Blow you old wind, blow away

If I have a problem it's huge.  If you do it's a minor inconvenience.  Right?  Well that is how I seemed to flow for a long time.  Look at me!  Look at my problems.  See how bad I feel.  Wanting to suck you into my misery.  How terribly sad to be that way.  Or worse yet, to be and not to know.

I am in awe of the force of nature.  I speak of the worst storm to hit the east coast in my lifetime and probably most.  This is what is left of the boardwalk in Atlantic City NJ.  10/30/2012.
I just shudder looking at the photo's.  the scenes of lives strewn all over the place.  Of worried people, sad people.  Will it ever be the same?  I say all of this to drop my "self" out of this post.  To focus on all the lives not to far north east of here.  I have relatives from Roanoke Va all the way up to Maine.  I lived in NJ as a child.  I have been to this boardwalk.  Life changes and evolves.  This isn't either.  It's clipped from the atmosphere never to be the same again. 

And I cry over .............. most things but why when I see this I am reminded how really small my problems are.  And they need to be left at that level.   Not blowing it out of proportion.  THIS is bad.   I, well I'm just a woman trying to live like I should.

Jj

sinking.

This may be written with some depression involved.  I am sinking.  School is just too much.   The math just isn't my forte and it shows.  I have to finish so I don't lose my funding but it is beginning to look bleak.
Work is depleting my competence.  Draining my spirit.  By Friday's I am spent.  Emotionally I take a beating at this place.  Such a male dominated environment.  I am glad I can say this without fear of retribution but I absolutely hate it here and I am trying desperatly to get the hell out.
Every avenue of my life right now, at this moment is untying.  Maybe it is supposed to.  Maybe I'm trying to push my way through this stuff.  All I know is something will give and I pray it isn't my sobriety.
BTW I did go to a new group (to me) the other night.  It was awesome to hear something different.  I did walk away with a renewed spirit.  That lasted about 12 hours. 
I can not keep beating myself up.  Every ounce of my being is consumed with fear.  And I know what that means.  I am truly trying to control the outcomes of my decisions.

I tried to focus my morning on positive affirmations, reading some literature and really going deep inside to find that necessary power to remain somewhat sane.

One of my precious sponsee's decided she is not in need of recovery.  She turned 21 during her 9 months in this program and has just decided she is not an alcoholic.  Albeit through massive tears.  Hmmm wonder why?

I will turn my emotional mess over to God to allow Him to set my path right.  What is the fear?  Failure. 
What is my part?  Staying in the problem.   Now pass it on to HIM!

See I feel better already.  Lets hope it sticks.

Mind, Body and Spirit

We only get one body.  Take care of what your given.  You’ll be old one day.  These were all things told to me while I aged.  I had a wonderful boss several years ago that was probably 25 years older than i.  He would get a ‘hitch’ in his git-a-long and he would tell me, ‘you wait.  This will be you one day’.  I can remember saying over and over,  no it won’t.  I feel too good for that to happen.  Well guess what?  Yup it has begun.  Actually began while I was still in the dark.  Medicated beyond what was necessary.  Medicated with those substances that weren’t supposed to be put in our bodies.  Like Rip Van Winkle, when I woke up I saw a whole new world.  What a shock.  And I began to see and feel of a body that I barely recognized, a face as well. 

Different things began to go wrong.  I have written about my knee and today that is a mess again.  I was going to run a 5-k in the morning.  Uh yup.  Wed. night the same knee that was operated on about 18 months ago went haywire.  After a trip to the ortho/surgeon yesterday they confirmed what I already suspected.  Arthritis, and no cushion in my knee.  Makes for an interesting life..

Ok, enough of the complaining.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I should celebrate daily that I am alive.  Remember, I did the best job I could at ending that.  What a mess.

So, my body can heal.  My mind still functions (mostly) and my soul has been restored. 

Breathe in and experience it all.

Six degrees of separation

What get’s passed down from generation to generation?  Good?  Bad?  Lets ponder this awhile.  I could argue that all the bad seeps through the seems.  I could say the good is there but not as prevelant.  And then I could be all wrong.  In my own family I can only see the negative side.  Alcoholism is a disease.  And my family heritage is rich with it.  A few got sober and stayed sober, a few eeked by with a drink now and again and the the rest….  Oh boy.

My dad, brothers and my son all have the exact body type.  Tall, lean (well at least they used to be), wide shoulders.  My dad was the epitomy of good looking.  And all the woman flocked to him.  My aunt told me the other day that my dad couldn’t help himself…… he had to marry all those woman. 

What about character?  Does our family shape it?  Does our past define it?  Or does our present (whatever that is) make it all fit? 

Emotions?  Why are some born with the ability to keep it in ‘check’ and some not.  (as in me).

Some are tall, some can sing.  Smart?  Good looking? (and I didn’t mean to sound like Dr Seuss.  (I don’t like green eggs and ham).

The answer is “I don’t know”  Do you?  I have thought about criminals and how they got to that point.  Upbringing?  Plight in life?  Drugs/Alcohol?  I don’t believe anyone, as a child says, “hey when I grow up I’m gonna……………” and include being a thug. 

And what about perceptions and how everyone has their own (although mine is skewed at best).  I have a natural curiosity that had to have come from somewhere.  My friends have dubbed me the ‘interviewer’ as I am prone to ask too many questions.  But I have a genuine interest in people.  Unless they are mean……..  Then I run the other way.

Oh and what about health?  Family history is really important in that one. 

So here is where I’m going with this.  What if we can change how our future generations act.  Not sure about looks though.  My dad died in 1992.  My son was 11 at the time.  I was shocked one day when I glanced at him and he was (my son) holding a cigarette just like dad.  He laughs like him.  He loves the woman… like him.  He drank like him.  He got sober, like he tried too.  Generational or not? 

Then there is my daughter who in high school her coach told her she looked just like me.  I was really proud of that.  Not sure if she was or not.  As the years rocked on I found less and less of myself in her and more and more she began to look and act like “that other side of the family” Which isn’t a bad thing, but it reminds me that choosing a mate and the father/mother of your children goes beyond the darkness of the night. 

Personalities.  Hmmm.  I do not have any traits of either of my parents, that I can see.  Although I didn’t really get to know either one very well.  They were both gone too early.  Too young. 

My (ex) son-in-law did not look like his dad or mom.  That troubled his dad for many, many years.  “is he mine” plagued his thoughts at times.  Well years later we were sifting through old family photos and wham!  We find a picture of an uncle.  Seems it was his mother’s brother or uncle.  I can’t remember.  But there was the ‘proof’.  There was that ‘gene’ that tied him (S-I-L) to the pack.  Seems it skipped a generation and showed up in the form of an uncle. 

So, do you look like?  Act like?  Walk like, …………… someone close or do you wonder?

So whether your lineage looks like this

Or this..........................  We're all connected...... Wouldn't you agree?

Whew!  I’m sweating at such a long post.  Forgive me……………….