Life after sobering up

As full as my life has become there are still areas that desire some fullfillment.  Love life.  When does that show up?  I know I'm not exactly the epitome of desirable.  Well no wait, yes I am.  And I have dated some.  But fear keeps me from really being able to open up.  Rejection looms and it's probably more in my head than anywhere.  Would it be easier just to be alone than to let my head run rampant after a date?
Perplexed I leave this in God's hands.  Mine are to busy still trying to run the show.  And we all know how that ends up. 

Tools

I was told that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous  would give me the necessary 'tools' to live one day at a time without a drink.  And it has.  But it has given me much more.  I continue to pull out of that tool kit what I can use daily to stay emotionally sober as well.  See it really is not about the drinking today.  But the thinking, well that is another story. 
So, when something comes up (and it does) I fall back on what I've learned in this program.  Fear (?) why.  Anger (?) at whom? 
The other night I was so upset at something that happened.  When the dust settled and I reviewed why I was so affected it was interesting at best.  The feeling of "I dont' matter" was at the forefront.  Also, with that was the feeling of shame.  Totally associated w/ the past cause what happened did not cause those feelings.  They caused them to come back out. 
After reviewing the whole incident, I was able to remain ok, and recognized God's grace in doing so. 
Totally a gift of the program. 

Freedom from Fear

You have told me for as long as I've been coming to the rooms of AA that freedom from fear includes walking through it.  Not running from it as I have always done.  I almost laugh now at the years I spent dodging all that I feared.  The fear of the fear. 
So being divorced for 6 years (almost) I have literally not moved on.  I mean I've dated a few times but learning to let go was something I was not ready to do.  Do you know how lonely it is to lay beside someone that no longer cares about you?  To try to deny the thoughts in my head that were speaking the truth but wouldn't come out my mouth.  The program tells us that we must be free from selfish, self seeking motives.  (If I tell him he will say goodbye for ever, then what will I do?) so I say  nothing.  Well I'm tired of that.  Yes, tired.  So, just like the drink I want to move on.  Leave this to a God that understands my fears and self doubts.  He will take care of me and him and I will let him. 
So I am finally willing to walk forward.  Head held high.  Hopes of a tomorrow (again).  I feel free but sad. 
Lonely but hopeful.  Hopeful that by letting go I will have a future, one day and it will be a God given relationship that will be good. 
Not one that will bring sadness and grief.  

This is all because the program has given me insight into who I am, why I respond like I do.  What is hard is being honest with ME.  That is where I am today.   Freedom.    By the Grace of God.

Letting Go (again and again and again)

Moving Beyone (to RJ)

I sit here this morning with a sad heart

Ready to leave you behind, begin..  a fresh new start.

But I quiver at best when the thought draws near

What will happen to you, will you be ok?  I’m full of fear.

I remember well those sad eyes as you told me goodbye

Leaving me was hard I could tell; all I could do was cry.

But time has healed many wounds so it seems

And I began to conjure up a future…. I was full of dreams.

I’d see you on weekends,  as the hurt began to fade away

I’d lay there at night and wanted badly to say

Do you still feel anything towards me my dear man?

Is there any love left inside if not, I understand.

But silently we continued, afraid to ask the question.

Leaving words unspoken – afraid of rejection.

So I sit here this day a mere six years down the road

Knowing the prayers I’ve spoken are about to unload

A totally new life for me and for you I believe

Better than anything I could possibly conceive.

However, those unspoken words have left a void that longs to be filled

Not a day goes by that I don’t  remember the life we tried to build.

But your choice was made so long ago

And I am scared, at best, but I want you to know.

That deep inside of my heart lies a spot that no one can touch

Not now, not ever…. You mean that much

So now I sit here asking God to show me the way

To let you go… Give me the words to say.

But then I think.. why am I struggling to find

A way to tell you I’m ready to leave this behind.

You see I’m certain the love that still lives

Deep inside me will never be mine to give.

You are incredible and I’ll always wish things had never ended,

But it did and now my heart and life seems somewhat mended.

Taking a break

I finally reached a breaking point.  The program of Alcohilics Anonymous says we are to give freely what was given to us.  However, having 3 people in the same place at the same time ended up being too much.  I felt too stretched.  So I started peeling the layers.  A necessary thing for me to do, for my sobriety.  And I hated it.  But, hating when the phone would ring because I had nothing left to offer, was draining me.

So as I stay sober I learn so much more about me.  As I help others I continue to grow in effectivness and understanding.  But for now it will be with less folks. 

I am so grateful that today I can see my limitations and I am willing to say no.  Without fear of recrimination from others that probably don't sponsor themselves.  AND this isn't the end.  It's a break and I'll continue when and if I am so prompted. 

Later.

Learning to Live One Day at a Time

Whew.  That takes practice.  I was always running hither and yon, never sitting still long enough to look at my life.  It was too painful.
You taught me how.  You gave me tools to live.  Steps by which I could finally stop running.  And I have (sort of).  Step 10 has given me a daily report which should be used to help define me.  polish me, if you will.
IF I ALLOW this to work in my life.  IF.
And most days I gladly give my life over to the care of the omnipotent one.  But then there is that one thing that I still hold on too.
That relationship.  Him.  My foot is still in the past.  Well sort of.  Seeing him ties me to just that.  See I am casually involved in a relationship w/ someone who kicked me to the curb years ago. 
Today I may have to come to terms with why.  There is the loop.  Right back to that inventory that hopefully will set me free (and him too). 
If I allow myself to feel the pain, experience the loss and move on.

Hmmm.

To my friend

Sometimes saying what I want or need to comes easier in a poem:

I’ve watched you suffer albeit from afar

I tried to help but nothing seems to change you, so far.

We have sat in meetings day after day

And most of the time you have little to say.

Your contempt for the necessary power to remain

Sober today and somewhat sane-

Eludes you at best, your resistance is great,

We have shared our stories yet you continue the debate.

When your life is such a mess and self reliance has failed you

Yet you stand before me screaming “tell me what to do”!

As if you haven’t heard this enough from me

Get busy in the steps, trust God…… let the rest be.

I believe in God’s grace but there is work for you to do

To get ‘those promises’ that are there for you

That has enriched our lives so much more than we ever dreamed.

Reduced the sadness, given us peace, helps us to live effortlessly or so it seems.

You, my bright young friend, can have all of this and more

And it begins with willingness to give up the war.

We all have those demons that haunt us at times

But we never stop trying and keep on the climb

as each step we take gives us something we can use

A power to live by, we have nothing to lose.