does that make you cringe?  Does it make you want to run or make your chest rise w/ a full heart?  Over the weekend I had an experience with a family member.  A much in the throws of the addiction member.  His wife had left him the night before.  Was drinking an issue? Probably.  But he started off by saying he had to quit, he needed to go back to church.  He needed to change.  RIGHT NOW!  So she would come home. 
I have been there.  I well remember those feeling of complete fear and shame and guilt and anger.....   But for me that was certainly the catylist of my beginning to want something different.  I pray it will be his. 
I did not talk program to him.  But listened to the pain in his voice.  We drink beyond human aid and then try with all we have to stop the problem.  When we don't have the necessary power.  But we don't know that.  I didn't.  I found out after being plunked in the middle of the AA program.
Is life better today?  Yes.  I have peace of mind.  I like myself so much more.  I can allow YOU to live like you need or want to. 
See I believe that stopping is just the beginning.  He may be about to experience that. 
Loving our family and friends during the deepest of dispair may be hard.  But I will never turn my back on anyone reaching out..