Meet the purrfect roommates

8 years ago next month my whole world came crashing down.  Not to re-hash it but I was asked to leave my family.  I moved as quickly as he wanted me to.  I left behind my precious cat, Sassy that we had owned for as long as our marriage.  The next summer he found her laying in her favorite place in the sun on our kitchen floor..... she had passed away.  When "he" told me I couldn't breath.  I was beside myself.  I had not only ruined my life with "him" but I left her alone.  My reason for not taking her seemed so valid.  She was 13 years old.  She was growing old and I felt her home was where she needed to be. 
I tear up just remembering that.  He buried her before he told me about it.  He buried her in the soil that was bare from where the pool I had loved for those years had been.  He had given it to his friends who had children.  I hated him for all of those things.
I began healing VERY slowly.  Anger would ebb and flow.  He hated me for such a long time too.  But, let me get back to my precious babies.
A year after he asked me to leave I was so lonely.  Yes, I had my grandchildren, which was such a blessing, I had my kids, my siblings.  But no one was there when I opened the door at night. 
So, I began to search for a fur ball to comfort me, keep me company, something to love.  Again.
I started looking and had my heart set on another "sassy"  a small long haired grey tabby. As fiesty as could be all her life.  Eventually I came across a lady that rescues cats/kittens.   I went up there one evening looking for "sassy II".  When I walked into her living room there were about 5 or 6 kittens running around.  All different colors.  But there she was, another sassy.  A small, meowing tiger kitten.  I was drawn to her immediately.  She, on the other hand was not remotely interested or so it seemed.  But wait, what is this?  An ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten wouldn't leave me alone.  I would push him away and back he would run.  I was not interested in him at all.  Now, where is the little grey baby?  Hum.  Not even interested at all.  I sat on the floor petting the ones that would come scurrying towards me, all but her.  Oh and who was leading the pack, the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten.  See, I had never owned an orange cat.  I couldn't get passed that color.  But this little guy with all his mite had captured my heart.  So, I told the lady, I take him and where is that tiger kitten?  I'll take her too.  And so my new adventure with them began.  Once home and settled the grey baby that I eventually named Tiger Lily since my grandchildren had insisted she have a last name.  (they were 3 and 5 at the  time).  And the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten was christened, Sebastian.  He was a mess.  He was sickly.  Nasty sickly.  And here I was not even attached to him (yet) and having to spend $ that I didn't have to get him well.  By about the 3rd or 4th week I began to bond with both.  Sebastian was still the one that insisted on climbing all over me at bedtime.  Tiger Lily was a little detached but did crawl up at night with us.  Well if I skipped all the growing they did and all the love they have given me it's simply because it would take page after page.  So, I will include a picture and you will see how absolutely gorgeous both of them have turned out to be.  We are not supposed to have favorites, and I don't but the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced  kitten has grown up to be a beautiful main coon that weighs 20 lbs.  He is the king of our forest.  Tiger Lily grew to a pleasant size of 8 lbs but is a fiery female.  Sebastian is so laid back.  I had him declawed as a kitten and wanted to have her done but I didn't have the funds.  So now he has mittens instead of claws which he sorely misses.  But, when she catches him off guard and bites his swishing huge long haired tail, he screams and jumps at her and swats her with the strongest paws around.  He may not be a fighter, but he will only put up with so much from her.  Now, she is my baby too.  She follows me from room to room no matter how long I will be in it.  She loves to come into the bathroom in the moring when i am getting ready for work and sit on the toilet and watch.  Occasionally letting out a small meow to let me know how much she approves of my look for the day.(wink, wink) .  Sebastian slinks around like a huge buffalo and insists on being brushed and combed anytime I am home and sitting still.  I, am the true winner in the whole deal.  I am complete with those two fur balls.  I no longer cry when I come home (and I suppose time has healed a lot of that) but i also encourage YOU to look for the uglies orange scraggly looking round faced kitten and love him like he is the best thing that ever happened to you.  I know he is that for me.  And Sassy II, well she never could be replaced but what I found was as precious!  x's 2.

