We can't save anyone from their pain

At my regular 6pm meeting last night there was a young girl that came in.  Hurting from addiction withdrawl which I know all too well.  She had been in a halfway house for 6 months and relapsed as soon as she got out.  What goes wrong?  Spriritual Malady.   We let go of what we know to be doing daily.  That head noise gets too loud and we either pick up the spiritual part of our program or we drink (or other things).
She left the meeting and hit it again.  I heard this morning she may try another round of rehab.
We can't take away pain.  We can't keep anyone sober.  But I can lend my experience when asked.  I am so grateful not to be in her pain today. 
The relationship issue is still ongoing.  He called this morning and I just can't bring myself to say stop.  What if I change my mind.  I am trying to let this die a natural death.  Make sense?
I was reminded again this morning of how letting God direct our paths (and theirs too) is not always easy but once we make a start we keep going.  No matter what.
My insides get weak and I ask for help.  This is no different than my other addictions.  I can't do this alone.

Spiritual Malady

I have not been so "spiritual" lately.  I know this because I am angry, frightened, self absorbed need I go on?  I will post what was sent to me about this spiritual malady we suffer from:  Worth reading again.

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  What is this "spiritual malady" we alcoholics suffer from and how can "untreated alcoholism" cause an alcoholic to return to drinking--EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO? What is the remedy for it?

Imagine three layers. The first layer is our bodily reaction to alcohol when we ingest the drink--the physical craving. Under that is the second layer: the insanity of the mind just before the first drink--the mental obsession. Under that is the third layer - the "spiritual malady": the inward condition of untreated alcoholism. Symptoms of this "third layer" as described in the Big Book include:

1. being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),

2. having trouble with personal relationships,

3. not being able to control our emotional natures,

4. being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,

5. not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),

6. having feelings of uselessness,

7. being full of fear,

8. unhappiness,

9. inability to be of real help to other people (page 52 - #2 thru #9),

10. being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),

11. being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),

12. self-will run riot (page 62),

13. leading a double life (page 73),

14. living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and

15. exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These name just a few of the symptoms of the spiritual malady" that’s described throughout our text. But still in all, these are just symptoms of the "spiritual malady."

What is it really? What is the driving force of the symptoms described above?

On page 62 the text explains that "Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." This "SELFISHNESS-self-centeredness" (or the "ego", as some people refer to it) drives us to respond to life situations with the above "symptoms" as well as disorders and addictions other than alcoholism.

If this selfishness-self-centeredness continues to manifest in an alcoholic’s life--EVEN IN SOMEONE WHO IS NOT DRINKING AND CONTINUES TO ATTEND MEETINGS--and the ego is not smashed and re-smashed by continuous application of all twelve steps, the sober (or "just not drinking") alcoholic is sure to drink again eventually ... or even worse, continue to live miserably being "undrunk" (better known as a "dry drunk"). This is why we see people with 10 years in A.A. wind up in mental institutions--AND THEY HAVEN’T HAD A DROP TO DRINK!

You see, if I continue to act out with selfish--self-centered--ego-driven behaviors I will continue to experience the symptoms of the "spiritual malady." If I continue to experience this inward unmanageability, eventually my mind will seek out the "sense of ease and comfort" it thinks it can receive from taking a drink. Or, my ego can deceive me into thinking I’m doing perfectly fine. (i.e.: Fred’s story in Chapter 3... Fred drank when there wasn’t "a cloud on the horizon".)

Typically, we’ll tell ourselves and others, "Well, at least I’m not drinking." All of a sudden, I can experience a "strange mental blank-spot"--otherwise known as a "sober blackout"--and before it even hits me I’m pounding on the bar asking myself "How’d this happened?"

So, ask yourself if you’re suffering from the "spiritual malady"--particularly if you haven’t had a drink for a while. What condition is your "inner life" in, currently? Are you experiencing any of the symptoms listed previously?

* Has it been a while since you’ve taken another alcoholic through the Steps?

* Has it been a while since you have gone through the steps?

* Have you ever taken all of A.A.’s Twelve Steps?

* Have you done more than one 4th Step inventory?

* Have you completed all your 9th Step amends wherever possible?

* Is there something wrong in your life that you will not face and make right?

* Is there a habit or indulgence you will not give up?

* Is there a person you will not forgive?

* Is there a wrong relationship in your life you will not give up?

* Is there a restitution you will not make?

* Is there something God has already told you to do that you will not obey?

**Are you working with the disciplines and practices of steps Ten and Eleven (self-examination, meditation and prayer)...consistently... EVERY DAY?*

