Life AND Death

I can choose to live a free woman.  Free from alcohol.  And I do.  Because I have found a solution to what ails me.  A solution to that deep grinding angst that seemed to be present from early childhood.  That is why I now understand when people say they are grateful recovering people.  Grateful to now have a way to live that allows others to co-exist with us with less behavior modification on their part. 

And sometimes WE need to ask for help

Serious mess.   Me.  Yes, me.   I was spinning out of control and have been since December.  I had made a decision to let him go and move on.  He wanted that anyway so I stepped up and did it.  I hated it, but I did.
And I was so sad.  This too shall pass.  Oh really?  When?  For me I kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting.  I got worse.  I kept asking sponsorship for help.  I was told to hold on.  That being sober long term will help.  Really?  How long term?   I need help now.   I finally broke.  I was a mess and worse yet I could not find a solution (for me) in the steps.  I was devistated.  
And so I did what I have always done.  I called him.  And he rejected me again.   Now what?   Suicide ran through my mind.  Really?  Is it that bad?  I can't pray through this?  Ok, what step?  What character defect?  What?  What?  What?
And then it happened.  Maybe drinking will help.  I know it won't but feeling bad is killing me.  Literally.
Being told just to stop isn't working either.  My solution shall be my own.  Not what worked for someone else.  I grabbed the big book.   the 12x12.  I was really scared.
Then I saw a woman friend in the program.  Help was all I could cry.   She met w/ me last night for 2 hours.  we cried.  We laughed.  But most of all she shared some of her story and I gave her my details.  And the connection gave me great hope.  I began to laugh.  I felt hope.  I felt connected.  I knew that I was going to be ok.  She gave me tidbits that I could use. 
My relationship with me.  It just isn't there.  But now I will work on that.  Being ok w/ me.  Being ok to BE me.  And in the interim, don't drink and do not call him again.  I deleted his # from my phone.  HUGE!  It's been there since our divorce.   I am slowly ready to stop. 
It continues to amaze me how off the beam I can become.  How scared and lost I get.  now I know why people drink again.  When the relief I seek doesn't come or doesn't come quick enough I will take matters into my own hands.  And we all know how scary that is or can be.
I will say this.  I slept like a baby.  I woke up and asked God to help me and I knew that he would.  I knew that he was.  I knew that I knew that I knew. 
I feel a connection.... again.
Thank you God and the fellowship of this program.

Sometimes you just have to let them go.....

So I have a sponsee that just can't or won't get onboard with the program.  Calls when life is too tough and cries because God isn't listening.  Oh really?  Keep trying is what I told her. 
So last night I get a call just before midnight.  She just can't go on.  It's too hard.  I don't understand.   This isn't working.   Here we go again. 
I said a quick silent prayer not to lose my patience with her.  And then I just told her,  "I am not the source!  God is"  I've given her all the information I have, maybe it's time to do something else.  I can not keep spoon feeding her. 
She hung up crying.  I'm sure she feels abandoned.  But no matter how many times we talk (over a year now) she just keeps doing the same thing over and over.  I'm at a loss as to how to help and really,  it's out of my hands.  At least that is what I have to tell myself. 

We can go on to the bitter end blocking out...............................