See what did I tell ya!  Meet Sebastian (who needs no introduction) and precious Tiger Lily.  Purrfect roommates!

love to all who listen

Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.  At least I'm not running in circles.  I had to take a deep breath yesterday.  Just seemed too many people issues that I was trying to manage.  WTH?  But, I confess, I still (hell I never stopped) want to 'fix' people.... most of all my family.  (children).  I literally could not breathe.  I just had to stop, ask for help and move through it.  I did it.  He did it.  Now to the next "thing".  Honestly I hear so often (and speak it sometimes) is this it?  Is this what sobriety is all about?  No bells, no whistles, no fireworks.  Yup, most of the time, no.  Since we are such adrenaline junkies when life is quiet we look for something 'else' to fix that.  Peace we seek but when it comes we freak.  Incredible. 
Last night I heard (again) that one of our youngest members (19 I think) is out there again.  Seems he also ended up in jail.  Which is probably saving his life right now.  Remember the song, "oh when will they ever learn?"  Well?   Me too.  I'm not excluding myself from that list.
I realized this morning as I was talking to a sponsee that I was saying the things to her that I NEEDED to do.  Seems i have gotten so damn busy that I am praying less, meditating less, and staying right on the verge of that jumping off place.  Jump to where I do not know.  I won't whine about the school thing, but it's still  consuming most nights.  And if i'm not at school and I'm not doing homework I'm absorbed in "i need to be".  Fewer and fewer meetings.  Less visits to the gym.  It is gonna either take it's toll on me or I will allow the dust to settle and let things lie as they do/will.  The control is just an illusion.  I have little.

Work becons for the afternoon and school will be the nightcap. 

Love to all who listen.

Jj

"GRAND children"

Today is the birthday of my oldest granddaughter.  A beautiful young girl that has seen more than her share of adult emotional bs.  She was abandoned by her birth mother several years ago.  Just passed her on to her dad (my s-i-l) here, you take her I don't want her.  Really?  How do you not want your child.
But I digress.  She is awesome.  And I, for one, am so blessed to have her in my life.  Mac here is to you.  Happy birthday!  Next week my twin grandchildren have their birthday.  So, all of my babies will be in double digits by then.  THEN the week after that my daughter has her bday.  She is 20 years younger than I.  So, I am getting older and so are they.
I think back on my own childhood and recall with love spending time with my grandmother.  A sweet lady that passed away when I was 13.  She would come get me/us from our less than good environment.  And for a few days we were important....... to someone.  She took me to the dentist for the first time.  She taught us a prayer at bedtime.  She seemed to care about who we were.  How we were. 
My grandmother on my father's side was the most incredible woman I have ever known.  I do not believe she ever spoke of anyone or to anyone with disdain.  She read her bible daily.  I remember her coming to stay with us a few times.  My mom and dad had divorced but she was still interested in us.  US.  Wow!
This is how I want my grandchildren to grow up.  Knowing how much they are loved by the grownups around them.  The ones that have nothing to worry about while they are around but them.  I truly understand how parents get overwhelmed and let the joy of watching them grow up slip by.  Grandparents don't.  They come to my house and for years we have "had our adventures".  They loved guessing what this weekend would bring.  It didn't matter if it was going to the science museum or hiking on the mountain.  They loved it all and so did/do I.  So, as they mature, grow up, I grasp all they have to offer.  And I in return give all I have.  Somehow I end up on the better end of the stick.

Where are you right now?

