I have no words of wisdom.
What I have is experience. That
should always be our best wisdom, in my opinion. I heard someone say the other day that our
life experiences when shared can reach another like nothing else can. I am surrounded by two groups of people
outside my family that I have chosen to keep separate from the other. One gave me a chance at a sober life. Forever grateful to that group. More importantly was coming into a
relationship with God. And then into a
body of people that scared the heck out of me in the beginning. Church.
So, am I ready to marry the two together? The answer is no. See in that first group, we are truly like
dying men; we grab each other to find a common solution to live and move beyond
alcoholism and drug addiction. The
latter is a continuation of my desire to find and fulfill my soul with
something beyond that. Hence, I keep
showing up weekly and absorbing more, establishing more relationships and
somehow trying to make sense of the life I lived and the life I am living. None of this is wasted. When I see the brokenness in someone and I
can relate, I do. Where I can help, I try. If I hold back it is out of egoism and there
is certainly room for change there. Ego
is where I disconnect from God, thinking (or fearing) I know better. What a huge mistake. But, learning is part of the journey.
There is no ‘arrival’ in this journey. Well unless you factor in a place beyond
here, then ok. But in the interim there
needs to be peace. And I have days of
that. Not because of me, in spite
of. Relinquishing my grip on what I am
certain I cannot live without; allows the journey to be God centered, not
self-centered. And may I say again, I am
just crawling at this point.
Ok, off track a tad.
The second set of folks I am talking about are a little scarier. I have fought an internal battle over and
over just to keep showing up. Studying
with these women each week was hard. One
night several months ago I just said, ok this is it. I sit alone, feel alone…. I am alone. Was this by choice? Maybe some of it. Finding my ‘place’ within was and is
difficult. How will they view me IF they
knew? Would they include me, if they
found out? Maybe they already know or suspect
and they are keeping their distance. Do
not divulge any secrets here; they will only be used against you. As
time moves on, things began to change.
The relationships are growing and may move into that friendship
stage. Remember this could be dangerous
waters. After all I still carry shame
inside of me. But, as my life sections
grow closer together, I begin to see how we are really all full of the same
doubts, fears etc.
Ok, I am ending this for now. Just too long and really it is beginning to
sound too negative. It shouldn’t. As I grow, some of the darkness disappears and
light is beginning to filter in.
