Divorce and Death

I went and sat with a friend last night who lost her husband the day before.  So sad.  They had found each other in their 40’s and so in love.  They just belonged together and you could tell everytime you saw them together.  But that was several years ago, before his alzeimers began to steal his memory, his life.  He fought a hard battle and, to some, I suppose they might say he lost.  But did he?  His faith was so strong and perhaps depending on belief, he is in a better place.  So as we sat with her she looked so warn, so defeated.  She had lost so much weight and the strain was evident on her face.  She showed me the cot she slept in for the past year, right beside his hospital bed.  She never left his side.  I looked around their house and saw a home that had little attention as of late, another statement to how all of this played on her life.  She showed us a collage of photos he had put together sometime ago, so many pictures of the two of them, of other family members… such joy… such laughter… so long ago.  My heart broke for her… and my heart still saddened by her loss. 

Offering myself for whatever I could do, was all I could do.  She was just so scattered (and rightfully so) I could see she needed rest more than anything.  There were not enough hugs for her to shield her from the pain.  I cried with her and I can feel the lump growing in my throat just thinking about them.

Between the two of them they had over 60 years of sobriety.  Wow!  How incredible is that?  He lived and breathed sober living, giving back.  An incredible legacy and one I am proud to have witnessed, if only for a short time. 

We should all have that love; the one that goes so deep you can’t imagine life without them.  How will she get along, alone. 

I called the love of my life this morning.  We haven’t spoken for a few weeks for good reasons.  I wished him a happy birthday to which he thanked me.  We have celebrated 23 of those together or mostly together.  That made me sad.  Endings suck no matter how they come.

Death or divorce, they are both final and neither party comes out the other side happier. 

On a lighter note; my precious grandkids came over for the weekend.  Sometimes I just feel wiped out by their visit.  Just loud, crazy, silly stuff that I’m not used to.  But not this time.  We had a blast at the lake, I thoroughly enjoyed cooking for them.  Listening to the laughter seemed so right.  So peaceful. 

Sometimes, if I stop long enough, if I’m quiet long enough, I can feel the moment gently pass by and know that none of this is going to waste.  Thank God for that!

 

Jj

Skip to MaLoo

I have to laugh at thinking that is a great title, but this morning it seems appropriate.  Ever wanted to just 'skip' through the tough times?  Skipping school, work, church..... ?  So I was up and going at an early hour, as usual.  Church at 8:45 then probably to the pool.  Day temps will be nearly 90.

So, I cook breakfast, watch a little tv and begin to think of camping.  The state park close and better yet on the water.  Suddenly it hits me.  GO!  Just GO!  Throw on shorts and head out.  Not to camp today but to scope out future good sites and just be in the outside world for the day.

Skip to maloo.  It only took minutes to change my mind on what I know I need to do this morning.  NEED.  Very important decision.   The lake CAN wait.  But skip to MaLoo certainly wanted to derail me. 

So, that began further thinking into that very thing.  Always wanted to do what makes me "feel" better.  Most of those decisions were not always the best for the folks around me.  For years work was my biggest target.  Oh, I feel sick today (skip....)  It goes on and on.

Now, I will get up and go to church and afterwards think of going to the lake.  After all it is Sunday and I am not skipping the entire day.

What drives you?

In a response to an email this morning it came home to me that emotion drives this blog.  So, I thought about that and decided to make that my topic today.

Driven by sadness originally brought me to this anyway.  I began writing poems about 5 years ago that, when re-read, found them to be so profound that in some small way I knew there was healing in words.  Again an unseen reward, as hurtful as that could be. 

Life hurts at times and my days have been and hopefully will be less than, hurt by some major decisions made by me.  

Whoa!  Gotta stop with the way this is going right now.  Not that I want to stop any flow of energy that brings to light/surface what keeps me in bondage.... I do not want this morning to be 'driven' the wrong way.

So, let me say this....  I can be aware of how my thinking can put my direction in either way.  Good or bad.  So, taking another sip of coffee, watching the clock, I choose to make this positive.

So, nothing says we have to stay miserable, except our own thoughts.  I mean life is still life and without death or loss, what really is there to bogg us down?  Truly.  Re-direction of my thinking at this very moment truly will 'drive' my actions for the morning.

No morning physical workout..... emotionally this is it.  A few words, a few moments and very hot coffee and I am ready......   For a good day!

Eyes Wide Shut

Eyes Wide Shut

That may have been a movie title.  Seems so.  But, this is what came to me today.  Sometimes I just don’t want to see what is going on around me.  Sometimes it is just too painful, hurtful.   I wonder how many other people feel that way too.  See, life truly has major ups and downs.  The key is to hold on through the downs and sing out loud on the upside.  I have a friend that told me some time ago to throw my hands up in the air as if on a roller coaster and yell, weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mm hmmm.  You know I’m not able to do that most of the time.  But isn’t all of this about awareness and knowing this too shall pass?!  The other day my son reminded me of this, keep your eye off the small rearview mirror and focus on the wide windshield.  I tear up thinking about that.  God how awesome it is to release the grip on the world.  Whew!  For a moment that feels great.

I am learning to embrace who I was born to be and allow God to mold me back to that.  So, the first thing is to acknowledge that it is “ok” to be who I am.   I have come to terms with the part of me that seems to be so emotional.  Cry at the drop of the hat.   But, that doesn’t mean I can change that about me.  So, those things that we can’t change, embrace.

Ok, back to the subject.  Sorry for the detour.   This week has been full of ‘feeling’ stuff, which I do not always relish.   Mainly the ‘bad’ stuff.  So, eyes wide shut means, for me, today… that even shut I still need to be cognizant of what is going on, even when I don’t like it.

 

Friday.  Hurrah!  Now that is something I like.

Freedom

With this being around the 4th of July I got to thinking.  Freedom.  What exactly does that mean to us?  I saw a dear friend's post on fb yesterday that got me thinking.  She belongs to a 'free thinkers' society.  What?  What is that?  Spent time at a 'freedom FROM religion' gathering.  Interesting.  So, what does that mean?  What about freedom OF religion, which is what began for us back in 1776.  Now this is not a religion debate.  I do not care IF you believe OR what you believe in.  Not really.  What I wondered about is how strongly we are convicted in what we believe.  Are we quietly sitting on our convictions or loudly trying to change your's?  Please note this is not open (on my forum) for debate (said louder).  Rather to get us thinking of our own.  Since this is about me (jokingly stated) I began to wonder how tall I would stand if asked or challenged.  I have grown so much in the area of higher powered.  After a gathering of family over the past days, I wondered how this would all end.  Not in a verbose sort of way, but how I spend my days going forward will speak volumes as to how I believe.  I reflect on a life spent less spiritually and how groping for the next 'fix' was all I knew.  Fixed being a loose term.  All of those fixes left me lonely and alone. 

Before this turns south, let me try say that I have a wonderful life today but I truly have to continue to be aware (good morning JAW) of what that means.  We all get tied up in knots over something.  This morning as I sit outside in the beautiful 68 degree temps, before grandkids coming bounding downstairs, before folks begin demands of each other, I sip a hot cup of coffee, enjoy my morning meditation and ponder how really awesome all of this truly is.   Ahhhh.  Breathing Lessons.

So, how I spend my day is so much more than 'getting'; how will I give/live today is the deal. 

Good morning freedom..............