Take it all in.  Cause it all matters.  It all makes our lives complete.  I have been so crazy crazy since school began.   Just quickly I will state it truly is more than i had imagined.  I only took into account that I would be at school 2 days a week for 3 hours each time.   I forgot to factor in homework.  LOTS of homework. 
Enough of the bashing.   So, the other day i found myself telling myself to stop.  Stop and take this all in.  Breathe.  look around.  notice the students.  The rooms, the atmosphere.  I find that so many times i am in such a hurry that i am actually 3 steps ahead in my brain, not in my steps.  I'm certain that has caused more accidents.  People just aren't present.  Me included.  So, where does that come from (or does it matter)?
Our quick paced world seems to encourage this way of living.  go, do more, fast, hurry up.  it's never, slow down!  Now the only way i know to change that is a)  awareness  and b)  do it. 
It is a fact that more people suffer from indigestion, migraine headaches, high blood pressure and we wonder why.  Of course the medical profession just keeps doling out meds like candy.  that quick fix that we all seem to demand these days.Ok, so back to the topic.  be in the now.  Try it.  Touch your nose many times a day to remind yourself to stay right here, right now.  Perhaps the whole idea is attached to not wanting to be in the present.  maybe it's too painful.  Maybe it's scary.  But if you look back over event the past few months, think about what you have done, experienced.  My bet is that time flew by and you can't recall with sufficient force all that happened.   Ever written a check, mailed it and then wondered if you had paid that bill?  Ever planned on stopping by the store on your way home only to get home and remember?  The other day I was so wrapped up in angst that I left the house 1/2 thinking on my way to work and actually had to stop and think:  did i put on panties?  a bra?  makeup?  brush my teeth.  Laugh but the truth is i was not present in the moment and robotically accomplished those mundane tasks without thinking or absorbing and hence not remembering.  How scary is that?  Ever drive down the road and get a mile or two or 10 and snap back to here and now and wonder who had been driving cause you sure weren't.   I have more times than i care to admit.

So, this morning on my way home from the gym the sun was just coming over the horizon (for us the mountain) and i mean just a ball of fire.  Gorgeous.  I wish i had my camera.  I just sighed and thanked God for that beauty.  As i scanned the mountains it hit me.  i have traveled this road hundreds of times.  And how many times have i noticed those mountains? 
I suppose, for me, slowing down would certainly help.  But i am wired to run wide open.  And then collapse at the end of the day.  I don't know any other way.  But i'm willing to try.  just try........
I had a boss whom I adored tell me many times,  "sssslllloooowww down'.  Others see it.  As i live it.
so love this day.  be in this day.  even the rough times.  even the sad times.  and most of all the good times.  cause we blink and its tomorrow and i don't want to wonder anymore what my day was like.......

It's a beautiful fall day in the south.  cooler.  awesome.  and it's friday.

Jj

Endless or Mindless?

Endless possibilites............ or is it?
I decided to tackle going to school.  Or is it back to school?  Ok, back.  Back as in 37 years later.  oh my,  17 when I graduated.  I'll be 54 this month.  Now, I was well aware that as I've aged (and boy have I) my ability to retain information has decreased considerably.  strike 1.  I have always had an attention problem.  strike 2.  I am working during the day and going to school at night.  strike 3.  The homework alone takes up most if not all of my spare time.  strike strike strike!  I have squandered many hours since my divorce just doing as I pleased.  running hither and yon (ever wonder where that came from?) stay up late or go to bed early.  Go to the gym or stay in bed.  lounge around on saturday or swim in the pool.  Alabama football or oh hell no.  this can't take the place of my crimson tider's.  
Ok, back on track.  I take my first test tonight.  Math.   (M) aybe (A) ge and (T) ime have (H)elped.........
Well fact is....... I've forgotten everything.  

Now where was I going with this......... Oh yeah  is this worth it?  I am in recovery.  My entire life was spent either running away or hiding away from anything that made me uncomfortable.  It's my nature.  Well some time ago I found that became too much of a bad thing.  So, facing reality head on is something I'm new at.  Might I add....... still not the best at.  But I'm trying.    And then this.  It has, in 3 weeks  3 WEEKS  driven me to hate everything a little at a time. 

Big ball of angst.  You get the point right?  And not the point that broke off my #2 pencil this morning after days of scribbling.  You think I'm funny, no?  It's all true.  And I've got the pictures to prove that even my housemates are trying to get my attention..........  to them silence is not golden.  I must make some changes.  But what?  Where?

