Signs, Signs Everywhere

Oh the signs of the times.  Good times, bad and the in-between.

I pondered the fate of others recently and concluded we play THE role WE pick once we know we have that choice.  That isn’t terribly contrite, but an honest appraisal of us humans.

So when the good times roll (sing along now) and we flow freely through those days when everything seems as it should and our souls are open for all to see.  The freedom of a fearless life, a life less daunting, looms so close we feel the warmth.  I swell with joy.  Or contentment; which brings on the joy.

The bad lurks around the corner.  Not as ‘the other shoe dropping’; but the unknown begins to settle in and make itself comfortable, the fear and in trepidation take center stage.  What if?  What if? What?  If? What choice is it to be then?  Run?  Give in to the feeling?  Or calculate a surrender that is befitting of the situation.  For me, it can come quickly (the solution) or I can roll around aching for that one thing that will fix whatever that is……. Hoping it will jump on me and heal what woes.

How completely silly is that?  How can the day be turned around from fear and darkness to joy and light?  I have come to rely on honest self-appraisals.  What is really going on?  What is driving the good or bad?  What needs to be addressed and how will I achieve that?  I have had several mentors in my life to which I am so appreciative of.  I called one ‘the wise ole owl’..  lately I am just calling them my voice of reason.  And it’s just that……. Reason. 

I just stopped and re-read this.  How, how does it begin with positive and quickly turn the other way.  Why is it the good doesn’t make the paper as much?  Kinda like the song, Sure could use some good news today.   In perspective, it’s all good; it just doesn’t always ‘feel’ that way. 

Now by good I do not mean that divorce is good, or death is good or loss of job… etc.  No, I’m learning that we can have bad and still know the good is there, we just have to look for it.  I’m not always willing to do that, sometimes it just feels good (yeah right) to stew in it for a while.

So, enjoy the good, embrace the bad as it won’t be that way forever and breathe in between.

Ca-razy

Craziness!

I have fought for too many years to remain somewhat sane.  How sad that seems, but it’s the truth.  Problematic is that I never thought myself ‘in’sane…. Well until I looked up the definition; insanity-not of sound mind, abnormal behavioral patterns………. Yup……….. I’m insane.  How sane is that acceptance?

Now I suppose the recognition is a fast start, right?  Ewee.  Certainly not.  It clouds my judgment, I feel impaired.  Unequipped.   Where has all this come from?  The insanity of my thought process.  What an abnormal one at that.

If I walk in a room of people and they all grown silent at the same time, there talking about me.

If i call someone repeatedly and they don’t answer or don’t return my call, they are angry with me.

If… if…. If……

Here is some crazy; friends decision to leave the program of AA since she is not an alcoholic.  Really?  She obviously has forgotten about the last 2 bouts she used to find that out.  Not pretty, but to her this decision makes perfect sense.  And I can see why.   See we begin to act crazy and the insanity returns AND we drink again.  If falls before the first drink.  Insanity.

So, other areas that can bring up my insanity…. Relationships.  Personal, Business, family.    But, upon further examination what it looks like is this:

I don’t like how someone is acting or treating me…. I try harder to define the problem and move in to the fix of it all.

I still want to fix situations to ‘help’ others but at times, in a carefully reviewed motives…. I can find if they are happy, then I can be.  INSANITY.

I could write more examples but they truly are not necessary.  I can become crazy at anything. 

So is today a good day to say, ‘well at least I didn’t drink’?  Hopefully not, but it may.  See if drinking were my only problem, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

 

All gibberish at this point…….. but somehow I hope it makes sense….