A broken heart, a heart broken

There was a time that I just didn't have the ability (nor did I realize it) to truly love another human being without wanting something in return.  I know.  Truly sad.  That has changed.... and that love includes the good and the sad.

My heart breaks for a friend of mine.  Someone I have sat together in our circle for 8 years and watched each other struggle, listened to each other, encouraged one another.  And then BAM!  I was so sad for her last night.  I saw the pain in her face, I heard the incredible agony in her voice; all I could do was listen.  I suppose, at times, that is the best we can offer. 

Married for almost 30 years.  Not always great, but committed to children, and nearing retirement age.... things begin to change.  But nothing could have prepared her....... 

Leaving email open she finds a disturbing and truly life changing exchange between husband and 'old' female friend.  And it was graphic.  Devastation doesn't come close to describing what this has done.  I am not sure, but finding out that way is like being in the same room..... her visual is painted by the words written, leaving little to imagination.

All her dreams are blasted!  She told me that through thick (and there have been plenty) and thin they always remained committed to each other and raising their children.  Now that main thread has been frayed. 

So, there I sat, listening as her tears told more than her words and I could not hold mine back.  She seemed so defeated, so small..

I turn the mirror on myself.  Someone that had a sickness so deep that fidelity wasn't a word in my dictionary.  I have long since changed my ways, but how many lives were affected by actions of a self absorbed, drunk, self hating individual?  Changing lanes I can say I would not even consider anything close to that behavior today.  Or yesterday for that matter.  But I was shown how actions rip lives apart... 

Her life will heal as her trust in God shows her how to forgive or at least breathe through, what could be the turning point in the lives of 4 people..... Add 1 more to that........ what a vision into my future.  One that will never include encroaching on another's life........

Coffee and Warmth

Cold, rainy and 32degrees.   Yes, winter is here. 

As I sit here this morning coming to terms with the weather on the weather's terms, I decide to take a break and not go out this morning.  Instead I took time to do what I needed to take care of....  laundry, coffee, trash, coffee, bed making, coffee..... you get the point.

Did shopping for xmas yesterday.  Although it is fun, and the crowds are plenty, I trapsied to store after store.  Finding what was asked for by my precious grandkids.  Long gone are the days of toy cars, baby dolls..... to say I miss those days would diminish where they are today.  Teens or almost.  Electronics have taken place of puzzles and board games.  Although there will be one more bike bought, it will probably be the last.  Yes, that saddens me. 

I have written many many passages about the man child.  From screwed up to fixed up.  A true miracle.  Well we need another one.  Someone I love very much needs help.  Although they may have that external side that smiles and says, 'i'm fine"  I know better.  I have told them so.  They have lost 2 relationships recently due to excessive drinking.  Perhaps the lonliness is too much.  Maybe the loss of a child overshadows all they know.  God I know life happens when we surrender and how I wish/pray they will see that.  Right now,  they can't hear.  Too many chances being taken with health, safety and emotions. 

I am truly happy today. Inside the life I almost lost flourishes and thrives.  I hope it shows on the outside.  Sure, there are things still needing tweeked (no pun intended)  but I tell myself keep living.  Keep loving, keep giving. 

Loving those that seem unloved.  Caring for those who push everyone away.  Come on......Everyone.... we got to get together now....  

  Part of a childhood memory.  Elementary years spent here.  Awesome.

Saturday and Service & Unfortunately Suffering

Bitter cold Saturday morning.  33 degree's with windchill's much colder.  Brrrr.
In about an hour the Monday Night Manna woman will load up vans full of food boxes and head out to a local housing for older people.  Through bitter cold we "get" to show love and tenderness to those that can't get out or don't have family for help or perhaps just lonliness as they sit daily as the world passes by.  Will the cold matter, sure it will.  Will it change our direction and stay indoors, NO.  Here we come.... :)

On a different light I had a horrible night.  Frightened by pain that wouldn't allow me to raise my head without major pain in my neck.  I tried and tried to get comfortable during a fit full night of some sleep.  Got up at 1am and took some Aleve.  Somehow I managed to sleep better till early this morning.  Sitting here right now as I lean to the left and right with my head it is obvious this is not going away anytime soon.  The dose pack the doctor gave me earlier in the week has not diminished this pain AT ALL.  I realize with people dying, hungry, homeless, jobless that my neck pain is nothing to complain about.   But it is part of who I am right now.  Hopefully the day will give me some relief.  Hopefully because we have over 200 boxes to load and deliver.

Nelson Mandela died earlier this week.  What a life legacy he leaves behind.  We should all aspire to be a man so dedicated to bettering the world we ALL live in.  He fought, suffered and won through his 95 years on this earth.  I'm sure God said to him, "job well done"...