To be continued:



Hey Mom could ya give a guy some lovin'



Where do we go from here?

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.....................
Without hurting anyone, I just read the most gut wretching life story I have heard in awhile.  It ripped to my core and I suppose it is because it could have been my story.
Several years ago............... in the depth of dispair, sick of my life, sick of me I had no idea of how to stop the pain.  The most intense pain I have ever been in.  I was so deep into the darkness of my soul that I feared the dawn, the darkness, the reality the starkness of being alone.   Truly....... alone.
I begged God to please, please take me.  I cried like a baby.  I screamed at the top of my lungs.  I ... was going to put a radio in the bathtub with me hoping to cut short my life.  I had no other means to end it.  No garage, no pills, no gun.   but the will to live and cut through the sadness just wasn't there anymore.

Why or how we get to that place is an individual experience.   I lost a family member at the age of 24 to this very thing I write about.  He put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.  In an instant he was gone. 
See, the pain we feel (without the thought of anyone else) is so deep we can not see anything beyond it.  I'm sure "he" couldn't either.  And my dear blogger friend (family) has shared something so powerful that I am in awe of her honesty.  Her willingness to share something that, by all accounts could have been left to the memories of those who loved her the most.  And those of us that never knew.  Until now.  JaW  you have a spirit that is being pulled in a direction that is beginning to prove itself if only to those who are on the outside looking in.
While not being close enough to touch you physically, emotionally we are connected.  Please know that.

We all come to  a place of complete surrender.  Some never have too.  I, for one, am so glad I did and you did too.

My blessed cousin, my kindred spirit......... thank you for being here.

I love you from afar!

Jj

Your story reached my soul

I am speechless.  I am bewildered.  I am amazed.  Does anyone walk around waiting on a "sign' of that ultimate power.  That God shot.  The burning bush, if you will?  I do.  In the beginning I got them quickly,  I felt better.  My job faired better, family began to forgive me............. But nothing compares to what i read earlier from my cousin.  Without repeating the whole thing http://everclevertimes.blogspot.com/ this story can be read here.  Unbelievable story of how "powerful" this power can be.  Now, I choose to call that power God.  Some may choose differently.  Look as long as you believe that there is a force greater than anything you/we/ I know than this won't be written in vain. 
I have heard stories of children that after having a near death experience they say they saw a man in white or they say Jesus.  I totally believe that.  I think kids have such an open spirit that they are able to see far better than adults, who, with their tarnished souls can't or won't see beyond their own capabilities.  I, for one, know that He has worked major changes in my own life.  My sons life.  family........  I could go on.......
Can we fathom walking around without a little faith?  Without some coat of armour acting, not as a shield from all things bad, but rather a protection that says,  we will get through that of which should have or could have killed us..................
If I sound silly, then check your own spirit.  Check your own life.  Where has it been?  Where is it going, or better yet........ Where are you taking it?  I ran my life into the ground.  And others with it.  Selfishly I drug (no pun intended) anyone in my way down with me.  I say this anytime anyone will listen.  When I layed on that hard ass wood floor my cats looking at me like I was dying (and I was) I knew that it was the end.  And I shouted to Him who could only save me or take me.......... please with a voice so sick......... get me out of MY hell.  And He did.
I sigh with that relief that comes from truly knowing that you/me are a miracle.  I should have been dead or locked up by now.  Or rather by 5 years ago.

So, here is to you, Peter, where ever you are, where ever your life is taking you.  Your family is safe within the realm of the spirit.  Now, you have shared with someone all the way in Alabama you story.  Without even knowing it.  Joyce you have given me the best gift possible.  I am the one that is humbled. 
It is a beautiful, hot sunny day in September.  Fall will be here before we know it.  but the warmth I feel right now, sitting in my airconditioned office is something brought on by my faith.  Faith in that unseen force. 

Jj