Heartfelt

I never wanted to be here, never again.

I swore off relationships that eventually only end.

But some time ago you walked into my life

Sad, but healing from the death of your wife.

 

I believe the connection took time to grow

But our time together was intense, as you know.

I would lay there in awe of the tenderness of your touch

Loving how it felt and wanting it so much.

 

Forgetting the obvious that both of us were still on the mend

Enjoying our time for hours on end

At times as I listened to stories you would tell

Of your life before Jackie and how it was so well.

 

Of course, I told myself, how incredibly hard it had to have been

Losing a love that was perfect from beginning to end.

I almost stepped back more times than I let on

Although in my spirit I had hoped I would grow upon..

 

In many ways we seem content, enjoying the hours together,

Lazing by the pool, camping, road trips… in all kinds of weather

But somewhere along the days spent with each other,

I began to feel and want something that seemed only to smother

Without knowing, I was totally blindsided by a request of time less spent

And out the window my joy and serenity went

I spent an agonizing weekend full of fear, anger and hurt

At your choice of words that seemed harsh and curt.

 

I can’t express the pain I felt, the hurt was so great

At first all I could think of was surely I cannot wait.

For your ‘working through’ statement which sounded so final

I could not sit still, I could not be idle.

 

 

 

In the beginning I told you that God was first in my life

And somehow I had managed to pull from him causing some strife

So, as the hours passed on my knees I did fall

The one name I could summons - out to God I did call.

 

So, Steve, please know that I understand where you’re coming from

But I cannot read your mind, which was coming undone.

Communication is key in all relationships it seems

So please, please, let me know when you’re falling off the ‘beam’.

 

I want nothing but peace in your heart and mine

Walking away at that cost would be anything but fine

However, if the fun and enjoyment comes to the end

It would make the most sense to walk away, begin to mend.

I’ll end this on a positive note, all this writing is trying to say

Please know I am here, but won’t get in the way

Of your job, you’re healing or family you hold dear

I just want your company when time keeps you here.

Streaming down her face

 

She lets the tears stream down her face….

Desperately trying to find God’s grace.

Wanting so badly to find understanding,

Knowing it comes out way too demanding.

Her spirit is broken unlike anything before,

No one can see how close she is to the floor.

Deep inside, her fire begins to diminish,

Questioning life/ hurt and knows she is finished.

If anyone is watching they probably can see,

How small she feels - broken like a tree..

Blown over at night during a terrible storm,

Wanting to stand up but unable to perform.

Her head shakes in disbelief as she cries,

How could something so good now be denied.

For weeks she knew things had to change,

How quickly it did - still it all seemed so strange.

Her questions are so hard to answer,

But knowing it can spread like cancer,

To wallow in the “what happened” department

Knowing all this needs to be put in a compartment.

Blocked from sight or stored from view

Carrying the burden of something so new.

She looks up to heaven and cries once more

Please lord show me the way out, where is the door?

She will never again let anyone close

Her head will hang down much longer than most..

See she knows her secret that only a few are aware

Pain like this is more than she can bear.

Giving in or grieving out

As she sinks into a sadness that had been creeping in for sometime

The reality of it all seems more questioning than defined.

The tears stream daily down her face staining her dress

She is consumed with grief; staring at the enormity of the mess.

She steadies herself as the memory of the months gone by

Consume her thoughts…. God please help her not to cry

So much joy filled that small window in her life

That removed the burden left behind when she was no longer his wife

As she reflects and tries desperately to regain her composure

Certain the world is watching as she defines the exposure

Wondering was any of this worth the pain she can still feel

Looking to the heavens she wonders for a minute would she ever heal

Trying to fit all the pieces of this puzzle to make some sense

She opens the book that brings life back to something with no defense

So, she lifts her eyes beyond the land, the trees and clouds

Instead of being quiet she raises her voice - surprised at how loud

God, she says… I need you to show me the way one more time

She knows He hears her and wants so badly for help with the climb

She relaxes her shoulders, letting go to allow Him to clear    

Enough of the sadness, anger and fear knowing He will always be near!

