Emotional Week...

A very long, emotional week.  I have had a major issue since last week w/ a tooth.  I went to the dentist on Tue to find out I have a bad infection.  After a few prescriptions off I went.  I was miserable by the next day.   Anyway, today is 3 days later and I can at least close my mouth.  It is getting better.   On the same day as all that, a guy hit me in the rear.  It made me sick.  I am close to paying this car off (which is huge for this gal) and now it's banged up.  He doesn't seem to have insurance and the damages to my car is just over my deductible so no reason to file a claim.  
Work has been destructive to my spirit this week too.  So, as you can see, i am more than ready for the weekend.  No comittements, no rushing, no nothing.
Being sober does not mean life stops.  On the contrary.  It is wide open and I get to participate...  

Character Defect or the truth

You ever worry what someone thinks of you?  They tell me it's non of my business, I disagree.  I mean sure, not everyone is going to like us, right?  But if there is something I am responsible for, something I have done, then I need to know.  Work is like that.  But I don't know.  I mean I'm not treated badly.  Just like I dont matter, which brings up insecurity to the hilt.   I have tried working the steps on this, but honestly, some days I just wish I could run away from the feelings i incurr here at work.  Male mentality does not go well with female feelings.  I don't ask for any special treatment, but I don't like to be treated like I don't matter.

On a lighter note.  I stayed sober all day.  Thank you God.!

It can happen to you

So I had knee surgery.   1 week later I picked up my 4 year medallion.  I had hardly touched the pain meds.  They truly made me sick.  One week later I went for a 1st appt. from the surgery and told the doc I could not control the pain w/ the meds he had given me.  a qtr of a pill here and a 1/2 there, just to hold down on the nausea.  He proceeded to write 2 prescriptions.   1 of which i had relapsed on 4 years earlier.  You think i said no?  Of course not.  It would be different this time.   Yeah right.  I did good until they were gone.  Then I was at a friends house and he had a bottle on his table.  You know what I did.  I ended up taking 3 or 4 (i really do not remember) and then a few more later.   Is that a relapse,  you betcha.  I was the man in the big book who slams his fist on the bar wondering how did he get there.  I truly did not have any defense.  I hung my head in shame.  But you know what?  If one person can learn (besides me) from my experience, then so be it.  I have also learned that the 24 hour window we talk about is really more important.  I say that not because I relapsed cause all I lost (besides my mind for about a week) was my sobriety date.  I have not lost but rather have gained some insight.  What is that worth?  Stop counting your "medallions" and start living in the now.  Right here!  It feels good to be alive  and clean and sober.  But for the grace of God.

Judge Not

The other day I asked a friend of mine who is in the program if she was ok.  For weeks she has been nodding off in meetings.  Eyes rolling to the back of her head.  Just looked like she was high on something.  She said no, I'm ok just tired.  I knew something wasn't right but I turned my head the other way.  This continued.  It got worse.  Everyone was asking, "what's going on with her".  Another member and a sponsee of mine finally said,  we have to confront her.   So we did.  She is taking "doctor prescribed pain meds".   Obviously more than she is supposed too.  What does it say in our literature about confronting anyone's sobriety?  Is it our business?
I was reading a blog about another group in my city.  One of it's members was ranting about "sober behavior" and how he refuses to turn his back on bad behavior.  That we came to this program to become better people.  Lord knows he is.  And how anyone can call themselves "sober" and still have the actions of non sober people is beyond him.  His rant was full of fire, obviously anger too.  What does the book tell us about that?  I'm just saying. 
I can stand in judgement of others.  But I sincerely ask for help when I do.  I would not want that same judgement to be passed down on me, for whatever reason.   Being sober does not render us "white as snow" nor do I pretend to be.  But, I sincerly try to live by the principals of "do no harm".  I want to be a sober woman of God and the path may be wide but the gate isn't. 

