HE picked me up........

In my "other life" I hated to hear the birds chirping so happily in the morning.  It was sign that my darkness was coming undone and people would expect me to be where I was supposed to be.  Not holed up in a lonely apartment wishing for a different life but not having the ability to change the one I had.

All that has changed.  The God that I so thought hated me for all that I had done has picked me up and set my course right.  And the birds rejoice with me.  I am in awe! 

What can I say of this new life?  I have a program that has taught, and continues to teach me how to live.  Live with you and with me.  I am filled with so much gratitude this morning.  Its a warm spring day.  Ahhh. Breathing in the air that He gives.

If I sound silly, so what.  I shall not apologize for a good morning.  A morning that  will be followed by more mornings.  Ones that no longer have to be filled with fear and self loathing.  To stand up straight and know that I am enough. 

This is such a process.  At times I can still slide back into fear.  Fear of what you will think of me.  Fear of him not wanting to see me. Fear of children living the same life I ran from.  Fear, Fear, Fear.  But God!  But God.  But God pulled me out of that awful abyss.  I see more clearly now that my cries for help were heard.  And I'm told he knew what I was going to say even before I did.  How powerful is that?

Now, how do I share that kind of love?  How do I show the people in my life how big of a difference this has made to me.  Can they, do they see it already?  Is the skeptical side of them telling them, yeah but?!

That was me for so long.  First not knowing the problem, then not being able to do anything about that.  Finally finding a God so powerfully loving through the fellowship of AA.  Wow.

And my journey continues as my smile broadens.

Lest I forget

Had a small meltdown last night.  I still find it difficult to label my feelings.  Is that necessary?  Some say no.
However, it has been a hard beginning to this year.  Several family members have been hospitalized for periods of time.  One is now in a rehab for a shoulder surgery.  Then there is "him" who was sober for a few days and then is now MIA.  I did see him walking the other day and I had to turn away.  There is no assistance for someone still fighting.  And he seems to have a lot of fight left in him.  Breaking my heart is a mild term.  So, I still can stuff my feelings.  I don't even know I'm doing that.  Hence the breakdown last night.  I could feel the saddness coming on for days.  I just kept thinking it would go away.  It didn't.  It consumed me.  So on the phone w/ my sponsor and I'm telling her what I am feeling.  Not what is going on with the family.  She tends to want to send me to Alanon and I just don't want to do that.  I finally asked her to keep it within the AA solution.  She listened and said you are still not addressing this.  My mind was racing.  Addressing what?  the sadness of a loved one that may die?  I hate it when we are told to let go and let God.  After all he has the plan, not I.  I admitted I know God is taking care of me.  But what about "him".  So maybe I do need Alanon. 
Stuffing feelings still comes easily to me.  But this is different.  I truly thought what I was doing was saying, "I can not change these things" and then trying not to be bothered by them.  Ha!  What a lark.  Of course I'm sad.  It's my child.  It's my siblings.  Knowing I can't change the outcome doesn't take away the hurt, the fear. 
So, I've got some work to do.  Perhaps asking God to help me turn over all of this "hurt and anger" to HIM who has THE plan. 
I don't have the answer.  But, I don't want to 'stuff' until a drink sounds like a solution.  I don't want to permiate the air with my disalusionment of the whole recovery bit.  So, I sit quietly and wait.  Wait for what?  For God to show up?  yup , you betcha!

People amaze me.

I am amazed.  Amazed at people in this program with more sobriety than I doing incredibly harmful things.  AND staying sober!   Me, well I am too afraid to test that area.  I mean someone actually posted in a facebook private group set up for our large AA family about people sleeping around in the group.  And some other rather interesting comments.  My sponsee called upset.  How could anyone do that?  My response was this; we are human beings trying to be spiritual.  We are not saints.  And best of all- that is their deal.  While I disagree w/ the distasteful post, i won't add to it by commenting one way or the other.
We all grow at varying degrees.  I had to be taught in sobriety how to act.  And I'm still a work in progress.  I didn't take a drink yesterday and I've asked God to help me today to stay sober physically and emotionally.  I can't imagine living in the darkness again.  :)