He was sent to prison for 25 years............ All for trying to change the oppression in Africa.  There is a song, 'Abraham, Martin and John"  Perhaps we should add "Nelson" to that.
So, Lincoln, King, Kennedy and Mandela keep our hearts in the direction of change.  To understand we are all of the same maker.  Love one another and stop making a system that delineates classes.  God sees ALL men/woman as the same.  Why can't we?

Happy December 7th.  Uh oh.  Today is Pearl Harbor day and what would have been the birthday of my brother's oldest son who died in 2010. 

Celebrate or hate?  Love or Oppress?  Live or die.......

Calendars.........................

Calendars?   But Why?

It is the best time of the year.  Hey, make that the most wonderful time of the year and all of a sudden I hear Johnny Mathis singing…

I am thrilled, albeit overwhelmed to know that I have to keep a calendar (especially at this time of year) to make sure I am where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be.  Well something just got added and when I pulled up the entire month of December it was full!  Awesome….

I am planning on making a huge dent in shopping this weekend.  I may be broke on Monday but having that out of the way just gives me more time to enjoy the rest of the season.  Amen, amen.

Saw an awesome play at church last night.  The Forgotten Carols.  Really done well.  Broadway players… With the exception of how cold it was in the auditorium.  I wanted to curl up in my chair… brrrr.

So, checking MY list; invites to family members for our gathering.. check..  Shopping begun.. check..  Thought put into all gifts.. check.  Menu for gathering.. check check.  Xmas cards mailed.. check, check, check.  All the decorations done… Yes, Yes….Relax your half way there.  Where?  Done.  Done?   There ya go again, making this about a chore, a race, than an eventful season to be enjoyed.  Whew!  Glad you caught that one.

Tomorrow morning several vans will load up 400 boxes of food and deliver them to a bunch of needy folks.  That just makes my day!  Not just to be of service, but to know that someone is getting what they need.  They always appreciate our deliveries.  Yesterday it was 70+ degrees out.  Today it is rainy and a chilly 40.  Tomorrow a.m. it is supposed to be in the 30’s.  Delivery will keep us warm.

After that, and the shopping excursion, I plan on staying in.  Playing carols, maybe cooking.  Reading the latest book I checked out of the library…. Or doing nothing.  My time, my time.

Sad news; a guy that went to school with me died on Sunday.  Now, we hear more and more of classmates dying.  We are in our mid fifties, which isn’t old but hey, we are mortal.  His passing has hit me hard.  Just a good soul.  He killed himself out of fear of being a burden to his family.  Seems he had known for sometime that his health was failing.  I can not imagine what his family is going through.  Death is so permanent.  How we leave can leave an imprint that is worse than death.  In this case…. That probably will never leave his family.  BUT!  No judgment just concern.

 

To end of a happy note:  All about me and my feelings:  Today all is good.  All the puzzle pieces are where they are supposed to be.  I am at peace……… with myself….. which is the hardest things to come by…. For me. 

 

12/6/13

And so the mad rush begins..

And so the mad rush begins.  The over spending (or frustration of not being able to spend), the hustle and bustle of gatherings, mailings, wrappings……..And why?

I had a thought this morning on my quiet ride to work.  If I/we give with love then our expectation should be just that.  Love.  If the giving (or not) is out of a ‘have to’ then what good is that?  With 4 grandchildren, my spending is directed at their lists.  Children next and so on.  Gifts gets smaller but what difference does that make?  I am of the mindset that if I can and it is a request within reason, then I shall turn over every rock to find that gift.

Online shopping has been so convenient.  But I feel like I am missing out on that ‘crowd’ issue so many rant about.  If I go ‘out’ with a mindset of, yes there will be lines, yes there will be screaming kids… I could go on but the point being it’s our frame of mind that causes the discomfort inside.  This weekend I hope to complete 90% and give it a big Hurrah!

On a different note someone close to me is so near the edge that I fear for them.  Whenever I see them I can see the decline and want so badly to say ‘look at what is going on’ but I keep my mouth shut.  That scares me too.  The what if’s are bad enough but turning a blind eye is probably not the solution.  I have been molded by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of others business.  And I do for the most part.  But this is truly upsetting.  They don’t think they need help nor do they want to stop the behavior.  The losses will begin to pile up; let’s hope it isn’t too late.

Another body part goes down.  In the summer I began to have neck pain.  You know you wake up in the morning and have a stiff neck but go about your business anyway.  I was on the treadmill several different times and just felt that ache on the left side.  But again, I would just brush it off.  Until a few weeks ago.  Bam!  Not an injury but a pain shot down my neck into my back.  I nursed it and nursed it.  Held back at the gym if I went at all.  Everything seemed to bother it.  I bought a heat pack and applied it whenever I could.  Some nights I would get up several times and heat it back up and try to go back to sleep with the neat penetrating the painful area.  I say area because I can’t put my finger on the pain.  But I know where it is coming from.   I figured it was radiating from another area.  Anyway.  I was goofing off with the grandkids this past weekend playing Wii bowling.  Uh huh I turned after getting a strike and bam!  The pain took me down.  I was out for the count. 