Do we make a difference?

by "we" you know by now I mean the people doing the "deal' in the halls of our fellowship.  I say, YES.  Unfortunately there are many others that feel they are failed by our program.  I laugh at that notion.  As it says, follow us on this journey.  We don't ever have to drink again.  I believe that.  After some time if/when we do it is by choice, albeit a sad one. 
I sponsor a woman that is in constant crisis (within the infamous head of hers).  For the past year I have sat with her, I have listened to her, I have encouraged her, I have taken her through the steps, I have shown her how we are to help others.  She still says this is too hard.  she took a drink several weeks ago and got that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once.  I'm sure that seed will begin to grow. 
I know for me I had to grow into a place that really understood step 1.  GROW.  I mean to just say it was one thing.  To fully believe it is another.  The insidious disease we have will stop at nothing.  That is why we have a DAILY reprieve.  Cause when i let up on my spiritual growth the "old" me starts to creep back in, as it tries to hide underneath hurt, anger, you name it. 
Somedays I do shortcut this thing.  I don't read some material.  I may not make a meeting.  But at the end of the day I am assured one of the woman I sponsor (and love) will call and the program springs to action.  I love it. 

How incredible today seems.  It was 4 years ago on June 14th that I picked up what I pray is my last white chip.  Now, this year I picked up one of those bronze medallions with the #  IV on it.  I did not have those drunk dreams that seem to begin right around a birthday.  I did not feel different.  But I certainly felt blessed.  I almost cry when I reflect (without being morbid) on how I have changed in this short time.  But I try not to be flippent about the whole thing.  This has taken work and a whole lot of co-operation on my part.  See, I give my day to God and then by God! I act like I have.  I ACT like I want to be a sober woman.  And IF I react badly to a situation, I promptly admit it and look for ways to make it right.  I back out of the careless conversations about others.  Somehow, I walk in love now.  That is the miracle of it.  See, just not drinking was good, at first.  But it can't sustain me.  Not my alcoholic brain.  the one that can still go back to crappy thinking which can lead to bad living (and decisions).  I surround myself with people that are the same.  And the ones that aren't, I've learned to love them from afar. 
Last night we talked about early sobriety.  I can not remember how bad it was.  Oh! I remember him leaving.  I remember crying for months (ok years) over a broken life.  That sticks like glue to my memory.  But what do I remember of the early struggle to not take a drink (or other things)?  Not much.  I've tried.  Perhaps my brain refuses to think about it.  Sort of a mental block?!  So when it comes time to share I share MY experience which is, "i can not remember".  I hear (and think) too often we share what others want to hear.  Not me.  I know how futile it is to sit there listening when what is being shared does not come from their own experiences. 
So, to sum it up I've stayed sober by Gods Grace and doing the deal.  When I get that "thing" in my gut that says, uh uh uh.  I heed to it.  That is the conscience I've gotten from  this program.  On the occasions when I don't listen, I feel it.  I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm not comfortable.  And honestly, I do not like being that way. 
So, when my eyes open each morning I think to myself (which I believe reaches the God of my understanding) hurrah for another day.  Upon a wider awakening, I say, "God however I may be of service to you and others, please show me.  
A better deal?  You betcha!

Given time it changes....

I could not get beyond the depression I was in.  Been getting worse and worse.  I finally got to the doctor.  Went on an antidepressent.   Much needed.  I feel better already.   It is so hard to describe to someone the darkness and despair depression can cause.  I kept wondering, "what is wrong with my program"  what am I not addressing.  I did not get an answer.  Crying became a daily affair. 
To say that I have addressed every aspect of my physical well being since December is an understatement.  I have caught up on all doctor appts.  I work out religiously 3 x's a week, try to eat right, get plenty of rest.  So when I still was emotionally a wreck I knew something was wrong. 
So, my experience will change with this new avenue.  Even though the big book tells us that sometimes we have to seek outside help, I told myself I was ok.  Time has taken care of quite a bit of my mess, that and the steps.  But after 6 years in the program 5 of which have been sober, something was seriously chinking away at my armour. 
I began to hate to receive calls from sponsees.  I just believed my head when it said i have nothing to offer.  I began to hate the program, the people and myself.  I tried to confide in some folks I trusted but honestly they had no more idea of what to do than I did. 
There in lies a huge problem.  I have always looked to others for my answers.  Of sober living I think I'm relying of God but still go to others with my problems.  People that have not been through the same things can not know what to do.  Not even on their best days. 
That is why we say we share OUR experience, strength and hope.  OUR's.  I will remember that going forward. 
I am blessed not to have drank over the past few months.  Today I'm happy to say I am happy to be sober.  AND alive.  I could not have said that a month ago.........