Happy Halloween

This day is for kids to run around happily collecting all the candy that they can.  I remember those days well and enjoyed them so much.  
You know if you have read my blog that I love talking about being sober.  Sober living and thinking.  Some days are rough and some are fantastic.  Today I want to blog about standing up to someone for wrong behavior.  Now, if this didn't affect me I would say this is not my concern.  It does. 
Small office setting and commission work should say it all.  I have noticed for sometime that my "quotes" have been redone by the co-worker and policies written that now have no sign of my name on them.  Well I kept shaking my head in disbelief,  even talked to him about it a time or two. Each time he ignored me and pretty much just shut me down.  I started making notes in files.  Where you could not ignore me.   Well it happened again and Friday I spoke up.  Now, that took an act of courage that I can not even tell you about.  I talked to our boss first and formost and he was shocked.  He advised me to talk to the co-worker.  Now also let me preface this by the fact that he is good at what we do.  Well he has over 10 years of experience to my 3.   That should be expected.  Their is a certain amount of arrogance that permiates the air here too.  And as my "ick" takes over it tells me I don't matter.  That of course he does this, he is better at it.  I need not go further.
So, 4:45pm on Friday I ask him about it.  I was not prepared for an arguement.  I was not prepared to defend anything about myself.  But that is what happened.  He jumped into me w/ both feet and refused to listen to anything I had to say.  I felt so defeted.  so wronged.  Why had I said anything anyway.
Fast forward to today.   I am not sorry I spoke up.  I'm sorry I didn't stand up taller.  When I was backed into the corner I stood my ground but felt like I was scrambling to defend every day I have been here ...
You could cut the air w/ a knife.  
Being sober and staying sober things just happen.  People offend us, we offend others.  We have a program that allows us to stay sober by keeping our side of the street clean.  And I tried.  I won't let this get so out of hand again.  Letting resentments build is like poison to us.  It did not good to me or the office.
So we live and learn.  We grow and digress.  We dont' drink and hopefully we get new days and other chances to be productive. 
God you know what's best for everyone.  I try to remember that.

Sober by grace!

Gratitude

Does that make you cringe?  Does it make you want to run or make your chest rise w/ a full heart?  Over the weekend I had an experience with a family member.  A much in the throws of the addiction member.  His wife had left him the night before.  Was drinking an issue? Probably.  But he started off by saying he had to quit, he needed to go back to church.  He needed to change.  RIGHT NOW!  So she would come home. 
I have been there.  I well remember those feeling of complete fear and shame and guilt and anger.....   But for me that was certainly the catylist of my beginning to want something different.  I pray it will be his. 
I did not talk program to him.  But listened to the pain in his voice.  We drink beyond human aid and then try with all we have to stop the problem.  When we don't have the necessary power.  But we don't know that.  I didn't.  I found out after being plunked in the middle of the AA program.
Is life better today?  Yes.  I have peace of mind.  I like myself so much more.  I can allow YOU to live like you need or want to. 
See I believe that stopping is just the beginning.  He may be about to experience that. 
Loving our family and friends during the deepest of dispair may be hard.  But I will never turn my back on anyone reaching out..

Somedays life is great........

I am learning daily not to live by my feelings.  Waking up used to be a chore.  I would be so sad that I would cry till time to go to work.  How sad is that?  Well those feelings still crop up.  But today I try to see them as they really are.  Walk through them and know that life is going to/  uh is ok.
I have begun training to work on our local crisis line.  There is so much to learn.  I think/thought I was a good listener.  And I am.  But listening is only part of it.  I have spent the past 4 years coaching woman with the same disease I have, alcoholism.  Leading them to solutions that are tried and true.  Well, this isn't the case with the help line.  Proactive listening would be a good term.  Non judgemental.  Leaving our own feelings out of the conversation.  Thank God this is a training class.  about 30 hours of classroom and reading of the "manuel".   I am intrigued and willing to volunteer.  Is this the right avenue for me?  A good fit?  We will see.  If not, I will not hang my head in shame.  I will understand me better and look elsewhere for an opportunity to serve.
One thing I won't forget is I am sober today by God's grace.  There are no good works to get his love, but giving back helps ME to feel better and hopefully will help someone else.

When to tell it all

I recently went through (if you read this you know) a really tough time.  During that time I tried to keep up w/ my sponsee's to the best of my ability.  I felt like what I was going through was not to be discussed w/ them.  You know, they come to me (or us) for direction, help, etc.  Not to hear me whine.  Well a friend in the program with almost 30 years sober, told me that is wrong.  We are human and fallible.  We get sick, some of us drink again.  And I had no business not being honest w/ them.  I realized what she said made sense.  Why would I want anyone to think I'm "fine".  If I'm not. 
So, through this all I have lost a sponsee but my other 2 stayed.  They are so precious to me.  More friendships have come of this whole "will you help me" mode than anything. 
I still have 2 weeks till I can chair meetings again.  Going by our strict code of 90 days sober (yes, the old white chip for a few pain pills still haunts me).  I will feel a part of once again.
Staying sober is not a chore, it's a gift. 
Thank you God for keeping me sober (yes KEEPING me).  I co-operate and look what happens.   Amazing!

It's getting better.... in spite of what I think

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my dental work.  Well 3 from when it began but 2 since the majority of it was done.  And I am so happy to say that the pain is diminishing.  No need for anything stronger than Motrin.  I am able to eat a little more.  I actually got up at 4am to get to the gym.  I haven't been in weeks and boy did it feel wonderful.  For me, I need that physical part of my life.  It gives me a great lift both physically and mentally. 
I went to my normal meeting last night.  It wasn't as packed as normal but it was a good meeting all the same.  We did have a fella come in and cry something we couldn't understand.  He went on and on and really made little sense.  They finally cut him off and he seemed agravated.  My gratitude was so much so just not to be where he was at that moment.  Early sobriety sucks. 
I know I have a God that gives me power to get through any situation.  Taping into it is another story. 
But staying sober is the most important thing in my life, everything else comes second to that.