I finally called the doctor on Monday after not being able to move my neck pain free all weekend.   After x-ray and some hands on, he determined it to be advanced arthritis.  Well that doesn’t surprise me.  So, prednisone for a few days and PT.   Return appt in January. 

So, I spill it all again as if I have a cyber-friend that listens intently.  But, it is my way of weeding through the noise in my head.

It is a warm muggy day in the south with cold air moving in.  Hopefully that won’t produce any tornados.  Fingers crossed.

 

Enjoy today, it truly is all we have…………

 

 

12/05/13

A little yuck and lots of thanksgiving

First off, I do not like nor ‘do’ change well.  Below is a perfect example:

While grateful  to have a new laptop, I am less than enamored with windows 8…. Hard as heck to maneuver, made for touch screens and tried to get it to be friendly with all other computer devices. 

I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones.  I have been slowly trying to adapt since September.  One day it seems ok, the next there is nothing friendly about it.  Without bashing this any further (since I am sure you have the point) I found a ‘fix’ in installing windows 8.1    So, I did.  

Listen, my mouse pad quit taking commands.  I could not close any programs.  It was awful  and making matters worse is my a) lack of knowledge and b) desire to find out how to work around this. 

This morning, out of frustration, I reset my computer back to factory settings.  The only thing left in tact was my photos or any other files I had stored.

So, I did not throw out my laptop like I threatened to do last night.  Not sure if all will be well tonight, but there is always hope.

Hope………….  This thanksgiving I believe all that sit at the table with my children will feel.  And prayerfully say that “T” will be here next year.  His chemo is going ok (if that is possible).  He is on his 3^rd round, skipping every other week.  So, this being a chemo week, I hope  he will feel like eating with us. My granddaughter has a tradition with her pawpaw that she spends the night b4 Thanksgiving with him.  Helping prepare dressing and other goodies.  The other day she quietly mentioned that it won’t be the same anymore.  I could feel her sadness.  I had to look away to keep from crying.  She seems like an old soul at times, at only 13.

So, swallowing hard and praying to God that we ‘get’ another chance to gather around the table blessed with all the goodies made with love;  our family will survive and my grandchildren will always know how loved they are.

 

 

Hustle and Bustle....... Happy Holidays!

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christimas…………………………………. Doesn’t it all run together?

What to wear, what to cook, what to buy?  Too many options, even for a simple gal like me…

Going through boxes of decorations last weekend I became excited at the thought of outside decorations…. More space for a true ‘decorated’ holiday feel.  Do I share (again) that I haven’t really decorated for many years.  Well until a few years ago, and that was just putting up a tree.  But, it’s on now… And I am ready! 

When I say ‘ready’ I suppose that encompasses several areas.  I mean financially, Xmas is stressful.  Emotionally,  better than the last 9 years.  All my ducks being in a row includes my children/grandchildren being ok, which it appears they are!  I believe (not being a scrooge though) it is a good time to teach the kids that to give to help others is what we are here to do.   At church they do a shoebox for children ministry.  Meaning you choose the age and sex of a child and buy accordingly.  But, everything is supposed to fit in a shoebox.  One that you wrap up.  These get sent to 3^rd world countries for children that don’t have anything.  Nothing.  So, this weekend my granddaughter and I will set out to fill a box.  I’d like to do one with each g-kid but time got away from me.   So, one will have to do.

As the ‘host’ of the family xmas gathering, I chose to have a Santa Hat theme.  I thought it would be fun to decorate our hats with our own personality, indicative of our personality, our likes.  How fun is that!

Miss Sydney and I will tackle her’s this weekend too.  Hopefully the other 3 will have time to get theirs done too. 

Saw ‘r’ last night.  Yes, another battle.  Not physically nor emotionally.  Spiritually.  This is not what I am supposed to be doing.  Nor is it something I want to do.  He is my drug.  I let go for a day, a week and then go back.  I pray without ending for help.  I am so powerless to stop.  He isn’t mean to me, he is kind, generous and frankly if I wasn’t so convicted to do what is right. I would just keep going. 

‘M’ is getting married.  Sometime next year.  She is a great person and he is certainly choosing well.  They seem perfect for each other.  I am beyond words for this and all that has changed in him/for him in the last 18 months.  If there isn’t a God then someone is certainly watching out for him.  Wow!  What a transformation.

So, Thanksgiving is next week.  Black Friday has been moved up even more.  Stores opening at 6:pm on Thanksgiving day.  Where is the family time going too?  I mean we eat, we visit, perhaps nap but shop?  Not in the past.  I think of the employees of those stores that open.  How awful for them.  Society dictates when we open, close etc.  24 hours a day seems to be the norm these days.  BUT leave our holidays alone…….

So, no deep ponderings today.  Quiet-ness of the afternoon and I sure am enjoying that. 

Here is the deal……………………………………

 

Jj