I am beginning to think I'm insane. Up one day down the next. I finally took a step towards some help. Well, other than our program. It was a hard and long hour to sit and talk about me. Yes, I know, hard to believe and alcoholic that does not want to be the center of attention. Not this kind. I cried and talked and listened and cried....... I may never get over losing R. I may never find the comfort that I did not have growing up. Security. I may never. Well as long as I'm looking outside of me. I have a long journey ahead of me. I pray that I have the strength to forge ahead.
I made an ass of myself last night with him. I am so manipulative and during our conversation I wanted to slam blame and hurt all over him. he remained quiet. I blabbed on and on about how awful I felt I had been. How my parents sucked at being parents and I was finally getting some help to deal with all that. He just listened. . I wanted to scream, just tell me your sorry. but I didn't. I hung up in tears and he is used to that.
I want today to be better. To be full. I am walking forward in spite of how my dis-ease is telling me not too.
Amen to the power that keeps me sober. Here's to hoping he can mend what is broken inside.
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