Not my circus...

When all we have left is family do we still have it all?  Over my adult life my family (siblings) have had our share of hostility.  He said, she said… this one does like and this one agrees, upsetting another one…………………… my poor mother… how did she handle her adult children arguing…. Some of those fights lasted for several years. 

Now our children are grown, with families of their own; and at times they two have butted heads.  And when they do it is not pretty.  What I know about their personalities is one is bull headed the other is passive-aggressive.  Fire and Water!  Bam! 

What I also know about me is I want to keep the peace, fix the issue.  And sometimes that is not my job.  Not my circus, not my monkey’s.  today is a prime example of that.

Without having a family meeting (whatever that would mean cause we never have had one) my son and I changed Thanksgiving dinner to his house.  Along with other in-laws, new baby… etc.  sounds good.  Never, ever dreaming this to be an issue.   Well it is and feelings got hurt and people are angry. 

Hurting people, hurt people… emotionally… today is a great example of that.  So  here is the deal; I am stuck in the middle.  I want all concerned to be ok/happy if you will…. I also want it NOW!  That is not going to happen, not today.  He is mad… she sounds hurts.  I just want to say, figure it out and let me know.  See I only want us together.  I don’t care where.  Is this what my mother went through with 4 kids?  Good grief!

So, this wont be ok until someone steps up to that line and says… ok, this isn’t worth arguing about.  Problematic is neither will do that.  Ugh and ugh!

Not my circus but still feel bad…….. I have 4 grandkids that don’t need to know any of this and certainly should be able to see any any of them when we want.  Not clear enough?  Trying to keep families together may prove to be a difficult task.  One that I’m not sure I even have the capabilitiy to do.

I’m not happy, not happy with either of them.  So, I will sit back and let the two of them figure this out.  If they can’t then our 1^st thanksgiving without their dad will be even more gloomy.

I do not think either can see the big picture.  Heck I have a hard time myself.

GF time!

Girlfriends are the best!

So one of my best friends is going through a really rough time.  Relationship issues, children…… Our choices mirror each other and when I was sinking in despair and sadness she listened and brought the best of remedies to me.  For that I am grateful.. Now, she needs me or perhaps what she gave me I could return… she has the ability to see the picture clear and respond appropriately (for me) and I am not good at that but I’m here for her!

So, the whole girlfriends thing is awesome.  It has become a call of duty (well that sounds awful) that when she says or I say or one of us says, we need girl time; we spring into action.  No further investigation is needed.  We just know.  Hence today.  She needs a girl night.  We are going to give her that.  She is truly in a sad dark place… my heart breaks for her…  So…. Woman to the rescue!

This is an interesting concept considering most woman in our ‘circle’ seem to be of the same mindset - that a ‘man’ will fix and a woman will get in the way.  Why we think or thought that is too funny.  However, today we try to be there for the other(s).  Try.

Life is full of choices.  Life is made up of relationships and how we handle them or don’t.  relationship with ourselves, with you and most importantly with God. 

I have sucked at most of them, ok all of them my entire life.  If I did not get something in return you would not get my time.  So self-absorbed…. Today, I choose to do something different..  Like be a part of not apart from.

I have great friends today.  I am learning to be ok without a relationship with a man.  However, my prayer still remains the same, ‘please God send me an angel… someone I can love and will love me’  today I can honestly say that I am ok… moving in the right direction with small potholes still around but no sink hole!

Hmor Me

Humor me!

Sober living has done and given me so many opportunities; some I never saw coming.

Some I wish (for now) had not happened.  Most of which I have learned from.  But all those lessons were not always easy to swallow.  Some I had to be force-fed…

I have seen the darkest of days, the lightest of nights, the happiest of times and the sadness of the rest.  Truly it IS what comes our way that determines so much but equally important is our reaction to it all.  My reaction…. Has been awful at best…. For a while. 

At the horrible ending of my relationship with ‘s’ I blew up and threw him out of my house.  Ok, that is real sober acting, isn’t it?  Ugh!  I stewed and cried and damaged his character over and over for several weeks.  After all… you needed to know how bad he had treated me and how bad I hurt.  I, I, I.  ugh!  Over the weekend I took a trip to the lake to try to release my fear and sadness over this relationship.  Water, camping, outdoors all make me happy and I needed that.  However, at the end of the weekend I realized my hurt had resurfaced and I was processing in the wrong direction.  Yesterday morning I got up, came to work and without much more than a passing prayer I sent him a text asking if I could email him.  He replied with, ‘if I think it is important’.  So I sent a ‘I am truly sorry for how I treated you that last night.  No matter what had happened I did not have the right to treat anyone that way.  He responded late last night with I forgive you, I hope you will me and I wish you all the happiness I deserve.   If there is such a thing as a better ending, I guess that is it.  I can’t write anything else on that or I will cry.

My heart is mending but I am standing in the way..  I am better…. Thank God I’m not bitter.   I have a way to go but this has drawn me as close to God as I can be.. out of fear, anxiety, sadness and anger.  I’m a work in progress…. What can I say?

So our newest addition to our family will be here in a few weeks.  A precious baby boy for my baby boy.  He will be loved!

Fall is in full swing and the air temps drop and rise like smoke in the mountains.  Sometimes hovering above normal and other times just plain dropping, quickly.  Only two weeks and I’m off to the Smokies!  Yeah!

See, my life (my sober life) is good.  Painful yes, but all my needs are being met.  I have a smile on my face some of the time now.  I can breathe again.  Thank you  God!