Opening my heart

This day is like yesterday and the day before,

Standing here crying and begging for more.

It’s not that I can’t live without you

It’s wanting beyond right now that leaving me blue

I have searched Gods promises praying for peace

A comforting word or joy to be unleashed

His word says He knows the plans He has for me

But right now it is so hard to see

He will not harm me or so he did write

I’m holding on to that with all of my might

For a hope and a future; can I want anything more?

Yes, I ask the Lord for strength to endure

The sadness and the loss of something so good

Yes I will trust Him, all of us should

So as night turns back in to morning

As the light filters in seemingly without warning

I look to the heavens and remain steadfast with hope

And praise God for His promises and help me to cope

Life isn't always fun and games

What a concept…….. what is best for Jackie.  Not what she wants; what is best.

I do not think I have come to this place ever before, I must admit… it scares me because at this time it means letting go of something, someone that I love.  Someone that I gave all of me to only to watch the relationship dissolve beyond repair.  He still contacts me occasionally and has asked to have dinner with me IF I can do that, meaning will it hurt me.  Well I immediately took it to God… along with hurry, hurry I need to know; when all I was begging for was hope.  I began to cry.  The hope I have is that Jesus will see me through this time.  Only Jesus will never leave, always love me no matter how screwed up I am.  While I talked to Him after he asked to go to dinner what came to my heart was…. What is best for Jackie?   It startled me as I do not recall ever thinking that.  Only what will best suit the needs she demanded at that moment.  I caught my breath.

The world, the universe, The Lord, knows how I feel; He knows how I hurt.  Every prayer request I have sent up I have either been able to stand up and walk on or I have been left in a puddle of tears and it gets confusing at best.  Or does it?   I felt in my heart that I already have the strength… what?  Really?  That comes from the greatest giver of all, God.

Will I tap into that unlimited resource and grow from my choice to remain prayerful, or will I shut down all sensibility and move on my own accord?  Sounds so easy… 

I have acted on self-will my ENTIRE life and it has ended with people hurt all over the place including ME.  Am I willing to run the show or step back?  I stay in constant prayer but do I really listen?  This has taught me the later…. And then some.  I do not want the pain and sadness to be my cloak I wear forever.  I want to heal and not come back.  How do I do that?  Better yet, help me God to allow your grace to cover the painful but truthful decisions.  All along I have asked that S come back.  That he realize how much he misses and wants me.  All along I have not let that go.

What is best for me?  To never walk away from God again.  To remain in his presence with expectancy and joy.  I keep reading so many bible teachings now I am walking in those verses and I’m afraid but holding on to God’s promises. 

I saved his last message and mine.  Can we meet for dinner?  I’m not strong enough.  I still want him too much.  When you are ready?  I’m not there and may never be.  I told him that (to the best of my memory) I would have to give that some thought.  He said ok, he will (a)wait my answer..  My answer is deep within me.  Not now.  Not now.  Not now.  I truly am not at that place.  I turned back to the texts to reread the conversation, hit save and then hit delete for the other messages.  It took his away too.   I panicked… I looked through my phone, frantically searching for it as if I was looking for a lost pet or child.  Oh no, I began to sweat, stomach jumped up and down, heart beat racing.  What the heck am I going to do I can’t remember his number.  Help!  Help!

God doing for me what I can’t do?  I don’t know, but I do know this.. I am so used to pushing my truth down further and futher that I have lost me.  He hasn’t.  He remains the same and I am lost.  I choked on my truth as it made its way to the surface.   It is not in my best interest… not now and probably not soon down the road.

As the angst began to subside I remembered a number that could be his so of course.. I wrote it down.  Little by little I am squeezing myself dry of this emotionally draining part of self.  I know also, that I have his email IF I truly found myself wanting to contact him.  The last think I will write is this:  As I cried over this, as I sat in silence and in the fear of letting go… my true self and my Jesus self-met if only for a moment and as I stood up  and took another breath I wiped the tears away…