Her Disbelief

Her disbelief hurts.  Hurts her and those that share her realm.  They can’t possibly understand the angst that goes on inside.  Trying desperately to remain on the positive side of things.  Her what if’s are stinging and leaving scars of tears.    How fragile she is at times.  Begging God to relieve her of the things that create the angst, fear…. Fear…. Fear… Some day’s she actually can breathe…. Some days.

She feels his pulling away; although she is told not to worry.  He says everything is ok.  Nothing is wrong.  What she hears is I’m leaving you.  I don’t want you.  I’m just not there.  She knows.  She has lived this.

As the morning drags by painfully she watches her phone for any sign of him.  Nothing.  How to not be in the middle of this will take time or practice or both… she wants the relief to come quickly.  How sad that a word will erase this but the silence increases the intensity of it all.

She is right.  Even if she isn’t… He is not there, today.  He wasn’t there yesterday.  But, given some unsettling news that she shared with him days ago… he lept to action.  Where could he help?  What did she need?  So…. Her memory tries to keep that in the forefront.  Seeking the comfort those memories bring.  Then being slapped back with the last couple of days of arm’s length interaction.  Let the crying begin.  She weeps. 

There is but one solution.  A loving God that takes all things and turns them around to work for the good of those that are called according to His purpose.  ALL things.  Her things. 

She wants to ask him for assurance… again.  But something inside says NO.  Your assurance can only come from above.  What you seek here on earth is fleeting and never lasts.  God gives the ability to breathe, move about in a hostile world…She wishes she were at home.  Home where scare, sad can be held at bay by sleep. 

She feels the energy leaving her body.  Drained she knows this has worn her out/down.  Just the insanity of it all nearly breaks her spirit.  Again she cries out, ‘sweet Jesus… please take this’. 

When the unsettling of human emotions overtakes us we tend to roll up in a ball as if to protect ourselves.   Move as far away from the issue/pain as possible and she knows she is close.   Traumatized over and over by what she thinks he can fix but doesn’t… she feels at her breaking point….But feelings can betray all of us.  Deep breathe……………………………….