Memories (good and new)

I tried to re-write the ending of part of my story for years.  Perhaps, if the ending was different, I would be too.  What I realized later was the ending was being relived therefor-rewritten.  That ending has a better one now.  Because we don’t realize that while we are walking through the pain of a breakup, the loss of a loved one, the end of a job, whatever the case may be…our ending keeps going.  Evolving….

Intentionally changing a memory can take the sting out of some things, I suppose.  I am of the mindset it can’t hurt to try.  I am also in a place that recognizes that a memory can change all on its own if enough time is allowed.  But, who wants to ‘wait out’ a painful ending?  And who, in the best of times, doesn’t relive a precious memory at that?!

In the process of changing some old memories I took a trip with my sister to the lake this past weekend.  Now, 2 woman alone with fire, tent, cooking and cold weather can be a treat to watch (I’m sure).  It was fun, funny and laughter filled the air more than once.  I was not sad going there, this was to create something new to offset something sad.  Will it work?  I guess.  There were a few moments that I just sat and cried at the beauty of the water and the memory of someone I had shared that with.  I’m good and those days at the lake will be good memories for years to come.  We probably looked more like Lucy and Ethel than we realized.  Neither of us took off our gloves, boots, toboggan…. During the whole time.  The daytime temps ran about 50ish, the night air was in the high 30’s.  The wind stayed about 10mph but it never let up long enough for the warmth of the sun to be good to us.

So, the time was well spent; next summer when we begin our camping season again perhaps the sting of hurt will have diminished somewhat and that which is left will be spread thin by the few days we trekked around the campgrounds.

Off or On TRACK?

I get off track at times… ok a lot.  Anyone that knows me, is aware of that and have been for a while.  It’s life. 

So, when I began this blog my intention was taking about living one day at a time without drinking.  How God has/is transforming my life.  And… Breathing through it all.  And I do mean IT ALL.

We are in the middle of fall, one of my favorite time of the year.  I love the bright colors, the smell of anything pumpkin, the cooler temps.. football… breathing during all of that comes real natural.  And as it should be.

What about “all” the “other” times?  Good, bad, bad, good, and the cycle continues.  The need to breathe never ends; it’s knowing not to ‘not’ breathe that is challenging at best... when the world comes down on us.

And it has several times during my sober life.  Two of the biggest hit 10 years apart.  I remained sober this time.  So, what does that concept mean?

Well small kids that aren’t getting their way hold their breath.  Agree?  Temperament and all.  It’s crazy for them to do that but if it works…. Then why not…

But what about being an adult?  What then?  I have skipped through my sober journey many months at a time and life has been ok.  OR my perception had it that way (and I’m sure it was).  However, what I have found is over time, my coping method still seems to be to not breathe.  You know, kinda like forgetting too.  How anyone can do that is a mystery.  Or maybe just a little.  Just enough to keep me from passing out but certainly restrict airflow.  What is the deal?

I’m not a kid.  I’m not kicking and screaming.  I’m demanding but so what.  I’m manipulative but isn’t everyone?  I’m fearful but you would be too if………………

So, I doesn’t matter what drives you, what matters is that you drive.  If fear is running my life… take a look at the causes and effect and look for solutions.  In the 8.5 years of sober living I have managed to let go of most of what ailed me.  most.  What I have found is given the right circumstances they can and have crop back up.  Think of whack a mole.

What I am growing into acceptance of is even if I am afraid, lonely, sad, peaceful, joyful, grateful, demanding, greedy, loveable, grieving, laughing…. I don’t have to drink and I can breathe through most of it.  That which causes me too much grief I can and have rolled up in a ball and cried like a baby till the wee hours of the morning.  (She says ½ jokingly)

Its life.  Mine... I share as needed…. I cry when needed….. I pray when needed…. (Which is all the time)…. I give when needed………. Point is… I am breathing through this thing called life.  

What is an Action?

What is an ‘action’?  How does that pertain to anything going on right now?  Is an in-action still an action?  Is moving slowly but in the right direction still moving?  Of course it is.!

So here is the deal…. When someone is ‘stuck’ do we offer them help?  Unsolicited advice?  A hand up?  A frown?  Or do we watch, sit and wait or worse… turn our backs?  

Are bad endings a result of poor choices?  Does hurt justify the means?  Does putting anyone below where they already are promote change?   Once again, no.

Can we change course in the middle of a storm?  Can the blowing wind be too much for us?  Does sheer determination come in to play?  Bring about a quicker ending; albeit still a painful one?  All of these ponderings are part of who I am, where I am… how I think, react, try, believe, pray for…  But sometimes things still hurt beyond what anyone would think; especially me.

Don’t judge (including me), dismiss or condemn.  Life is hard when life throws us something we can’t throw back; but hardest when all reason and answers don’t make any difference.  

I see clearly through the rear view mirror… but don’t we all.  My ability to foresee the future is marred by self-doubt, fear. anxiety…..

It isn’t funny but interesting that letting go brings relief but not necessarily right then.  I guess, like when someone dies.  The ones left behind may feel some relief at that time if the person has struggled to live, but given time… that changes.  Sadness comes and sometimes doesn’t leave… I think divorce should be in that same category.  Funny, breakups aren’t but given enough hurt… should be.

I heard that character is built in the darkness, in the alone time… when no one is there, watching.  If so then I would be a superhero (character) and not a cartoon one.  Oh, there are minutes, hours and some days where laughter can still come out.  Smiles too.  I am growing but don’t want to.  I am accepting but only half ways.  I am alive but feel dead, I am lonely but not alone.